izzie89

Thanks for your reply Nihao. I really value everyone's opinion. Does the fact we could spend 3mths/6mths or even a year apart not worry you? My husband could fly back for long weekends/holidays but we would essentially be living apart which could be hard on all of us? Has anyone else done this?

My husband isn't too keen on this solution! For me it's not ideal....esp. coping on my own with the 3 children but at least he has given his job more time and can't resent me for wanting to come back. I think he would stay in the US for longer although he says he doesn't want to stay here forever. He is suggesting if we move to the suburbs it could be for 2 years to make it more worthwhile. I'd rather come home!

izzie89

Ok thanks Mr P. That is also my worry......

HartleyHare

I will potentially be in a similar situation to yourself next year. We are currently living in Ridgewood, up in Northern NJ. Hubby commutes into Midtown.

We came over June 2013 on a two-year contract, but really we can stay as long as there is a job for him.

We chose to live in the suburbs purely for schooling reasons. We have a 13 year dd currently at the local middle school. I am a London lass (Wandsworth) and would have preferred (given my right arm) to have lived in NYC! However, we are enjoying our life in the 'burbs, but for us the move was never about remainng in the US long term - we have no interest in obtaining green cards.

We would be due to go home May 2015, but my husband would also like to stay for an additional 1-2 years maximum. We have also found it possible to save some money too.

I would prefer to return to the UK next year so that our dd could begin to study for her GCSE's, but I have to weigh this up against being apart from hubby. If it was for 6 months, then maybe, but I really would not want to be apart for a year. We also have to look at it financially too. We are in a position to continue to save, but would not be able to if we were running two households (UK & US) and paying for flights home for my husband.

Have you looked in to all the financial implications - Manhattan V suburbs V UK/US?

Will you have local support (friends & family) if you return to the UK? This is not just to help with the day to day tasks, but also if you were taken ill.

In terms of you & hubby being apart, many of the people on these forums have been apart from their other half due to the visa processing rules so they probably would not think it strange! It's a different kettle of fish with 3 small children though.

Good luck with whatever you decide

Karrie72

My two cents; You are living in a cultural hotspot and an amazingly dynamic city. Although your children are growing up and might soon appreciate a garden of their own, you have Central Park as your garden and many museums, art galleries etc.

Personally I would love to move my kids to a big city for a couple of years simply for all the resources available. Whenever I'm doing the tourist thing with my kids in London, I always feel envious of the British kids I see on school trips at the Tower of London etc.

My kids get to visit a salt marsh every year and a one room historical society museum. I'm not knocking that but I do see the value of proximity to big museums, diversity and the like. I believe it builds confidence in relating to the world at large and a less insular outlook.

Good luck in your decision from a former NY resident and British expat.

NiHao

My husband travels a LOT and we have 3 young children so I know first hand that it can be tough but your situation wouldn't be forever so to me it seems very do-able with lots of forward planning. However, that is me and only you and your husband can know if it will work for you. Forces families are frequently apart from each other for 6+ months , its not ideal but clearly it can be done. The fact that you have concerns about it is good because it shows you are realistic about the fact that it will be difficult but difficult isn't the same as impossible.

You would have to pull out the calendar and work out exactly when and how often he would be able to come to the UK. Long weekends, vacation, excuses to visit the UK office? Are there occasions when he could tack on a few days working from home (UK) to his visits so that his visit is longer? Perhaps you and the children could take a vacation over to him in the school Holidays?

In the situation you've outlined I'd rather get on with the next stage of your lives which you both agree will ultimately be back in London and cope with a 6-12 month stint apart. Phone, email, text, FB, skype, visits would all allow you to stay closely in touch and in an emergency he is only a 6-7 hour flight away.

Don't sell yourself short, any woman who can move to NYC with two young children, go on to have another baby while there and stay sane sounds to me like a woman who is perfectly capable of being apart from her partner for a few months

To me it sounds like it would be more stressful for you (and therefore him too) for you to go through the upheaval of moving out of NYC for what would only be 12-24 mths when you know you don't want to make your life in the US. I think you will stress about getting the school places you want and you will feel like you are just treading water waiting to move back instead of getting on with your life. It would be different if you wanted to spend more time in the US but you sound like you feel like you've BTDT had a good time, bought the t-shirt and now are ready to move on?

You don't have a perfect option because your husband wants to stay longer and you don't so no solution is going to be exactly what you want. Listen to your own gut and see which option feels best to you, stay longer, leave together sooner than your husband wants or go in July but suck up being a single parent for 6-12mths.

The good thing is that any of your 3 options will be fine you just have to pick one, commit to it and go for it. You will feel so much better once you make the decision whichever one you pick.

windsong

I've been reading this entire thread trying to decide what I would do if I were in your shoes but when I came to this particular post, I made the decision - get out of there as fast as you can!

You are homesick and want to go home PLUS it is costing you money to stay there.

I made the wrong decision and stayed in the US a while longer and it took everything I had in the end. Now, I am leaving.

Sally Redux

I think living in Manhattan must have been an amazing experience and well worth having!

What happens if you stay another year though, and that turns into another and another?

Then you move into the boring suburbs and get stuck here till they leave school, or beyond because then the kids are Americans.

If it's really the only way for your husband to gain career satisfaction, maybe you have to.

Your compromise sounded good though.

MrMuffin

If you have an itching and reasons to go back to the UK, just do it for goodness sakes. Because trust me the longer you stay the harder it'll be to get back. Here I am after 26 plus years kicking myself. We're finally going home but I have had a lifetime of experiences and wish wish wish I could turn the clocks back. Go. Home. As. Soon. As. You. Can. and stop the madness Seriously though... you won't regret it by the sounds of it. Good luck!!!! xoxoxox

windsong

I totally agree. There will always be one reason or another to stay - so don't!!!

izzie89

Wow thank you all so much for posting a reply. I really do value all of your opinions and really appreciate everyone taking their time to read our dilemma and offer their advice. It really is helpful to see others going through the same issues or having experienced something similar in the past. You have all been very kind esp. Nihao - thank you.

I think I'm going to re-do our budget for all of the options (they didn't include my husband staying for a while and me going) and re-read all the posts together. Hopefully, then we can sit down and make a decision. I agree that all the in-decision is driving us crazy and making it difficult to move on and live our lives. Life is too short as it is!!

morrisjo

Where in Manhattan do you live? We moved here with no kids over 7 years ago and the best decision we ever made was to move to Hoboken. You are anywhere from 10-30m away from most places you'll go in Manhattan. I work at WFC and my commute is 8m on the boat.

Since then we have had 2 kids now aged 4 and 2.

Hoboken itself has a lot of character, nice housing, good bars and restuarants. There are a load of parks for kids and lots of young families - many Europeans. Of course there are expensive daycares and private schools for kids but once your kid is PreK3 age there is absolutely no need as everything is free. This is due to Hoboken being included in the Abbott program in the 80's when it was considered a deprived area - which is certainly not the case now. The PreK/elementary schools are excellent. We know many parents with kids in the system and they are all in the main happy. Its a different story for High Schools but it doesn't sound like you'd be around long enough for that.

It is cheaper than Manhattan to rent (as long as you avoid the luxury condos on the waterfront) and you can even get a larger house with a garden if you are willing to pay a decent amount.

To be fair we plan to leave later this year for a whole host of reasons but Hoboken has been a great place to live. I have a lot of friends who have had kids and have moved out to the suburbs but it's not for us.

You might get some suggestions for Newport/Jersey City or other places around the same area about but it's really not worth it as none have what Hoboken can offer on its doorstep.

izzie89

Thanks for your reply morrisjo. We currently live on the Upper East Side and my husband works in Midtown. So not sure New Jersey is really possible. Westchester might be a better option but I'll certainly look into it thanks.

HartleyHare

Depending in where in Midtown your husband is working, he would be able to take the PATH from Hoboken to 33rd Street.

morrisjo

Lots of people from the UK come to New York and they are told they simply MUST live in the UES Same thing happened to us. NJ is a frowned upon and I was told not to bother. Lot of non-New Yorkers kept saying Hoboken so one day we came over and wandered up the main street and had dinner on the waterfront. Not sure if you have ever been but if not then try that.

As for commuting, you will find that Hoboken is as easy, in some cases easier than living in Manhattan. Before we had kids we used to meet friends downtown a lot and it would take us a lot less time (10m on PATH to 9th Street) than our friends in the UES.

I worked in Midtown for year at Rockefeller. Most days I took the PATH to 33rd and either the Subway or walked up. PATH is 14m to 33rd St. Your other options are the bus which takes 8-10m in a perfect world (early/late or a weekend when there are no tunnel works) or 30m in rush hour. Bus can be risky because any problems and you can be screwed. Boat from 14th takes about 6m then you get a free bus across town. It's expensive though.

Hoboken is not the suburbs, its a nice compromise. You still feel part of the city but with small town living. You would find it extremely convenient for anything below the 33rd and easy for anything up to the 60's.

My problem with the suburbs is that I want to be able to walk out my door and get everything I need. Places for the kids to play, schools, bars and restaurants. There are all sorts of activities you would expect in a small town.

Don't be scared of New Jersey!! Actually, don't be scared of Hoboken, the rest is frightening!

moggi1964

Hoboken with 3 kids is going to be tough; it really is a young persons town. We moved there when we came over in 2004 and lasted less than a year. We moved to the NJ suburbs, rented in a great town (Madison) and my wife commuted into midtown each day.

If you plan to stay, move to my area. There are lots of expats (UK/Aus/S/NZ) and the renting is pretty reasonable. The schools are VERY good and the community very friendly.

We have been in the US for 10 years now; almost 9 of them in Madison. We are moving back to the UK in summer 2015 because we miss it but it WILL be hard to leave Madison and our friends. My wife is American BTW and she prompted the move not me though we had always known we would go back.

12 months in Madison will fly by but PLAN to return home and set a date. We already booked our one way transatlantic on the QM2, booked kennels for the dogs too. It is very reasonable price wise and a great way to go home. Look into it and good luck.