Choccie

Hi all

I really sympathise with everyone in this situation at the moment as I am going through huge feelings of guilt over this. I have been back in UK with my son since January and have a job and house and the dogs are now here too. Hubby has been for a visit and will arrive permanently mid May. My main issue is that he has not been able to find work yet and really loved his NZ job. My salary is rubbish but working shifts I don't have a great deal of time or energy to get much sorted or look for others that pay more.

I know he will find something eventually but I really don't want him to be unhappy.

I'm so grateful that he agreed to come back as I couldn't carry on living in NZ.

I don't regret making the move but just want it to be right for all of us.

My eldest daughter leaves for Perth tomorrow so not looking forward to that at all but she is full of excitement for her new adventure.

Right better stop moping and get on with sorting things!

carolearly

I have been back to the uk for a few weeks, and have returned to Italy. While I realise that been in the Uk does not constitute living there. I really enjoyed my weeks there. There is a possibility that I am going back to Uk in June to help care for my aunt for 3 months. She is going to pay me a small wage, and we will see how it goes. My husband although ok with this, does not really want me to do it, but my theory is it will give me longer to make my mind up, about going back permanently. I am fortunate that I can try before I buy so to speak. I will have living accommodation at my aunts too. I am lucky I have so understanding a hubby, who I will miss. My dog will be devastated !!!

mayb

If I knew how much heart ache came with an international relationship I would have ran the other way when I met my husband!

I always swore I would never live anywhere other than the US so when we agreed to get married the plan was for us to both live here but he wanted me to spend a year or two in the UK first just to get to know where he was from. I completely fell in love with Scotland and his family and I made so many great friends there but we came back to the US because that was always the plan and now I'm really regretting the move.

I'm devastated but I can't speak to my husband about this because I don't want him to feel down about our decision to move. I figure if I still feel this way at Christmas we can discuss going back...

trottytrue

I understand and feel for all of you in this situation. I have been in it and am still in it. IF is such a small word but has such large consequences. If only I had thought more carefully before I left the UK in 1978 If only the Government gave you a phamplet on the consequences of moving to another country, IF only when I returned to the UK after a short time in the US I had stayed and not taken into account other peoples feelings. In the end its your own feelings that count. IF only when my husband decided he was not happy in the UK I had not agreed to come back to the US. IF only when the children were small and we had been in the US for just 2years and I knew it was a mistake I would have had the courage to return home. IF only I had had someone or somewhere to return to. IF only when we finally got to the point of being able to return home I would have seen through the delaying tackticks of my husband the overvalued price put on the house to sell it, no wonder it took 6 years to sell.

In the end cirumstances took over and now we are not in a position to return home my husband is no longer healthy enough to make the journey and I have had my own health problems.

I have learnt to make the most of what I have, over the years I had the children to think of so I made a life for myself and was happy but never completely content. Its not the Country its fine my children love it and have an excellent life its me I miss what I had. I know lots of things are no longer the same but I think I would have found my niche and be profoundly happy. As it is I make do. Whats that saying. Keep Calm and Carry On......But essentially it all comes down to that word "IF".

So for all of you asking IF I suggest you really think about YOUR future and do whats right for YOU.

erin0259

You really could not have said it better, funny i was just talking to my dad on the phone the other day about the IFs, i was young and stupid and infatuated, but often go to the what IFs in my mind, i agree not so much the country as it is the loneliness of being away from family, i think if my daughter still lived in the US it would not be as bad, but i have always been homesick, i miss the trains the little villages rolling hills Sunday dinners with the family, and oh Xmas i miss a English Xmas, i like the fact you don't always need to drive to get somewhere, when i was there in Dec i loved just hopping on the train or bus, you cannot do that here, where i live you have to drive 6hr round trip just to get to a mall and 3 hr round trip just to a walmart, winter is worse almost everything is closed except the grocery store and Pizza, we don't even have a cinema.

I cannot wait to go back home next year and i am fortunate i can, my heart just breaks for the ones in this situation that can't, it can cause alot of problems in your marriage i was married to a very selfish man who ruined every trip home for me, he was so jealous of me when i spent time with my family there even though they were so kind and loving to him, so i then just went home alone ever year, he also treated badly, so i finally had enough, and now going to start over in the UK, i may struggle more there but i will be a heck of alot happier, i wish everyone the best and luck and hope all turns out well for all of you.

trottytrue

Dunroving.....what was said about resentment entering the picture is correct in most cases it cant be helped you see the other person really happy and content and many feelings enter the picture including resentment. We have spoken about this in earlier postings.

I wonder how many of those who returned home and left family behind and then returned really feel because things got to tough for them. So many who posted on here were having difficult times and I know many of them either returned back to the country they left or never left in the first place. Just gave up on the dream....

suzyambrose

I'm in a similar situation now and it's making life at home difficult.

We've only been in Oz for 10 months and my husband has only been settled probably a quarter of that time on and off. I've had to put up with lots of moaning from him about one thing or another about things he doesn't like here. I myself am not settled as such but I know it takes time and I didnt come here to throw in the towel until I feel we've give it everything we can, I don't even feel ready to go back for a visit let alone live.

I don't necessarily disagree with my husbands reasons for wanting to leave; he's gone from having his own business to working for someone else for more hours and earning less money and he doesnt get too see as much of the kids as he did in the UK which obviously goes against the better 'work/life balance' theory. His biggest gripe is if I wanted to leave he would say let's pack up and go, but unfortunately I wont say the same to him because the children are my priority and I have to put them and what I feel is best for them first and I feel as they get older they will have more opportunities here than in the UK.
I told him I would resent him if he forced me to go back, which is sad but true and at the same time he'll resent me for feeling like I'm making him stay.

I don't know if anyone's going to win this one

dunroving

Everyone's situation is different, but 10 months seems a very short time to decide you want to return to the UK and take your family with you (especially if they don't want to go at this point).

Did you not discuss before you left the UK some agreed minimum period to give it a go?

suzyambrose

Yes, we said we'd have to give it a couple of years... Not even halfway there yet!

dunroving

Seems like some ground rules need to be set. It's hard to give it your best shot for two years when one member of the family whinges about wanting to go back.

suzyambrose

It's falling on deaf ears unfortunately. He wants to leave when our lease runs out in September. I really don't want to go. I'm backed into a corner because I wouldn't want my kids to be without their dad, but I don't want to be unhappy either.

between two worlds

You have probably thought of this, but I'd suggest counselling for you as a couple.

You say you want to stay in Australia for the sake of the kids' futures, but what's the good of that if their parents are unhappy?

As you say, your husband has many good reasons for being unhappy--and if one of them is worse work-life balance and seeing less of the children, then is that benefitting the children? On the other hand, it's true 10 months is soon to give up; but does his work situation have any hope of improving?

Do you yourself really love it there? Then that does make things much more difficult...but this didn't come across in your post as your reason for wanting to stay.

It's all very complex and I think it needs a skilled counsellor to help you both sort out your feelings and desires and what's best for the family....

Such a hard situation....my heart goes out to you, and all the posters here.

I am lucky in that at the moment we are in UK because I want to be...hope DH wants to stay, I fear that may not always be the case....

suzyambrose

I hadn't thought of it actually, and knowing my husband he'd say what's the point. I know what you're saying about the kids seeing less of their dad and the impact that has on them. He actually has someone who will give him the money for him to have his own business again - a silent partner, but he doesn't want it because he doesn't want to be here. His earning potential would be so much more than what he earns now, but he's made up his mind and for him that's that.

I don't 'love' it here.... There's lots of getting used to but I think that will come in time. I'm content enough though. I knew it wouldn't be easy but I mentally prepared myself for what was in store and he didn't and now we're in this situation.

Thanks for the advice, much appreciated

between two worlds

Trotty I don't think I ever said what a powerful and touching post I thought this was.

Hard to write, I am sure; but if it helps someone else make a decision and avoid regrets later, well worth it.

between two worlds

Phew thanks, glad you didn't think it was interfering. It's just that I know how sometimes when a couple gets polarized over a topic, it's really helpful to have a objective, professional person there to help defuse things and help the conversation get un-stuck.

A pity if your husband wouldn't see the point--but some people who are against the idea of counselling do turn to it when things reach an impasse, when there seems no way out of a situation like this.