izzi81

I've mentioned this on here before, when we were in the early stages of our application, but I think now it's all done and dusted and approaching it's reaching a whole new level. My mum really, really does not want us to go. And she's really really not dealing with it well. I've always been close to my family, but I've also always been independent. While I know deep down she wants me to be happy, we visited yesterday and things just blew up into a very unpleasant discussion where she accused me of things that weren't true, said she thought I was not going to miss any of them at all, said my leaving is like she is losing me, asked me to stay to make everyone happy. I've tried to explain why we're going, and she claims to understand, but it's not helping.

I really don't know what to do... I think she needs to speak to a counsellor or something but she just refuses to go - thinks she doesn't need to. Has anyone else been through anything like this? What do I do? We've still got 11 months or so here (only now I wish we were just going next week!!) I'd really appreciate any advice or tales of similar experiences

MillieF

Oh Izzi, how bloody awful, you poor woman. Are you an only child? If you aren't could your brothers and sisters help with your mum, and make her see that this isn't the 'end' of your relationship with her? Years ago I left the UK for a couple of years and my mother was impossible, she knew I was ultimately intending to return, and that I was just going for a far better paid job and a chance to see the world but she made my life a bloody misery, she feigned
all manner of illnesses and sent me telegrams of her demise - thankfully my Dad was super and let me know what was going on - I think it was the loss of control that she minded most. Would it help if you wrote her a letter do you think? Whatever happens you have to live the life you want, she can't dictate your actions. My very best regards, your post brought back all sorts of horrid memories - best of luck.

Dizzy_Lizzie

Hi! I am probably going to be in the same position as you- I've got to tell my family in the next couple of weeks and I don't think it's going to go down very well!
Are your other family members supportive? Because it might help if they back you up and can fight your corner (so to speak).
I agree with MillieF is talking the issues through is going nowhere then a letter is a good idea as she take in what you are saying in her own time.
The hardest part of this whole process seems to be telling people you're going and dealing with the whole "don't go!" response....while it's flattering that people want you to stay around you can't live whole life trying to make others happy.
Hope it all works out for you! x

izzi81

Millie - I have a younger brother and sister; my sister is doing the best she can to hold things together! I feel sorry for her because she's ended up the middle man in all this. What you said about your mum feigning illness etc is something I worry will happen in the future - it's definitely a tactic I can see her using, so I'll be reliant on my family telling me the truth! Did your mum come to terms with it in the end?

According to my mum, everyone else in the family feels the way she does. However, I'm not getting that from them! I'm sure everyone else is sad, but happy for me if you know what I mean.

Lizzie - I hope your family/mum handles it better than mine! My sister is definitely supportive and tries to get her to see things sensibly.

I am beginning to think a letter might be the only option, though I don't see it solving things I don't see how else to get things across.

Yesterday she said she'd never come and visit. She can't stand the idea of losing me.... but doesn't want to come and see me. Hard to argue with that kind of viewpoint

Howefamily

Hi, I so know how you feel. My dad was awful, ranted and raged about how we wouldnt make it, the UK was the ONLY place to live out a recession, that my marriage would fail etc etc. |Then he would call and dig dig dig at us constantly. He was so unpleasant. My mum on the other hand, who lives in Germany, couldnt support us more.
My best friend who had become a widow a year before told us to go for it as life is too short.

What I am trying to say is that everyones view will be different based on their own experience and can I say, agenda. We lost some friends through our move.

It is hard and it does affect others but you really do only have one life, you have to live it. Good luck

JB0591

I think the letter idea is good but also maybe setting up a skype account for her (if she has a laptop/pc) or get her a PC-free skype phone. This might sound mad but we did this with all my wife's family during the year before our SWV was finalised and said it was for cheaper phone calls between the family. We have all got PC-free skype phones as it means they could call 24-7.

When we went on holidays abroad (before we told them) I would be on skype in the mornings and do web cam chats with all the family.....it helped us as when we told my wife's mum the first thing she said was "at least I can call you on Skype, oh wait, that is why we all have them isn't it?"...

I had more issues with very close friends, again, this was unexpected and I didn't like it. But I have to say they were the first people to visit and they totally got it and as they left Canada they said "good on you", which was great to hear.

Lvh76

Poor you Izzi. I'm about to move in 3 weeks time with my husband and 2 very small kids. I'm an only child thus my mum and dad are having a double whammy with me and the kids leaving. They've both been really supportive because my husband has been offered a fantastic opportunity and they have always urged me to travel. However as the time draws nearer my mum is starting to cry a lot etc, we did FaceTime on the iPad the other night and that made her feel a whole lot better. Also, we've promised that we will pay for their flights each year (they don't have a lot of money). I have wrestled with my conscience and guilt as I am ultimately and solely responsible for them as they're in their mid 60s BUT I also have to think about my immediate family and the fantastic experience and opportunities this will give my kids and they will get to see their dad, who currently has a 1hr45min commute to London, at breakfast and at supper. What I'm trying to say is that you have to live your life and do what makes you happy and any parent only really wants to see their kids happy. Good luck xxxxx

Oink

Then don't move to Canada. Why put your mother or yourselves through all this pain and suffering? It is like losing you as unless you're wealthy as you'll only be able to afford to see her for a few short times. I'd suggest that if its adventure from the boredom of everyday life in Britain you want, why not move somewhere else in the country, change careers or go on a nice long holiday?

Novocastrian

Alternatively, she could tell her mother to grow up. Or to f*** off, whichever would be more painful.

MarylandNed

Did she do everything her parents wanted her to do? This is part of having kids - they grow up, leave the nest and move on with their lives. If she loves you and wants you to be happy, she will understand that you have to do what is right for YOU.

Tony-the-Tigger

If you do go, be prepared for the inevitability of the strain on the relationship between you and your mum getting worse. I doubt very much that she will settle down and on birthdays, Christmas, mothers day (it's not the same day as the UK btw and don't send one on Canada's date for God's sake!) etc.. the screw will be turned big style.
My mum was the same and the guilt laid on was unbearable at times. My mother in law on the other hand, was always very supportive.

Maybe she was glad there was a sea between me and her!

aml1982

I think all you can do is stay firm and give her time to accept it. My wife and I are going to be in the same position as you shortly - we lived in Canada from 2008 until the middle of last year, and are now planning to move back. We're telling our respective parents this weekend. In our case, we've got the triple whammy of 1) My wife is the only child, 2) Her mother is single and lives along (although she lives just around the corner from her sister and sister's family, who she is very close to) and 3) We have a near 2-year-old who is the first and as yet only grandchild.

The first time we moved out there, my parents were upset but accepting, mainly because they knew my wife was on a fixed term secondment that required her to return to her parent office, and that we would be coming back. This time it will be for good, and I don't think they'll be as understanding, especially given we're taking their grandson away from them. My mother-in-law is likely to be more problematic. She wasn't above the occasional shot of emotional blackmail the first time round, so I'm expecting the worst this weekend.

Like I said, I think all you (and probably my wife and I) can do is remain firm, remember the reasons why you're making the move in the first place, allow your mother the time to get used to the situation, and try to brush off any guilt-provoking comments if and when they are made. Confrontation probably isn't going to make anything any better, so maintaining your stance and letting her adjust is probably the best course of action.

el_richo

Studys have shown children thrive more when in regular (read physical) contact with grandparents. It seems they're better at buffering negative aspects of the childrens life also.

Parents and grandparents who are subjected to these huge life changing situations will mostly go through some or all of the 5 stages of grief since they're "losing" somebody they love.

izzi81

thanks for all the replies. It is good to hear from others who have been through similar things. Just about everyone has said I need to remember I have my own life to live, which is what I keep having to remind myself of - and something I mentioned when we had our argument the other day! I can't stay nearby just for their/her sake, I need to have my own life. Which I think she knows deep down, she just doesn't like it.

I have told her about Skype etc. but she's just not interested - not the same as me actually in the room - but hopefully that will change once it's 'in use'.

aml1982 I hope you're right and she does accept it with time... I think she will, but I don't know how long it will take. I hope that, all going well, she will see how happy I am, and that will make her happy. I hope your weekend goes Ok!

We don't have children, and have no plans to have them, so at least that is one thing that is not part of the equation! I dread to think what the situation would be like in that case...

She did apologise for the tone of what she said in an email this morning, but not for the content. At least that's something, but I think I need to build a bit of a thicker skin because I'm sure it will happen again. Might be time to start drafting a letter....

iaink

Food for thought for parents.