Samothrace

Before I start my rant..I'm looking for advice on what to do.

Me (born in United States) and my husband (from England) have been married for 15 monthes, not quite a year and a half. We've been together since 2004 (doing the long distance madness the whole time, traveling back and forth). When we got married we agreed that he would move to the states b/c I am so close to my family, while he has always been a lot more independent from his having moved out on his own at 17.

anyway. fast forward to now. he was finally able to go back to england for a month (nov/dec) after not seeing his fam/friends since the previous September b/c of all of his visa madness and I guess you could say his worries came to light...just how unhappy he is in the United States. He has beena freelance computer programmer/website design work for ALONG time. The traditional 9-5 work for a boss is just not part of his personality. So he has been working from home. He has not been able to go out (no drivers liscence/car) to meet people on his own (which in itself seems a challenge b/c he's pretty much convinced himself that he will never have anything in common with anyone else in the united states. He seems to hate everything from the food to the tv to the telephone polls.

before I continue on this whole situation makes me seem very selfish. And everyday I feel really guilty for the situation that seems to have begun b/c of me not being able to leave my family. And I had just spent the last 5 years get my BA in art education/art history. I was lucky enough to find a teaching position, not my ideal location, but art teacher positions are hard to come by.

I worry and stress myself into worry daily since he has gotten back that I'll be a mid-twenties divorcee, which is not what I want to happen. We both love each other dearly but are struggling with our situation.

Any advice or similar situation? He tells me he does not want me to go to England b/c he is concinved I'll be unhappy there. I am also worried that if that is what happens how on earth i'll ever be able to teach art there. It woujld be impossible for me to market myself there.

I live every moment in dread and worry about were our future lies, and if the worst should happen, how we will pick ourselves back up

Thank you if you stuck through this very long post!

fatbrit

Why could you not market yourself there? Admittedly, your written skills could do with a brush-up. But given that, I see no reason you could not pursue a career there.

Samothrace

Well, oh my. I must apologize for being tired on Christmas day worried about my husband and life, that I did not take the time to correct my grammar on a web forum. I simply was typing from the heart over my worries and concerns, how dare a person be focused on every last word that was written.

Clearly you don't work in education to know how difficult it would be to find a teaching position.

fatbrit

I taught for over a decade...but there you go! English, if you must know.

He gave it a go over here and didn't like it. Your turn to give it a go over there now. Or choose some third country as a comprimise.

Norri

So he has gone to the UK and does not want to come back, he also says he doesn't want you to go to England and be unhappy.I hope you can work throught it but it looks like the writing is on the wall to me.
You need to speak to your husband I think.

Jensmate

First of all, let me say that I empathise with your situation. It 's awful to be so unhappy but please don't think that hopping on a plane to England because "its your turn" will solve any problems. It will merely create more upheaval and more complex difficulties.
Consider why your husband has chosen to isolate himself. He won't drive?Won't work 9-5? Hates everything USA even the food and TV......? It sure sounds like he may be clinically depressed.
Seek counselling. You both need to find out what is going on in his mind and in your marriage. You also need to find out how far you are willing to go to keep this marriage together. He may be no happier a person in England than where he is now.
All that excitement of a courtship spent to-ing and fro-ing across the Pond before a marriage perhaps distracted you both from the reality of emigration---literally having to be re-born and to reinvent your life in a whole new place.
Please seek professional marriage counselling either together if your husband is willing, or by yourself if he isn't.

Best wishes.

Steerpike

He's been here 15 months, and is earning money, but has no car/drivers license? That seems odd to me; he does not seem to be willing to make much effort. He stays home most of the time, but complains about the food - I would have thought that he could cook any food he likes at home (don't tell me he doesn't cook, and is complaining about YOUR cooking ...).

Whereabouts are you in the US? Some parts are harder to adapt to than others.

I was married once; it lasted about 18 months. It was simply a mistake. The sooner I got out of it, the sooner I was able to move on. Don't worry about being divorced. You won't be a 'divorcee', you'll be 'single' (if you live somewhere where that matters, you really should move!). You are young, you have just started your career; you have a lifetime ahead of you - write the guy off as a bad move and move on.

penguinsix

Good advice. And it might be a rough thing to bring up with him, but you might want to consider digging into it a bit further.

In every city, every country, it's easy to blame the locale as the reason for your problems. "Oh, I'd have friends if I wasn't living here." "I'd be social if I wasn't stuck in this place." "My life would be practically perfect in every way if I just didn't have to see the TV shows here." Sorry, that's a cop out.

I had a friend once who was absolutely miserable where he was living (Washington DC). Before that he was in law school in Indiana and was miserable. Before that he lived in London and was miserable. Before that Paris and was miserable. I finally had to ask him--"what's the one common denominator in every city you've been miserable living in? The answer--you." Blaming the city was an escape from facing some painful facts he didn't want to face.

I've lived in some of the most exciting cities in the world as an expat, following (and dragging) my spouse over the years. I can tell you that each and every city on the planet sucks more than anything has sucked before when you choose to live your life as a shut-in, devoid of 'normal' life things and avoiding contact, etc. So what if the TV sucks, or the food, or the phone poles. You make do, or do something else. I got kind of hooked on Canto-pop music while I was in Hong Kong last, not knowing a lick of Cantonese (but maybe it was just the hot women). It really comes down to what kind of person you are, and how adaptable you can be.

Quite frankly--The expat life is not for everyone.

'Doing your turn' isn't going to work, I can assure you. Go over to the US expats homesick in the UK website and you'll find plenty of women who thought that + all the love they could give would solve everything. It doesn't. http://talk.uk-yankee.com/index.php?board=68.0 And in your case, close to your family, well I'm sorry there is no substitute. You can get by with this and that but if family is tight, then living as an expat is really a tough challenge.

I'd urge you to talk through some of these things with a bit of assistance from a professional if possible. The least of my worries would be the stigma of a 'twentysomething old divorcee'. Far more of a concern is a person you love needing more help and not getting it, or of you stuck in a no-win situation in the prime of your life.

Good luck

tamms_1965

I (USC) teach HS and I know where you are coming from. I have a friend that has been looking for a fulltime art position for 2 years. She works as a sub (many times long term in an urban area for the higher pay) and bar tends at a family friendly pub in the eves/weekend.

When positions are cut by a school, they seem to be the arts/music/gym, also.

On a different note, maybe you could save up to buy hub a used car...maybe something with high miles but looks good as a temp fix so he can get around. Or when my DH first arrived and he needed the car when I was at work, he would take me to work and then pick me up afterwards.

Sorry to hear the honeymoon is over, but I am sure there is a way to make it better...encourage him to get on BE and maybe meet some other expats, go to any meetups, try a part-time job that gets him out of the house and meeting new people a little bit in addition to his home working, etc.

Dan725

This point at least is easily remedied, surely.

SpoogleDrummer

Reminds me a lot of my situation, my US wife was close to her family where as I saw mine every few months so I moved here after being married for 2 years. I'm also a programmer First thing I did when I got here though was learn to drive, it gives you far more options for employment and I'd never driven in the UK. I do work 8-5 5 days a week but I know I'd be much more productive if I worked from home picking my own hours as I think better at night. So much so that I'm doing my own programming at night.
Where I live the men love NASCAR, cars and hunting, I don't fancy doing any of that so will probably never socialise with the locals which is why I still have contact with a lot of my friends from back home via forums, emails and chat programs. Food here is crap as there seems to be less of a selection but I'm no chef so food isn't my life.
It can be hard but I wouldn't even consider moving back to the UK, especially as we have a baby now too, though certainly not recommending you have a baby to help your marriage.
It sounds like he's not really trying, hell I'd have worked at McDonald's if I had to so that I could be with my wife, working 9-5 is a small sacrifice and I couldn't recommend more that he get a driver's license, it certainly stops you from feeling so trapped.

Gezza

Sounds to me like you are a lovely American girl who'd married a British misfit.
The best you can do is put your heart into your work, tread water, and show as little initiative as you can manage. If it is an tantrum it will blow over and he will start missing you, and come back.

If not, remember: God only lets the BAD marriages fail.

Not your fault. Feel no guilt.

mayhemuk

He needs to start finding solutions. Whether this is on his own and with your help or pro help it must come from his own desire to make the changes and adapt.

When we married (I UKC She USC) we lived and worked in London for a while. We always knew we didn't want to live the big city life as I was tiring of the corporate rat race etc etc.
So we moved to Cornwall where we loved living and we had a nice little house and my family nearby and that side of things was cool.
Work however was driving us both to distraction. My wife is a teacher (At that point elementary/primary) and basically the transition from US to UK had sucked.
Suffice it to say she did give a real good shot. Teaching in a school in Woolwich when we were in London and Truro when in Cornwall.
Without going into the minituae the systems were very different so acclimating was hard. But admin overload was what really broke it.

Meanwhile my work wasn't exactly a barrel of laughs either.

Fast forward and here we are in Marin. Things are not perfect (when will they ever be???) but we're both happy. I'm working on something I'm actually enjoying (Mostly) and I haven't said that in years. And the wife is more than content in her place back in a US school.

I don't know how much advice was in there but I think the message from me is that you have to be a little unafraid of change. You need to have some cold hard analysis of where you are and where you want to be (With a sprinkling of dreams of what you aspire too) and then see what you can do to facilitate it to work and the other things that make life tick.

18 months ago we were sitting in a little house (That we loved by the way) in the UK with the June drizzle and no work thinking what's this all about. Now we (well not right now) have super weather and a detached home WITH A POOL??? and a baby due in April!!! Cripes.

Tough decisions need to be made but make them and go forward!

Good luck!

fat_and_scottish

Where are you guys at? Anywhere near Nebraska?
We moved (from Scotland) to NE in Jan 2007. My DH was a work from home programmer/web guy too. He now is a 9-5 programmer after years of going solo. It was difficult to adjust to having a boss and only 2 weeks of vacation etc again, but it's working out.

Anyway DH has been awesome at integrating here. We have a great network of friends, between his office buddies, church friends and people we've met through homeschool groups etc. He had been really nervous about making friends but it's worked out really well. I'm sure he'd be more than happy to connect with your husband if he wants someone in the states who also misses cadburrys chocolate and muller yogurt.

Manc

sounds fantastic!