[Bermudashorts]

Originally Posted by mavine1 So, the house has sold and my mother is so completely crushed she cannot talk to me or my children at the moment. Not because she is sulking but because she is constantly in tears and finding it very hard to cope. I am struggling so much. I'm not sure I can go with the guilt of my mums breakdown hanging over me

Just reread the thread to remind myself of the situation and would stand by my last post on the matter. Your mum is not elderly and she is not being left alone, she is being manipulative and childish. If she can't talk to you right now, so be it. Tell her you will talk to her when she is ready. Don't indulge her.

[Kapri]

Originally Posted by mavine1 So, the house has sold and my mother is so completely crushed she cannot talk to me or my children at the moment. Not because she is sulking but because she is constantly in tears and finding it very hard to cope. I am struggling so much. I'm not sure I can go with the guilt of my mums breakdown hanging over me

(((hugs))) for you. It must be really hard.
I think you need to try and stay positive and let some of that rub off on your mum. Make sure she's set up on Skype, etc.
Once you're there, and she realises life goes on, it will get better.

[Tramps_mate]

Originally Posted by Bermudashorts Just reread the thread to remind myself of the situation and would stand by my last post on the matter. Your mum is not elderly and she is not being left alone, she is being manipulative and childish. If she can't talk to you right now, so be it. Tell her you will talk to her when she is ready. Don't indulge her.

Agree. She should be supporting you and not making it harder. Yes it will be devastating but she is making it much much harder for the children than need be..

[Cherry ripe]

Originally Posted by mavine1 Hi chaps, So....getting closer to our move to brissie now. And I can think about is reasons why not to go! I have posted on here previously about my mum's heartbreak at us leaving....well a couple of days ago we had a heart to heart and she begged me to look at other options saying she can't cope with us being the otherside of the world. I know I am breaking her heart and wonder if I will ever be able to live with it....my kids want to go but they are also devasted that they are leaving their beloved nanny here. sigh....... I don't suppose it helps that I have read alot of posts on here recently from those that have already moved about how they have lost a loved one in the UK and how heartbreaking it is to be so far away. I seriously need a kick up the butt because I can't think of the great reasons to go only the one reason to stay We either stay to save mum from heartbreak or try something we have always wanted to. I have no either emotional ties here only my mum....but it seems like a big one at the moment...where has my 'live for the moment and life is an adventure' outlook gone? Mav x

I know you don't believe it....but she will be fine, my parents emigrated when I was in my 20's and it broke my heart, all the birthdays ,christmas's I even had 2 children with out her. This may be cruel but....well you have to live your life, she isn't going to be here forever and then what...an opportunity missed?! Go for it head held high x

[Seasider]

Originally Posted by Seasider When I told my Mum we were leaving the UK she said, "How could you do this to us?" I said that, for the first time in ten years (long story), I was doing something for me, and for my new husband. Selfish? Possibly. Regret it? Not one bit. Live your own life.

That was my previous post, and it still stands. Your mother sounds like she needs some counselling, and you need to make this move for you and your family.

Will you stay? Who knows? Some people do not. But I hope that your mother comes to her senses and leaves you to it, and doesn't carry on this emotional blackmail she's laying on you to the extent that you can't settle.

My mother was a shocker - every little set back we had, she wanted us to "come home". In a few months we'll have been gone ten years, and we are "home".

[asher]

well I'm shocked! what a way to treat your kids she should be putting a brave front on and breaking down after you have gone!
maybe its time to blackmail back
ask her if she wants the kids to remember her as a fun granny or a weeping wailing mess who they will be sure to avoid on future visits home!

[Emma_Par]

Originally Posted by mavine1 Hi chaps, So....getting closer to our move to brissie now. And I can think about is reasons why not to go! I have posted on here previously about my mum's heartbreak at us leaving....well a couple of days ago we had a heart to heart and she begged me to look at other options saying she can't cope with us being the otherside of the world. I know I am breaking her heart and wonder if I will ever be able to live with it....my kids want to go but they are also devasted that they are leaving their beloved nanny here. sigh....... I don't suppose it helps that I have read alot of posts on here recently from those that have already moved about how they have lost a loved one in the UK and how heartbreaking it is to be so far away. I seriously need a kick up the butt because I can't think of the great reasons to go only the one reason to stay We either stay to save mum from heartbreak or try something we have always wanted to. I have no either emotional ties here only my mum....but it seems like a big one at the moment...where has my 'live for the moment and life is an adventure' outlook gone? Mav x

You poor thing, you need to do what is right for you and your family, that's is what is important. Your mum needs to get some help to deal with it as it is unfair to burden you with her emotions as you not only have to deal with yours but your husbands and children's, she should be there to support you even if she doesn't want you to go!

It is hard, my dad has just refused to talk about it and my stepmum thinks its all great to tell everyone that one of her daughters is moving to Aus (pathetic really!). However I have had to do some soul searching myself as my dad has ms and is quite bad with it and I must admit that I am a daddy's girl. Also I have only recently got in contact with my real mum who has bipolar, we have become really close, however she has been really supportive.

At the end of the day they have had their lives, lived it as they chose, made decisions that they thought was best for us growing up - now its our turn to do what we chose and what we think's best for our growing family. Follow your guts, we only get one life, what do you think would happen if you didn't go.....

[Dorothy]

Originally Posted by asher well I'm shocked! what a way to treat your kids she should be putting a brave front on and breaking down after you have gone! maybe its time to blackmail back ask her if she wants the kids to remember her as a fun granny or a weeping wailing mess who they will be sure to avoid on future visits home!

Exactly. The longer the OP allows her mother to behave this way the longer it will go on.

[moneypenny20]

Originally Posted by mavine1 So, the house has sold and my mother is so completely crushed she cannot talk to me or my children at the moment. Not because she is sulking but because she is constantly in tears and finding it very hard to cope. I am struggling so much. I'm not sure I can go with the guilt of my mums breakdown hanging over me

She's not having a breakdown, she's being a manipulative blank! Sorry but her behaviour is out of order. You wouldn't accept that sort of behaviour from a child, you don't accept it from her. You seriously need to sit her down and ask her if she's happy to be making her child and grandchildren miserable. She's 58 for crying out loud, not 90. Feel sorry for your sister when she decides to leave home!

[Cheetah7]

Shock her back to normality by suggesting a visit to a psychologist, this behavior is excessive and unfair. She is not having a breakdown, she is in a last ditch effort trying to control you and the situation.

You sound like you are wavering in your resolve and if you do, you are not sending out a good message to your own kids. Not to mention giving your mother emotional power over you from this day on.

Write her a note, tell her you are moving and temper tantrums and outbursts will not stop you. But remember, this is not a breakdown, she is not crushed or broken, she is in the last efforts of emotional blackmail because she knows you are leaving.

I would also sort out your own feelings about your Mum now, because if you don't, you may find it very tough once you are living in Australia, homesickness is hard enough when you are at peace with your decision, without adding guilt in to the mix.

Kids throw tantrums when they don't get their own way, adults however should not.

[asprilla]

Originally Posted by quoll Australia is just a country, it isnt going to offer you anything magical that any other first world country is going to offer and it isnt going to go anywhere. You just have to be able to live with your choices.

wise words there. As per Quoll's post, there is no one "right" or "wrong" answer.

[pompeyblonde]

Just reread the thread to remind myself of the situation and would stand by my last post on the matter. Your mum is not elderly and she is not being left alone, she is being manipulative and childish. If she can't talk to you right now, so be it. Tell her you will talk to her when she is ready. Don't indulge her.

I think sadly you do need to play the adult here, you don't have to sink to her level, just keep repeating that you've made your decision, and you're not going to change it, and yes I think she does need help! But you are not responsible for her behaviour, all the best

[scrudu]

Originally Posted by mavine1 I have posted on here previously about my mum's heartbreak at us leaving....well a couple of days ago we had a heart to heart and she begged me to look at other options saying she can't cope with us being the otherside of the world. I know I am breaking her heart and wonder if I will ever be able to live with it....my kids want to go but they are also devasted that they are leaving their beloved nanny here. sigh....... I don't suppose it helps that I have read alot of posts on here recently from those that have already moved about how they have lost a loved one in the UK and how heartbreaking it is to be so far away. I seriously need a kick up the butt because I can't think of the great reasons to go only the one reason to stay We either stay to save mum from heartbreak or try something we have always wanted to. I have no either emotional ties here only my mum....but it seems like a big one at the moment...where has my 'live for the moment and life is an adventure' outlook gone?

At the end of the day there is nothing you can do to change how your mum's feels, so I think you need to focus more on you and your feelings/thoughts. Lets be honest, while skype and other IT advances are great, they DO NOT in any way replace the interaction you would have face to face with your Mum.

I really think you need to think more about whether YOU can live with this change. I have always been very close to both of my parents and used to spend a lot of time with them when I lived in Ireland which made the thoughts of leaving them incredibly difficult. We've made huge efforts to keep in contact since we moved here (sms's, emails, phone calls, skype video calls etc.) and this year they're even visiting for a few months. All that has still not eased the guilt and sadness I feel about leaving, and moving home (or at least back to Europe) is always at the back of my mind. My parents never asked me to stay but as the last child to leave Ireland, their upset was clear and understandable. They have been fully supportive of our move, but even having that support doesn't necessarily mean that the move and the distance will be easier on you.

Think long and hard about the move, not for your mother's sake, but for your own. If this is the move you want and you can deal with all the implications of the move, then go for it. If not, I think it'll be rough going for you out here.

[Sally Redux]

I had some sympathy until I saw ages 56/58 - bloody ridiculous.

[LittleButton]

I faced a similar issue with my mum, who is the same age as yours, and I too have a younger sister in the UK.

I made the move over here in Oct 2011. I knew mum would be upset, so I informed her of our intention to apply and move here way back in Apr 2010. I thought that would give her time to get used to the idea, long before we actually left. How wrong I was.

To say that her reaction came as a surprise, especially the viciousness of it, is an understatement. Often it seemingly came from nowhere - we'd be getting along nicely, having dinner at a restaurant, and then there would be a huge public display of hurt, anger, tears, shouting, hurtful words. It all seemed to be designed to create as much embarrassment and shame to me as possible. Incidentally, I don't have children but was accused many times of depriving her of a relationship with her future grandchildren. This is, as others have pointed out, emotional blackmail.

Eventually she appeared to accept our move, and said she was supportive of it - but I know now that that was a lie. At our leaving party, after a couple of red wines too many the true feelings came out, once again in front of everyone.

I was brought up by her to be an independent person to live my own life and make the best of it. Now that's what I'm doing, and she doesn't like it. We do speak on Skype and email, but not as often as we might have done. I certainly don't confide in her as much as I would like to - I'm sure I would only need to mention the tiniest of problems or fears and I feel that it would start her off again - so I simply don't talk to her about how I'm settling here. In a way it is easier being here, as I don't know whether she is upset about it any more, as I don't have to see it or deal with it. It is a terrible shame, as this is not the mother/daughter relationship that I ever imagined we would have. And ultimately, I know that this issue will rear its ugly head again and that she will never be accepting of it, and we probably have many more arguments ahead of us.


She has often told me that they will never be able to visit me because of their age and health (late 50s, in excellent health) and that I will have to live with that. And essentially she was absolutely right - I do have to live with that, it is the choice I have made; and so will you. It is a very, very tough decision to make.

Good luck with what you have to face. I really do hope you manage to resolve it.