[jemima55]

Lorry,
How do you cope with your husband agreeing to go home "begrudgingly".
I`m in that position, although this move here (USA) was only supposed to be temporary. I cant wait to go back, he wants to stay here.......
but it`s like pulling teeth to discuss it!

[Lorry1]

Originally Posted by jemima55 Lorry, How do you cope with your husband agreeing to go home "begrudgingly". I`m in that position, although this move here (USA) was only supposed to be temporary. I cant wait to go back, he wants to stay here....... but it`s like pulling teeth to discuss it!

Hi Jemima,

Um it's really difficult actually and I feel guilty every day knowing that I am making him go back when he wants to stay here so bad.
I have been really depressed for 3 and a half years out of the 4 and a half years we have been here. I have cried and cried and begged to go back.
When we leave, we would have been here 6 years so it's not as if I haven't given it a chance. I have made lots of friends and I have a great job, but I don't know why it's not enough to make me stay. This just isn't home for me and I don't feel like I belong somehow.

The thing is, we weren't unhappy when we lived in England before. We had a good life, lots of friends and a few European holidays each year. I just hope that once we return and settle back in, he will see that he can be happy again and I will be sure to book lots of holidays for him

[Tr1boy]

Originally Posted by jemima55 Lorry, How do you cope with your husband agreeing to go home "begrudgingly". I`m in that position, although this move here (USA) was only supposed to be temporary. I cant wait to go back, he wants to stay here....... but it`s like pulling teeth to discuss it!

You need to tread carefully. I'm in this position with Mrs TB wanting to go back to Oz. My advice is don't push anything. If by 'pulling teeth' you mean he won't discuss when you want to then you'll need to live with that for a while. Try to force it and things are likely to snap.

I doubt there is a more reluctant returnee to Oz than I will be, but I can assure you, until the person has truly reconciled it internally (I've had to twice) then it won't be pretty. By reconciled I don't mean he's just agreed to what you're saying as that won't work. Appreciate it was meant to be a temporary situation, but you are where you are and it needs managing, by him, not you.

I've had to search deep inside myself and Mrs TB and her needs float to the top of my thoughts each time. However they do need to float, not get dragged up to the surface. Sorry to say, if he is not willing to look inside himself and work it out, then you'll have more problems than where you live.

Sorry to sound harsh, but I'm speaking from experience (and wish I wasn't).

[jemima55]

Thanks Lorry1 and Tr1boy,
There are some wise words there. Tr1boy, you describe the situation very well and give good advice. I can only hope things change over time. Dont they say the move back is more difficult than the move away in the first place?

[Tr1boy]

Originally Posted by jemima55 Thanks Lorry1 and Tr1boy, There are some wise words there. Tr1boy, you describe the situation very well and give good advice. I can only hope things change over time. Dont they say the move back is more difficult than the move away in the first place?

Yeah it can be tricky. Our issue has always been that Mrs FP isn't from the UK or Oz originally and her (sound) reasoning is that we met in Oz, and the issue of moving to the UK wasn't on the table from the start as I didn't feel that way back then.

The fine line comes into play when a person needs enough time to work it through for themselves, but not have them use that as an excuse to not think about it or pretend there is no issue.

A suggestion might be to let him know that when he's ready to talk about it then you are ready as well and you're giving him time to gather his thoughts but put set a timeframe around that (1mth, 2 mths etc) whatever is reasonable. If he flatly refuses then that's another story, or he may not be able to reconcile it at all. The important bit is trying to IMO.

[jemima55]

The decisions been made already.We are going back next summer. I`m just sad that he`s not as enthusiastic as I am. I think he sees it totally differently to me. I loved where we came from and though its pleasant here, I see no future, because, as I said it was supposed to be temporary. I`ve also had just about every major life event happen to me in the last four years which hasnt helped. It`s heartening to hear you say, Tr1boy that your wifes needs keep surfacing. I think that is how my hubby is too!

[Tr1boy]

I'm in the middle of cooking a casserole for Mrs TB when she gets home (i'm a hopeless cook so). But if the decision has been made, then don't hit him over the head with how great it'll be. He'll find his own way in his own time.

[jemima55]

Thanks! You`re right, good luck with the casserole.

[christmasoompa]

Unless I'm missing something, I don't see why you can't get everything you want - wouldn't Berkshire would mean you could commute in to London easily, have stunning countryside around you, and be near the people you love?

I'm guessing you lived in a town before, so it would have felt overcrowded and less 'country', but I'm in Berkshire and am surrounded by fields. I love watching the various animals around us, particularly the deer that visit every morning and the guinea fowl that I find very comical. Nothing within walking distance other than woods and fields, which is perfect for me! And my husband easily commutes in to London every day too.

[Lorry1]

Originally Posted by Tr1boy I'm in the middle of cooking a casserole for Mrs TB when she gets home (i'm a hopeless cook so). But if the decision has been made, then don't hit him over the head with how great it'll be. He'll find his own way in his own time.

Yes I have realised that, when I get excited and say 'this will be great' and 'that will be great,' I get a blank stare or a shrug.
He has said to me that when we move back and settle he will come to terms with it in time.

[Lorry1]

Originally Posted by christmasoompa Unless I'm missing something, I don't see why you can't get everything you want - wouldn't Berkshire would mean you could commute in to London easily, have stunning countryside around you, and be near the people you love? I'm guessing you lived in a town before, so it would have felt overcrowded and less 'country', but I'm in Berkshire and am surrounded by fields. I love watching the various animals around us, particularly the deer that visit every morning and the guinea fowl that I find very comical. Nothing within walking distance other than woods and fields, which is perfect for me! And my husband easily commutes in to London every day too.

It's more about starting somewhere brand new...or not
I have lived in Berkshire, Surrey & Hampshire and wondered about somewhere new to go back to. I think Berkshire is the best bet though as most of our friends are there.

[Giantaxe]

Originally Posted by Lorry1 I have lived in Berkshire, Surrey & Hampshire and wondered about somewhere new to go back to. I think Berkshire is the best bet though as most of our friends are there.

I'm no sure that basing a decision on where friends are should be a big factor. Maybe a factor but not a big factor. The reality is that like everyone else, friends may very well move themselves.