[dodge26]

[Bernie Barfly]

[midgetjan]

VOTED FUNNIEST JOKE IN IRELAND






An Irish schoolteacher asks her class to use the word "contagious."
Roland, the teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the
measles and my mum said it was contagious." "Well done Roland," says
the teacher. "Can anyone else try?" Katie, a sweet little girl with
pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's
contagious." "Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"
Little Seamus speaks up and says, "Our next door neighbour is painting
his house with a two-inch brush, and my dad says it will take the
contagious"

[scottishcelts]

Originally Posted by midgetjan VOTED FUNNIEST JOKE IN IRELAND An Irish schoolteacher asks her class to use the word "contagious." Roland, the teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious." "Well done Roland," says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?" Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious." "Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?" Little Seamus speaks up and says, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two-inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious"

[coolerkingcooler]

Originally Posted by midgetjan VOTED FUNNIEST JOKE IN IRELAND An Irish schoolteacher asks her class to use the word "contagious." Roland, the teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious." "Well done Roland," says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?" Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious." "Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?" Little Seamus speaks up and says, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two-inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious"

That's one of my favourite jokes

Cooler

[shears]

jan - excellent!

Labour pains !!
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the baby's father, without the need for any physical connection. He asked if they were interested, Both said they were very much in favour of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.

The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home they found the postman dead on the porch.

[shears]

Three little ducks go into a Bar.....

"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first
duck.

"Huey," was the reply.

"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all
day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the
second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"

"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.

"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of
puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must
be Louie?"

"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.

"My name is Puddles."

[ridds]

Yesterday I had a flat tyre on the highway. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the boot.

I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe! They are in trench coats, exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.

I started to change my tire, and to my surprise, cars started slowing down looking at my lifelike men. And of course, traffic started backing up. Everybody was tooting their horns and waving like crazy. It wasn't long before a cop pulled up behind me.

He got out of his car and started walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!

"What's going on here? "

"My car has a flat tyre," I said calmly.

"Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"

I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him,

"Hello-O-O-O-O-O, those are my emergency flashers!"

[ronan_in_Oz]

Diary of a young wife:


Monday:
Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home.
It's fun to cook for Tim. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "beat 12 eggs separately." Well, I didn't have enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow 12 bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine though.

Tuesday:
We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, "serve without dressing." So I didn't dress. But Tim happened to bring a friend home for supper that night. They both looked so startled when I served them, I think it was the salad.

Wednesday:
I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, "wash thoroughly before steaming the rice." So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the day. I can't say it improved the rice anyhow.

Thursday:
Today Tim asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe.
It said, prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." I hunted all over the place for a garden and when I got one, I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there for over one hour so the dog would not take it. Tim came over and asked if I felt all right.I wonder why? He must be stressed at work, I'll try to be supportive.

Friday:
Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Beat it I did,to my mum's place.
There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again, it looked the same as when I left it.

Saturday:
Tim went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't know how hens dress for Sunday.
I never noticed back on the farm, but I found an old doll dress and it's little cute shoes. I thought the hen looked really cute. When Tim saw it, he started counting to ten. Either he was really stressed because of his work, or he wanted the chicken to dance.

When I asked him what was wrong he started crying and shouting out "why me? Why me ?"

Hmmm....It must be his job.

[scottishcelts]

Originally Posted by ridds Yesterday I had a flat tyre on the highway. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the boot. I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe! They are in trench coats, exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers. I started to change my tire, and to my surprise, cars started slowing down looking at my lifelike men. And of course, traffic started backing up. Everybody was tooting their horns and waving like crazy. It wasn't long before a cop pulled up behind me. He got out of his car and started walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper! "What's going on here? " "My car has a flat tyre," I said calmly. "Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?" I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, "Hello-O-O-O-O-O, those are my emergency flashers!"

[MacScot]

Originally Posted by scottishcelts .....8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk......

Haha...that reminds me of a true story. It was the final in a dominoes competition in a Bannockburn pub. The guy that won - Three Fingers McGovern (lost them in a mining accident) won the pot of GBP 55 pounds.

The next night, the barman told me that Three Fingers McGovern had slipped one of his dominoes into his pint of Guinness and that's how he'd won. A sneaky way to cheat !

[furkew]

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years..
He had a large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

[The Bloke]

I don't know whether this has been on before but i got this from my brother the other day.......

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.
Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'.
Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off.. He falls flat on his face.
'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face,
'Shoite, Shoite !'

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.
'Bi'Jesus.... I'm fockin' focked,' he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside..
He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No fockin' way'.
He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says 'Fock it' and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?'
Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?'
'Mick phoned . . . you left your wheelchair at the pub.'

[scottishcelts]

Originally Posted by MacScot Haha...that reminds me of a true story. It was the final in a dominoes competition in a Bannockburn pub. The guy that won - Three Fingers McGovern (lost them in a mining accident) won the pot of GBP 55 pounds. The next night, the barman told me that Three Fingers McGovern had slipped one of his dominoes into his pint of Guinness and that's how he'd won. A sneaky way to cheat !

[Alfresco]

An drunk electrician arrived at his house at 2 a.m.

His wife was waiting and said "Wire you insulate?"

He replied "Watts it to you, I’m ohm ain’t I?"

“How did you get ohm?” She asked.

“I was brought ohm by a copper - wire you asking?”

She was completely shocked by his reply.