[Poppy girl]

I was reading this article this morning and wondered what other folks take on this was! http://gma.yahoo.com/blogs/abc-blogs...opstories.html

I have no children myself but I have over the years thought about adoption, certainly not at this stage in my life, but it's passed my mind a few times.

Do any of you have adopted children, what worries me is do kids grow up to reflect the life they have been brought in, or the genes that they were born with, which might not be quite what you signed up for!!

[WEBlue]

Originally Posted by Poppy girl Do any of you have adopted children, what worries me is do kids grow up to reflect the life they have been brought in, or the genes that they were born with, which might not be quite what you signed up for!!

I read this story too. We were living in the UK when this story first hit the newspapers, when the American mother put the Russian 7 year old adoptee on the plane back to Russia with all his papers & a note saying she couldn't deal with him any more.

It reminded me of an adopted girl I grew up with who was the terror of the neighbourhood. She wasn't foreign but obviously had previous issues--I see that now, but had no idea as a child. All of us neighbourhood kids were scared of her, poor thing. She was very wild, would do everything from unexpectedly spitting in your face to trying to set fires.

Her adoptive mother, a friend of my mother's, had issues of her own, mainly depression of some kind that wasn't diagnosed till years later when she went on medication. I think the combination of hurt vulnerable child and hurt vulnerable mother was a recipe for disaster in their case.

From my own experience raising my birth children in several different countries, I feel any major change can throw a child into complete turmoil, and you never know how that child will react. IME, parenting itself is a HUGE challenge that can strain all one's resources (emotional, psychological, financial) to the edge. Add in a child with issues that the parent can't always know or understand and my hat goes off to all the adoptive parents who raise the kids they adopt. It must be so tough sometimes.

Every once in a while, I toy with the idea of fostering, b/c I loved raising my kids & I miss them. But it would be a MAJOR committment . . . and I'm frankly not sure I'm up to it. Not yet anyway . . . .

[Bob]

I think a lot of it is down to the environment that they are brought up in.

If you give them a chance, they will have a better chance to flourish than those that aren't, but that's the same whether they are adopted or not.

Some of it might also be down to where you live though.

Got some relatives who adopted a kid from China, but they live way out there up in Maine and the kid really had a rough start that they had early intervention help out with speech therapy and the like.

Few years later and starting school, got bullied a fair bit because she was different and the kids were cruel which wasn't nice, but after a while things improved.

The kid is doing great now and is lovely, though she seems pretty introverted and I have no idea if school had anything to do with that.

Not sure the folks would have done the same thing again, possibly would have considered adopting from somewhere else so the kid would have had an easier time of things, but it isn't anything they would ever say to the kid, just a feeling you get from talking to them.

[WEBlue]

Originally Posted by Bob I think a lot of it is down to the environment that they are brought up in. If you give them a chance, they will have a better chance to flourish than those that aren't, but that's the same whether they are adopted or not. Some of it might also be down to where you live though. Got some relatives who adopted a kid from China, but they live way out there up in Maine and the kid really had a rough start that they had early intervention help out with speech therapy and the like. Few years later and starting school, got bullied a fair bit because she was different and the kids were cruel which wasn't nice, but after a while things improved. The kid is doing great now and is lovely, though she seems pretty introverted and I have no idea if school had anything to do with that. Not sure the folks would have done the same thing again, possibly would have considered adopting from somewhere else so the kid would have had an easier time of things, but it isn't anything they would ever say to the kid, just a feeling you get from talking to them.

Yes, where you bring up your kids is SO key. I think parents forget that the place they live in may or may not take their child hostage. We lived in several countries, and one of my children "bonded" with a country that he will very likely never be able to live in (unless things change drastically in that country's immigration system). He may try, but I fear he won't succeed, & I feel badly about that, that the husband & I took him there as almost an adventure & the place caught at his heart.

Another of my kids bonded with a country that welcomed her application for citizenship, but sometimes I wonder if that was right for her either . . . .

Then again maybe this parental guilt just comes with the territory. whatever you do as a parent can sometimes seem misguided.

[WEBlue]

I found this opinion piece by another adoptive mum of a foreign child. She's shocked by this case, as is everyone else . . . but also somewhat understanding of the stresses inherent in the process. She explains some of the difficult behaviours of her own adoptive child.

The parents of internationally adopted children, like myself, and the agencies that work with them are horrified by this family's actions -- Torry Hansen's mother put the boy on a plane with a note -- but also empathetic: We know just how challenging and frustrating raising such a child can be.

[dakota44]

The first question that came to mind when I read that story in the beginning was, 'what process is involved in approving a foreign adoption' by the Russians, as well as some other countries. I looked into the process here in Peru for one of my daughters, and these folks put you through a real process.

First, you have to use an adoption agency in the U.S. from a list of those approved by Peru, at significant cost. Then you have to submit complete financials, certified photos of the inside and outside of your home, references, have a psychological exam and undergo an interview. I'm sure I've left a few things out. Then, once a child is chosen for you (that's right, chosen for you, not chosen by you) you need to travel to Peru where you will remain for as much as a month. During that time the child will live with you and there will be regular visits by a psychologist and representative of the ministry to evaluate the bonding relationship. Only when they are satisfied that you and the child are bonding well and they feel the adoption will be successful will you be allowed to take the child home. There are a lot of abandoned kids here, and on the one hand it is possible to think that they make the process too strenuous, but on the other, it is protection for the child. I can't argue with that.

[Holliver]

Did anyone read this article?
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/arti...wrong-was.html

Nature vs nurture isn't it.

[moneypenny20]

Originally Posted by dakota44 The first question that came to mind when I read that story in the beginning was, 'what process is involved in approving a foreign adoption' by the Russians, as well as some other countries. I looked into the process here in Peru for one of my daughters, and these folks put you through a real process. First, you have to use an adoption agency in the U.S. from a list of those approved by Peru, at significant cost. Then you have to submit complete financials, certified photos of the inside and outside of your home, references, have a psychological exam and undergo an interview. I'm sure I've left a few things out. Then, once a child is chosen for you (that's right, chosen for you, not chosen by you) you need to travel to Peru where you will remain for as much as a month. During that time the child will live with you and there will be regular visits by a psychologist and representative of the ministry to evaluate the bonding relationship. Only when they are satisfied that you and the child are bonding well and they feel the adoption will be successful will you be allowed to take the child home. There are a lot of abandoned kids here, and on the one hand it is possible to think that they make the process too strenuous, but on the other, it is protection for the child. I can't argue with that.

I wonder if the likes of Madonna and that Jolie woman would be subject to the same regulations

[dakota44]

Originally Posted by moneypenny20 I wonder if the likes of Madonna and that Jolie woman would be subject to the same regulations

I think, from what I recall, Jolie pretty much stuck to the rules, but Madonna not so much.

[Dorothy]

Originally Posted by dakota44 I think, from what I recall, Jolie pretty much stuck to the rules, but Madonna not so much.

Yes, I think you're right. Madonna pretty much bought herself a new toy.

[petrichor]

I've known two people closely who have adopted. One is a lifelong friend who chose to adopt rather than have her own children. In both cases, even though the children were very young when adopted, it was still easy to read the marks of abuse on them (emotionally, I mean). Both people I know adopted boy and girl siblings.

In one case a little girl was two when she was adopted and her brother was six months old. The little girl, if she was caught being naughty, would offer sexual favours . Despite a loving upbringing for the rest of her life, she still went off the rails, though she didn't end up in jail. The little boy turned into a lovely young man.

My close friend's children have turned out okay but they were the victims of neglect rather than abuse. The younger child, a boy, has learning difficulties but no one is sure whether that's congenital or not. The girl, now a woman, is absolutely fine.

But one thing my friend said to me, after she'd been through the whole process, is that she felt that people who adopt are ironically the least suitable to do it. They bring so much emotional baggage of heartbreak, broken dreams and often unrealistic hopes into their relationships with the adoptive children. And they usually have no experience of raising any children, let alone deeply troubled and disturbed ones. Small babies are rarely available to adopt these days, so often a child can already be quite scarred by the time they are adopted.

Also, adoption agencies may be unaware of what a child has gone through or may fail to pass that information on. On top of that, once the adoption has taken place, there's often very little further support provided. All in all, it's a testament to the care and hard work of adoptive parents that more children aren't put on a plane back to wherever they came from.

[Ash UK/US]

Nature or nurture has been been debated and studied for many years, personally I am more apt to believe that nurture has more of an influence than nature in a child.