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Old Aug 2nd 2016, 8:52 am   #16
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Default Re: Cucumber News

Below is a recipe for Cucumber Wine
I'm not sure if its the right time to attempt making it right now, as for the same
cost of the ingredients, you could probably stock up on a few bottles of Glenfiddich 50 Year Old Single Malt,
or at least a case if not two of Krug.

Antway, heres the recipe, I'm booked in to see the bank manager next week to dicuss a mortgage extension
so I can afford to give it crack


Ingredients
4lb Cucumber
2 Oranges
2 Lemons
7 Cups of Sugar
1tsp Pectic Enzyme
1tsp Wine Yeast
1tsp Yeast Nutrient
5g Tannin

Method
1. Wash the cucs and cut them into pieces
2. Wash oranges & lemons, slice thinly and add to cucs
3. Add sugar & poor 1 gallon boiling water over the mixture
4. Add pectic enzyme when cooled
5. After 24 hours add yeast. Stir daily for 5 days
6. Strain, pour into demijohn & fit airlock
7. Rack after 3 weeks and every month for 6 months then bottle
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Old Aug 2nd 2016, 9:05 am   #17
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Default Re: Cucumber News

Wow steady on!! 4lbs of cucumbers - that's some kind of rock n'roll lifestyle. Before we know it you'll be slinging the TV out of your bedroom window.
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Old Aug 2nd 2016, 9:23 am   #18
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Default Re: Cucumber News

Quote:
Originally Posted by Millhouse View Post
so what's the deal with the cucumbers? they grow in the same climate as Toms?
It's rip off and that tomatoes are out off season is wrong. Thanks to modern lighting equipment, they even manage to grow them in the Netherlands all year round and anyone can grow cucumbers and tomatoes in their garden with a bit of creativity. If cold is the issue and you're worried about heating bills, just redistribute heat that you have anyway (shower, stove, other heaters.) Maybe that will solve the cucumber crisis :-)
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Old Aug 20th 2016, 2:12 am   #19
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Default Re: Cucumber News

The weather has noticeably improved in Auckland over the past week so I hope that means that the winter shortages are nearing an end - less than $4 for a cucumber today!
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Old Aug 20th 2016, 6:36 am   #20
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Default Re: Cucumber News

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The weather has noticeably improved in Auckland over the past week so I hope that means that the winter shortages are nearing an end - less than $4 for a cucumber today!
I'm glad you posted that and not me. I'd have been cucumbered.

Shiny tasteless gilt edged tomatoes anyone
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Old Aug 20th 2016, 9:13 am   #21
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Default Re: Cucumber News

Yay, only four more months til summer.

I've noticed most of the shops are gearing up and stacking the shelves with summer clothes and picnic ware.
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Old Aug 20th 2016, 9:45 am   #22
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Default Re: Cucumber News

Have to say cucumbers are the one thing we have picked up here, looked at the price and simultaneously said "bloody hell - how much"!!! Not the only thing (obviously) but probably the most surprising.
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Old Aug 23rd 2016, 1:09 am   #23
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Default Re: Cucumber News

sorry but banana news, going to be a shortage over the next two weeks as a boat carrying bananas here has broken down
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Old Aug 23rd 2016, 1:29 am   #24
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Default Re: Cucumber News

We get Japanese cucumbers here - short and stubby, but still cucumbery taste. About 60p (UK). Most UK ones sold in supermarkets come from Netherlands but are sold off very cheap when near use by date.
todays price from ASDA is 42p(UK) just for interest.
no problem with bananas as they are grown here-can we send you a boat load Mrs F?
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Old Aug 23rd 2016, 1:42 am   #25
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Default Re: Cucumber News

I was once a witness to a vicious assault involving a cucumber.

Around 2001 the (now) wife and I were living together in our first proper home, we were renting a flat out on the outskirts of the town centre. Because every available penny was spent on nights out things were tight. Back then the most famous budget supermarket was Netto, our was a few miles away right in the middle of a sprawling council estate confirming the truth in the phrase 'where there's a Netto, there's a ghetto'.

Every Friday we'd go there for the 'big shop', it took some doing to spend more than 40 quid, you'd have to use frozen pizzas to extend the height of a shopping trolley for it to hold more than 40 quids worth of groceries. One Friday we headed down there and just in front of us entering the supermarket through those revolving shiny aluminium turnstiles was a young couple about our age, they had obviously not perfected the pizza box technique as they were going in armed with a trolley each, Dale Winton would have been spinning in his grave had he been dead. This young couple were having a blazing row as we headed up the first aisle, this aisle started with tinned bargains eventually ending up as the fruit and vegetable section. She was giving him a right old telling off, shouting and swearing which had the whole supermarket peering over and through the shelving units. I remember telling my missus that whatever happened we were to stay firmly behind this couple, we couldn't risk the possibility of missing a council estate supermarket full on domestic, things like this didn't happen very often and there was no way we were missing it. As the couple reached the end of aisle one they were vocally browsing the fruit and vegetable on display still arguing. She was obviously more into the fresh foods than he was as he set off down aisle two. Aisle two was the kind of aisle you only get in budget supermarkets, it's the aisle where anything goes, you could pick up a bottle of Slovakian dandruff shampoo, a 20 piece socket set and some wheel trims for a 1993 Escort Mk3 all from the same shelving unit. He was in budget supermarket heaven, I think she knew this as she was obviously planning her attack very carefully and wanted to catch him off guard, maybe she'd spend time in the military, who knows. She exited the fruit and vegetable section, rounded the corner into aisle two and then it happened.......... She brutally launched a foot long polythene wrapped cucumber right in his direction with pin point accuracy, maybe she represented Yorkshire at cricket because this throw was a beauty. It hit him right on the side of the head, he wasn't expecting a thing, the force at which she threw it guaranteed the polythene wrapping stood no chance. This giant of a cucumber exploded on impact and we were metres away, what a sight!!!!

What happened next is still talked about to this day (in our house anyway), as he was composing himself trying to figure out why is head was throbbing and why aisle two was covered in green chunks of cucumber and shreds of polythene she started her second assault, this one was vocal, she bellowed out at the poor bloke..... 'Now look what you've gone and made me ******* do'

Happy days!!!!!
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Old Aug 23rd 2016, 6:25 am   #26
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Default Re: Cucumber News

If natural yoghurt, mint and garlic were launched in the arial assault he would have been covered in Tzatziki.
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Old Aug 23rd 2016, 6:35 am   #27
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Default Re: Cucumber News

Quote:
Originally Posted by MrsFychan View Post
sorry but banana news, going to be a shortage over the next two weeks as a boat carrying bananas here has broken down
Oh yes, we have no bananas. We have no bananas today.
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Old Aug 23rd 2016, 8:59 pm   #28
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Default Re: Cucumber News

Quote:
Originally Posted by barnsleymat View Post
I was once a witness to a vicious assault involving a cucumber.

Around 2001 the (now) wife and I were living together in our first proper home, we were renting a flat out on the outskirts of the town centre. Because every available penny was spent on nights out things were tight. Back then the most famous budget supermarket was Netto, our was a few miles away right in the middle of a sprawling council estate confirming the truth in the phrase 'where there's a Netto, there's a ghetto'.

Every Friday we'd go there for the 'big shop', it took some doing to spend more than 40 quid, you'd have to use frozen pizzas to extend the height of a shopping trolley for it to hold more than 40 quids worth of groceries. One Friday we headed down there and just in front of us entering the supermarket through those revolving shiny aluminium turnstiles was a young couple about our age, they had obviously not perfected the pizza box technique as they were going in armed with a trolley each, Dale Winton would have been spinning in his grave had he been dead. This young couple were having a blazing row as we headed up the first aisle, this aisle started with tinned bargains eventually ending up as the fruit and vegetable section. She was giving him a right old telling off, shouting and swearing which had the whole supermarket peering over and through the shelving units. I remember telling my missus that whatever happened we were to stay firmly behind this couple, we couldn't risk the possibility of missing a council estate supermarket full on domestic, things like this didn't happen very often and there was no way we were missing it. As the couple reached the end of aisle one they were vocally browsing the fruit and vegetable on display still arguing. She was obviously more into the fresh foods than he was as he set off down aisle two. Aisle two was the kind of aisle you only get in budget supermarkets, it's the aisle where anything goes, you could pick up a bottle of Slovakian dandruff shampoo, a 20 piece socket set and some wheel trims for a 1993 Escort Mk3 all from the same shelving unit. He was in budget supermarket heaven, I think she knew this as she was obviously planning her attack very carefully and wanted to catch him off guard, maybe she'd spend time in the military, who knows. She exited the fruit and vegetable section, rounded the corner into aisle two and then it happened.......... She brutally launched a foot long polythene wrapped cucumber right in his direction with pin point accuracy, maybe she represented Yorkshire at cricket because this throw was a beauty. It hit him right on the side of the head, he wasn't expecting a thing, the force at which she threw it guaranteed the polythene wrapping stood no chance. This giant of a cucumber exploded on impact and we were metres away, what a sight!!!!

What happened next is still talked about to this day (in our house anyway), as he was composing himself trying to figure out why is head was throbbing and why aisle two was covered in green chunks of cucumber and shreds of polythene she started her second assault, this one was vocal, she bellowed out at the poor bloke..... 'Now look what you've gone and made me ******* do'

Happy days!!!!!
That was such a funny post - I literally laughed out loud. With such verbal eloquence and attention to detail, I felt I was there. You HAVE to be a writer surely?
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Old Aug 24th 2016, 4:22 am   #29
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Default Re: Cucumber News

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Originally Posted by Snap Shot View Post
natural yoghurt
Specific.
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Old Aug 24th 2016, 9:12 am   #30
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Default Re: Cucumber News

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Originally Posted by barnsleymat View Post
It hit him right on the side of the head, he wasn't expecting a thing, the force at which she threw it guaranteed the polythene wrapping stood no chance. This giant of a cucumber exploded on impact and we were metres away, what a sight!!!!
PMSL

Reminded me of this

Now Ernie dragged him from his van and beneath the blazing sun,
They stood there face to face, and Ted went for his bun.
But Ernie was too quick, things didn't go the way Ted planned,
And a strawberry-flavoured yogurt sent it spinning from his hand.

Now Susie ran between them and tried to keep them apart,
And Ernie, he pushed her aside and a rock cake caught him underneath his heart.
And he looked up in pained surprise and the concrete hardened crust,
Of a stale pork pie caught him in the eye and Ernie bit the dust.
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