Bahtatboy

A scientist wants to reduce my body temperature to minus 273 degrees Celsius.

My wife says it'll kill me, but I think I'll be 0K.

TGFKASE

The amount of humour I derived from this joke was absolute 0.....

Bahtatboy

And another one, a bit dated but worth repeating:

GORDON BROWN was visiting a Scottish primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mr. Brown if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'. So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'.
A little boy stood up and offered, "If ma best freen, wha' lives on a ferm, is playin' in the field and a tractor rins ower him and kills him, that wid be a tragedy."
"Incorrect", said Gordon, in his best trying-not-to-sound-too-Scottish-accent, "That would be an accident
A little girl raised her hand, "If a school bus kerryin' fifty children drove ow'r a cliff, killing a'body inside, that wid be a tragedy"

'I'm afraid not', explained Gordon, "that's what we would refer to as a great loss.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Gordon searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, at the back of the room, a wee lad raised his hand and, in a quiet voice, said: "If a plane kerryin' you and Mr. Darlin' wiz struck by a 'freendly fire' missile & blawn tae smithereens, that wid be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Gordon, "and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Weel", says the lad, "it has tae be a tragedy, because it certainly widnae be a great loss, and it probably widnae be a f*****g accident either!"

Bahtatboy

And another..

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the T shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly," You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?" She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

Bahtatboy

And one for RK and Millhouse:

A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems.
"Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor.
"Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair."

Bahtatboy

And another...

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!"

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut."

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked, "Really small, was it?"

Sally replied, "No... Salty."

littlejimmy

That is superb.