lionheart

According to a survey reported on Yahoo UK (so it must be true), only 6% of London men were found to have faecal bacteria on their hands. This rose to 21% for Brummies, 36% for Scousers and...53% for Geordies. Oh dear! Somewhat surprisingly, 21% of London women were found to have dirty hands, thus confirming my suspicion that most Cockney men are ponces.

Blue Cat

53% for geordies

MacScot

...what's worrying it gets worse the further north in Britain you go.

I'm so glad they stopped at Geordieland...heavens knows what the case in Scotland would be ! Hands made of chocolate (euphemism) ?

Blue Cat

BangleMan

You just confirmed my suspicion that anyone from Manchester is a twat !

Charismatic

EFA.


NORTHERNERS TERRIFIED OF TOILET PAPER, SAYS STUDY

People in the north of England refuse to use to toilet paper believing it will steal their soul, according to new research.

Scientists say this fear of toilet paper means their hands gradually become covered in faecal matter until they look like they are wearing a pair of brown suede gloves.

When this is combined with the Northerners long-held fear of soap the result is a public transport system teeming with exotic diseases and reeking of undiluted human waste.

Ministers are now warning of a cholera outbreak on the Newcastle Metro system unless someone is able to convince the local population that Andrex is not a manifestation of the evil god 'Pazuzu'.

Bill McKay, a retired engineer from North Shields, said: "Everyone knows your soul lives just inside your bumshaft and that it loves the taste of toilet paper.

"My uncle Jim used toilet paper once. Overnight he turned into a zombie and went to live in Gateshead. He died 30 years later."

Mr McKay added: "Back Pazuzu! I do renounce thee! Thou will not tempt me with thy three layers of demonic quiltiness!"

A department of health spokesman said: "We're producing a DVD showing how toilet paper is made, including the use of sustainable forests, the bleaching process, the perforations between each sheet and even how they get it all onto the roll.

"At each stage we will have an interview with a reputable scientist pointing out the absence of soul-hungry demons."

lionheart

So who do you know from Manchester? That particular city is not even mentioned in the survey, you Cockney git.

BangleMan

Am, sure its not, cos they are more minging that the rest of the country put together

Roadking

How do blind people know when to stop wiping?

MacScot

..when their seeing-eye dog takes over ! Slurp slurp

Grace O Malley

Are all folk from london cockneys then?

MissDemeanor

Oh christ...this is all i need..

I get bouts of having to wash my hands constantly.Havent had it for a while but it started again a couple of weeks ago...looks like it wont be going away any day soon.

BangleMan

No Anna, in theory you are only a cockney if you are born within the sounds of Bow bells.....LH is just generalising as per usual

Grace O Malley

Um!

thank you BM thats indeed what I thought!

BangleMan

You're welcome.....now where is LH, ummm ?