Irishbeekeeper

A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.
The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died.
She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be...

scrubbedexpat141

Q: What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?
A: Slap her on the ass and tell her to get back to work.

scrubbedexpat141

An old guy is sitting on a bus when a punk rocker gets on. The punk rocker's mohawk is red, green, yellow and orange. He has feather earrings. When he sees the old man staring at him, the punk rocker says, "What's the matter old man? Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were a young guy?"
The old guy says in reply "Yeah. One time I screwed a peacock. I thought maybe you were my kid."

scrubbedexpat141

A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters carry spoons in their pockets?" The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since we had that efficiency expert out; he determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen." The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?" The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same efficiency expert determined that we spend too much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string to pull out my penis, go, and return to work. Having never touched myself, there is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time." Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your penis back in your pants?"
"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."

Rubydo

do you actually get any work done?

scrubbedexpat141

I do enough to be respected but not enough to be challenged.

Rubydo

Sounds good to me

scrubbedexpat141

THat was a lie. I'm not respected really. I just coast and it's enough to get by and earn some bonus.

Rubydo

Same same

Irishbeekeeper

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

Irishbeekeeper

A women goes to the doctor all black and blue..
Doctor: "What happened?" Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk on Bud Light he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a remedy for that. When your husband comes home drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in his Bud Light stupor."
Two weeks later the women comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk on Bud Light, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished and he didn't touch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

I know I know I know!! Go forth and multiply!

Irishbeekeeper

More sad than funny because you are expecting a really fat f*** to be making this video but the sad thing is that this kid will probably be twice this current weight if he continues living how he is living.

This Guy Is Really, Really, Really Happy That The McRib Is Back

http://www.break.com/video/mcrib-is-back-and-this-guy-is-happy-2968220

Bahtatboy

My all time favourite:

A middle-aged man walks into the bar in the clubhouse, with a golf club bent right round his neck, and somwhat bruised. The barman asked him what happened.

“Well, my wife and I had just teed off on the 13th – the dog-leg right with the out-of-bounds cow pasture. My wife sliced her shot, and it went in the pasture. We climbed over the stile to get in the field, and there were a dozen or so cows in it. We had a good look round for her ball, but couldn’t find it. I noticed that one of the cows was looking a bit distressed, and was flicking it’s tail frantically. I edged closer to it, and saw what looked like a ball lodged in its … er … um … vagina. I gingerly lifted its tail, and sure enough it was a golf ball. While holding the cow’s tail up, I pointed at the ball and shouted to my wife who was at the other side of the field, “This looks like yours””.

Irishbeekeeper

A young woman in New York was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.
"What are you doing here?" the captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

Irishbeekeeper

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'. Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. 'Jaysus' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face,
'****, '**** !'
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.
'By'Jeebers.... I'm a little crocked,' he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says 'oh for fecks sake'. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face He says ' Damn it ' and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?'
Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was really crocked But how'd you know?'
'Mick phoned . . . you left your wheelchair at the pub.'