commander

Anyone know of friends who are sharp as hell when it comes to put down lines..

Mate told me this...

Was out with a mate in a crowded bar when his ex walks over. She interrupts him talking to another girl, saying to the girl "I wouldn't bother love, tiny cock." *waving her little finger at him* To which he instantly replies "Look Karen, even Eric Clapton couldn't fill the Albert Hall night after night" To which at least three people earwigging and drinking, sprayed lager everywhere whilst trying not to laugh/choke.


or i was told this one:


In an off-license, there was a pen on the floor and the guy in front of us in the queue turned round and said "is that your pen, pal?" my mate instantly replied "Naw, ma penpal's in africa mate".

The guy was fuming when the full queue burst into hysterics.


any more for any more

rhrhrh

There is a new commander of a base of the French Foreign Legion, and the captain is showing him around all the buildings. After he has made the rounds the commander looks at the captain and says, "Wait a minute. You haven't shown me that small blue building over there. What's that used for?" The captain says, "Well sir, you see that there are no women around. Whenever the men feel the need of a woman, they go there and use the camel." "Enough!" says the commander in disgust.

Well, two weeks later, the commander himself starts to feel in need of a woman. He goes to the captain and says, "Tell me something, Captain." Lowering his voice and glancing furtively around, he asks, "Is the camel free anytime soon?" The captain says, "Well, let me see." He opens up his book. "Why, yes, sir, the camel is free tomorrow afternoon at two o'clock." The commander says, "Put me down for two o'clock then."

So the next day at two o'clock the commander goes to the little blue building and opens the door. There inside he finds the cutest camel he's ever seen. Right next to the camel is a little step stool, so he closes the door behind him and puts the step stool directly behind the camel. He stands on the stool, drops his pants, and begins to have sex with the camel. A minute later the captain walks in. "Ahem, begging your pardon sir," says the captain, "but wouldn't it be wiser to ride the camel into town and find a woman like all the other men?"

commander

was that a joke or a put down..

Charismatic

A couple of ones less likely to get you punched that I've used on occasion.

When chatting to a nice girl or just a friend at the bar who needs "saving" from some inept drunk bloke hitting on her.

Me: "Can't you see I'm at work here? I don't come to Burgerking and bother you while your at work do I?" Damned if you say yes, damned if you say no.

"I love your shirt, I had one just like it at high school."

"How do you guys hang out with this guy/girl, is he/she always like this?" Must have been used millions of times but still gets people defending themselves if they are giving you a hard time.

commander

"If I wanted to hear an a*sehole I'd have farted" usually does it for me

Spugsy

a mate of a mate (yeah I know) is this bloke who's full of himself, basically because he has a 9" cock,

anyway they are all in Dublin on a stagg do and he takes a shine to the barmaid, but she's not interested so at kicking out time when she;s going around cleaning up and wiping down the tables he lobs it out on the table in front of her,

she just picked it up, cleaned the table underneath it and flopped it back down again and carried on,

all the lads nearly died laughing, he was proper gutted.

commander

work night out. Boss goes up to a nice young un in bar and says

"where you been all my life"

she replies:
"well I was not even born for half of it !"




Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
Man: That works for me....as long as you are still a little warm when I shove it up your arse.

MissDemeanor

How many times do I have to flush before you go away?

Roadking

"God, you are ugly."

"You are drunk."

"Yeah, but I'll be sober tomorrow!"

Blue Cat

good god your that ugly Walt Disney couldn't paint your face

go home, your village is missing an idiot

Is it Halloween already

Roadking

Drunk in a bar won't let up on the pretty barmaid until she says

"Listen, I already have one c%nt in my knickers, I don't need another one!"

Apologies for the sweary words...

Roadking

"Do you have a pen, love?"

"Well get back in it!"

boroexile

A mate to a girl in a club: Can I buy you a drink?

Her to him (laughing): What makes you think I would want anything to do with you?

My mate: Sorry love I think you mis-heard, I said you look fat in that dress.

He got a drink poured on him but her face was priceless.....

Karlos The Jackal

One of my all time favorites !

Fancy a **** love?

No !!!!

Well do yer mind laying down while a have one

Roadking

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.