Max the Dog

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the
meaning of this ? (reading aloud): "' England expects every person to do his or
her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious
persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal
opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting
' England ' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the
main brace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of! the
Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the
greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch.
Report from the crow's nest please."

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I
refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of
admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented
in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell
the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.
They're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of
legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir the French and the Spanish are our European partners
now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be
in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation. "

Nelson: Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on
corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "That is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case........ ......... ......... ..... kiss me, Hardy

seven seas

don't forget to mention the source of this little 'funny' text.

Let me guess... The Sun?