between two worlds

charley, very interesting post, always great to hear from you, no need to apologise!

It is saddening to read of so many couples divided because one wants to go back and the other doesn't..

So sorry you are torn in this way between England and 89-year-old Mum, and USA and young adult children....

another illustration of the eternal pulled-both-ways-ness of this expat life.

Thank you so much for sharing your experiences, both practical and emotional.

tina

jasper123

Hello feelbritish,
Welcome to this thread, are both you and hubby English or just you?
Well I havent heard that expression for a long long time, (GOING OFF THE HANDLE) I love it or flying off the handle some people say, thats just about as old a British saying as our beloved (WHOOPSI DAISY)
Quite a few people on here have had the same problem as you where they get that feeling of wanting to go back to the U.K. sooooo much but there spouse does not,
Anyway good luck on your holiday over here,
Rodney.
PS Just make sure he has a wonderful time over here

J.JsOH

Hello feelbritish;

I was a reluctant husband.

I enjoyed life in the USA from the word go. We had all that we needed, both had good jobs (mine was a transfer from a UK company) at higher salary than UK, a warmer climate (although sometimes too humid), a nice relatively cheaper house house, friendly neighbors, pleasant friends, vacations around the US, South America, Caribbean. Life was good. I couldn't see any need to disrupt that. I even got good at making pork pies to satisfy the occasional craving. Sure, not everything was wonderful with the US but was comfortable enough that there was no need to move to improve our lot.

I was always aware, because she would tell me from time to time, that my wife wanted to return to live in UK eventually and I was OK with that provided it was 'sometime in the future'

My wife initially felt not settled in US, was better once she was allowed to work, even said after a wet weekend in London that she was glad to be going 'home' to the US.

On visits back to UK we had enjoyable times, the weather seemed to always be good, we did the activities that we liked in UK. One time alone I was surrounded by vigilante youths wanted to know why I was walking up their street, another time we had a camera stolen. This had never happened anywhere else in the world so I had reservations about UK but generally was not deterred.

In my case as a reluctant husband 'the future' arrived and I could see that our life was about to change - and so I proposed if we had to be disrupted we may as well choose that particular time to move back. My wife had taken voluntary redundancy at 62 and declared retirement, (would have been officially at 60 if we had been living in UK), and then my US employer wanted me to relocate or be laid off. House prices had risen a bit, exchange rate was favorable and we had enough savings to move to and live in UK without immediate need for employment.

This is just me but I recognize, while sympathetic to my wife not being fully settled, it had to be a decision on my part that there was a need to disrupt our life.

Enthusiastically, I pitched in to prep the house for sale and it sold in 1 day, giving us 8 weeks to arrange our departure. While stressful it was exciting and I was enthusiastic along with my wife to be coming back to UK.

Generally, things are fine now that we are back in UK.
I've had a job that I grew to hate, I was laid off, and I experienced those in the US too. I have as many dislikes for the way the UK runs as I had in the US.
I think I am not yet over the stresses of the move plus the frustrating job / lay off experience. (and maybe the stress of the move affected my job performance)
I must consider also that I am (was) an engineering project manager so I do have high expectations that things will be done correctly and effectively and to my mind set UK seems to often be that things just somehow muddle through, particularly with the financial industry. However, buses and NHS appointments usually run on time, trains too unless someone has stolen the cabling!
Generally things are good here in UK, it's just that I'm having trouble fitting in and accepting society as it is, similar to how my wife felt in US.
Mind you, the attractions of the US are not sufficient to make me want to again go through the effort and stress of a move back to US. I will learn to live with the UK and its peoples.

As Between Two Worlds say, this isn't a men vs women, between spouses division, for us two we each needed to reach the conclusion in our own way as well as partners.

Fish n Chips 56

Am I the only one having trouble loading up this site/page?

I just wrote Feelbritish one of my long posts and then went to review it, it vanished/ (page expired), this is the 2nd day of this, surely it cant be just me...

dunroving

I've had a handful of occasions over the past two days where I got a "page can not be displayed" (or whatever it is) message for BE - but other sites were working fine. When I refreshed the page, it sorted itself out (though it took two or three refreshes at times). Of course, if that happens when you are sending a reply, your message disappears into the ether.

It doesn't solve your problem, but whenever I'm working somewhere with bad internet reception, I type emails offline (in Word, in a Temporary folder) and then copy and paste.

Beedubya

Yes I have been having probs too, I either do the word thing as above or I copy it BEFORE pressing the "submit reply" button, nothing worse than losing a big post.

feelbritish

Thank you for your welcome Rodney. My husband is English and I am English South African but left Cape Town in 1998 to live in England where I met hubby. I smile when people comment on my English sometimes because I say phrases that are long out of fashion - still wear a Jersey and Cardigan! I intend to show him we can have a good time over there. I feel that England would be better for us, apart from the fact that I love it, but because I am only 12 hours away from CT and my husband also wants to spend the winters in Ct when retired, that we are in agreement with plus so many of my friends and family will visit us in England but not in Canada! He has grandchildren in England but I have never met them personally. A new grandchild has just arrived and I am hoping he falls in love with her and the rest of the children and wants to go back. A lot depends on how his daughters' treat him and I because they have never forgiven him moving to Canada! o this trip will be a Recce for us.

sallysimmons

Yup problems here too. If I get an email saying there have been posts and click on the link, the page can't be displayed. It's only happening on this site.

What a fab week it's been this week. Saw my mum and brother, my husbands' parents, had dinner with my oldest friends, went out to see a ruined abbey on Saturday, had a few nice evenings having dinner down the pub, and went shopping in Leeds today. (The drive from here into the city was so beautiful! Rolling green hills, stone walls, sheep and lambs in the fields, blossom everywhere. Lovely!) Tomorrow some other friends are coming over in the evening and we have more visitors later in the week.

One thing I'm noticing is how much we walk here. First, it's ridiculously pretty where we are right now, so I go out twice a day for a stroll. Second, shopping trips don't involve driving from store to store, but involve driving into town, parking and then walking round the centre. I'm eating guilty food right now, but not gaining weight. I can only think it's because we're walking more.

I know I keep babbling on, but I want to be sure and share my enjoyment because I know how discouraging it can be to read posts from people who aren't settling well, or who leave after returning. I hope my story proves that sometimes things really are better back home.

Welcome to all the newcomers. Keep sharing - I wouldn't have made it home without all the kind words of encouragement and advice I received here.

feelbritish

Thank you John for your insight and your story. Yes my husband is happy here at the moment because he has everything he wants. His job is full time, he can fish from our beach and has a lovely home. I must also take him into consideration because he will do what I want eventually to make me happy. His life revolves more around me than mates which I am grateful for. I am also adjusting to his working full time, he used to be only 3 days week. He by the way also moans a lot, criticizes how the country is run etc and as a woman, I pick that up as being dissatisfied, but you know what I think he would moan in England too! God knows how he would complain in South Africa! lol Lucky for me he is open to spending time in Cape Town because the weather is wonderful and he loves the heat, my family & friends and the cheap wine. As I write, I realise that we are lucky really that we have options and so many people do not, so I must count my blessings rather than see the negatives.

Fish and Chips, I wrote a long thing yesterday and it also "puffed" off into cyberspace!

Thank you all for your welcome!

Fish n Chips 56

Hi Dunroving, long time no see...

I usually copy and paste but this time I didn't Huuuuhhh thats life... Ive rewrote a shorter reply but still it wont post, maybe this will and maybe not...

Fish n Chips 56

Welcome, Try to show your husband things he would like in the UK, but don't be too pushy, he will figure it out, its your holidays too so enjoy yourself...

Its hard commenting sometimes as we know very little about you, even then we all see these problems through our own eyes, truth is we all have different circumstances, family no family etc, some are really desperate to go back to the UK while others are wanting to leave their respective countries as they haven't settled, others just want to be close to family...

You need to have vision, and by that I mean your husband does, consider all possibilities of what the future holds good and especially bad in both countries, you and he may be OK today but nothing is forever, peoples circumstances can totally change in an instant, what happens if you he or both are very sick in your old age and maybe put in a care home, also consider what happens when one of you passes, the other might be left with loneliness and no family to help, some people cant travel when older and well I hate to be so glum but this happens to real people all the time, once you are stuck you are stuck... You've probably already had these thoughts...

I paint a nasty picture cos I think we all need to look at all possibilities while hoping for the best...

The fact that your husband wont discuss it would frustrate me to no end, we all need to have an open mind, it was certainly open when you went to Canada...

I wish you well and hope you can get him to see things your way...

Just read a follow up post by you, at least you have options, and he usually comes around, that is a great position to be in...

If he wants heat, I hate to say it but the UK might be the last place, still you can always visit Spain and other warm places as many people do...

Enjoy the UK like I do Every time...
Fish...

feelbritish

[QUOTE=Fish n Chips 56;10044782]Welcome, Try to show your husband things he would like in the UK, but don't be too pushy, he will figure it out, its your holidays too so enjoy yourself...

You need to have vision, and by that I mean your husband does, consider all possibilities of what the future holds good and especially bad in both countries, you and he may be OK today but nothing is forever, peoples circumstances can totally change in an instant, what happens if you he or both are very sick in your old age and maybe put in a care home, also consider what happens when one of you passes, the other might be left with loneliness and no family to help, some people cant travel when older and well I hate to be so glum but this happens to real people all the time, once you are stuck you are stuck... You've probably already had these thoughts...

I paint a nasty picture cos I think we all need to look at all possibilities while hoping for the best..."end quote

Thank you for those thoughts. Yes we have discussed that possibility that something may happen to one of us. For me, I cannot afford to stay in Canada and live a comfortable life and travel back to see family and I would probably have to go back to UK or SA but he told me he would probably stay in Canada if something happened to me. He says that but I believe after a couple of years if he has not met someone else, we joke that he would be re-married in 6 months, I believe he would return to UK.
Yes you are right, I will not go on about retiring to UK while we are visiting. I am just going to let the holiday take its due course. What will be will be! We are both excited to be going, oh for BBC TV, English bacon, cheese, pies and fish and chips, good curries, supermarkets and the wonderful beer!

bandrui

I just went to post a reply an got an error message so am trying again.

Just wanted to say that I have been having these same problems the last couple of days.

Hi Dunroving... where've ya bin?

jasper123

[QUOTE=sallysimmons

One thing I'm noticing is how much we walk here. First, it's ridiculously pretty where we are right now, so I go out twice a day for a stroll. Second, shopping trips don't involve driving from store to store, but involve driving into town, parking and then walking round the centre. I'm eating guilty food right now, but not gaining weight. I can only think it's because we're walking more.

I know I keep babbling on, but I want to be sure and share my enjoyment because I know how discouraging it can be to read posts from people who aren't settling well, or who leave after returning. I hope my story proves that sometimes things really are better back home.



Welcome to all the newcomers. Keep sharing - I wouldn't have made it home without all the kind words of encouragement and advice I received here.[/QUOTE]

Sally,
Yep Im having problems too with this thread but it does right itself for me, but just like you Fish I have lost a few of my longer posts that when I hit send have just vanished into cybo oblivion, just last week I lost a long one oh boy did that ever Piss me off,
The same as you Sally with the walking, I do a lot of it, not loosing any weight though but I do pig out sometimes on certain chocolate treats that sometimes I feel I cant resist, oh Im sooooo weak
Everyone knows how happy I am being home, it was the best decision of my life deciding to retire in England,
And me too, I know I would not have made it home if it were not for all the people on this thread, it took a long time for me to come to my decision, and I didn't know if I really wanted to take the huge leap back to the unknown, from the U.S. a place that has been my home for way over half my life, I had so many doubts, and I only had myself to consider ---- no spouse or kids, but by reading all the stories of other people who were going through the same as I was, and how they were handling it, and everyone just giving me so much Love and encouragement, and then after I made up my mind it helped other people come to there decision,

A great big welcome to all the newbies, its just fantastic to hear from you all, but we still need a lot of you other (readers only) to come out of there closets, theres nothing to be shy about,
You read our posts ------ now we want to read yours
Nobody is expected to always have to contribute anything,
just think if you were in this big room somewhere full of a bunch of strangers and everyone is talking to each other, and you feel good, and a few people are talking about something that you can relate to, and you learn more if you join in, you certainly feel better dont you if you do,

I cant just walk into anywhere whether it be a club or a pub or a room on my own if I dont know anyone there, Im far too shy for that, but on here I feel so at home with all my friends, always!!!!
Sometimes I dont feel like talking, and have nothing to say but need cheering up cause Im down, well guess what ----- there has always been someone who has said something to make me feel better,
I love this thread and EVERYONE ON IT, but if we dont get new blood into it Im afraid it will die, If that happened a lot of people on here would be very very sad, especially me,
So how about it, are you 50 or over or getting close to that age group? whats (YOUR) dream? everyone has a dream, tell us your story, we are all such good listeners, and you will be surprised how many people feel just like you and thats how we help each other
Rodney.

jasper123

Charleygirl,
I read your post and I cant help really feeling for you, I feel your sadness in missing your kids, it must be so hard for you, a lot of people on here when they go home feel torn between the two countries, but with you I can see you are really torn between so badly, I wish there was something I could do to make your life a little easier,
And you dont seem to be looking forward to the day nursery Job, just remember if you dont like it something else will in time turn up, at least its full time and hopefully will pay enough for you to pay the rent and bills for now,
Looking forward to meeting you in London on the reunion, ----- any Idea when it will be, it will have to be before the olympics wont it.
Take care,
Rodney.