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Old Nov 2nd 2016, 11:31 am   #31
Editha Female
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Default Re: I'm a Brit, get me out of here!

For my first four years in Canada I was battling misery. Urban Canadians do not live up to their reputation for friendliness or politeness and it was hard work trying to make friends. I did some voluntary work, and went to a gym, but I still felt very isolated and homesick.

But over the next four years things did improve for me. I joined a writer's group which was very stimulating, and I also went to keep fit classes for the over-55s. By the time I left Canada I had a group of friends that I still keep in touch with.

I wonder whether your alienation is partly to do with being a stay-at-home parent, and you would benefit from getting out more. I realise that 'join a club or society' is rather trite advice, but would probably apply even if you were back in the UK.

You haven't mentioned your children. How would they adapt to moving to the UK?
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Old Nov 2nd 2016, 12:58 pm   #32
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Default Re: I'm a Brit, get me out of here!

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For my first four years in Canada I was battling misery. Urban Canadians do not live up to their reputation for friendliness or politeness and it was hard work trying to make friends. I did some voluntary work, and went to a gym, but I still felt very isolated and homesick.

But over the next four years things did improve for me. I joined a writer's group which was very stimulating, and I also went to keep fit classes for the over-55s. By the time I left Canada I had a group of friends that I still keep in touch with.

I wonder whether your alienation is partly to do with being a stay-at-home parent, and you would benefit from getting out more. I realise that 'join a club or society' is rather trite advice, but would probably apply even if you were back in the UK.

You haven't mentioned your children. How would they adapt to moving to the UK?
I have a very active 3 (almost4)-year old and am involved in several groups during the week. However, therein lies one source of my problem ... I have to spend time with the mothers, which grinds on my nerves to the extent that I have to severely bite my tongue when listening to their mindless drivel about parenting/the next great thing to buy/which shade of grey they're all going to paint their living rooms. It's highlighted to me how disconnected Canadians are generationally to each other, where the wisdom of parenting through the generations hasn't even been passed on and young mothers feel that they need to parent according to the latest article in a magazine. Fed up with the rampant materialism, armchair activism and poking noses into other people's business and belief systems ... walking on friggin' eggshells!
Having a chronic illness which has been in flare for the past 2 and a half years has reduced my energy levels to the point where I have no tolerance of Canadian BS and am fed up expending my precious energy trying to navigate the useless healthcare offerings.
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Old Nov 2nd 2016, 1:00 pm   #33
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Default Re: I'm a Brit, get me out of here!

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Originally Posted by BEVS View Post
I feel a bit that way about NZ sometimes. It is just so far away from anywhere and anything. Like I suddenly became a bystander.



Nopes. No.No.No. Nopes.
Rubbish to feel that way inside of yourself. I hope you and your OH can agree on some sort of exit plan from where you now are.

and yes...

...come on here to vent anytime. It's a part of what BE is for. Care and support.

Have a hug.
Thanks BEVS, much appreciated. I generally manage my feelings about this place quite well for the most part, but the past few days have been tough and need to vent, otherwise my husband would be copping it.
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Old Nov 2nd 2016, 1:09 pm   #34
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Default Re: I'm a Brit, get me out of here!

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Hello, TrishP, I am so sorry that you are going through so much pain. I tried to make it work in Canada for 23 years, and failed. But my problem was missing the UK and everything about the place. We went there with the attitude of "when in Canada (Rome) do as they do", and we did have friends and did fit in well. I have some experience of Ottawa and know that the City is somewhat "sterile" i.e. cold and unfriendly, mainly because it is frequented by Government types. We learned that Canadians do like to think of themselves as being the "friendliest people in the World, eh", but that seems to be a national myth. I don't wish to patronize you in any way, because I had so much pain living there, for many reasons, not just to do with the country or its people; but, assuming that you have (deep down in your heart) really tried to reach out and make friends, and you really do hate being there, then the only answer is to get back here. Do not make yourself ill, and do not get to a place where you are so sick that you cannot get back (as I nearly did). Get on a plane and come back, if only for a short stay, and see if your dreams and thoughts about the UK do jive with the place. And if your feelings persist, there is only one thing to do; return for good. You only have one life. But do not make it into a $100,000 cure, where you bounce back and forth across the ocean because you have one foot in each country. It did not happen to me, because I got better almost as soon as I returned to England. And my health (emotionally and physically) has improved so much being in Devon. I am part of the very earth, and it will always be so. Good luck, thinking of you, and ignore any unfriendly/silly comments that you may get. This is very personal and you will work it out.
Thanks Barnstaple. I feel as though I'm caught between a rock and a hard place at the moment and it's just really tough. I had my son back in 2013 and as I watch him grow up, I realise that I don't want him to grow up here, don't want him to be subjected to the dumbed down education system in Ontario, don't want him to grow up being influenced by some of the values that are prevalent in Canadian society today.

I dream of being able to get back out hiking in the Highlands, back on my bike on safer roads, pub lunches, to be living among people who appreciate sarcasm and have a good sense of humour, to live in a place that has a sense of culture rather than just a morass of humanity.
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Old Nov 2nd 2016, 1:34 pm   #35
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Default Re: I'm a Brit, get me out of here!

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The Brexit vote didn't cause the British to think like that...
I didn't suggest it did.

The result gave some people the excuse to act on their already 'think like that' ideas.
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Old Nov 2nd 2016, 2:06 pm   #36
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Default Re: I'm a Brit, get me out of here!

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.... I have to spend time with the mothers, which grinds on my nerves to the extent that I have to severely bite my tongue when listening to their mindless drivel about parenting/the next great thing to buy/which shade of grey they're all going to paint their living rooms.
Stepford Wives?
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Old Nov 2nd 2016, 2:23 pm   #37
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Default Re: I'm a Brit, get me out of here!

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Stepford Wives?
No, just Ottawa mentality. They're constantly checking house prices, even though there's no intention to buy or sell, talking about their latest shopping adventure and what they bought or what they plan to buy and "healthy eating" (even though they're quite happy to shovel Goldfish crackers and muffins into their kids when we get together), which activities they've signed their babies up for (oh, my little Johnny just loves music, I think he's going to be a musician when he grows up ... oh ffs!) ... and if I have to listen once more to where their kids are on percentile scales, I swear I'll go nuts! It's all so bloody shallow, there's no real community and everyone disappears for the hills when there's any hint of someone ending any sort of assistance. I've tried to 'fit in', but am fed up with the backhand comments, sharp intakes of breath and general put-downs and cold shouldering. I only go to these groups now for my son's sake.
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Old Nov 2nd 2016, 2:28 pm   #38
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Default Re: I'm a Brit, get me out of here!

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No, just Ottawa mentality. They're constantly checking house prices, even though there's no intention to buy or sell, talking about their latest shopping adventure and what they bought or what they plan to buy and "healthy eating" (even though they're quite happy to shovel Goldfish crackers and muffins into their kids when we get together), which activities they've signed their babies up for (oh, my little Johnny just loves music, I think he's going to be a musician when he grows up ... ....
Sounds just like London and the SE to me. Residents of one big city behave much like the residence of all the others.
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Old Nov 2nd 2016, 2:33 pm   #39
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Default Re: I'm a Brit, get me out of here!

How about a different part of Canada? Is that worth trying first?
I feel for you. You sound very low and just a little annoyed by everything and everyone.
Be cautious of that as feeling that way can have a habit of making everything seem worse than it may be. I am not telling you how to feel but being aware of the truth of "perception is reality" could assist here, especially if you are about to potentially hit financial hardship whilst dragging a reulctant spouse with you. I cant see how that wont be just switching one type of misery for another.


I had my babies in the UK and what you descibed is exactly what I encountered there. I think you need to find your own happiness in your own bubble with people you do get on with and ignore the rest. And you can find that in Canada. I too have to block some people out of my life and concentrate on others. Its the same in both countries to me.


Best of luck
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Old Nov 2nd 2016, 2:33 pm   #40
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Default Re: I'm a Brit, get me out of here!

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Sounds just like London and the SE to me. Residents of one big city behave much like the residence of all the others.
Thankfully, my one saving grace here is that I don't live in the burbs, but rurally, so I don't have to put up with it unless I tootle into the city. I'm a small community type of person, but unfortunately, hubby's job keeps us stuck here.
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Old Nov 2nd 2016, 2:58 pm   #41
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Default Re: I'm a Brit, get me out of here!

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How about a different part of Canada? Is that worth trying first?
I feel for you. You sound very low and just a little annoyed by everything and everyone.
Be cautious of that as feeling that way can have a habit of making everything seem worse than it may be. I am not telling you how to feel but being aware of the truth of "perception is reality" could assist here, especially if you are about to potentially hit financial hardship whilst dragging a reulctant spouse with you. I cant see how that wont be just switching one type of misery for another.


I had my babies in the UK and what you descibed is exactly what I encountered there. I think you need to find your own happiness in your own bubble with people you do get on with and ignore the rest. And you can find that in Canada. I too have to block some people out of my life and concentrate on others. Its the same in both countries to me.


Best of luck
I hear what you're saying, but this feeling has been going on for so long now (at least 2 years) and is getting worse, that I know I need to move away from here for the sake of my mental health and for the family, as it's obviously having a knock-on effect. I feel like a fish out of water and the feeling is growing, the loneliness bites. The financial hardship will ensue if we stay here! Hubby is willing to go, but is a typical Canadian who ended up in his job for the pension and benefits and not really for any sort of love of the job, quite happy to fritter away his life doing something tediously boring for a pension at the end of it. He has a hard time seeing outside of that box, surprisingly as he is a creative type, but is just happy to plod along in a comfortable existence doing what Canadians do. He's been with me to Ireland and absolute loved it, the people and the general vibrancy compared with here (not talking about holiday mindset here), so I know he would enjoy life there. He's also quite techy and moans frequently about how far behind Canada is. He just needs a push to make the move out of his lazy comfort zone. The only issue that would make me hesitant about where we go would be the possibility of racism, as he's from a visible ethnic minority.
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Old Nov 2nd 2016, 3:06 pm   #42
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Default Re: I'm a Brit, get me out of here!

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I hear what you're saying, but this feeling has been going on for so long now (at least 2 years) and is getting worse, that I know I need to move away from here for the sake of my mental health and for the family, as it's obviously having a knock-on effect. I feel like a fish out of water and the feeling is growing, the loneliness bites. The financial hardship will ensue if we stay here! Hubby is willing to go, but is a typical Canadian who ended up in his job for the pension and benefits and not really for any sort of love of the job, quite happy to fritter away his life doing something tediously boring for a pension at the end of it. He has a hard time seeing outside of that box, surprisingly as he is a creative type, but is just happy to plod along in a comfortable existence doing what Canadians do. He's been with me to Ireland and absolute loved it, the people and the general vibrancy compared with here (not talking about holiday mindset here), so I know he would enjoy life there. He's also quite techy and moans frequently about how far behind Canada is. He just needs a push to make the move out of his lazy comfort zone. The only issue that would make me hesitant about where we go would be the possibility of racism, as he's from a visible ethnic minority.
Have you chatted with Lorry1?, she faced a similiar situation with very similar feelings. I am sure she could provide some good support. I will message her as shes a friend of mine
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Old Nov 2nd 2016, 3:16 pm   #43
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I'm trying to understand what you mean by paying for a visa. How much do you think it is going to cost you? Your husband doesn't actually need a visa to visit the UK.
Don't most visas need to be paid for? I have lived in a couple of other countries now and visas have not been free. Not sure where you are coming from to be honest.
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Old Nov 2nd 2016, 3:20 pm   #44
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Default Re: I'm a Brit, get me out of here!

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The only issue that would make me hesitant about where we go would be the possibility of racism, as he's from a visible ethnic minority.


More going on here than back in the Ireland forum:-). After your posts back in the Ireland forum I understand that you're very worried about racism but how was your experience when you were over here?


Rather than just trying to see the negative and focus on articles, try and see how many positives you had personally. Be it UK/Ireland I really wouldn't be more worried than anywhere else.
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Old Nov 3rd 2016, 1:07 am   #45
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Default Re: I'm a Brit, get me out of here!

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More going on here than back in the Ireland forum:-). After your posts back in the Ireland forum I understand that you're very worried about racism but how was your experience when you were over here?


Rather than just trying to see the negative and focus on articles, try and see how many positives you had personally. Be it UK/Ireland I really wouldn't be more worried than anywhere else.
The fact that I was born and raised in Northern Ireland is why I'm worried about racism! Growing up, Ireland (Northern Ireland in particular) wasn't exactly a hotbed of multiculturalism, so those of different ethnicity stood out like sore thumbs and it wasn't unusual to hear terms such as "Paki" and "Chinky". My husband is Filipino Canadian and was well warned that he would possibly be referred to as a "Chinky" when were over on holiday a few years back. He's pretty laid back about it (or says he is, he's a man of few words but the feelings run deep), as he has experienced racism on and off throughout his life, so my concerns really lie in trying to make sure any move across the pond is to the right place and settlement is as simple and pleasant as possible - Lord knows, it's all complicated and stressful enough without the added complication of xenophobia from the natives.
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