feelbritish

Michali it seems that it could easily happen that I do not join any groups and also just chill with a book but I know he is going to drive me to distraction unless I get outside interests. He is like Robyn, does not have men friends as such much prefers women company. Said to me the other day they always have interesting chats so I am hoping he does get out too because I need my me time. It is early days for us here only 2 months and to be honest he has been busy doing projects around the house. I need my space. Back in Canada I never liked him working full time as I got lonely but part time was ok. It is all about balance I guess and as we are newly retired we have to find that.

michali

FB, you make some good points! My daughter remarked once how amazing it was that we got on so well being in a small place together 24/7. I have just learned not to natter away all the time and we also go out separately as well as together. There is so much one can do here though!

Victor Meldrew

We have moved back this July 2015. I have an old school friend, an uncle and a cousin living in the local area. My brother and some old friends live elsewhere in UK. This gives a good base of contact and friendship, but if we are to settle properly we need to expand this.

I think that (generalising now), by nature, English people are reserved and won't openly seek to befriend but are open to this if you make the initiative.

Someone said to me recently "you can't just say 'come for a coffee sometime', the date and time has to be set" and I think this is true.

You need to actively seek out friendships and contact rather than expecting it to come to you. We have joined local groups and volunteered for organisations and are gradually making new friends.

I can see how returning expats can quickly feel isolated and ignored, but it has to be a 2 way thing with the 'newbie' making the major effort.

feelbritish

[QUOTE=Victor Meldrew;11808615



Someone said to me recently "you can't just say 'come for a coffee sometime', the date and time has to be set"

.[/QUOTE]

I like this. In Canada people always said that you must come around for dinner or coffee or get together and it never went any further unless I pushed it. In the end I got tired of always doing the running with friends I had made for 15 years. They were happy to get together if I made the plans. I found them shallow and not genuine friends. What a difference here in UK with the few new ones we already have. When I left Canada we had a gathering of some friens to say goodbye and the ladies asked me what the main reason was for my leaving and I finally told them honestly that I had never felt so lonely in Canada. They realised that they could have been more active friends and appologised. They were completely unaware of how not following up with just words can have an effect on someone. I dont blame them now, I have kind of lost touch really except for occasionally on Facebook. I dont miss them at all. My life may have been very different and happy if I had to have had that deep friendship which I have here with my English friends who never abandoned me even for those 15 years I was away. Coming back they are all still wonderful friends and we live miles apart still but make an effort to see each other.

Editha

I think that is a Canadian thing. I particularly noticed it in young people.

Every so often we'd be asked to meet a young adult starting uni in Edmonton, or maybe postgrad studies, who was either one of OH's huge extended family, or the offspring of a friend of one of one of his relatives. We'd usually invite them for a meal, me feeling somewhat bemused since it definitely isn't a British custom to dig up an acquaintance of your own generation to befriend your offspring.

At the end of the meal our guest would invariably say we must meet again, and maybe even suggest a restaurant meal or 'Sunday lunch' etc. Needless to say we never heard from them again, which was a relief, since if you are in your twenties, hanging out with people old enough to be your parents is weird.

fulwood

I've found likewise in the US..

Helen1964

I'll second that. In our experience, "We must have lunch" in the US seems to be code for "Bugger off".

fulwood

After 31 years in US I do not have any 'close' friends. I still consider my friend Maggie who lives in UK as my closest and dearest friend.

vikingsail

I agree. Now when I here this phrase I automatically tune out as the person has already set the tone of the relationship for me

Helen1964

I'm sorry to hear that. It sounds very lonely.
Hand on heart, have you actively sought out friends? The one period in my life when I made no friends locally was when I was living in Stamford, Lincs. At the time, I blamed it on the locals but with the gift of hindsight, I realise I didn't try hard enough.
My circumstances are very different now. I have a great circle of friends here in France, most of them acquired through work, directly or indirectly.
While the majority of them are proactive about meeting up for lunch, coffee, movies, etc. there are a couple who never take the initiative and it drives me nuts. I rant and rave for a bit (while DH, who loathes humanity and really only likes animals these days, rolls his eyes) and swear blind I'm NEVER going to bother contacting them again, but then, invariably, I realise I enjoy their company too much to cut them out of my life and I relent.
At the end of the day, all of my friends have some little quirk or other that irritates me but if I were to drop everybody who annoyed me, I would have nobody left. And besides, presumably I too have my quirks so God knows what my friends say about me.....

scot47

I would not say that I have made any close friends since I retired here in 2911. I know lots of people, but in a fairly superficial way. I am still close to a couple of people that were students at the same time as me, and I am in touch with some who were colleagues in the Middle East.
So it goes.

Helen1964

It seems some people need friends more than others. I do, for example, but my husband certainly does not. Maybe it's a male/female thing.
I do worry slightly about him being lonely if anything ever happened to me but maybe I'm flattering myself. He'd probably just get a dog.

Victor Meldrew

Interestingly enough the BBC has broadcast a number of programmes recently focusing on the concept of 'loneliness'. One programme (up my street?) is on early morning about 9.00 am and involves a celebrity interacting with various people in a neighbourhood to talk about their experiences of loneliness.

It is eye opening and rings lots of proverbial bells. There are young/old, single/married, able bodied/disabled, employed/unemployed and many experiencing loneliness for various reasons.

The key thing which comes across is that many people in the community want human contact, but it is not always easy to achieve. It has to be a proactive, continuous process with effort put in from all parties.

Communities have changed a lot since the 60's where people not only knew their neighbours but interacted with them regularly and looked out for each other. Families are also a lot more transient resulting in elderly people left at home with grown up children living in different places in UK and abroad.

Regarding getting a dog - that is a good move as they always seem to invoke contact from people when you are walking them - it's a bit like when you walk children in a pram!