Hastonian1980

As I've mentioned in previous posts, I left Hastings, England in September 2001 to marry my wife who was born and raised in Grand Rapids, MI. She is a fantastic woman and my love and admiration for her as a wife and mother continue to grow, she is the love of my life. Since then we have had two children and our life is genuinely fantastic, I would not change anything. I have a good job, am well respected in my area, family has good health and are able to travel extensively. However, upon reflection, there were a few things that as a 21 year old leaving Britain, I did not consider. One of those is how much I would yearn for my homeland! There I said it. As uncomfortable as it is to say, it is a feeling that has intensified over the years, not abated as some might think. My wife is aware of my feelings and can sympathize, but only to some degree, since she has never been in my shoes. With this feeling comes guilt, guilt that I want to be somewhere else when everything, literally everything I could possibly want is here in front of me. With that said, we still do the obligatory trip home every other year and I thrive on that. I have very little left in England, a very small family and so not much in the way of ties. One of the main reasons we stay here in GR is to care for my wife's aged parents and so I'm careful to not foster any resentment towards them, it was my choice to move after all. But with time comes reflection. Nostalgia tends to become a bit emotional for me and so I try to separate this from the facts, but it remains the same, I would rather be in the UK. The reasons are many and varied. Familiarity, probably the most obvious. I also long for the feeling of belonging, sense of community, ability to travel to familiar places, etc. But in a sense, these are just feelings. Nothing tangible. So what is this feeling called is it homesickness? I've read that Swiss mercenaries were banned from singing songs from their homeland so as not to evoke memories and thereby render them useless (perhaps I should stop reading these message boards). But this feeling must be more than a wistful reminiscing of your homeland and/or past memories be it at the behest of sight, sounds or smells? Although I have not openly shared these thoughts, people I have mentioned it to tend to believe that time will heal what ails me or that I should just feel fortunate that I live in the states? If anything, time has exacerbated my feelings and the country I live in now is irrelevant. So again, I ask, what is homesickness?

SanDiegogirl

Homesickness: is the distress or impairment caused by an actual or anticipated separation from home. Its cognitive hallmark is preoccupying thoughts of home and attachment objects.

...... or maybe the fascination and excitement of living in the States has just worn off.

Sally Redux

There is a pendulum set up at Griffith Park Observatory which, in some way I can't remember the details of, demonstrates how our perceptions are tied to the revolution of the Earth, and that we would be severely disorientated on another planet. I think something along those lines is involved in separation from our home country.

robin1234

I felt this as described by the OP. My home, my wife, my daughter are in the United States. When I decided to get a pied a terre in the UK, I deliberately chose a place I'd never lived, in fact virtually never even visited, Norfolk. So I have no family in Norfolk, no childhood memories etc. But I feel comfortable and at home in my new flat in Norfolk while I still feel bored and deracinated in my home of eighteen years in New York State.

Hastonian1980

I discern that many people experience this feeling to some extent in different ways, and perhaps it manifests itself according to the type of person we are, our sentimentality or general disposition or maybe even where we are (I have traveled extensively before and after my move to Michigan without much trouble). I could understand my own situation much better if life were dire, but on the contrary it is quite splendid! What puzzles me too is that even in this age of instant communication, export/import of food, familiar TV programs and need I say 'the internet', I wonder how one could long for something? I've been told not to make comparisons, but in my mind, very subtlety I still do. Here is a example, when first looking at street-view, in the US, the pictures appeared pix-elated, fuzzy, hard to make out. A few years later when the UK came on line, the pictures were sharp, definitive and clear. In my mind I made the instant, irrational conclusion that this was indicative of the difference between the two countries. Can you say over-analyze? But that is the inner workings of a home sick mind. Or at least mine.

CalgaryPete

I think it's imprinting. Like ducklings imprinting on their mothers. In my case, I felt very attached to the Lake District. I think this attachment formed as that area was where I first felt a sense of freedom and independence, hiking there as a young man.

It was one of the main reasons I moved back to England. It is still a very nice place, but I have been surprised that it doesn't seem as important to me now as I assumed it would be before moving back. The Lake District hasn't changed, so it must be me that has changed, in the 14 years I was away in Canada.

So what is homesickness? Dangerous! You have a family and life where you are. That is a precious thing and real. Memories can be selective and unreliable. Even if you don't act on them, they can distract you from the people that really matter.

Tr1boy

Expensive.

WEBlue

I do agree. I think homesickness is (or at least starts out as) culture shock... a broad category that includes a myriad of tiny shocks like time differences, weather differences, differences in the new surroundings & the new people's mannerisms, language, customs, etc....

Some people get over homesickness and acclimate just fine, some never do. Some say it comes & goes, depending on many factors. I do believe it can make some people ill--and I have experienced that to some degree. So I think it's got to be taken seriously.

Hastonian, is your wife at all interested in someday moving to the UK? (Many people who marry Brits are Anglophiles to some extent.) My feeling is she can't empathize--as opposed to sympathise, which she can do--because she's never tried doing what you've done, moving to away from her home country.

Would she ever agree to "trying out" life in the UK once her family commitments are finished? If so, can you wait that long?

trottytrue

Homesickness is something that will not go away it might get pushed to the back of your memory for a while but it comes right back. it like a virus that wont go away. Some people the lucky ones manage to fight it off and get on with life never looking back content with their new life but many dont they make the best of it but are never really settled. Its so many things its not quite feeling the same as everyone else, its language, food, History, family its a feeling deep inside of you that just ties a knot in your stomach and an ache in your heart.

trottytrue

I forgot the last one Regret.

Sally Redux

The killer.

Perhaps that one isn't so bad for those who've come by marriage.

Hastonian1980

WEblue, she is not adverse to moving and has nothing against the UK in particular. She has spent a lot of time over there and remarks to me that it feels like 'second home'. The only thing that stops us from going is our family commitment as aforementioned. I do think we will move at some point, but in the meantime I wrestle with this inner angst! It all sounds bizarre when I read it back to myself.

Hastonian1980

Calarypete, sir, you have probably just given me the best verbal slap around the face that I have ever heard in regards to this topic! What you said has single-handedly reassured me that I have all I could wish for right here, whether GR, UK or anywhere else. My family IS real and precious and yes, my memories are unreliable and selective. Thank you for your broad perspective that has made a profound effect on my way of thinking now. I'm not usually one to subscribe to thearpy, but this may have done the trick! I dont know you or anything about your circumstances, but what you said really resonated with me and will stick with me for a long time to come. Again, thank you sir!

BEVS

A thought provoking post CalgaryPete.

I have been away for eleven years and not been back in the past six. That is not through choice. It is financial.

Homesickness is something I live with. It will catch me out first thing of a morning when I wake to where I am now. I have to shake that feeling off and stretch my eyes outward and forward for the new day.

It's no longer about family as there is none now . It is my feeling of belonging . My sense of who I am , where I am.

Perhaps I would also find myself changed if I returned and that which I thought was a deep part of me , is no longer. I wonder if that would leave me bereft or at peace.

My only way to somehow find that out is to consider an extended stay some time down the track .

CAdreaming

Amen sister!