Barbarella

Hi Everyone, I've not been here in a while. Hope nobody missed me! ;-)

Thought you'd like a bit of an update on my situation. OH has managed to pull himself up a little, but there's still no job in Aus for him

However last week his old company emailed him out of the blue and offered him a 6 month project He's going to take it, which is good for him. My desire to move back to the UK has not altered, so I've encouraged him to take up the offer, although, at the moment I'm staying here whilst he travels home. (no dates as yet) He says that he's not ready to give up on Australia yet. I have had my fill, but I'm trying to be diplomatic, and I'm not saying much at all Although inside I'm screaming...
My overwhelming desire is to contact the shippers, give notice on the rental and book my flights home.... but I won't do that. The consequences of such rash actions are not desirable, as you can well imagine!

The problem seems to grow arms and legs as time goes on though and our lad has started his apprenticeship and really loves it. He's only 17, but he's adamant that he won't be going anywhere until it's finished.

My contract is up in 6 or so weeks time and I've nothing in the pipeline, and very little motivation to find anything else. (not that it's easy in these economic times!)

In my perfect world I'd find surrogate parents for my son and give him 6 months before he would want to come back, but, well, where do you find such people willing to care for a teen with just the right balance of guidance, support and discipline??? Nature certainly knew what she was doing by gaining such commitment from parents before they get to this challenging stage!!!
If you have a solution to this problem, or any thoughts on handling this situation, I'd be very pleased to read them.

ozhappy981

If he is 17, then in the eyes of the law he is entitled to live on his own. You cannot legally force him to move with you. Why would you in any case force your decision on to him if he is happy where he is and with what he is doing? How long were you planning in having him live with you rather than his own life - till he is 18? 20? 25???

cricket1again

Kids are not adults when they reach 17. They need just as much support and guidance as when they were 14. Financially mostly, not necessarily emotionally so you do have a little bit of slack.

Is it possible that your son could transfer his apprenticeship back to the UK? If not, could you afford to finance him renting a shared house while he does his training? Tell him he'll have to help by getting a part time job.

I would present all the fairest options to cover the 17 year old financially if you can support him this way, but I wouldn't stay put in Oz if you don't like it just because husband says so and son also won't compromise. You have a life to live too.

JAJ

In fairness to your son, you've brought him to the other side of the world and he has settled well.

You now owe it to him to give him the support to allow him to fully settle in Australia ... that might be another 6 or 12 months etc. He's on the verge of adulthood so it won't be much longer, but give him that little extra time to allow him to settle and then if you still want to go back, you can then do so knowing he should be ok on his own.

Barbarella

Hi Ozzy,

Yes he is 17. I hope I didn't give the impression of my forcing him to move. It certainly isn't my intention. We also have an older son who is still in the UK and struggling without parents around, even though there is plenty of extended family nearby. So my expectation is that he won't want to stay without us.
(although I hope that if he chooses to stay he remains happy, if that's the right thing for him)
In Australia, that sort of family isn't there, so leaving him will mean he is truly alone in that respect. Being a teen isn't easy, and being a parent of a teen is a delicate balancing act to provide guidance and support in the right amounts and that's different for every individual. If you have teens you will know exactly what I'm saying. I hope that has clarified the situation as it stands.
Barb

Barbarella

Indeed, that is what I see myself doing. It doesn't stop me moaning about though!
Although I would never moan at him. I'm pleased and proud to have a son who is able to make a move to the other side of the world with a smile on his face and work hard at making a new life for himself.

Barbarella

Seeing everything written down really helps to chrystalize the situation and see it how it really is...

Providing I can get another contract, I can do another 6 months to ensure that I do the right thing for my lad. His apprenticeship pays good money compared to anything in the UK, and the government will pay rent assistance to apprentices who live away from home (I will, of course support him financially if he needs it)

Despite my desire to get back home and start my course, I'm the adult here, so I'm sure I can wait a little.... (Patience being a virtue and practice being the best way to acquire it,and all that!)

cricket1again

I think that seems to be the best way forward. It depends how mature and capable your son is. Sometimes, being thrown in at the deep end but with the safety net of the phone, email and finances, it can be the best way to help your children get their independence. But 17 is young still and he's in a foreign country so your plan sounds a good one.
Emigrating unfortunately does fracture the family unit, often irretrievably. You have to work hard at being the glue that holds everyone together.
Maybe that's a good way to look at it for now. Just see yourself as the glue bonding the situation together for now but also aim to have a plan for yourself further down the track.

cricket1again

Just to add, my son is 25 and lives here in Oz. He still asks me for guidance which in reality, is nice but shows how often out of his depth he gets. Not to belittle him, he has done well after a rough start here. He came when he was 19, hated it, went into depression for 6 months and I was totally guilt ridden. Today, he's a qualified high flying real estate agent, engaged to be married and building his home 4 bedroomed home on the Gold Coast. He plans to rent it out, then go back to the UK in 2 years time.
He has done really well.

My daughter is in the UK, she's OK too but often resents that I wasn't there for her. I am going home in a few weeks permanently. I really don't like Australia and never wanted to come here but I've had to stay for 51/2 years. I can imagine how torn you must be feeling when you can't be in all places.

ozhappy981

That reads so much nicer than what you wrote before . I am glad that you can do another 6 months to help your boy on his way here in Australia. Why not find out how the other apprentices live. Maybe your boy can do a house share? Or be a paying house-guest with another apprentice's family?