I am I said

Inspired by Fancophile’s thread, I thought I would offer thedefinitive guide to insights from the other direction. I was raised in Canada, and moved to England in1989 as an exchange student and then for good in 1991. Well, I actually moved here just for 5 years… but I am still here.So, in no particular order, but note that some of thesepoints are from the [south east] Britain of >20 years ago.1 Britswill make quasi-aggressive comments [such as “you should not be cycling on thepavement” [I wasn’t]] but are much more passive when one stops to engage and try to continue the conversation. Notable exceptions are the male Brits with shaved heads wearing shellsuits, like the one I discovered urinating against the side of my flat onenight. He was quite willing to have a ‘discussion’.2 Brits considerthe worst insult in the world to be called ‘boring’. Most would rather be known for unnatural relationships with animals than be considered boring. Being witty is an essential social skill.3 Britishmen appear to take every opportunity to dress up as a woman. 4 Afterexperiencing a packed peak time commuter train in London, I realised that the Blitz was likely a welcome diversion. Iloved the Tube when I first arrived, the ability to travel all around thecapital without traffic or weather. Butas a student, I didn’t need to use it at peak time. Now I would rather crawl over broken glass tomy destination than use the Tube to get to work. 5 I have learned to really enjoy the sense of humour, although it did take a while… A patient girlfriend had to explain to me whythe guy I assumed was my friend kept insulting me. My friends back home in Canada feel my senseof humour has been broken as I now find things very funny that they findincomprehensible. However, the humour inLast of the Summer Wine continues to elude me. 6 I didn’t realise at first that train spotting was not an expression, but an actual past time. 7 My goodness, this country is crowded. In Canada, it is not too hard to find space where you can convince yourself that you are thefirst human to ever pass that way [until you notice the piece of survey tapetied to a tree]. In England, there willbe a queue at the top of a Lakeland mountain on a rainy Tuesday in February. When I first got to England, I was convincedthat the total length of the cars in the country exceeded the total length ofthe roads. 8 Roundabouts are much better than 4-way stops, once you realise you can just keep drivingaround in circles until you figure out the necessary exit. 9 But the road signage is rubbish/non-existent. I tend to know if I want to go north, south, whatever. Instead, the motorway signs show a major cityalong the route, which is not much use if one is new to the country and doesnot know the cities. And what is with changing the name of the street several times when the street itself does not change? [since fixed by sat navs]

10 What is it about pretending to live somewhere [perceived] fancier than your actualaddress? People in Hammersmithdescribing it as Chiswick, Barnes vs East Sheen. Gerards Cross residents upset that they havea Slough postcode.

11 I was perplexed by the question ‘Are you on the phone?’ [this pre-datedmobiles]. Doesn’t everyone have a phoneat home? Oh, I guess not.

12 Why on earth are all those people spending their lunch time queuing in the rain for asandwich? [long since fixed by Pret,etc]

13 What is itwith this football violence? I have been to one England game… the one where they beat Netherlands 6-1 at Euro 96. I was flabbergasted that a sporting eventneeded so many police. An English friend in Canada was equally bemused to find that New York Yankees fans sat next to BlueJays fans.

14 The stateof the housing… my brother came for avisit, took one look around the [expensively rented] London flat and said – genuinely – ‘Ithought you said you had a job’.


15 The boozefuelled violence. On a ferry to France,a fight breaks out in the men’s loo. Every Brit in the place exits immediately [ok, you’re right, they were probably French….], leaving me and thetwo protagonists. One is clearly bestingthe other. I offer ‘I think you havewon, you can stop hitting him now’. He staresat me ‘what?!’ I said ‘he is not hittingback, I think you have beat him. Why don’tyou leave him be?’ He says ‘it’s ok, it’s me Dad’ and continuespunching him, whilst shouting about all the stuff that happened when he was achild. City centres on Saturday nightsfeature similar levels of drunken violence.

16 I was confused about having to apply for a bank account and told they would make adecision in a few days. But I am tryingto give you MY money, not take any of YOUR’s….?

17 Sport is harder to do in Britain, so those that do it are a lot better on average thanthose in Canada. In Canada, triathlonswould feature Dad struggling along, belly hanging over his trunks, kids holding upsigns saying ‘go dad go'. I come toBritain, and it seemed everyone was very good. I soon realised because it was so hard to train on overcrowded roads andpools that one had to be very committed to stay in the sport. The undoubtedly out of date quote from themid 90s was ‘there are eight 50 metre pools in the UK. There are eight 50 metre pools in Houston,Texas’. On the plus side, the small sizeof the country meant there were running, cycling and triathlon events within acouple hours drive every weekend. But Iregularly mused over how on earth this country ever produced world class athleteslike Coe, Ovett and Thompson with such wretched infrastructure?

18 Newspaper reports on criminals would mention if someone was a University grad. Speaking of which, it seemed very odd to methat going to university, including living costs, was free to the student. Thus, anyone not bright enough or connectedenough to go to uni got to pay extra taxes so that someone else could make more money than them later. Clearly, thatlittle problem has been fixed.

19 Same with Mortgage interest tax relief… if I could not afford a house, I could pay extra tax so someone else could deduct their interest payments from their tax bill [since fixed]

20 My first visit to an NHS hospital reminded me of the TV show, MASH… a giant mixed ward with beds as far as the eye could see. I suspect that is no longer the case.
21 So, the same person is the head of the church and of the government… how enlightened [Iknow, I know it is ceremonial…].

22 Just like Russia, the state owns the prime TV and radio stations. And, with the benefit of taxpayers’ money,the BBC gets to compete in a range of businesses on a commercial basis. Suggesting this is odd to the average Brit gets the same incomprehension as telling an American [Canadian] that the USA [Canada] may not be the best country in the world.

23 Rights of way like footpaths and bridleways are wonderful. The first few times a footpath went through a farm yard, I was expecting to see a shotgun waving farmer.
24 There is a much higher standard of driving in the UK, with what seems a collective obligation to keep traffic moving by cooperating – letting people in from sidestraights, or to make a right turn from a main road. And motorcycles can split lanes and cars - usually - move out of the way to let them.
25 The stoicism about the IRA bombings… the regular bomb warnings emptying out trainstations were greeted the same way one might sigh about a spot of rain with the umbrella at home. Contrast that with theapproach of the American company I worked for in the years after 9/11….
26 How can the minister responsible for education send their children to private schools and keep his/her job?
27 The false modesty... a Brit says 'oh, I have played a bit of tennis' translates to this Canadian as 'I was a Wimbledon junior semi finalist.' My [British] wife still blanches at me calling it as it is 'yes, I am better than average at x. No, I am not very good at y'.
All in all, I like it here. But I have often mulled returning to Canada. I suspect it will have to be a retirement decision [my type of work does not really exist in Canada].

I am I said

any idea how I fix the spacing/line returns?

Oink

Rather a fair and accurate assessment.

#18 has always been a wretched and difficult business.

Irri

I think the idea of free education was that it would be available to everyone, not just the rich.

Pulaski

And the armed forces.

BTW your understanding of Britain is rather superficial if you think this constitutional requirement is "ceremonial".

dbd33

Funniest post for ages. Thanks.

not2old

That will do it every time

Congratulations for surviving living in the UK for 25+ years - do you get back to Canada often?

Are you now a British citizen?

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I am I said

I am both a British citizen and a Canadian citizen, and I am back to Canada on average about once every year or two. But often I am out on the west coast, whereas I was raised in the Niagara Region.
I decided to get the British passport after spending one too many multi-hour waits to get through what I affectionately call the 'third world queue' at Heathrow....

not2old

I wish they had third world entry point lines at Toronto & Vancouver airports, that way - Canadian passport holders can get through faster

Irri

There isn't a separate queue for Canadians at Vancouver airport?

I am I said

Oh, that is quite likely... I hear they make them take a test these days, but when I got my British citizenship, the qualifying criteria was the ability to find my way to Croydon and sit on a hard plastic chair for a day.

Perhaps you would accept 'largely ceremonial'?

Francophile

What's with the sinks? Can't you guys figure out how to have one faucet through which you can control the temperature, rather than one freezing cold and the other boiling hot in separate corners?

Irri

Everything is old. By the time you've bought a house in the UK. There's no money left to do it up.

BristolUK

It's the price we pay for having a draining area instead of needlessly duplicating the sink.

not2old

Bristol, you may likely remember the older houses in the UK that had only one single cold water tap, then for hot water it was either a [bolt to the wall] separate hot water geyser, or the kettle or pan on the stove?

Seems as though there are many homes in the UK & in Canada still that don't have a hot water line. Similar probably in areas of Europe.

Then there was the outhouse at the bottom of the yard