A Suitable Gift?

Old Jul 27th 2017, 6:08 pm
  #31  
 
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Default Re: A Suitable Gift?

Originally Posted by Loafing Along
Just to add to the debate on choice - today's Daily mail Online :

Can a shop bought Mary Berry cake match one made at home?� | Daily Mail Online
That's a relief, I thought it was going to be a Mary Berry made of cake.
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Old Jul 31st 2017, 10:30 pm
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Default Re: Cake Addiction and Cakebeticism.

Originally Posted by Diddion
Quiltman, thank you so much for sharing your loss, and let me express my deep sympathy for the pain you have suffered over the years. But your warning is too late for me because I, too, have already touched upon Cake Addiction (but was ejected from my local CAA group for disorderly conduct and drunkenness) but was drawn back from the abyss, as it were, by intensive alcohol treatment prescribed for my cakebeticism. Perhaps, though I can now offer you some hope out of your misery.

Please forgive me if I go into some detail, though it might help others in a similar situation; but I am afraid my condition only acts to magnify some of the other issues discussed so far in this thread. I had not intended to muddy the waters, as it were, by bringing it up here - but I now think I need to come clean.

About four years ago - during Cake Addiction treatment - I was identified as being full-blown type 2 cakebetic with my serum cake levels standing at 25 millicrumbs per litre. This was, as you can imagine, a major blow at the time, but I would like to report on the remarkable impact of Alcohol Therapy on the twin problems of Cake Addiction and Cakebeticism. This is part of the abstract the American Cakebetic Research Foundation research report, presented at the Fourth International Food and Health Conference in California, (Veeraswamy et al, 2014, Proc IFHCC 2014, p 1731, Cake addiction and alcohol)

The increase in Cake Addiction has been reported elsewhere (see ibid 2016 for a metastudy report). This report addresses the interaction between cakeoholism and cakebeticism, and discusses the role of alcohol as a moderating factor.

Our preliminary findings on what can be termed an epidemic of cakebeticism in the US raise the alarming spectre of exponentially increasing complications, especially in the young, middle aged, and elderly. We show that the normal, safe levels are 12 to 15 millicrumbs per litre of blood. At serum cake levels below 9 millicrumbs /litre there is the danger of hypocakonia - with its well known dangers, and above 18 millicrumbs per litre the patient is increasingly likely to experience episodes of hypercakonia with serious long-term consequences on both physical and mental health. Diet alone often fails, and will frequently lead to cake addiction. Our preliminary research shows that moderate to excessive alcohol intake can not only bring down serum cake figures to normal levels, but also inhibit or even cure the tendency for cakeoholism.
(the bold is mine)

Apart from the strange fact that the abstract refers to a report of two years in its future, many interesting and valid issues are raised, here. The main one, as I (from a layman's perspective) understand, is that one needs to balance cake intake with alcohol consumption - and as long as this balance is properly maintained, both cake addiction (or cakeoholism, as the Americans term it) and cakebeticism are controlled. If I can reveal my own medical position, I am regarded as being a Cake Addict in remission - helped, I am sure, by being so inebriated much of the time I have not been able to make my way to the kitchen and our tailor-made Cake Storage Unit, and my serum cake levels are down to 17 millicrumbs per litre of blood - a bit high, in my view, but close to the normal range (I am formally classed as a precakeabetic right now). So I plan on a protective series of increasing alcohol infusions, prior to commencing the cake trial proper. Later research findings (Google this) show clearly that there is a trigger level of required alcohol intake, which increases with increased serum cake levels, so my plan is to ensure an excess of alcohol, in order to provide a measure of security.

And at last the food industry is waking up to this! The recommended cake itself, referred to in the second post on this thread, is indeed already gin-infused! This is the kind of responsible behaviour I would like to see more of, and the provider is to be congratulated on their health-conscious unspoken message.

I wonder if any other forum members are in a similar position? Perhaps we could start a Portuguese cakeholicsabetics support group? It is nothing to be ashamed of.
I think your getting this all out of proportion Diddion. Take a deep breath,lie down and revise the plan. Obviously cake it now quite out of the question. I would suggest whisky or other but fear for you in that area,especially whilst driving. Nothing for it,the gift has to be both inedible and undrinkable you can't take the mental strain.. A Paddington Bear it is then
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Old Aug 1st 2017, 3:23 am
  #33  
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Default Re: A Suitable Gift?

Sadly, it is already too late. Perhaps, if you had relayed your profoundly thoughtful suggestion, the course of my life would have changed, but no. I have tried to resist, but in the end could not prevent myself, and have bought up every cake available from outlets of all sizes, from small, independent bakers to major supermarkets, within a 35 mile radius of here, whilst I wait for my special order from Mary Berry to be made - they are rushing through the completion of a new factory for this.

I am locked in my room, now, existing in a small space remaining in the centre, surrounded by walls of cake three feet thick. Even the floor is a soft, gentle layer of welcoming cake. I hear the faint sound of the military helicopter buzzing above me, and through the cake-insulated walls I can make out megaphone, but the words are too muffled. This is a living heaven, and a living hell.

Last edited by Diddion; Aug 1st 2017 at 3:26 am.
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Old Aug 1st 2017, 4:00 am
  #34  
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Default Re: A Suitable Gift?

Originally Posted by Diddion
Sadly, it is already too late. Perhaps, if you had relayed your profoundly thoughtful suggestion, the course of my life would have changed, but no. I have tried to resist, but in the end could not prevent myself, and have bought up every cake available from outlets of all sizes, from small, independent bakers to major supermarkets, within a 35 mile radius of here, whilst I wait for my special order from Mary Berry to be made - they are rushing through the completion of a new factory for this.

I am locked in my room, now, existing in a small space remaining in the centre, surrounded by walls of cake three feet thick. Even the floor is a soft, gentle layer of welcoming cake. I hear the faint sound of the military helicopter buzzing above me, and through the cake-insulated walls I can make out megaphone, but the words are too muffled. This is a living heaven, and a living hell.
Didion, thanks for the update. don't worry about the helicopter at the moment. Of more concern is that I hear the SAS are preparing a raid to repatriate cake - and eat some themselves. At least you still have t'internet in your hidey hole so can keep in touch with the outside world , but what happens when the cake runs out? Do you have plans for restocking without going outside and getting arrested ? Must go , a Julies pantry truck just pulled up outside - looks like she's been ordering online again!
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Old Aug 1st 2017, 2:00 pm
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Default Re: A Suitable Gift?

And as I stand outside the now burning residence of one named Didion I can just make out the blurred outline of someone throwing cakes down to the soldiers lined up below. It has been a catastrophe of gigantic proportions .The sad part being it was all self inflicted. As a passing old woman (munching on a slice of Dundee) mumbled. 'If only he had gone for a non edible gift...none of this would have happened. Still can't look a gift cake in the mouth' as they say' then she shuffled off into the gloom .
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Old Aug 1st 2017, 6:44 pm
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Default Re: A Suitable Gift?

From my hideout here at the edge of the woods I can just make out soldiers looting my cake supply. At first I thought they were rescuing them but No! their actions show a total disregard of human decency. My life is destroyed, my cake depository virtually demolished, my house no longer habitable. The smell of burning sultanas is intolerable. But I, at least for now, have escaped with a small cache of cakes - a Mary Berry among them! That, I shall keep till last. The baying of hounds breaks the silence, together with the popping of bursting cakes and the belches of soldiers.

Cakebeticsim and cakeholicism are the least of my worries, now, as I contemplate a bleak and empty future. What is to become of me?
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Old Aug 1st 2017, 7:37 pm
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Default Re: A Suitable Gift?

Originally Posted by Diddion
From my hideout here at the edge of the woods I can just make out soldiers looting my cake supply. At first I thought they were rescuing them but No! their actions show a total disregard of human decency.

Excellent...Soon my troops shall return home with their spoils... Soon...

* steeples fingers *
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Old Aug 1st 2017, 10:11 pm
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Default Re: A Suitable Gift?

I had long suspected Nutek, but he has now revealed his hand. Oh, if only I'd had time to inject more of those cakes with that virus before - in the nick of time - making good my escape. Oh, what a surprise he will encounter.

It is damp, here, in the hideout, but at least it is warm, and I am healthy, and the cakes afford fine insulation. I remain in good health, though the diet of fruit cake is beginning to get monotonous. Oh, what I would do for a slice of sponge cake or even a small battenburg right now!

I have been planning, in between mouthfuls. I am nearly ready for my first big move. I need to know who my supporters are.........

Last edited by Diddion; Aug 1st 2017 at 10:13 pm.
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Old Aug 1st 2017, 10:15 pm
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Default Re: A Suitable Gift?

Originally Posted by Diddion
I am nearly ready for my first big move.
A diet of fruit cake will cause that after a time.
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Old Aug 1st 2017, 10:18 pm
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Default Re: A Suitable Gift?

Originally Posted by Nutek
A diet of fruit cake will cause that after a time.
Nutek, my enemy! And how, may I ask, are your troops? Anything..........happening?
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Old Aug 1st 2017, 10:26 pm
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Default Re: A Suitable Gift?

Originally Posted by Diddion
Nutek, my enemy! And how, may I ask, are your troops? Anything..........happening?
Strangely quiet. In light of recent news, let's hope it remains that way.
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Old Aug 2nd 2017, 1:25 am
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Default Re: A Suitable Gift?

Originally Posted by Nutek
Strangely quiet. In light of recent news, let's hope it remains that way.
They were double agents. you thought they were working for you but in fact were Nigella lawson troops in disguise. Things were probably OK until the words Mary Berry were picked up by Echelon computers and DefCon 1 activated.All evidence of Mary Berry has to be eliminated.
My heart goes out to Didion , all alone in his hidey hole with limited cake stores. Can we organise a diversion so he can flee to a cake friendly country - like here? We could start a GoFundMe page to assist. I'll donate some lemon mango chiffon sponges to start the ball rolling.
Heck! Now a Leonnes Cakes motorbike delivery man has arrived. The sedative must have worn off - Nurse! Bring the injection quick.
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Old Aug 2nd 2017, 5:12 am
  #43  
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Default Re: A Suitable Gift?

They haven't found me; the scent of cinnamon confounds the hounds' sense of smell, as I recall from those heady days when I was an SCS commando. Yes, it is all coming back to me now. Even the distant puff of flour bombs gives me heart, as it proves that they cannot locate me.

It's been a mixed fruit kind of a day. I feel safe, yet I feel trapped. I am working on my escape. Can Nutek be eliminated, I wonder.

Last edited by Diddion; Aug 2nd 2017 at 5:16 am.
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Old Aug 3rd 2017, 4:00 am
  #44  
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Default A Suitable Gift?

I have taken a turn for the worse. The wound - did I tell you of the wound? - I received during my escape is worse than I feared. I am surrounded, with the sound of flour bombs ever closer. Provisions are low, with just Mary Berry left. I am nearing the end.
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Old Aug 3rd 2017, 4:28 pm
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Default Re: A Suitable Gift?

I guess those Portuguese friends can forget the present then !
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