nicolanewman

It's really a culture here in the Philippines to help family members in need. It just sad that those who work hard are abused and are taken for granted.

Philosophical 11

Greetings!

Its done.

I proposed on the day of receiving my divorce on a beautiful evening on the beach. We were having dinner with a couple of friends and I popped the question. Although she knew it was coming at some point it still came as a surprise. 10mins after I proposed, we saw a falling star in the evening sky....the first I had seen in the Philippines .....a good omen I thought. She shed a couple of tears and the next morning we went down to see her father for permission. Cue hugs and back-slaps. Took them all out and a few friends for a celebratory dinner on the beach the next night. A good time was had by all.

But....sadly I did wrong. Perhaps I should have thought about it more. I didn't have a ring. Sooo.....she chose a ring and yet another celebratory dinner on the beach a week later. My lovely lady kept the number of family guests down to an agreed limit because I was half expecting distant relatives from afar and out of the wood work. But, the second dinner c/w ring very nearly didn't take place. That is in my next post. The second dinner was preceded by a thunderstorm (another omen?) so we had to eat inside the restaurant but it was a great night. So, at long last the deed is done. Relationships with her family are better although not as they were before. But I am happy with how it is.

Regards

Philosophical 11

A couple of weeks ago, our landlady wanted some money to help build a house. Her husband is an OFW in Saudi and apparently the company he is working for seems to be doing badly. He has not been paid for a few weeks. They needed money for their new build. I understand that any money I give them will be taken off the purchase price of this house. The amount required was not mentioned and as the prospect of buying this place seems remote I declined. I just know that more money will be required for the build and I would never see that money again. But she did not reply to her landlady's request. She requested again on the afternoon of our second family gathering and I gave the same response. Cue broken down fallen angel act. Now she was ill before that to be fair with "fever".....and I couldn't get a word out of her. I suggested we postpone the family dinner until she felt better. No reply. It seems she was bitterly disappointed that I would not help out her landlady who is a friend of the family. Transpires that he will come back to the Philippines when the contract ends and will want to sell this house. I have no problem with that. If we have to move then I will make sure there is no out-building for non paying lodgers.

Come the time to set off for the party, it seems a light switch had come on and she was back to her radiant best. And we had a brilliant time with nothing more said.

Regards

Stokkevn

I think you were very wise to kick that into touch. You could use the money she was asking for her new build, towards a new build of your own. I still own part of a fish farm, pig farm and chicken farm to the tune of about P650k, all went bankrupt. The latest loan of just P2k was due to be repaid 2 weeks ago. Excuse - his brother got a girl pregnant and her parents are very strict so he had to use my money to help pay for their wedding. If making up excuses to avoid repaying a loan was an Olympic sport Ph would get gold every time.

quiltman

Philosophical 11

Greetings,

Thanks for your replies and your kind wishes previously.

Because anything that involves money is always viewed with suspicion by me, I got to thinking why she acted so oddly when I said I had no money to help the landlady. Especially on engagement day and I was more or less cleaned out by my recent divorce settlement. Perhaps its something to do with the possible unpaid rent I have mooted about previously.....or perhaps a plan to help Waddly and her bf who appear to be currently unemployed and living here off my back. Or whatever. Seems to be a strange request under the circumstances and odd reaction from her. Guess I have been living here too long. Overthinking can lead to wrong answers. I am sure I am wrong....and doing her a major dis-service.

Regards

nioclik

Hi, first time I have posted on here, but I have been following yadventures from near enough the start.
Congratulations on your impending nuptials,

nonthaburi

Good luck with the future marriage.

A few thoughts.

I think I mentioned way back on page 17 or something that I have been married to a Thai for many years, and although not exactly the same, there are many things that are very much the same when it comes down to foreigner/ SE Asian marriages. The main one being the relationship with her family and how you deal with that.

In your case, IMO you are too close physically to the family, good fences makes for great neighbors and all that. If you do have to move out of your house I would seriously consider moving a bit of a distance away from the family. It will make your life so much easier.

We used to talk about a 50km rule in Thailand when considering where to live. 50km being the maximum distance a Thai would consider traveling in a day just on a whim. Close enough for you mrs to see them when she wants to without too much difficulty, but guaranteed to be far enough that they won't be in your pockets all the time.

We're currently looking at buying a 2nd property 600km away just to be on the safe side!!

The key to any relationship regarding all of this is that you have to be on the same page. It won't work if either of you feels disgruntled about the situation.

In your case it seems as if you're happy enough with the situation, but I'll be honest with you. I don't know how you do it!!!

Anyways, best of luck for the future.

morpeth

I am amazed how he does it as well ! Distance from family the best solution usually.

Stokkevn

The rule round here from the expats is, live no closer than a P250 bus ride away. I ended up a P5 c-cat ride away from most of them, although MiL lives a 45min flight away.

Philosophical 11

Greetings and sanitations!

Re...living close to the family.

I agree with all the comments on this particular topic. I was fore-warned prior to coming here....in fact the best advice I got was to live in a city nearby....but in a different country.

I ignored that advice because my lovely lady had spent a number of years away from home earning to provide for her family, and she was at last coming home to settle down. With me. I supported her in that wish although she did say we could settle elsewhere if I so desired. Prior to meeting her, I was going to visit other places in the Philippines and then decide where to stay. But, I felt she deserved to be with her family after her sacrifices.

Initially as the regular readers of this blog will know, I encountered all the problems previously mentioned but I was fore-armed. Thankfully. I knew what to expect and dealt with each situation as diplomatically as I could. Much patience and good sense of humour was required. It seems to have worked out Ok and I credit my lovely lady for a lot of this. She was caught in between a rock and a hard place and she did a lot to curb the excesses in her own way and largely unknown to me. She could tell I was not happy with various issues and things changed slowly but surely.

Now we live together with hardly any interference from her family who only live 25 mins away. No more loans, "Red horse nights", food and soft drinks being ferreted out. Gate is always secured, no more e-cig demands and they have got used to the idea that I have rented this house for me and her....and not for all of them with me as a guest. Certainly I still have Waddly and her bf living a couple of metres away but they are not a problem. No loud music or TV, gate always locked and no friends coming and going. Although I am irked by them living here on false pretenses and paying nothing except food.....they are model tenants. Thankfully. I am sure my lovely lady made sure of that.

So, yes although I agree that living with a family can create problems, I have shown it can be done. I had the help of you guys with your advice and support for which I am thankful. And to my lovely lady who had to balance her loyalties between me and her family. Which wasn't easy.

Regards

Stokkevn

I assume that you meant Salutations and not Sanitations, or maybe not.

We live close to her extended family, In-laws, brother & sister live in Manila ( 45min flight of 22hrs on a bus away ), which is good as she does not speak to them anyway, big family bust up, no idea what about, I kept well away from it.

I had the advantage of visiting here for 6/8 weeks each winter for 8 years before we eventually settled here. My wife did tell the family that once we retired here there would not be any more freeloading or big loans ( fish, pig & chicken farms had already been subsidised ) as I would not get any pension for at least 12 years after we moved here. There is always one or two who sneak through the net but in the most part I have been respected regarding that, with one exception M-i-L. She was here a few years ago when her sister died but without any word just turned up on the doorstep and said she was staying for about 6 weeks. I was not happy but kept my views to myself, until, talking one evening when she said that she would not be laid out in a cheap bamboo house as her sister was but in a nice posh house, this one. At that point I got in just before the Missus and explained that it was my house and she was not going to be laid out in it. She looked to my wife for support but did not find it. What a cheek expecting to be flown from Manila to be laid out in my house, even I am not going to be laid out in my house, quick trip to the crematorium and then thrown in the river for me.

nonthaburi

Was she sick at the time? Seems a strange thing to come out with!

Stokkevn

No she was not sick, just laying out what she thought the ground rules were for when she shuffled off her mortal perch.

nonthaburi

Well, at the end of the day you could have promised her anything. And then do as you like. It's not as if she would have been in a position to do anything about it.