Humorous Episodes
 

I thought I would start this thread so we could gather all our humorous stories in one place so that new comers can see that it is not all gloom and doom here.

So I will start it off with a one episode that occurred when walking down to the market one morning. On top of a 2 story house roof was a lad clambering around with a live chicken in his hand. I asked one of the guys who hang around the jeepny stop what he was doing up there, but his English was worse than my Tagalog so he grabbed me by the hand and went through the house while shouting something to the owner. A minute later we were standing in the dirty kitchen looking at the charcoal cooking pit when suddenly the chicken burst out of the chimney in a cloud of soot, the chicken was grabbed and thrown out into the yard before it made a mess everywhere. Apparently the standard way of cleaning chimneys here is to throw a live chicken down it.

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I may have jumped the gun on this one a bit, having spoken to a RSPCA friend in the UK, apparently this was the favored method in the UK between banning of kids going up the chimney and the common use of the sweeps brush.

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Great idea Stokkevn! I know you have many a story to tell....I look forward to seeing them again and any new ones you have.

The only contribution I can think of making at the moment is based on the word illogical which comes to mind a lot by living in the Philippines.

We had squadrons of mosquitoes in the bedroom and she decided to get rid of them with an aerosol spray. I went in half an hour later and still found the mosquitoes. She only left the windows open so that they could escape. When I tried to explain the purpose of the aerosol, I was told that I did not understand....

Pete

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One episode that I can remember happened in Denmark, although the woman in question was from the Philippines. She was quite a large woman and coming out of a small grocers clutching two large paper bags of things. Just as she got to the edge of the pavement the bottom of one of the bags gave way and there were potatoes, onions and carrots everywhere. An obviously retired military gentleman stopped helped to pick them up, as the woman bent down to retrieve what veggies she could she let out a large fart. Without batting an eye lid the military guy said "That's right madam the ones you can't catch - Shoot" I have never seen any turn so red in my life, even her arms.

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my wife a trained SRN, college graduate etc

birth of our first has placed garlic around the windows and doors to keep the wak wak away!!

I removed the items back to the kitchen, did not tell her until about 3 days later, she near had a seizure for me putting the baby at risk!!!

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I was supposed to be a godfather for some kid in the village, here they use a small pouch hung round the neck or pinned to their cloths for the same reason. I was holding my potential godson when I asked what was in the pouch, the reply was garlic and ginger. I said that does not make them taste any better, kid quickly remove from my arms, name removed from godfather list.

I might have to try that again.

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A few years ago I stayed with my wifes' family for a night before we moved into a house we had just purchased.

During the night a small insect flew into my wifes ear, her mums suggestion as common wisdom dictates is to turn your clothes inside out and then the insect will find its way out by itself.

Being tired and the middle of the night this idea did not sit comfortably with me and I made my view known.

After much insistance they finally found me some cooking oil, one drop in the ear and the insect floated up to be retrieved with a cotton bud. Miracle of miracles.

I have found that Filipinas are very naive, will believe anything they hear and take advice from those who think they know but haven't a clue. I have spent the last six years drumming into my lovely wife that you only ask a question of someone who is qualified to answer and take any other opinion as unqualified rubbish.

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MikeNZ,

So true about believing and taking advice from friends. How many times have I heard "but my friend says...." She doesn't say it much now when I remind her about her friends saying I cannot get a visa in the Philippines, but must get it before arrival. Also, my swollen foot when according to her friends I was going to drop down dead with a massive heart attack.

Anyway, last year she heard from the PNP that burglars sometimes use a form of chloroform sprayed into a bedroom window whilst the occupants are sleeping so that they can obtain entry into a house without being interrupted. She took this to heart and locked the bedroom windows 24/7 even though we were in the house. This was not much fun for me because the bedroom became an oven and after a shower, getting changed in there was like a sauna. I needed another shower after getting changed. It took a long time to convince her that if some nefarious person put "medicine" in the bedroom during the day time, it would be long gone before we went to bed at night. But of course I had to also battle against...."But my friend said....."

Regards

Pete

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A few years ago I was outside water jetting the old paint off the gates when a couple of elderly ladies walked up the track, so I stopped the water jet to allow them to pass without being covered in water and black paint flecks. One of them, in very good English for here, asked why I did not get a house boy to do that work. Looking at myself covered in sweat, water, black paint flecks and concrete dust it did seem like a good idea, but then I can not give up a chance at winding someone up. I replied that I was the house boy from Australia and the lady who owns the house was married to an English man before she put him in an old peoples home in England and moved back to the Philippines. All I heard as the ladies walked up the track was Tut Tut Tut! My missus found out from the village rumour machine that she was living with an Australian house boy. Took her weeks to stop the gossip as the two old ladies were well respected in the village and me saying 'I have not got a clue what she is talking about' did not help. Brownie points were scarce that month.

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Today we, the missus and I and 80 of the nearest family members were off to the beach in a relatives lorry when we were stopped at a local check point that is so much a permanent feature that I know most of the lads managing it. Usual questions of where are you going, I decided to be a bit cheeky pointing to the 'Philippine Red Cross' sticker in the windscreen ( left over from Yolanda days ) I said that we were on the way to seen a cannibal tribe in the mountains and taking them their lunch, pointing my thumb to the family in the back. It fell flat with the lad asking the questions, but the one behind him just collapsed into his chair laughing, he then translated to the rest of them. Smiles and laughter all round and we were sent on our way.

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The driving license topic reminded me of the first time I went to get a license. At the urine sample station I was given a small test tube and pointed by the girl to a toilet door next to her desk. In I went, shut the door and just started to fill the tube when the door was pushed open and the girl said "I must see", so with that I turned round so she could, she screamed, knocked over her chair and fled, the police chief who was with me doubled up with laughter, when he stopped he said that he did not think she wanted to see that much. She returned a few mins later, police chief explained to her that it was not my fault as she did say she wanted to see.

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Rain...a gift from God?

Not a humorous episode. But I think its funny.

Rain is a life saving commodity and without it...we will die. But according to my lovely lady its deadly. Not deadly when the road is soaked and all the vehicles are driving on it with their slick tyres at silly mph. Nope. Get touched by a rain drop and you may as well book yourself into hospital for an eternity. If a rain drop falls...it could actually have been a fly spitting then up goes the brolly. On our way to the market or wherever, the brolly will be up and down more times than a hookers knickers. We have a small pond. Have been told not to let the first rains of the season fall onto it....after all, the rain has been up in the clouds for many a month and will be dirty and nasty. I take no notice of a rain drop....and I am still here. But if I cough about 2 weeks after being struck by a rain drop...my lovely lady will triumphantly say it was caused by the rain drop. And of we would go to the pharmacy to get medicine...probably with the umbrella going up and down with the same regularity of a cars indicator lights.

You can see where we sit on the beach during the evening. It has furrows in the sand back to the bar because she thought she felt a rain drop. Everyone else just sits there waiting for the rain drop to pass. I wonder if they know that their days are sadly numbered.

But...its not all bad. When it comes down in torrents then if the kids are here she will join them cavorting in this deadly liquid. When I ask about the mortal dangers of rain touching her....her answer is always the same. "You do not understand".

Tried to tell her once that the city and well water comes from the rain and that Sipalay is not awash in dead and dying people. She says I am wrong. The water comes from the mountains. But who am I to argue?

Regards

Pete

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On Monday I went to the Municipal Hall to pay a bill, I went early and took one of my dogs as well. Paid the bill but could not get away from the building as the flag raising parade had just started and not wishing to seem rude and pushing through people I just stood on the front step waiting it to finish. This is where it started to go wrong, the dog wandered off and inspected the crotches of some of the female staff who were standing to attention. Bored with that he wandered over to the line of dignitaries standing in front of their chairs and picked on the new police chief, not content with just a quick inspection it was followed by a hefty nose nudge in the plums. Feeling he had now done his duty he wandered over to the bottom of the flag pole, sat down and proceeded to wash his equipment. The problem is that I can not say I had never seen that dog before as everyone knows he is mine.

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I got fed up of having to straighten mirrors or actually having to go and find them and put them back on the wall, I thought I would have a bit of fun as taking all the mirrors away is more cruel to a Filipino than waterboarding.

I took all the mirrors down, put them in the workshop, connected a wire to all of them and to just 1 pole of a car battery, when she asked what I was doing I said I was reprogramming them so they would reflect my face as well as hers. Expecting a smack round the ear all I got was "Oh, well don't take long then"

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Humorous episodes doesn't just have to be situations. It could be anything....including conversation. Misunderstandings happen due mainly to language interpretation and culture. I have had many such misunderstanding which have faded from memory. But two examples that happened yesterday.

We were due to go for a day out shopping and as it was a 12 hr return journey by bus including waiting time....we thought we would get up at silly o'clock in the morning. But we got up a bit earlier due to a brown-out and it was too humid to sleep. So we thought we would go early. As it was dark outside, I debated with myself whether to wait for sunrise or make our way to the terminal by torchlight. Thought I would see how the missus felt about it.....

Me: What time does it get light here sweetheart?

Missus: It opens at 8.30

Me: What?

Missus: It opens at 8.30, we can find out then.

Me: But it will be light then

Missus: Yes, but we can ask them then.

Me: Ask who, what?

Missus: When we will have power back. The Power Company.

Me: No, I meant what time will it get light here. When does the sun come up.?

Missus: Later.

We went by torchlight.

Then during the day, we wanted to eat at a restaurant. This always seems to happen:

Missus: Where do you want to sit?

Me: Don't mind sweetheart, Hows about over there?

Missus: Why over there?

Me: As I said, I don't mind....hows about over there then. (Pointing to a different place)

Missus: I thought you wanted to sit over there? (Pointing to the original place)

Me: As I said, I don't mind. Hows about over there? (Pointing to somewhere completely different)

Missus: No, that's too near the AC, it will be cold.

Me: Ok....over there then. (Again a different place)

Missus: No....its too near the WC. It will smell.

Me: (Patience wearing thin) Ok...we can sit outside in the fresh air.

Missus: No. It will rain soon.

Me: (Now exasperated). I said I don't mind where we sit.

Missus: Ok, we will sit here. (Which is where we had been standing for the last 5minutes.)

Yes, you need the patience of a Saint and good sense of humour in the Philippines.

Regards

Pete M