Spacecake799

Hi,

I just wanted to tell you a little of my situation which is similar to yours with the 3 children.
We had been in NZ around 3 years when we decided we wanted to go home. There were a few reasons personal to us about our experiences. Anyhow at the time our middle child (girl) had just started yr 11 and met a boy. We mentioned going home and she asked us to wait to see how things went.
Well our eldest finished yr 13 and returned to England and still our daughter wanted us to stay as her relationship was still going strong. Finally after 3 more yrs my husband and youngest son left last July ready for the new year at school and I waited in NZ for our daughter to finish yr 13. She is now at uni there and we are all home.
Its not ideal but I speak to her everyday, at least I know where she is and who she is with and she lives with my father in law. She even txts to let me know shes home safe.
Its not how I ever wanted it but its working for us.
When your girls meet boys everything will change, if you cant imagine being there for another 10 years I suggest go sooner rather than later and take them all with you.
Good luck with whatever you decide.

jmh

Yeh, family really does make a difference to how connected and supported you feel. We're opposite in our circumstances because I have come back to a large family group. I realise now how alone I was in the UK. I still have a house there, but things are going well here so I think I'll stay. I back in the UK for four weeks from next week, so I'll be constantly comparing!

southerner

Hi dannigirl
Thanks for the updates - great reading.
You have a lot of freaky parallels with our own situation (the pre-immigration visit to Dunedin to finalise the decision after 10years in the UK, one returning kiwi + one pom with 2 young kids, and targeting an old/character villa for a start). We even rented in Belleknowes right at the beginning.

As others say, please be assured that having little moments and doubts is all very normal after the honeymoon period, and almost without fail everyone will have something thrown at them that really tests their mettle.

Plenty of peeps who ultimately settle very well, have struggled in the early days.

Cheers
Southerner...

southerner

Had to laugh about this... do you remember back in the 80s and 90s the Pakistani cricket team was often referred to as the Pakis by NZ fans and commentators (all part of NZ tradition of wanting to shorten any name they can). Well I learnt painfully when I moved to London that different countries have different standards of what words are racist or not. I know that international media is much more accessable these days, but when you think about it why should society in one country have to conform to the norms of another??
Remember too the fuss over eskimo pies.

dannigirl

Well, we are on the rocky road back to the UK!

House in on the market and as soon as that sells we will pretty much be off.

Biggest reason has been family. Bottom line is we have much more family support in the UK and our girls will have much more family around them growing up in the UK. We thought that maybe some of the benefits of childhood in NZ could counteract not having as much family, but we don't feel the benefits/positives actually outweigh the negatives.

Some of our reasons are very personal, so I won't bore you with the details but again we feel the right environment for us as a family is in the UK.

I am so pleased we have come back to NZ. We have honestly given it 1000% and really did want to settle, but feel really good about our decision to return to the UK. I love my country of birth very much and NZ will be in my heart forever, but it's not the same NZ I left and I am not the same person that left NZ 11 years ago.

We have a wonderful family in Wales, I am excited about the girls growing up in Britain and feel excited about their futures. Of course, a country influences how you grow up but what matters most is the parenting you have. I see plenty of shit parenting here in NZ everyday ( as I'm sure we will in the UK).

I think I knew early on that it would not work, every now and then I just have this dread/awful uncomfortable feeling of staying in NZ, and although it has been a costly exercise I would not change it for the world. I don't belong here anymore. I sometimes wish I was the British expat who moved here and could experience things through fresh eyes, but I have too many memories good and bad that are hard to assimilate with the person I am now. Perhaps we should have tried to move somewhere new but family support is important to us.

There are things about the UK I don't like and I can only hope that going back after spending time in NZ makes me appreciate you can't live in a city without some compromises. I am much more urbanised than I ever imagined! We plan to holiday in NZ to visit family and teach our girls about their kiwi heritage and enjoy NZ in small (but perfectly formed) doses

I felt the pull back to NZ for the land and my culture, my family of course. But I can live away from my family and whilst I still love the land and scenery of NZ I can't help think that we could do with a few more million people to really progress this country. The South Island is epic in its beauty but the isolation and barren population is just not me anymore I can't believe I am writing this. My husband made a good point, I never intended to leave NZ on a permanent basis when I left on my OE 11 years ago. I had to come back to say goodbye to my country and to stop making comparisons between the UK and NZ. Both have their faults! I would have been unbearable to live with had we not done this, "oh in NZ we do it this way...." Even I can see how unbearable I would have been.

It is possible to live the dream in NZ, very possible. I am really envious of people who come here and live a very different life to the one they had in the UK, but I also think good on them!. It's not a mindset. It's hard work, luck, ability to adapt, taking a chance and embracing a new culture. Exactly how I hope I'll be in the UK. I just feel I can't settle the negatives of NZ in my mind, for me and MY family.

So that's us for now. Scared and hoping we don't become ping pongers
Hoping we go back to the UK taking all our experiences and lessons learned with us, and give it a good go of having a great family life in the UK.

On a totally materialistic level looking forward to Waitrose and M&S, but also traditional Christmases in the UK with lots of family, central heating, a packed Millennium Stadium watching the All Blacks smash Wales and reminding the in laws how long it has been since Wales beat us, great shopping, exploring more of the UK and finally going to the Greek Islands which was on my "to do" list during my OE but never completed!

BEVS

Fair play to you Dannigirl. I wish you all the luck in the world for this new phase of your life .

Please do keep us updated. I have followed your story and read your thoughts for so long now, I'd really like to know how it all finally pans out for you.

Snap Shot

It'll be our 'turn' one day. To go home that is. It's not so easy to live on one income. We are going to have to bring this whole charade to an end some time in the future.

cappuccino

You gave it your best shot Dannigirl.... sometimes our memories are better than reality. Good luck with your move back and of course NZ will always be special to you and your family and you will be able to enjoy coming back for holidays.

pixi-dust

you are amazing. I love that post. its so honest, and ace in every way.
I wish you and your family the safest of travels and a happy return!

Having just been back to the Uk for a holiday I am completely envious of the fact that you will have an M&S to go to whenever you want. Honest to god, I almost broke down and cried in the food hall!! Now that would have been embarrassing.

oh, you will LOVE the Greek islands.

all the very best
xx

Snap Shot

I want that ! I want a near religious experience in M&S Foodhall. I imagine tears running silently down my face as I stand there being absorbed by it all.

(Then stand in a bloody queue and remember how frustrating shopping in a busy shop can be !)

dannigirl

Thanks BEVS. Will keep you all updated, as if I could stay away from BE (maybe one day). We'll need a bit of luck, the thought of going back and negotiating school place, job, nursery/childminder and house in right catchment area for said school is enough to make me feel rather sick...but it still doesn't put me off

I really feel like I have learnt more about myself in these last 8-9 months than any other time in my life. A lot of stuff makes sense now. BE and the (mostly) wise posters including you have been a great help.

dannigirl

Awww thank you, that brings a wee tear to my eye. Yes, too honest sometimes. At the ripe old age of 37 I am slowly learning to sometimes keep my mouth shut!

I might set up SOS M&S food parcel service. Percy pigs anyone?

dannigirl

Thanks Cappuccino - totally agree with you re memories, and difficult realising that memories cannot be recreated. I have some amazing childhood memories, but I can't recreate this for my children...NZ is not the same as then and I am not the same. Of course we create new, wonderful memories, so why not in a another country. Time for a fresh start......

pixi-dust

they even had this amazing new deli, with a whole pata negra ham hanging up and all sorts.
and they had so many tills open there were NO queues!!!!

pixi-dust

it was Percy Pigs that I had to take back for a friend they have baby percy pigs now too