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Almost two years on and.........friendships are hard to come by!!!!

Almost two years on and.........friendships are hard to come by!!!!

Old Nov 15th 2011, 3:05 am
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Default Re: Almost two years on and.........friendships are hard to come by!!!!

Originally Posted by Ray and Debbie
Ooops, sorry Bev. Changed my screen name (or returned to the original one I should say). My screen name Debbi**** got deleted as it was relevant to my old work place e-mail in Britain. Please feel free to PM me in my incarnation as Debbie and Ray. I should have said hello when you were in Countdown last Friday. You had your gym gear on and a shopping list in your hand - you looked like you were concentrating ! I could have touched you on the shoulder you were that close !
Oh really? You should have said hi and I will pm you later
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Old Nov 20th 2011, 8:57 pm
  #62  
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Default Re: Almost two years on and.........friendships are hard to come by!!!!

Originally Posted by Hippygran2
At the end of November we will have been in NZ two years. Whilst basically enjoying life here as a retired couple, we have found it really hard to make new friends here as I am sure loads of people in our position have done before us. We have met & made friends walking our dog on the beach but generally they don't seem to become socialising friends. Don't get me wrong, we have made a few friends we can go for meals with - we are not completely 'Billy-no mates', ha ha!!!

I do voluntary work, go to an international coffee morning regularly, tried a community club for older people, got a flea in my ear and was spoken to like a ten year old by one individual so that put paid to that!!! So we are both not sitting at home waiting for it to happen. Not sure what else to try, not having been in this position before, always had a lovely circle of friends in the UK, of course made over a long period of time.


I wondered if there was any older people out there that had made this amazing journey later in life and how they dealt with it. Would love to hear from anyone who has been there.

Have to say, I feel very lucky to live in such a lovely area so close to great beaches etc.

Cheers

Joan
Hi HippyGran2

I'm sorry that NZ is like this but I don't think it's easy for any age group really... As like in any country or county it doesn't matter where you live people will allow you into their circle or not... I know you have tried but options are the key thing.... It's easy when you have children as we can get to know people at school and get friends that way... The Kiwis at times are a hard bunch to allow you into their circle of friends... If you enjoy rambling (walking) then some areas have groups to go walking, maybe place an advert in your local supermarket or have a look at the notice board there or at the local churches, or local papers and see if they have things around that might interest you.... If you know of any ex pats in your area maybe start up a group yourself and get the local free paper to talk about it you might have people around you in the same situation....

I know what you're talking about at times I have that here in Whitby, near Wellington and I'm a mum of 2.... The kiwi's as friends I have but they have come and gone and I have loads of friends back in the UK and their friendship is and was SO different to what I have over here.... Onwards and Upwards and I hope you do find what you are looking for and manage to not allow it to get you down.... We brits have to stick together at times... xxx
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Old Nov 22nd 2011, 7:26 pm
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Default Re: Almost two years on and.........friendships are hard to come by!!!!

Hi,
I think since I started this thread and read the responses from other folks on BE having similar problems in finding/making friends here, it has made me appreciate my lifestyle here in comparision to the UK and really value the relatively few friendships I/we have made here. I now feel I am being more laid-back about the 'friendship' thing - if friendships develope, that will be great, if not, so be it. So you can say I'm more relaxed about it all now. I do have a really nice life here and has to be one BIG bonus.

By the way, going slightly off subject - I am an Aquarius and I think I read somewhere that Aquarians make 'better friends than lovers' make of that what you want. I have to say as an Aquarian, I do try to be a good friend wherever possible.

Cheers

Joan
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Old Nov 22nd 2011, 8:18 pm
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Default Re: Almost two years on and.........friendships are hard to come by!!!!

the best thing is not to try too hard.
people here do not seem to like it if you try, it comes across as desperado.

I have adopted the measure, 'if you want to be friends, then great, if you dont, that is great too'. either way I am not phased.

You learn to like your own company !!!

keeping animals is a way of having some good friends, they are amusing, they dont answer back, arent horrible and dont make you feel like a moron! they can sometimes ignore you but not for long.

but I have met some lovely older generation here, they are just great.

Last edited by tweetweet; Nov 22nd 2011 at 8:21 pm.
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Old Dec 19th 2011, 2:57 am
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Default Re: Almost two years on and.........friendships are hard to come by!!!!

Originally Posted by Hippygran2
At the end of November we will have been in NZ two years. Whilst basically enjoying life here as a retired couple, we have found it really hard to make new friends here as I am sure loads of people in our position have done before us. We have met & made friends walking our dog on the beach but generally they don't seem to become socialising friends. Don't get me wrong, we have made a few friends we can go for meals with - we are not completely 'Billy-no mates', ha ha!!!

I do voluntary work, go to an international coffee morning regularly, tried a community club for older people, got a flea in my ear and was spoken to like a ten year old by one individual so that put paid to that!!! So we are both not sitting at home waiting for it to happen. Not sure what else to try, not having been in this position before, always had a lovely circle of friends in the UK, of course made over a long period of time.

I wondered if there was any older people out there that had made this amazing journey later in life and how they dealt with it. Would love to hear from anyone who has been there.

Have to say, I feel very lucky to live in such a lovely area so close to great beaches etc.

Cheers

Joan
Hi Joan. This is my first post here. I'm not a Brit -- hope that doesn't mean I'm not welcome. I'm a yank, I guess by Brit reconing, but I'm currently living in Ecuador, but now eying up NZ as a possible next location. My wife is from Ecuador, from the coast where it's rather steamy, especially this time of year, but we live in the Andes mountains at some 2600 meters altitude where the climate is much more like my native Maryland is in Spring.

Your post caught my attention because not only am I in the same position, but my wife is too. I've got good friends back in the states, and my wife has her good friends back on the coast, and we have the same issues -- we just don't make good friends here. There's people we meet and they are nice but with the exception of one expat I met here, I have no close friends. Your post got me thinking about this a bit more.

The good friends my wife and I have are friends that we've had from our youth, and I think that's the key. When we are young, we actually DO things with our friends. There are sleepovers, pajama parties, getaway trips, summer camps, taking the same classes and suffering through tough exams with teacher so-in-so.... We experience real life, and sometimes hardships and that's the stuff that *real* friendships are made of. We get to know those friends so well that we know what their dreams are, and when something embarrassing happens to them we laugh outloud at their expense just because it's funny! And the bonding is really strong enough to survive the times when friends get mad at each other. Out of that comes stuff that is Real Friendship.

But then something happens when we turn about 25. We grow older, get jobs and buy our own homes. No more do we go out and share real times with other people. The people we meet are neighbors, co-workers, parents of kids that are friends with our kids, and interaction is limited to having coffee or tea every once in a while, and just sharing basic info about what we do for work, where we're from, and how spouses meet. But when you're having one of those conversations and you get a call that's urgent about something, your first reaction is "sorry, I have to go". You don't ask them for any help with that situation and they don't expect you too, because you got all the resources already to solve it. Compare that to when you were younger and needed your friends to help you through hard times. Back then they were there for you, and you for them. But fast forward 10-30 years and now you don't need each other anymore. Not for anything practical.

No, at an older age, you have your own home, your castle, to retreat to that provides you all the protection you need. No more are you out sharing some dormitory struggling to be warm, comfortable and well fed. No more do you need the companionship of others to meet those daily needs, which is the very stuff of which real friendship is made of. No, now you just "go home" where all your comforts await you, and where you have no essential needs.

I would submit that the reason you (and me, and so many others who've chimed in here) don't have friends like we did in our youth, is because we are safe in our castles and we simply don't NEED anyone else. If you want to develop great friendships, then you probably need to leave home. Sign up for some kind of retreat where you gotta actually share a dorm, kitchen, showers and TV with other people for 2-4 weeks. Share both happy times and miserable times with them. Lose your comfort zone, and THEN you'll experience a change.

Meeting for afternoon tea or coffee just won't cut it.

That's my 2 cents. Cheers.
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Old Dec 19th 2011, 3:21 am
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Default Re: Almost two years on and.........friendships are hard to come by!!!!

I think you have hit the nail on the head,very very true
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Old Dec 19th 2011, 3:57 am
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Default Re: Almost two years on and.........friendships are hard to come by!!!!

Originally Posted by Irish Guinness
I think you have hit the nail on the head,very very true
Absolutely right! I've long thought this was true. As an ex military family for 15 years until 1982, and yes that puts me at a certain age, we have since made only a handful of real friends, mainly neighbours, for the reasons you mention. In the military we were with like minded people, thrown together and with lots in common and meeting on a daily basis. Lasting friendships were made. Having something in common is the key, which is probably why most expats tend to seek each other out when in a foreign country. They have something in common.
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Old Dec 19th 2011, 9:34 am
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Default Re: Almost two years on and.........friendships are hard to come by!!!!

I too totally agree : thumbsup: However, there is always Hope... hope of making a new special connection with someone, wherever you are, whatever nationality, whatever age group, & whatever your're doing...'Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul... & sings the tune without words & never stops... at all-Emily Dickinson
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Old Dec 21st 2011, 8:43 pm
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Default Re: Almost two years on and.........friendships are hard to come by!!!!

I don't agree. I think as adults we don't make friends that easily anymore because our self-protective shell is so strong. As children we were still open, still curious and interested, prepared to be involved and accepting of the good AND bad that comes from friendship.
I still would like to have friends - good friends. The once I can talk to the whole night about everything. The ones I can be open with as a human being and share things. The ones that know my negative side and still like me. I am not a big fan of substituting true communion with "Hi, nice to meet you but please don't bother me with your problems". I also think that as family ties becomes less important friends become more and more important.

I am from Germany and have lived in the US and the UK and now NZ. I have found it a lot easier to make friends in the US and the UK then here.
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Old Dec 21st 2011, 10:27 pm
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Default Re: Almost two years on and.........friendships are hard to come by!!!!

Originally Posted by Assanah
The once I can talk to the whole night about everything.
These are old school/University friends....or 'friends of the family of all ages' who stayed late a lot on Christmas Eve.

Do you think part of the problem is that as an adult you make friends with new people 'because you have both just had a baby', 'because you have both just moved abroad because of OH's job', 'because you lift share to school/your kids are friends'
...with these (expat) people there will be a chemistry which makes it work with them but not with everyone else 'in the same boat' at that particular moment BUT it is very hard for these new friends to 'fit you like a glove' like the old ones - I cannot demand that my new friends agree with me on politics say...the old ones know my views and either share them or we have years of history of 'agreeing to disagree', or our views grow and change.....the new friendships are like treading on eggshells in controversial areas...it takes years to really know someone basically.

For Kiwis in NZ, if they think you won't stay around, I can see why they don't feel the need to make much effort (their circle is already secure and complete and servicing new friends makes budgetary demands). Many people who emigrate find their 'circle' among fellow-expats even if these people have dual NZ/other citizenship by now.
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Old Dec 22nd 2011, 12:16 am
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Default Re: Almost two years on and.........friendships are hard to come by!!!!

All these comments with regards to the difficulty of making friendships in NZ, reminds me of a Kiwi work colleague that returned home to NZ from London back in the eighties.
He had been in London for several years but longed to return home. According to him NZ was fresh,clean and the folk nice and uncomplicated.
Well he went back lasted perhaps three months and returned to London. When I asked him why he returned after giving NZ such a positive rap for so long.He replied that people don't talk to one another over there.He felt sort of lonely. I think he had become more of a Londoner over the years than he acknowledged.

I don't think there is a lot of difference between NZ and Australia or Canada if it comes to that when we speak about social relationships.
Relationships that have a meaning beyond the casual are in the main it would appear difficult to form.
I felt greater depth and maturity in the main in my relationships both in UK and mainland Europe.
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Old Dec 28th 2011, 6:04 am
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Default Re: Almost two years on and.........friendships are hard to come by!!!!

Hi Joan, After reading your post I hope things have got better for you. What part of the UK where you from?? we have been here for just over 5 years now we do love it but the UK will always be home for me. It's were we grew up and what we got used to. We have made some great friends (mostly from the UK) so many on the northshore. If you ever feel like a cuppa drop me a line. Merry Christmas




Originally Posted by Hippygran2
At the end of November we will have been in NZ two years. Whilst basically enjoying life here as a retired couple, we have found it really hard to make new friends here as I am sure loads of people in our position have done before us. We have met & made friends walking our dog on the beach but generally they don't seem to become socialising friends. Don't get me wrong, we have made a few friends we can go for meals with - we are not completely 'Billy-no mates', ha ha!!!

I do voluntary work, go to an international coffee morning regularly, tried a community club for older people, got a flea in my ear and was spoken to like a ten year old by one individual so that put paid to that!!! So we are both not sitting at home waiting for it to happen. Not sure what else to try, not having been in this position before, always had a lovely circle of friends in the UK, of course made over a long period of time.

I wondered if there was any older people out there that had made this amazing journey later in life and how they dealt with it. Would love to hear from anyone who has been there.

Have to say, I feel very lucky to live in such a lovely area so close to great beaches etc.

Cheers

Joan
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Old Dec 28th 2011, 6:52 am
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Default Re: Almost two years on and.........friendships are hard to come by!!!!

Hi Vicci,

I have just sent you a PM.

Joan
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Old Jan 11th 2012, 10:19 am
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Default Re: Almost two years on and.........friendships are hard to come by!!!!

This probably has no relevance what so ever to the OP, but having moved from Manchester in the UK to Cornwall I can safely say that I have encountered exactly the same kind of attitudes amongst the Cornish people as you are saying that the NZ people display.
I was stunned that within the same country there could be such a deep seated resentment towards 'incomers'. Most of my friends here are also 'incomers' and we get along just fine.
I have 6 children which usually helps the integration process along, but the teenagers have encountered exactly the same problems looking for work as I see people on the forum complaining about. Jobs in Cornwall are given out based on who you know, not what you know, the infrastructure is diabolical, the council are at best incompetent, a lot of the locals are extremely racist/homophobic/xenophobic, and the schooling on the whole very substandard. Saying which, we don't lock our doors, the scenery is stunning, the kids have been able to be children for a lot longer than they would in Manchester, and we have a much more relaxed way of life.
I guess what I am trying to say is that you can encounter all these negatives in the UK, but you are more relaxed about it because you feel like you have a right to be there because it is your country - if that makes sense?
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Old Jan 11th 2012, 9:17 pm
  #75  
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Default Re: Almost two years on and.........friendships are hard to come by!!!!

I remember when I moved to the UK 24 years ago being very surprised at how much people at work shared their private lives. Once I got used to it I quite liked it and felt it made the work environment more balanced. However these friendships dissolved the minute you left so whether they were deeper friendships or not is another matter.

Now I am back home I recognise that kiwi's are not so self disclosing as the Brits, and some find the British habit of 'spilling their guts' as one put it, rather uncomfortable. One said to me, 'I know more than I want to about my British neighbour'. This was really thrown into a new light for me when I started working with people born and raised in the Pacific Islands. They are worse than the Brits when discussing personal stuff. The will grill you mercilessly to learn about your private life. It was considered unacceptable that I was single so one lady suggested a nice Tongan man she new. LOL. By the time I finished working with them I knew all about their kid's illnesses, the problems with their spouses, and who was having an affair with whom in the factory. The kiwis I was working with didn't want to discuss these details. Different cultures, different ways of communicating.
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