Walfordnz

Sorry it's a bit of a long one.

It's hard on both sides, telling them we are leaving and for them to process the possibility of us moving miles away. My mum is sad and has said she obviously doesn't want us to go for selfish reasons which is totally understandable, but she gets the reason why we want to and will talk about everything quite openly going through the pros and cons and even said she would have probably done it at our age. OHs mum and dad on the other hand, geese are hard work! His mum is less hard work then his dad. She will send us msgs saying how she misses us and hasn't seen us for a while and guess that she will have to get used to it. OH feels that she's trying to guilt trip him, which he's said it's not going to work and will probably push him away if she continues. But his dad, is being extreamly childish about things. We went round the in laws the other day, expecting the topic to come up. Nothing, until everyone left the room and it was just my father in law and myself in the room. Rudely he turned to me saying "well, what does your mum think of you moving to New Zealand?" I felt put on the spot and was totally unprepared to be answering questions on my own. I replied "I'm not too sure exactly as I haven't seen her yet" (we'd only just landed from returning from nz) where he then done a "hmph, she doesn't even know?" I corected him " oh yes, she knows we just haven't had the chance to have a proper conversation about it all yet" he then just coldly stoped the conversation and continued to watch the tv. The conversation never got brought up for the duration during the rest of our visit at OHs parents. Yesterday was a bit of a break through with his mum, we went out for dinner and we sat at the table having a conversation about it all and she seams to understand, we spoke about his new job role and what new things he will be learning. During the whole conversation his dad did not once look at my husband or I, nor did he seam interested and did not say one thing about it directly to us.
(If OH was telling him about what he done in his current job before this whole move saga, he would have got stuck straight into the conversation) but instead he tossed his napkin on the table in a huff sat back in his chair and looked in any direction but us. OHs sister was out with us (she is extreamly happy for us) his dad leaned in closer to his sister and whispered "why does he bloody want to move there for? I don't know why he wants to move there for." With some emphasis on the he.
I really don't understand why he cornered and question me briefly on the subject and in a group setting didn't discuss it once. I think descussing it directly with us whether he's happy or not is better then it building up inside it may be talking about it openly reduces those feelings. He does have a history of playing games and there has been a major fall out where OHs brother is not in contact with parents and sister but is with us. I never saw any of these issues when I first met my husdband and didn't understand why people thought this of him, but as the years have gone on I've seen it. I have a horrible feeling that he will blame me and say that it's all my fault that we are moving. I have family connections in NZ and may dad passed away there, it's a place very close to my heart. There is a very very big elephant in the room with my father in law and my husband, my husband is concerned that it's going to repeat of previous fall outs. And we really don't want that. As of right now it's not even set in stone that we are going, my husband has a job offer but we haven't even had our medical yet. It's also not a preminant thing either right now and we would be on a WTR visa and will apply for our residency at the 2 year mark and evaluate what we want to do after we have residency. But because he's being stubborn and won't talk about it he probably doesn't even really know this.
How did you deal and approach any parents that behaved in this way. We don't have children yet so we are not even taking any grandchildren away from them. It's making a whole situation more stressful then it already is.

Dorothy

My ex husband and I moved from Toronto to Vancouver for his work 25 years ago. His mother's losing her leg to gangrene a year later was my fault for taking her baby away. Apparently she was too distraught to see a doctor about the fungating sore on her leg.

My ex and I wanted to live OUR life, not hers. Whose life do you and your partner want to live?

MrsFychan

My FIL was always making comments about how the MIL was distraught about us taking the grandchildren and her only son away, obviously when she was not around. I approached her and said it was something her son wanted to try she was living the life she wanted surely we should be allowed to do the same. She in fact was very positive and said she had a chance when she was young to be a 10 pound pom but left it for a man. She also said she had never been to to NZ and now had a great excuse.

neither of you owe anything to your parents and to be perfectly honest if you don't go just because it upsets others then you will always have negative feelings towards those people in the long run will ruin the relationship. If they want to play silly old bugga's just tell them to grow up.

escapedtonz

Wow. That so sounds like our story!
Wife's side of the family were very happy for us. Obviously all sad that we were leaving but all understood why we were doing it.
My family were torn. My mum and step dad were great but my dad, step mum and sister were not. The move did occur after some challenging and troubling times in my life after a bitter divorce and an ex wife who was and probably still is a total b@tch, finding out my 10 year old son actually wasn't of my blood plus a whole host of other crap so that all added to the pressure from that side of my family not to go. In all honesty, their actions through those times just drove me away faster and made me more determined. It's taken a long time to patch up those relationships but I'm glad to say they finally saw the light and we are on speaking terms and my father is planning to visit next Easter even though he swore blind he wouldn't be coming anywhere near EVER!

You cannot live your life to please others. You must do what you feel is right for you and your immediate family. We were strong in our decisions and followed it through. It's taken a while but those who have been selfish have seen the error in their ways and hope to right the wrongs......or so it seems. Only time will tell.

Also remember that times have changed. When people emigrated years ago, that was it. The only correspondence was telegram/letter and nobody ever returned or visited. Parents need to be educated. Bring them up to speed with a smartphone or a laptop/tablet. Show them how to use Skype and Facebook and Whatsapp etc so they can keep in touch when you do leave.

Bloody families....who'd have em!

Bo-Jangles

I can be difficult I know and I guess it's just their way of dealing with things or trying to process their fear and what they see as 'bad news'. It's quite common for our families to go through the universal cycle of grief with the effects of emigration being high up there with other life changing events, such as deaths and breakup of relationships. Denial, anger, bargaining all coming into play before they can accept the situation.

Unfortunately it is usually the other half that becomes the target and focus of the 'blame' for the potential loss of their son / daughter - it makes it easier for them process the idea of someone such as the wife as being the baddie, rather than seeing their child leave them by his own choice.

BEVS

Erm.

Talk to each other.

Bumptious

And of course it may well happen to many of you that have children here in New Zealand, they will probably move away at some stage and might not choose to stay in this fair land. My mother emigrated from southern Europe when she was a teen to UK, I came here when I was 22 on my own to have a look and ended up staying - she said she's never got over it ha ha but I used to remind her that she did exactly the same thing. Anyway when I married a local she kind of calmed down a bit because she realised I wasn't coming back. You have to do what is best for you and your family - as others have said it's your life! (my mother in law was an only child and moved to NZ with her husband back in 1964 as a young couple with a toddler and newborn, her parents never stopped her or made her feel guilty).

Walfordnz

Thanks for all your messages. I spoke to my husband about it all and he went round his parents on his own and had a chat with them. His mum is pretty cool with it and is looking forward to visiting us for her 60th and Christmas if we do go. His dad is still not happy but I think OH has broken the ice on the subject explain why we want to go and that his dad can come and talk about it at any time. We found out why he's not really happy with it, and that's because he said Hes got one son that doesn't want to know him,(parents fell out with son years ago. Must have been bad as the parent haven't even met the grandchildren) a daughter that he only gets to see her when her fiancé says so, (parents had big fall out with sisters fiancé) and now one that's leaving the country. We are the only two that haven't had an argument and fallen out with them. Which all these fall outs aren't our fault, maybe us leaving will want them to rebuild these relationships. But any way Have got some where and hopefully he now feels he can communicate with us whether it's good or bad.

Mightymurph

No matter what you do, where you do it, someone will feel betrayed or upset about so many decisions in both your lives.
But I've personally found that these feelings are short lived.

I say give it time. When they see how happy you are they will come round.

BEVS

See. Talking works.

With the rebuild relationship thing. It takes two to tango. Both in the falling out and int he bridge built.

I will add here that parents are not 'someone'. They are mostly the people that love you the most in your life. It is for you to value them & it is perfectly fine for them to mourn their loss.

Mightymurph

This is really true but I have very close and oldest friends who are having a harder time accepting my plans than my parents.
Friends who are more like family than family are.

Every parent is different even when they seem to have the same opinions.