malcoltom

There is a man and his name is Bubba. Bubba has three daughters. Their names are Betty, Flo, and Luck. One Friday night Bubba was sitting and watching TV when the doorbell rang. So he got up and answered it. When he did there was a goodlooking nice man standing in front of him. Bubba asked him what he wanted and the young man replied "Hi my name is Eddie, I’m here to pick up Betty, we’re going for spagetti, is she ready?" Bubba called Betty downstairs and told her to have a good time. Bubba went and sat down to start watching TV again when the doorbell rang a second time. This time when Bubba answered it and asked what the man wanted the man replied "Hi my name is Joe, I’m here to pick up Flo, we’re going to the show is she ready to go?" Bubba called his daughter Flo downstairs and told her to have a good night. Bubba went and sat back down and the doorbell rang one last time. This time when he opened the door to ask the man what he wanted the man replied "Hi my name is Chuck, I’m here to pick up Luck" Well Bubba didn’t even let him finish his sentence....Bubba shot him.

malcoltom

A farmer hires a college student one summer to help around the farm. At the end of the summer the farmer says, "Son, since you have done such a fine job here this summer, I am going to throw a party for you." The college guy says, "Right on, thanks a lot man." So the farmer says, "Well you better be able to handle a few beers because there will be lotsa drinkn' going on." College guy "Hey, I can drink just as much as anyone else so I should do just fine." Farmer "There is also going to be a lot of fightn' so I hope you are ready." College guy "I have been working hard all summer and I think I am in pretty good shape." Farmer says, "Well, did I mention that there will be lotsa sex?" College guy "Good. I have been out here all summer and I have been dying for some action. What should I wear to this party?" Farmer says, "I don't care it's just going to be me and you."

dreamfish

Pilot to tower .. . pilot to tower . . I am 300 miles from land . .600 feet over water .. . and running out of fuel . . please instruct!
Tower to pilot .. . tower to pilot . .. repeat after me: "Our Father, which art in heaven . . ."

banshigirl

Very Good!

dreamfish

What's the definition of mixed emotions? When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new Mercedes.

malcoltom

Sometimes when you cry, no-one sees your tears. Sometimes when you are sad, no-one feels the pain. Sometimes when you are happy, there is no-one to share your joy but just try farting in public and see all the attention you get then.

welshwales

A Pakistani Ambassador to the UN just finished giving a speech, and walks out into the lobby where he met President Bush. They shook hands and walked
together in the long verandah when suddenly the Pakistani said, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America."

President Bush says "Well your Excellency, anything I can do to help you, I will do."

The Pakistani whispers, "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there are Russians, and Blacks, Chinese, Japanese and Indians but never any
Pakistani, Afghani or Arabs. So my son is very upset. He doesn't understand nor do I about why there aren't any Arabs, Pakistanis, and Afghanis in the Star Trek show."

President Bush laughs and leans toward the Pakistani, and whispers in his ear, "Because... the show is all about the future."

welshwales

Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.

The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit


Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Stuart: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets
the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet.

On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.


Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him.

Dave: - 'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession


Dave: - Oh? What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at
home?

Dave: - Er ... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a pond??

pond. Which is it?

Dave: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden
then?

Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you have
a large garden then you have a large house?

Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house ... built it myself!


Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it's logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are
quite probably married? And with a family?

Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?


Dave: - Yep! Five times a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you don't masturbate very often?


Dave: - Do what? Not me, mate!

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Dave: - How's that then?


Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!

Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive. Thanks mate!


Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.

Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Stuart: - What's that then?


Dave: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Stuart: - Nope

Dave: - Well then, you're a W*****

welshwales

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.
After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."

The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.

"Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"



how true is that

welshwales

ONIONS AND CHRISTMAS TREES



A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions"

"Onions?"

"Yes, they make you cry, when you remember how they were"

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50's and 60's, it is like a Christmas tree"

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes - dead from the roots up and the balls are just for decoration."

welshwales

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
'I'd love to be eight again' she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he arose early and made her a bowl of Coco Pops and jammy toasties!

He took her to Alton Towers and put her on every ride in the park:
* The Death Slide
* The Wall of Fear
* The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away they journeyed to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milk shake . Then it was off to the movies: the latest Kiddies three hour epic cartoon, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lolly and M&Ms What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked 'Well dear, what was it like being eight again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression changed to one of total realization...'I meant my dress size, you bloody idiot !!!'
The moral of this story: Even when a man is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong...

malcoltom

A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter...
Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him. "Irving, you know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"
"Irving, remember that new car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"
"Irving, that emerald necklace you promised me? I bought it, too, with the insurance money."
Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving, remember that blow job I promised you? Here it comes.

malcoltom

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life
between the legs of me wife!'
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night'
She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?'
John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'
'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'
She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the
last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'

malcoltom

Paddy was in New York .
He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.
He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'

malcoltom

Two morons stand on a cliff with their arms outstretched. One has some budgies lined up on each arm, the other has parrots lined up on his arms.
After a couple of minutes, they both leap off the cliff and fall to the ground.
Laying next to each other in intensive care at the hospital, one moron says to the other, "I don't think much of this budgie jumping."
The other moron replies, "Yeah, I'm not too keen on this paragliding either."