just some fun..
Jun 17th 2007, 7:48 pm
#16
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Thread Starter
Joined: May 2007
Location: tauranga
Posts: 185
Re: just some fun..
George Bush has just died. Obviously, he goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him. "I'm not sure what to do," says the devil. "You're on my list, but I have no room for you. As you definitely have to stay here I'm going to have to let someone else go.
I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves." George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over. Such was his fate in hell.
"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil then led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time.
"No!" I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented George.
The devil then opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said,
"Yeah, OK, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said ... "OK, Monica, you're free to go!"
I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves." George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over. Such was his fate in hell.
"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil then led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time.
"No!" I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented George.
The devil then opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said,
"Yeah, OK, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said ... "OK, Monica, you're free to go!"
Jun 17th 2007, 7:54 pm
#17
Forum Regular
Thread Starter
Joined: May 2007
Location: tauranga
Posts: 185
Re: just some fun..
Before it was sorry to mancs now sorry to scoucers not
An Irishman, an Australian and a Scouser are sat in a pub enjoying a drink
together.
They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.
He's so familiar, and not recognizing him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs:
"My God, it's Jesus!"
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a
bottle
of Newcastle Brown Ale.
Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the
pints
slowly, one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the
Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement:
"My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets
go, the man's eyes widen in shock.
"Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a
miracle."
Jesus then approaches the Scouser, who knocks over a chair and a table in
trying to get away from the Son of God.
"What's wrong my son?" says Jesus.
The Scouser shouts, "F*** off, I'm on disability benefit!"
notAn Irishman, an Australian and a Scouser are sat in a pub enjoying a drink
together.
They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.
He's so familiar, and not recognizing him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs:
"My God, it's Jesus!"
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a
bottle
of Newcastle Brown Ale.
Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the
pints
slowly, one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the
Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement:
"My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets
go, the man's eyes widen in shock.
"Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a
miracle."
Jesus then approaches the Scouser, who knocks over a chair and a table in
trying to get away from the Son of God.
"What's wrong my son?" says Jesus.
The Scouser shouts, "F*** off, I'm on disability benefit!"
Jun 17th 2007, 7:56 pm
#18
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Thread Starter
Joined: May 2007
Location: tauranga
Posts: 185
Re: just some fun..
And one for all you ozzies 
An Australian guy is travelling around the Greek Islands.
He walks into a bar and, by chance, is served by an Australian Barmaid. As she takes his order, a Foster's, she notices his accent.
Over the course of the evening they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place. Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 to sleep with him.
As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she agrees.
The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. She remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.
This goes on for 5 nights.
On the 6th night the guy comes in again, orders Fosters but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention then, maybe she can shake some more cash out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him.
She asks him where he's from in Australia. - "Melbourne", he tells her.
"So am I. What suburb?" she enquires.
"Glen Iris" he replies.
"That's amazing........." she says excitedly, "..........so am I - what street?"
"Cameo Street" he replies.
"This is unbelievable........." she says, her voice quavering. "What number?"
"Number 20", he replies.
She is totally astonished. "You are NOT going to believe this..." she screams, "but I'm from number 22! My parents still live there!"
"I know..." he says, "Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you"
HE WHO DRINKS AUSTRALIAN, THINKS AUSTRALIAN
An Australian guy is travelling around the Greek Islands.
He walks into a bar and, by chance, is served by an Australian Barmaid. As she takes his order, a Foster's, she notices his accent.
Over the course of the evening they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place. Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 to sleep with him.
As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she agrees.
The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. She remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.
This goes on for 5 nights.
On the 6th night the guy comes in again, orders Fosters but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention then, maybe she can shake some more cash out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him.
She asks him where he's from in Australia. - "Melbourne", he tells her.
"So am I. What suburb?" she enquires.
"Glen Iris" he replies.
"That's amazing........." she says excitedly, "..........so am I - what street?"
"Cameo Street" he replies.
"This is unbelievable........." she says, her voice quavering. "What number?"
"Number 20", he replies.
She is totally astonished. "You are NOT going to believe this..." she screams, "but I'm from number 22! My parents still live there!"
"I know..." he says, "Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you"
HE WHO DRINKS AUSTRALIAN, THINKS AUSTRALIAN
Jun 17th 2007, 7:58 pm
#19
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Thread Starter
Joined: May 2007
Location: tauranga
Posts: 185
Re: just some fun..
Dont tell me i'm the only one with jokes....
Jun 17th 2007, 8:13 pm
#21
Forum Regular
Thread Starter
Joined: May 2007
Location: tauranga
Posts: 185
Re: just some fun..
Real answers given on British quiz shows
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoigne : What was Ghandi's first name?
Contestant : Goosey, Goosey?
THE WEAKEST LINK
Anne Robinson : In traffic, what "J" is where two roads meet?
Contestant : Jool carriageway.
Anne Robinson : Which Italian city is overlooked by Vesuvius?
Contestant : Bombay
Anne Robinson : What insect is commonly found hovering above lakes?
Contestant : Crocodiles.
Anne Robinson : Wh...?
Contestant (interrupting) : Pass!
Anne Robinson : In olden times, what were minstrels, travelling entertainers or chocolate salesmen?
Contestant : Chocolate salesmen.
Anne Robinson : The Bible, the New Testament. The Four Gospels were written by Matthew, Mark, Luke and...?
Contestant : (long pause) Joe?
Anne Robinson : Who was a famous Indian leader, whose name begins with G, revered by millions, who was assassinated and received a state funeral?
Contestant : Geronimo!
NATIONAL LOTTERY JET SET
Eamonn Holmes : What's the name of the playwright commonly known by the initials G.B.S.?
Contestant : William Shakespeare.
CHRIS SEARLE SHOW, BBC BRISTOL
Searle : In which European country is Mount Etna ?
Caller : Japan
Searle : I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller : Er... Mexico ?
FAMILY FORTUNES
1 ) Something a blind man might use? - A Sword
2 ) A song with the word Moon in the title? - Blue Suede Moon
3 ) Name the capital of France ? - F
4 ) Name a bird with a long Neck? - Naomi Campbell
5 ) Name an occupation where you might need a torch? - A burglar
6 ) Where is the Taj Mahal? - Opposite the Dental Hospital
7 ) What is Hitler's first name? - Heil
8 ) A famous Scotsman? - Jock
9 ) Some famous brothers? - Bonnie and Clyde
10 ) A dangerous race? - The Arabs
11 ) Something that floats in a bath? - Water
12 ) An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers? - A horse
13 ) Something you wear on a beach? - A deckchair
14 ) A famous Royal? - Mail
15 ) Something that flies that doesn't have an engine? - A bicycle with wings
16 ) A famous bridge? - The Bridge Over Troubled Waters
17 ) Something a cat does? - Goes to the toilet
18 ) Something you do in the bathroom? - Decorate
19 ) A method of securing your home? - Put the kettle on
20 ) Something associated with pigs? - The Police
21 ) A sign of the Zodiac? - April
22 ) Something people might be allergic to? - Skiing
23 ) Something you do before you go to bed? - Sleep
24 ) Something you put on walls? - A roof
25 ) Something slippery? - A conman
26 ) A kind of ache? - A fillet of fish
27 ) A jacket potato topping? - Jam
28 ) A food that can be brown or white? - A potato
29 ) Something sold by gypsies? - Bananas
30 ) Something red? - My sweater
RADIO LINCS PHONE-IN
Presenter : Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant : Barcelona .
Presenter : I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant : I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain .
STEVE WRIGHT SHOW, RADIO 2
Wright : On which continent would you find the River Danube?
Contestant : India .
Wright : What is the Italian word for motorway?
Contestant : Espresso.
Wright : What is the capital of Australia ? And it's not Sydney
Contestant : Sydney
THIS MORNING
Judy Finnegan : The American TV show 'The Sopranos' is about opera. True or false?
Contestant : True?
Judy Finnegan : No, actually, it's about the Mafia. But it is an American TV show,so I'll give you that.
BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE
Paul Wappat : How long did the Six Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause) : Fourteen days.
BOB HOPE BIRTHDAY QUIZ, LBC
Presenter : Bob Hope was the fifth of how many sons?
Contestant : Four
BBC GMR, PHIL WOOD SHOW
Wood : What "K" could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant : Er...
Wood : It's got two syllables... Kor...
Contestant : Blimey?
Wood : Ha ha ha ha no. The past participle of run...
Contestant : (Silence)
Wood : OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I...
Contestant : Walked?
DARYL'S DRIVETIME, VIRGIN RADIO
Daryl Denham : In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant : Holland ?
Daryl Denham : Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant : Iceland ? Ireland ?
Daryl Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
Contestant : No.
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoigne : What was Ghandi's first name?
Contestant : Goosey, Goosey?
THE WEAKEST LINK
Anne Robinson : In traffic, what "J" is where two roads meet?
Contestant : Jool carriageway.
Anne Robinson : Which Italian city is overlooked by Vesuvius?
Contestant : Bombay
Anne Robinson : What insect is commonly found hovering above lakes?
Contestant : Crocodiles.
Anne Robinson : Wh...?
Contestant (interrupting) : Pass!
Anne Robinson : In olden times, what were minstrels, travelling entertainers or chocolate salesmen?
Contestant : Chocolate salesmen.
Anne Robinson : The Bible, the New Testament. The Four Gospels were written by Matthew, Mark, Luke and...?
Contestant : (long pause) Joe?
Anne Robinson : Who was a famous Indian leader, whose name begins with G, revered by millions, who was assassinated and received a state funeral?
Contestant : Geronimo!
NATIONAL LOTTERY JET SET
Eamonn Holmes : What's the name of the playwright commonly known by the initials G.B.S.?
Contestant : William Shakespeare.
CHRIS SEARLE SHOW, BBC BRISTOL
Searle : In which European country is Mount Etna ?
Caller : Japan
Searle : I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller : Er... Mexico ?
FAMILY FORTUNES
1 ) Something a blind man might use? - A Sword
2 ) A song with the word Moon in the title? - Blue Suede Moon
3 ) Name the capital of France ? - F
4 ) Name a bird with a long Neck? - Naomi Campbell
5 ) Name an occupation where you might need a torch? - A burglar
6 ) Where is the Taj Mahal? - Opposite the Dental Hospital
7 ) What is Hitler's first name? - Heil
8 ) A famous Scotsman? - Jock
9 ) Some famous brothers? - Bonnie and Clyde
10 ) A dangerous race? - The Arabs
11 ) Something that floats in a bath? - Water
12 ) An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers? - A horse
13 ) Something you wear on a beach? - A deckchair
14 ) A famous Royal? - Mail
15 ) Something that flies that doesn't have an engine? - A bicycle with wings
16 ) A famous bridge? - The Bridge Over Troubled Waters
17 ) Something a cat does? - Goes to the toilet
18 ) Something you do in the bathroom? - Decorate
19 ) A method of securing your home? - Put the kettle on
20 ) Something associated with pigs? - The Police
21 ) A sign of the Zodiac? - April
22 ) Something people might be allergic to? - Skiing
23 ) Something you do before you go to bed? - Sleep
24 ) Something you put on walls? - A roof
25 ) Something slippery? - A conman
26 ) A kind of ache? - A fillet of fish
27 ) A jacket potato topping? - Jam
28 ) A food that can be brown or white? - A potato
29 ) Something sold by gypsies? - Bananas
30 ) Something red? - My sweater
RADIO LINCS PHONE-IN
Presenter : Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant : Barcelona .
Presenter : I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant : I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain .
STEVE WRIGHT SHOW, RADIO 2
Wright : On which continent would you find the River Danube?
Contestant : India .
Wright : What is the Italian word for motorway?
Contestant : Espresso.
Wright : What is the capital of Australia ? And it's not Sydney
Contestant : Sydney
THIS MORNING
Judy Finnegan : The American TV show 'The Sopranos' is about opera. True or false?
Contestant : True?
Judy Finnegan : No, actually, it's about the Mafia. But it is an American TV show,so I'll give you that.
BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE
Paul Wappat : How long did the Six Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause) : Fourteen days.
BOB HOPE BIRTHDAY QUIZ, LBC
Presenter : Bob Hope was the fifth of how many sons?
Contestant : Four
BBC GMR, PHIL WOOD SHOW
Wood : What "K" could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant : Er...
Wood : It's got two syllables... Kor...
Contestant : Blimey?
Wood : Ha ha ha ha no. The past participle of run...
Contestant : (Silence)
Wood : OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I...
Contestant : Walked?
DARYL'S DRIVETIME, VIRGIN RADIO
Daryl Denham : In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant : Holland ?
Daryl Denham : Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant : Iceland ? Ireland ?
Daryl Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
Contestant : No.
Jun 17th 2007, 8:22 pm
#22
Forum Regular
Thread Starter
Joined: May 2007
Location: tauranga
Posts: 185
Re: just some fun..
The following letters are taken from an actual incident between a London
hotel and one of its guests last year. The hotel ended up submitting the
letters to the Sunday Times.
Dear Maid, Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in> my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Imperial Leather.
Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the
medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my
way. Thank you, S. Berman
-------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Room 635, I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow,
Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower
soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your
way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change
your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my
instructions from the management are to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this
is satisfactory. Kathy, Relief Maid
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Maid I hope you are my regular maid. Apparently Kathy did not tell
you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening, I found you had added 3 little Camays to
the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel
for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Imperial Leather, so I
won't need those 6 little Camays, which are on the shelf. They are in
the way when shaving, brushing teeth etc. Please remove them. S. Berman
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr Berman, The assistant manager, Mr Kensedder, informed me this
morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with
your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you
will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any
future complaints, please contact me so I can give it my personal
attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you. Elaine
Carmen Housekeeper -----------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Miss Carmen, It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave
the hotel for business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6.00
PM. That's the reason I called Mr Kensedder last night. You were already
off duty. I only asked Mr Kensedder if he could do anything about those
little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I
was a new check in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in
my medicine cabinet, along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the
bathroom shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of
soap. Why are you doing this to me? S. Berman
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr Berman, Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering
soap to your room and to remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further
assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8 AM and 5 PM. Thank you,
Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr Kensedder, My bath-size Imperial Leather is missing. Every bar
of soap was taken from my room, including my own bath-size Imperial Leather. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets. S. Berman
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr Berman, I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your
soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they
service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please
accept my apologies for the inconvenience. Martin L. Kensedder Assistant
Manager
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mrs Carmen, Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I
came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Imperial
Leather. Do you realise I have 54 bars of soap in here? All I want is my
bath-size Imperial Leather. Please give me back my bath-size Imperial> Leather. S. Berman
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr Berman, You complained of too much soap in your room, so I had
them removed. Then you complained to Mr Kensedder that all your soap was missing, so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been
taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know
anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did
not know I had returned your soaps, so she also brought 24 Camays plus
the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel
issues bath-size Imperial Leather. I was able to locate some bath-size
Ivory which I left in your room. Elaine Carmen Housekeeper
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mrs Carmen, Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest
soap inventory. As of today I possess:
* On the shelf under the medicine cabinet -18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and
1 stack of 2.
* On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
* On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4
hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
* Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of
2.
* In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
* On the northeast corner of the tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly
used.
* On the northwest corner of the tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3. Please
ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly
piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4
have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not
in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One
more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-size Imperial Leather,
which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further
misunderstandings. S. Berman
hotel and one of its guests last year. The hotel ended up submitting the
letters to the Sunday Times.
Dear Maid, Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in> my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Imperial Leather.
Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the
medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my
way. Thank you, S. Berman
-------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Room 635, I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow,
Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower
soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your
way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change
your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my
instructions from the management are to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this
is satisfactory. Kathy, Relief Maid
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Maid I hope you are my regular maid. Apparently Kathy did not tell
you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening, I found you had added 3 little Camays to
the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel
for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Imperial Leather, so I
won't need those 6 little Camays, which are on the shelf. They are in
the way when shaving, brushing teeth etc. Please remove them. S. Berman
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr Berman, The assistant manager, Mr Kensedder, informed me this
morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with
your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you
will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any
future complaints, please contact me so I can give it my personal
attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you. Elaine
Carmen Housekeeper -----------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Miss Carmen, It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave
the hotel for business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6.00
PM. That's the reason I called Mr Kensedder last night. You were already
off duty. I only asked Mr Kensedder if he could do anything about those
little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I
was a new check in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in
my medicine cabinet, along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the
bathroom shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of
soap. Why are you doing this to me? S. Berman
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr Berman, Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering
soap to your room and to remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further
assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8 AM and 5 PM. Thank you,
Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr Kensedder, My bath-size Imperial Leather is missing. Every bar
of soap was taken from my room, including my own bath-size Imperial Leather. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets. S. Berman
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr Berman, I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your
soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they
service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please
accept my apologies for the inconvenience. Martin L. Kensedder Assistant
Manager
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mrs Carmen, Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I
came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Imperial
Leather. Do you realise I have 54 bars of soap in here? All I want is my
bath-size Imperial Leather. Please give me back my bath-size Imperial> Leather. S. Berman
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr Berman, You complained of too much soap in your room, so I had
them removed. Then you complained to Mr Kensedder that all your soap was missing, so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been
taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know
anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did
not know I had returned your soaps, so she also brought 24 Camays plus
the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel
issues bath-size Imperial Leather. I was able to locate some bath-size
Ivory which I left in your room. Elaine Carmen Housekeeper
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mrs Carmen, Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest
soap inventory. As of today I possess:
* On the shelf under the medicine cabinet -18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and
1 stack of 2.
* On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
* On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4
hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
* Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of
2.
* In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
* On the northeast corner of the tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly
used.
* On the northwest corner of the tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3. Please
ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly
piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4
have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not
in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One
more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-size Imperial Leather,
which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further
misunderstandings. S. Berman
Jun 17th 2007, 8:25 pm
#23
Forum Regular
Thread Starter
Joined: May 2007
Location: tauranga
Posts: 185
Re: just some fun..
LESSONS TO LEARN 
A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?" says the 7 year old, "I think it's
about time we started swearing."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 7 year old says "When we go downstairs for
breakfast I'm going to swear first, then you swear after me, OK?"
"Ok" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7
year old what he wants for breakfast.
"Oh, shit mum, I s'pose I'll have some Coco Pops"
WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the
kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern
voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I dunno," he blubbers, "but it won't be *****ing Coco Pops."
A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?" says the 7 year old, "I think it's
about time we started swearing."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 7 year old says "When we go downstairs for
breakfast I'm going to swear first, then you swear after me, OK?"
"Ok" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7
year old what he wants for breakfast.
"Oh, shit mum, I s'pose I'll have some Coco Pops"
WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the
kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern
voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I dunno," he blubbers, "but it won't be *****ing Coco Pops."
Jun 17th 2007, 8:35 pm
#24
Forum Regular
Thread Starter
Joined: May 2007
Location: tauranga
Posts: 185
Re: just some fun..
Apologies for the language !!!
Postman Pats last day
It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the post
through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at
the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there,who
all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque
for £50.
At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in an18-carat gold
box.
The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old Scotch whisky.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie.
She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where
she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the dumb blonde
fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, tomatoes, bacon,sausage, beans and
freshly-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.As she was pouring, he noticed a five pound note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words,"he said,"but what's the fiver for?" Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you I asked him what to give you. He said, "**** him....Give him a fiver." "The breakfast was my idea."
Postman Pats last day
It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the post
through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at
the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there,who
all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque
for £50.
At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in an18-carat gold
box.
The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old Scotch whisky.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie.
She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where
she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the dumb blonde
fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, tomatoes, bacon,sausage, beans and
freshly-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.As she was pouring, he noticed a five pound note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words,"he said,"but what's the fiver for?" Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you I asked him what to give you. He said, "**** him....Give him a fiver." "The breakfast was my idea."
Jun 17th 2007, 8:36 pm
#25
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Jan 2007
Location: Hawkes Bay
Posts: 1,303
Re: just some fun..
A message about product marketing...
ACTUAL LETTER TO PROCTOR & GAMBLE
Attention: James Thatcher, Brand Manager, Proctor & Gamble, Feminine Hygiene Division
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core (tm) or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.
But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from ’the curse’? I’m guessing you haven’t. Well, my ’time of the month’ is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through me. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what my husband likes to call ’an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.’ Isn’t the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager of Proctor & Gamble’s Feminine Hygiene Division, you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers’ monthly visits from ’Aunt Flo’.
Therefore, you must be well aware of the bloating, puffiness, and and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it’s a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend’s testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey’s Anatomy was written by drunken chimps.
Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words:
’Have a Happy Period.’
Are you f**king kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness actual smiling, laughing, happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M freak-girl, there will never be anything ’happy’ about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don’t march down to the local Walmart armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say something that’s actually pertinent, like ’Put Down the Hammer’ or ’Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong’, or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, as I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that’s a promise I will keep
....Always.
Best Regards,
Wendi Aarons
Austin, Texas
ACTUAL LETTER TO PROCTOR & GAMBLE
Attention: James Thatcher, Brand Manager, Proctor & Gamble, Feminine Hygiene Division
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core (tm) or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.
But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from ’the curse’? I’m guessing you haven’t. Well, my ’time of the month’ is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through me. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what my husband likes to call ’an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.’ Isn’t the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager of Proctor & Gamble’s Feminine Hygiene Division, you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers’ monthly visits from ’Aunt Flo’.
Therefore, you must be well aware of the bloating, puffiness, and and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it’s a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend’s testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey’s Anatomy was written by drunken chimps.
Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words:
’Have a Happy Period.’
Are you f**king kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness actual smiling, laughing, happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M freak-girl, there will never be anything ’happy’ about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don’t march down to the local Walmart armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say something that’s actually pertinent, like ’Put Down the Hammer’ or ’Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong’, or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, as I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that’s a promise I will keep
....Always.
Best Regards,
Wendi Aarons
Austin, Texas
Jun 17th 2007, 9:50 pm
#26
It Was Here This Morning
Joined: Apr 2007
Location: PAIGNTON, DEVON, UK
Posts: 210
Re: just some fun..
Bloke goes for a job on a building site:
Foreman: How many bricks can you lay??
Newbie:About 300 a day.
Foreman: Can you make tea??.
Newbie:Aye.
Foreman: Can you drive a forklift??
Newbie: ***** Me how big is the Teapot.
Foreman: How many bricks can you lay??
Newbie:About 300 a day.
Foreman: Can you make tea??.
Newbie:Aye.
Foreman: Can you drive a forklift??
Newbie: ***** Me how big is the Teapot.
Jun 17th 2007, 9:58 pm
#27
Forum Regular
Thread Starter
Joined: May 2007
Location: tauranga
Posts: 185
Re: just some fun..
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently
saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could
think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back
John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and angrier and even ruder.
John in his desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and
put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the bird squawked, kicked and screamed. Then
suddenly there was total quiet.
Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot,
John quickly opened the door of the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said,
"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful of my inappropriate transgressions and I
fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior ".
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior.
The bird continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently
saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could
think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back
John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and angrier and even ruder.
John in his desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and
put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the bird squawked, kicked and screamed. Then
suddenly there was total quiet.
Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot,
John quickly opened the door of the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said,
"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful of my inappropriate transgressions and I
fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior ".
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior.
The bird continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"
Jun 17th 2007, 10:04 pm
#28
Forum Regular
Thread Starter
Joined: May 2007
Location: tauranga
Posts: 185
Re: just some fun..
NOTICE TO ALL EMPLOYEES Company Policy: Effective from January
2006
Dress Code It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your
salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we
assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so
that you buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and
therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days We will no longer accept a doctors statement as proof of
sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Annual Leave Days Each employee will receive 104 Annual Leave days a year.
They are called Saturday & Sunday.
Bereavement Leave This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing
you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort
should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements.
In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral
should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you
to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Toilet Use Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is
now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three
minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the
stall door will open, and a picture will be taken.
After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the Chronic offenders category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat
more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes
for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time
needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,insinuations,
allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation
and input should be directed elsewhere.
2006
Dress Code It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your
salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we
assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so
that you buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and
therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days We will no longer accept a doctors statement as proof of
sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Annual Leave Days Each employee will receive 104 Annual Leave days a year.
They are called Saturday & Sunday.
Bereavement Leave This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing
you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort
should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements.
In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral
should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you
to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Toilet Use Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is
now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three
minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the
stall door will open, and a picture will be taken.
After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the Chronic offenders category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat
more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes
for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time
needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,insinuations,
allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation
and input should be directed elsewhere.
Jun 17th 2007, 10:10 pm
#29
Forum Regular
Thread Starter
Joined: May 2007
Location: tauranga
Posts: 185
Re: just some fun..
And they keep coming..
A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was
Re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry
Passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the
Counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I am sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but,
I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers
Behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address
Microphone, "May I have your attention please, " she began, her voice
Heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14
WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity,
Please come to Gate 14. "
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared
At the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "F*** You!".
Without flinching, she smiled and said, I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in
Line for that too.
..A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was
Re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry
Passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the
Counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I am sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but,
I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers
Behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address
Microphone, "May I have your attention please, " she began, her voice
Heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14
WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity,
Please come to Gate 14. "
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared
At the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "F*** You!".
Without flinching, she smiled and said, I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in
Line for that too.
Jun 17th 2007, 10:16 pm
#30
Forum Regular
Thread Starter
Joined: May 2007
Location: tauranga
Posts: 185
Re: just some fun..
Fred and Mary got married but couldn't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's Mum and Dad's place for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny , Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mum if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, "No".
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mum replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mum, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
She replies, "No."
Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
His mum replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
His mum says, "No."
He asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mum replies, "Ok, now tell me what you think?"
He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my model aeroplane glue.
In the morning, Johnny , Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mum if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, "No".
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mum replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mum, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
She replies, "No."
Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
His mum replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
His mum says, "No."
He asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mum replies, "Ok, now tell me what you think?"
He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my model aeroplane glue.