LauraNotts

If you are not happy then you are completely right to seek change. At least with how long you've been here you can always keep your options open.

Fitting in is a weird one. I remember being at home in a pub on my last visit home (maybe 2 years ish ago) and being aware of just how EASY it felt to hang out with my friends and their friends who I barely knew. All those little cultural short cuts that you know instinctively without trying were suddenly obvious to me because I knew they worked in the UK but sometimes fell flat over here.

NZ is definitely different - not better or worse just different. I don't think I notice it so much now. I can wander into work and have a long conversation about how the rugby went and have good banter with my workmates but I do remember when that took work and was very tiring.

MrsFychan

seriously don't think thats a hard decision. If he is as selfish as he sounds to not even consider your feelings he really is not the one. move on, do what you need to do or you will resent your life and him and it will just bring heartache for longer.

Gordon Barlow

It's an individual thing, though. When my wife and I first returned to our respective homes in Oz (many years ago, after some years away), we found our old friends very hard to connect with. We were bubbling with news of what we'd done and (even less acceptable) where we'd done it, and they were bubbling with last week's TV episodes. We found that the expression "You can't go home again" fit our situations to a tee. The only people we had anything in common with on our return, were fellow expats or ex-expats. We find the same thing in England, too.

Kotare

Really? Now reverse the situation from his perspective. But you may be right if they consider where they live more important than the relationship it doesn't sound good.

Sparkleydiva

I would agree, you move on and have different experiences/expectations/interests when you have lived overseas - hence our return to the UK will not be back to where we were from originally. New horizons, even if they are British ones.

scrubbedexpat094

So thank you for all your replies, they have been most interesting to read and to gain some other views. Most helpful.
Firstly I should point out that I have been on and off anti-depressants for a long time now. I suffer with Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), which was generally worse in the UK winter than the NZ equivalent. However I could come off my anti-depressants in April in the UK and know when I needed them again. Here I'm on them year round. I have also suffered from depression following treatment for infertility and a miscarriage. being childless is an underlying sadness that we will both carry with us forever. So it's not exactly NZ's fault that I'm on them, just that they rarely seem to help here and I've been on different drugs in an effort to get some respite.

Not all my 9 years here have been unhappy, I've had periods of feeling settled and positive about living here but they always pass. Like Sparkleydiva, I don't want to die here.

I did finally pluck up the courage to tell my DH how I felt the other week, initially he didn't take it too well but I know he loves me and doesn't want me to be unhappy. He knows I've given it a damn good go this time around - we first came out separately in 2005, him first then me. I hated it, lasted 11 weeks and then we went home! That was more a homesickness thing I think. We returned 20 months later with me having a more realistic idea of what I was coming to. We said we'd give it 2 years and the go home if I still wasn't happy. Those first 2 years with the odd blip were okay. DH was very unhappy back in the UK on that first occasion and I hated putting him through that. I suppose that impacts on how I feel about doing that to him again.

Anyway he's coming around slowly I think. I know he would rather be with me in the UK than without me here but I don't want to force him into anything. It has to be his decision. I'm also slightly worried that I might not be making the right decision for myself. I've lost a huge amount of self-confidence in the past 7 years and it was never high to start with

Pom_Chch, what a lovely thing to say. I can be a bit of a bitch when I want though
I have been back to the UK 3 times now, The last trip was on my own for a month 2 years ago. I had a fabulous time visiting my friends, going to proper shops and pubs it was heavenly. I did miss DH though, but it was great that he couldn't curtail my spending habits whilst away !
We are going to Europe in a few weeks time and will spend 12 nights in the UK, 4 in London doing the touristy stuff and the head to St.Helens for 8 nights of torture with my parents!!! They are both in their 80's and not in the best of health, so need to see how the land lies there. So I won't have as much chance to catch up with my mates in Derby/Burton sadly. I have very few friends left in St.Helens, they all buggered off as soon as they could.

I'd never go back to St.Helens to live and probably wouldn't want to return to live in Staffs again though I loved it there and our house that we sold 11 years ago....sob!

I'm happy with giving it another year here as we need to spend some time doing up some areas of the house and garden. OH is helping with throwing stuff out which shows me that he may be coming round to the idea of going. I might as well try to do an RTP here in the meantime Sparkley, it will help with moving costs etc. Plus I'd like to go to Aitutaki one more time and we can't afford to do that this year.

OH knows that I'm open to living in another country for a few years if the plan is to head home eventually, so I would consider Dubai, Singapore and Australia. Dubai being my favourite choice. Closer to home and lots of places within easy reach to travel to. Like you Hazelnut, OH is used to moving around. His parents moved a fair bit Manchester-Sydney-Huddersfield-Chch- Guildford whereas my parents have lived in the same house since 1960!

Snapshot and Mrs F I do feel for you guys. Not having worked for 7 years and giving up the career I loved due to being frustrated etc. has certainly taken it's toll on me. I have had a gastric ulcer and I'm quite sure that I'm brewing another one. I definitely put that down to stress, it certainly wasn't H.pylori unfortunately. I have put on a lot of weight here which I didn't expect to do, I always lose weight when I go home or on holiday despite eating the foods I miss and love. I get loads of headaches and I've never had so many cold sores. I also get hayfever which I never had in the UK. My attempts to retrain in other fields has come to nothing despite being well qualified. It just saps my energy and self-esteem.

I'm sorry I made you cry Bourbon-biscuit, can't have a soggy biscuit my sweet . Thank you for all your good wishes. It has helped me enormously to write down how I feel and to get other viewpoints.

scrubbedexpat094

Hi Banana707, I'm sorry that you are going through something similar. I have read your thread in the MBTTUK forum and get the impression that your OH is rather controlling.

My chat with Sparkleydiva & the input from others on here has helped me clarify a few things in my own head. I love my DH to bits, we have been together for 32 years now and I would hate to leave him behind BUT he is not ultimately responsible for my happiness. Yes he can help but it's under my control to make it happen for me.
My gut feeling is that he loves me enough to follow me to the ends of the earth if necessary but he has to make that decision for himself.

It scares me to death to think of starting a new life on my own but if that's what I have to do to find happiness then I'm at that point were I know I need to do this.

I wish you luck in whatever you decide. If your gut is telling you to go home then do it. You are still young, don't waste anymore time on someone who doesn't have your best interests at heart.

Justcol

If your fiance is happy to watch you suffer on anti depressants
and knows what would make you happy again and isn't prepared to
do it, then ending a relationship isn't a hard decision.

Go home, don't be afraid of the future and be happy

Charismatic

Can't imagine much would make me more depressed than going to live in the UK again after years of long summers and 20 minute commutes to work. As much as anyone I can understand itchy feet but why not move to a more pleasant part of the world? There is no rule saying you have to endure misery to find happiness.

Sparkleydiva

I am moving back to a nice part of the UK, good job and 5 minute walk to work. Close to lots of lovely beaches, so not all doom and gloom

scrubbedexpat094

Good job I'm not you then

Syrian hamsters make me happy, they have them in Blighty, they don't have them here so I can never be truly happy here

Sparkleydiva

scrubbedexpat094

So we have some friends staying with us who have just hopped back from Oz for the weekend to sort out their IRRV. I mentioned my feelings about returning to the UK. My friend asked the pertinent question of us both, "are you going alone or together?" OH replied "together".

So relieved to know he's on board with this. I hadn't asked him due to being scared of the answer and not wanting to pressure him. More the former because I'm a coward!

Sparkleydiva

Awesome news... Now you can get planning for real and see you over there next year!

MrsFychan

weight off your mind, now you can relax some and just take things as they come