Justcol

One for anyone who has moved to nz and has kids back home in blighty.

Mine are now 21 and 24 and living independently but I'm now feeling
that if I don't move back I am not going to see them again.
I know there's holidays but that's not the same. I've looked into going
back but at my age, employment and financial implications are huge.
Its pretty much return and risk losing everything or stay and risk
losing my boys.

So if anyone has kids back home who will never return to nz, how do
you cope, as this is tearing me apart

I'm not after pity, Im just looking something that'll help me with a decision

MrsFychan

I have a 23 year old back in the UK. He is living with his paternal grandparents and has been there since he was 18years old. Unfortunately didn't apply himself well at school and we just didn't get on living together. Things had been going well with him before we moved and we did think to bring him over but being a step child to MrF it was going to complicate things and to be honest it wasn't that bothered. Don't think he would ever come out here on his own as he just doesn't like flying solo. we keep in touch via FB and to be honest its mostly me making the contact as he has others things to do rather than up date his dear ole ma.
Was quite bad last year when he had a bad motor bike accident but when he was able to communicate he was grateful I was on a different time zone as meant he wasn't lonely at night and knew he could message and skype me. But I have great in laws who will go out of their way to help out anyway they can and they managed things.

I think it depends on how much you want to be involved and how much they want you to be. I don't have much contact with my mum, just an email from my brother and the odd letter - but then she was like that in the UK when we lived only 8miles apart. She would say things like "oh I haven't contacted you for a while as I thought there might be something wrong" - I find that odd as I would be contacting anyone if I think there might be something wrong. Then there is the In Laws who basically want to know the ins and outs of a bat butt. We had to go to family gatherings no ifs or buts or you would not hear the end of it. They want to Skype endlessly and they book holidays to come over before even discussing the dates with us just tell us they are coming on such a date.

Stormer999

Yes I have a daughter and grand children in the UK. My daughter like your two sons is a fully grown up adult leading her own life as it should be and how I brought her up to live. I miss her that is a parental natural thing and realise that I have made a sound choice and will die in NZ away from her, my choice. I will see her as we plan to visit Istanbul, wife's conference, and we will stop by in the UK but for only 1 week. My daughter I keep in touch with via Facebook and Skype and that has to suffice, and does so. She is grown up and is happy in the knowledge that I am OK and living my own life and I happy for her.
When I grew to the age of your lads I flew the nest to live my own life the apron strings had lost fascination and the World beckoned.
My daughter and hers now are part of her own family and my son in law is their number one man and making a bloody good job of it.
My role is complete.

Robbie2010

If you move back there is no guarantee that your boys will stay near.

I know someone who moved back to be near kids only for kids to bugger off to live in Canada.

jmh

The age they are is exactly the age that young people separate from the family and disappear for a bit. It's very common, and in my opinion, not a good age for you to go back and try to re-engage. As someone said, they will probably piss off somewhere else. It's that early 20's thing - perfectly normal and nothing to feel bad about. Once they are of settling down age, you may re-assess the situation, especially if you see grandchildren on the horizon.

You may also find that they change as well. How do you know that they will never return to NZ? Imagine they meet a nice kiwi lass in London and suddenly, it's back home to dad! You just don't know, and since it is a big risk, I'd hold your horses for a bit.

That's just my opinion, based on limited information.

bourbon-biscuit

I think jmh speaks wisely there. Also, the above posts mentioning it's kind of a strange time (considering their age) to do this. I could see the rationale in doing this when they were still teens and also in the future if they 'settle' and put roots down somewhere; however, at their independent and highly mobile age (and being very independent young men as you have described them) it's a risky strategy to move back taking your new Kiwi wife with you and leaving behind a life which, apart from the absence of your sons, you seem to very much enjoy and treasure.

Have you considered setting aside money to fly them over on a frequent basis? My mum lives in Australia and she contributes to her kids flying to see her from NZ and the UK and pays for my kids to visit her too. She isn't wealthy but feels this is a necessary financial cost for her happiness.

I get where you are coming from but as someone who went "all in" on a return to be closer to family, take it from me that you should think this over long and hard and then think it all over long and hard again.

Justcol

I know neither will ever return to NZ, its not who they are. By the time NZ might appeal to them I will most likely be long gone.
Waiting until they are settled and producing grand kids isn't really an option. again, work prospects, finances and immigration rules
for my kiwi wife are going to make it almost impossible. I kind of feel this is a now or never decision.

Maybe I just need to HTFU !!

Spacecake799

I moved back and left my only daughter at 19 in NZ......would I go back, in a heart beat if she doesn't come here. I had children to love them forever and share their lives.
I miss her every day and speak to her every day.
Just my view!

bourbon-biscuit

There's something different about leaving a kid in the country you emigrated to and leaving them in their country of origin with extended family.

Woodlea

So why on earth did you leave her?

Justcol

Not wanting to speak for space cake, sometimes things happen for
a reason and sometimes circumstances and situations dictate a course of events

Woodlea

Obviously. I was just wondered what those circumstances could be, without wanting to delve into issues that might be too personal for an open forum.

Dorothy

Just my 2c worth here, but if you really want to go back then I think you should. If you are able to meet the requirements for your Kiwi wife to get a spouse visa for the UK then take the opportunity and do what will make you happy.

How does your wife feel about going? Does she have an alternate way of getting a visa? A British grandparent perhaps?

BEVS

What? Why !

Do what makes you happy inside of yourself Col. Trust your judgement and instinct.

We are all a long time gone .

Justcol

she's up for it, if its what I want, although it then puts her in the same situation, as her girls are here.
Unfortunately her lineage is French/Norwegian and goes back to great grandparents.

I guess I know what I need to do, maybe i'm using age as an excuse for not wanting to go through all the upheaval again.
Its not just about the boys, for as long as I can remember I've planned on retiring to France and that cant happen unless
my wife becomes a UK citizen.

Maybe I'm scared of leaving the comfortable life I have here, for what I know will be a good few years of uncertainty.
Maybe I'm scared of risking everything, and it would be everything, if we go and there's no work.
Maybe I just need to win Lotto on Saturday !!