therainyj

Hello Britishexpat community.

I'm sure you've heard this story many times before. Please allow me to tell mine.

I met and fell in love with an amazing Dutch man while I was living in the UK, and on my way to moving to Scandinavia. I lived there for a while, and when I realised it was serious with my boyfriend, started looking for jobs in the Netherlands. After a long time of searching, I found one! A career progression at that! I made the move and couldn't have been happier.

However. The career progression turned out to be a career regression. I decided I had to give it 6 months. Now over a year in and I hate it, utterly. Sleepless nights kind of hate. I have searched and searched during this time and cannot find any English speaking jobs here that I am even vaguely qualified to do. I don't speak Dutch, my newer colleagues are being promoted over me, I have no social life or hobbies, and worst of all I'm taking this all home and it's effecting my relationship.

I'm struggling to see any light at the end of the tunnel, and when I asked my boyfriend last night if he thinks I'm depressed, the answer was 'Honestly, I just don't know'.

Help. Help, help, help. I can't keep doing this. I'm going to ruin myself and my relationship.

Any thoughts/advice/ideas welcome.

calman014

It depends how essential the job is for your income/ survival.

You should never stay in a job you hate unless you need it to pay your bread and butter.
If your boyfriend has work and you can survive on his income..quit the job.

Take a break and re-assess your situation. Start learning Dutch (TBH If you've been here this long you should already be speaking it quite well!) I don't know what your job is or what branch you work in..callcentre maybe?.. If you want promotion then there must be reasons why you are not progressing. You need to take a 'helicopter' view of all these things, drink a large glass of wine, put on some good music and incense sticks and make some tough decisions.

StevieLW

sorry to hear that you're having troubles rainyj, Its certainly tough adjusting to the new lifestyle.

a couple of things jump out that you could perhaps work on to improve your quality of life here:

1) Learn Dutch, although most people will speak English, you've lived in this country for over a year now and should be aiming to pick up enough dutch. If you're looking for career progression then its certainly a good investment. There are some free websites (DuoLingo or Livemocha) that you can try out, or look for a local class, also a good way to meet some people. Learning Dutch needs a bit of self-confidence. Learn some phrases and try them out at the store, on the phone or at work, and when it gets difficult switch back to English. You'll find that you switch back less and less as time goes on.

2) Social life/hobbies - this is a difficult one, I've always found the Dutch people a bit reserved and difficult to integrate into. Try looking for expat groups in your area. What sort of hobbies did you do back in the UK, perhaps look for local groups that do those things here and try them out. The big thing about being an expat is that you have to go out and look for these things yourself, here in NL they won't come looking for you, you'll get what you go for.

If you can try the dutch, and push yourself to find a local group for a hobby, some sport, game, drinking group, anything, then perhaps it will help to remove those feelings of depression, as well as help you improve at work. If an employer see's that you're actively learning Dutch then perhaps they'll see you as a worthwhile investment for promotion.

therainyj

Thanks for your ideas.

I actually started learning Dutch last month, I have one lesson a week at Uni. The problem is that my work wouldn't let me have unpaid time off, and I had to resign for them to take me seriously. So they let me have the time off, but now they no longer see me as a worthy prospect for promotion (hence why my colleagues who have been here for 4 months are being given opportunities that I am not).

The people in the Dutch class are nice but they're all students and seem to not need any more friends! My suggestion for lunch with the class was a flop...

I'm also aware that it will take some years to learn fluent enough Dutch to be able to get a Dutch speaking job over here.

Pessimism never got anyone anywhere!! I just feel stuck in a callcentre rut (well guessed calman014 haha) in a foreign country...

calman014

One lesson a week is not enough.

- Buy an English-Dutch Dictionary and a Dutch-English Dictionary (school bookshop)
- Buy a tourist phrase book (Dutch for Travellers, Berlitz)
- Read the Dutch newspapers and see if you can understand what's going on.
- Watch the Dutch TV news (preferably on NPO 1 or 2)

Look for online courses, Youtube etc.

Strangely enough in the 1980's when I arrived here, there were 2 good pop groups ("Het goede doel" and "Doe Maar") who had some great songs where you could actually understand the lyrics, learn them and have fun at the same time singing along.

Rap or HipHop doesn't work ;-(

Set a goal of 1 new word a day, talk to your boyfriend about how it is used in all contexts.
You'd be surprised how quickly you learn.

Stay positive. Take a close look at your working hours and "Don't let the bastards get you down"..

scot47

You have to learn Dutch.

Red_Wine_Fairy

Where in the country are you? Some places have clusters of callcentres, and they aren't always the obvious cities! I would advise you to set up job alerts with the big sites like Monsterboard, Xpat Jobs and others - and also to register with the local uitzendbureau branches who deal with office-based staff (like Randstad, Olympia, Creyfs). In your shoes, I'd be happy just to move out even if it was a temporary contract: who knows, perhaps they'll have a need where you can learn even more skills.

Don't give up hope, and try to set up some dates with your boyfriend where neither of you talk about work I'd also suggest something like zumba where you can work out your frustrations with some exercise without too much Dutch interaction to fill another night - who knows, with time, you might get some invitations for after workout drinks

Or, there are expat meetups which might keep you sane as you'll be able to make friends. Like the others have said, it's really difficult in some places to 'break into' Dutch 'friendship circles', the separation of friends and colleagues here is quite rigid. I used to work with 4 ladies who all lived in the same town, but they wouldn't dream of meeting up with each other out of work, despite being colleagues for 20 years! You can find loads of groups on Facebook.

Another suggestion is to find a samenspraken taalmaatje (language buddy) - a Dutch volunteer you can meet up with (free of charge) one a week to practice conversational Dutch. Perhaps you'd feel less selfconscious doing this without your other half? Just don't stress over not speaking the language as fast as everyone says 'you should be'. You're not a toddler, and you don't have the same capacity, or opportunities, to learn that fast. Choose one or two TV shows that you like and try to watch regularly. I disagree with whoever said use Dutch music to learn - you might want to 'do a Van Gogh' if you do that

karij1980

Dutch music can help you learn.... I have Gordon's album on my ipod and I listen to it quite a bit and I pick up words from that

calman014

Exactly my point... every word you learn and explore adds to your knowledge.

Red_Wine_Fairy

My point was Dutch music makes me want to cut my ears off, but it was lost in translation.

Fugee

Have you never listened to Adca en De Munnik? Great for a sing along in the car with the kindjes. "Als de vuur gedoofd is" is my favourite karaoke number. It may be a bit too suitable for this thread too.

I learnt most of my Dutch from old RTL weather man John Bernard and wanting to understand what was being said by Henk Spaan and Harry Vermeegen in a tv programme called "Die 2 Nieuwe Koeien".

karij1980

I learn a lot from Gordon :P Probably not ideal, but everyone is allowed to have a guilty pleasure

therainyj

Hi guys,

Thanks for the posts.

Things have taken a dramatic turn (my life could be a soap opera!).

My manager took me into a meeting, and basically said if I don't agree to going back to full time, they will not be renewing my contract at the start of next year.

I have applied for multiple jobs recently and had a 'no' back from all of them - the main reason being that I don't speak Dutch.

My work colleagues now no longer talk to me. They arranged a team event, and all left in a taxi while I was still working. They also disappear and have meetings together for extended periods during the day. My manager has authorised it, and no one will tell me what the meetings are about. I'm literally left alone in the call centre with no idea what's going on, and being swamped with work. I feel completely alienated. Is this bullying or is this just me being oversensitive?!

I think my only option now is to leave, however I know I won't be entitled to unemployment benefit and I'm not sure how we are going to cope without my income.

Life plan: win the lottery...

karij1980

Did you not get the opportunity to explain how you feel to your manager during the meeting?

Sucks that you are being left out.... I've had that happen and it's no fun

calman014

Obviously this company is not worth working for. If they were actually interested in you, beyond your skills with the English language, then you would be encouraged to learn Dutch and be allowed some flexibility in your working hours to account for that.

Don't stay in a job that you hate.