Jay Bird

Just want to wish you well, and hope your hubby finds the help he needs to get back on track. I agree with everything you've said......he is so lucky to have you.
Take care and keep us posted hugs n 'stuff

Ruby Murray

Hi JoJo,
Your suggestion sounds great and I can only give it a try I know I've become UK obsessed lately and panicking because I want us all to spend as much precious time with my ailing mother in law as possible....but acting the way I am right now is just making him dig his heels in all the more! It's got to the stage where I'm walking on egg-shells and daren't even mention ANYTHING or ANYWHERE connected with the UK....and if my daughter talks about it, I have to hush her if her dad's around I appreciate your post so much and all the help you're trying to offer....I will give it a try.

Thankful hugs back,
Ruby x

Ruby Murray

Hey Oldbag, I know where to find ya and I'm going to drop you a lovely long email ok.
Luvs, Rubes x

stepnek

Having followed this thread I am curious Ruby as to why you are so certain that a move back to the UK will be the answer this time around having already moved back once before. I'm not at all being critical but interested as to why you are so certain that this time it would be the right move.

We've been in Canada for three and a half years and I've not found the experience all that easy but I'm probably at my most comfortable right now having weathered several small storms during our time here in trying to feel settled. England is still a big pull to me and I don't like that feeling but on the other hand I see some strong advantages to staying here even though I really don't want to see them. I'd love to move back but in so many ways it doesn't make sense when I think of just how difficult it would be and I don't think that I can be certain that it would be the right move.

Do you not think that you need to be very careful about returning for a second time when it was so unsuccessful the last time especially as your other half is so against it right now?

I know that sometimes I feel like Canada is so where I don't want to be and can sometimes feel a little obsessed with the UK myself but I think that through a combination of homesickness and emotion we forget that everytime we move we replace one set of problems with another.

jojosan

Ahh, but isn't changing one's mind meant to be the female perogative!!!

Jay Bird

Hiya Stepnek
Well as someone who is in a similar situation to Ruby's, and having more or less decided to go home, I'll put my two cents worth in here.
You are right in saying that one set of problems might (and probably will) be exchanged for another.......but sometimes the problems are easier to deal with if you are in a happier place. I've said before, I think the needs of men and women are different; women need the emotional support offered by family and familiarity and, I think, are more willing to accept when something doesn't feel right. Men are much more stubborn, and usually the last to admit that a situation isn't right, or a wrong decision has been made. After all it's a huge change to move from one country to another, and not easy to say out loud that it's not working or not suitable etc. Once it's been said out loud, you can't un-say it; it's like putting toothpaste back in tube. I have noticed that there are more female contributors to the MBTTK than males......and that seems to support this.
I know exactly how Ruby feels; I've felt this way for a couple of years now, and just feel the need to go back home. I know I can deal with any hardships that are bound to occur......having ping-ponged myself a couple of times, I know there's hard work and difficult times ahead, but knowing we've done it before, and that the "system" is one we know, will make it easier.

stepnek

Well, of course I wouldn't dream of criticizing anyone for any kind of decision that they make about their own lives and especially as this thread is in the MBTTUK forum but when I read threads such as these and consider my own circumstances I do wonder at how people have the energy (let alone the money) to keep on moving time and time again. It seems to me that the action of ping-ponging can only lead to more doubt and confusion but people do it and do eventually settle.

You're also right about dealing with problems when in a happier place but surely just how happy that place will be will depend on the size of the problem.

When it comes to men and women I couldn't possibly agree with you about men being stubborn. Actually I suspect that how we deal with things is much more dependent on who we are as individuals as opposed to our gender.

Jay Bird

You need to read a few books on Brain Sex.....very interesting. Apologies if you thought I was suggesting you were being critical......far from it. You came across as interested and curious, not critical.
Strangely enough my ping-ponging hasn't confused me at all....I think there were enough years in between each crossing for that. When we went back to England in the late 80's we always said we would come back to Canada to retire; this we did a few years ago........but semi-retirement was the plan, and it hasn't worked out that way. We also left our daughter behind, and my family; I just feel too far away..........it really is as simple as that. Despite the fact that said daughter is 30 and lives her own happy life, I still feel too far away from her. My parents are 87 and 89, and whilst reasonably fit and active with quite a hectic social life, I still want to be nearer. It's something in me that needs to be There, not Here; I think Canada has been an itch I've had to scratch. I've scratched and now need to move on, plain and simple.

Try the following link

http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbo...x_cookie.shtml

stepnek

I do, of course, completely relate. My parents are elderly and still alive in England plus I have a twenty-three year old daughter over there. I have another living in Edmonton, Alberta and what with one thing and another life never seems all that easy. Good luck to all and everyone here I think!

manghams

I have to agree that gender is not necessarily the root of the problem, it ismy husband who needs to go back to the UK, for family support and the local knowledge and understanding you can only acheive over time.

Ruby my heart goes out to you, Life has no joy into when you become so low and unhappy.

One of my husbands biggest problems is that we left his 17 yrd son behind - he would not come. I dont think it matters how old they are, leaving them feels like abandonment; I left a son of 24 and a granddaught, four next month, we will be back just before her birthday!

I really hope Ruby that you can find some resolution to your problem, hopefully that doesnt involve a seperation, because that bring a whole new set of heartache.

brits1

Good adivce...we are lucky we are all very much happy to go home but I do have my days when I love my house..views etc but if push came to shove and I did really enjoy my life here and my hubby wanted to go home along with our sons....I would go no problem....easy to say...not really but I have learnt through all of this is that it's just the most horrible situation if you feel so low or down, your whole family feels it to, no matter Man/Woman...I do (and this is me) believe that no country should be more loved than a partner who is unhappy where they are. To Ruby "chin up"...just give him time and do some good homework....ie look at homes you can afford in areas you like...talk about the "good old" days.....etc...holidays you had that you enjoyed and family christmasses you had etc.....It would be lovely to think that if he knew just how much you and you daughter wanted the move he would do it for the both of you.........all the best and good luck to you and to Manghams....hope life treats you kindly!!!!

Ruby Murray

Ah Tableland!! I never thought my beginnings of B.E. would come round and bite me in the butt!! You have a very good memory - even though I changed my user name since then!!

Oh the Winters are BRUTAL here.....evil! We've had cold, so cold it's been deadly. Our journey down to Calgary airport for our flight back to Manchester in January almost ended in an accident for us as our truck hit a patch of black ice and visibility was shocking due to blowing snow. I've seen it, lived it, and don't like it! You're exactly right about the first 3 winters....bang on!! Our first winter, we bought ice-skates and sleds and were out at every opportunity. The second winter, we were both working hard and were too bloody knackered to bother with the winter activities, and well by this winter, we've moved into a new house in a rural location and I am the one that has to drive into the city for my job and I have been a nervous wreck. By the time I reach work, I've drained myself of that much energy by the sheer concentration and anxiety of the conditions of the road!!! Every Canadian I know detests this time of year, but they're used to it because it's all they've known. And as we all know, due to global warming, winters of years ago were even harsher so today's winter periods aren't that bad for these hardened Canucks!! I'm a wimpy Brit, used to rain and the odd couple of hours of snow that becomes rain again by lunchtime!! My skin has become so irritated by "winter-itch" it's cracked and raw...believe me, winters here can do allsorts to you!! I feel I've just reached a point where I've had enough of 5/6 months of cold (amongst many other reasons).

Ruby Murray

Brits....a PM is on it's way!

Ruby Murray

Hi Stepnek,
I read your post earlier today and wanted to reply then, but I was at work, so I've left it until now......the reason we returned to the UK the first time round was in December 2004. It was my OH who was suffering depression and anxiety because of his job and other things (too long to go into). He was the one that suggested we sell everything up and go back to the UK as we'd already lived 7 months in Red Deer, Alberta and that hadn't worked, then we'd driven across the country and set up home and job in Ontario and again, that hadn't worked, and so he felt that Canada wasn't going to work at all. I was in a hopeless situation in Ontario as we were living so far out in the sticks, even I couldn't get a job to help out. I wasn't ready to go back to the UK at that time....I felt that we'd spent too much money and time and excitement in the emigration process to just give it up so soon. During our 8 months in the UK (I've probably already bored many with this story, so forgive me for those reading it again), but we could not find anywhere to live, nor could we agree on an area to live. OH was very depressed, although in denial and wouldn't get medical help. He was living at his brother's house in Wythenshawe and me and the 2 kids were living at my parents' house in Hyde (13 miles apart). He wouldn't get help, wouldn't look at finding a job, wouldn't commit to the many houses we had put deposits on to rent....in the end I was getting so bloody fed up with life that I gave him the ultimation....get help and give Canada one last shot, or we split up and I find my own house to live near my parents. The rest is history! So we've been back here 2nd time round now 2 and 1/2 years and things have been going pretty good until we bought this house last August and my father in law died last month. Suddenly, and I mean, it really does hit you in the face suddenly, but I feel like I don't want to live so far away from my family anymore. We missed out on time spent with my father in law, next will be my mother in law and I don't want to miss out on time with my mum and dad and my sister (my only sibling). Women are the sensitive and emotional breed....my OH, despite losing his dad and facing losing his mum this year too....it still hasn't struck him the same way it has me and I think he's bloody cold and lacking emotion.

This time round, I feel like I am ready to embrace going back (although like others, I have my wobbly moments where I doubt my reasons). Being back home last month (albeit for 6 days) really opened up my eyes in a positive way as to what I've been missing.....in my case, it was true that I was "alive" there (like so many on here talk about).

Tableland

I hear what you're saying. I had to drive into St Johns NFLD one night on icy roads and with the snow blowing hard and after an hour or so I was totally knackered with the effort. I can't imagine having to do this every day for half the year. Also, anyone that knows St Johns will know there are lots of nice steep hills and these babies were covered with ice and snow as the ploughs hadn't yet gone round and the whole thing was a nightmare. Why, I ask myself, does one attempt to apply brakes when one's car is sliding down an icy hill towards a junction?

And the global warming thing is interesting because (I know, I know it's controversial) there is some new evidence filtering in that the earth might actually be cooling and that if so places like prairie Canada will become even colder and for longer.