Terry A.

I'll try to cut a long story short, but it won't be easy.

I'm English, born in Guilford, raised for the first 12 years of my life in London, then Hertfordshire. Due to terrible abuse as a child, I ran away from home at the age of 12, and have never been back. I was adopted at the age of a few weeks old. My adopted parents subsequently had a biological child (when I was around 2-3 years old) and from then on treated their two adopted children horrifically. I ran away, my adopted brother stayed and suffered further abuse.
I lived as a runaway in London for a couple of years, then moved to the middle east at the age of
15 to live with a boyfriend there.
Yes, I managed to get a passport and leave England at the age of 15 , without any problem! Amazing.
I left the middle east at the age of 25 and bummed around Greece, Spain (young, no parental guidance, clueless really) until I met and married an American in 1990.
We moved to the US in 93 from Spain, and it's been hell ever since.

I've been stuck in an abusive marriage for almost 13 years, mostly verbal and emotional abuse now.
I have disliked the US since the first day I arrived here. But I've stayed because of my daughter, who is now 12. We adopted her in Spain, she was an abandoned baby of German decent, born in Spain (another long story). She holds a Spanish passport, as my husband has never applied for American citizenship for her, he shows little interest in her at all. Probably a blessing.

I have to get out of this marriage and this country, soon.
I can't stand either for much longer.
I believe it's time for me to return to England, but where do I start?
I may be able to escape with around $10,000 -- $20,000 dollars, not much and I must make that last.
I would like to live in a safe southern area close to the coast, but how on earth would I know where.
My situation is rather dire, but if anyone can offer some advise I'd really appreciate it.

I intend to work, but also need advise on if I can expect any help in the way of housing, unemployment and so forth. And how I would go about getting it.
I am a very strong and positive person, and do not want to live on handouts, but realize I may have to, until I can get on my feet.

I will not leave the US without my daughter, and may not in fact leave for another year or two. As I can tuck away more money slowly over time. My husband works away from home for much of the year, this makes it possible for me to stash some money and plan my escape. But he will retire in two years, and if I ask for a divorce it will get very nasty, he'll make it impossible for me to get away, or worse...
I also intend to take a few courses here, community college, as my education ended at the age of 12, when I ran away from home.
I'm not even sure what courses would be beneficial, but was thinking about taking computer classes.
Can anyone think of a class/course I could take that might improve my chances of getting a job in the UK?
I only have these next two years or so to get my act together, save, go to college and plan. I must leave before he retires and is home for good, blocking any chance I have.

So.
I have no education to speak of, no job experience, and very little knowledge of England as I left years ago. I have not visited the UK for over 20 years. Due to my running away at an early age I lack education, so finding a well paying job is next to impossible.

My adopted family were affluent in the UK and remain so, they also own homes in the US.
But I have no contact with them, except for my sister (my adoptive parents only biological child) I contacted her when I was to be married and needed paperwork from the UK.
I've never held my adoptive parents favorable treatment of her, versus the two adopted children, against her.

However I have very little contact with her, and can't expect her to help me much, if at all. Although she has offered to do so.

Anyway, help please.
As at some point I will be arriving at Heathrow airport, without a clue on where to go or how to go about getting the dole (is that what it's called) or if I'm even eligible for it. Until I can get a job and hopefully support myself.

Staying in the US is not an option, I can't stand it here. I have no friends, not one, and haven't for the past 13 years, it's becoming unbearable.

I realize that returning to the UK will be incredibly hard. But I feel I must do it.
I'm adopted and have no idea what my background is. I then ran away from my adoptive family, so I totally lack any sense of belonging anywhere.
I definitely do not belong here.
I need to move back to England and try to finally put down some roots.

If anyone has any advise or words of encouragement, they'd be much appreciated.

TIA.

Ceri

Hi,
I'm sorry about your situation.. you've certainly have had a tough life haven't you.

Right first option.... contact the British embassy/consulate in America. Explain your situation to them. Perhaps they can help/advise you.
Another option... see if you can order a British yellow pages and a residential phone book in your local Post office in America. There are plenty of numbers in there , various help groups, social security offices etc.. perhaps you can phone them from America and ask for their advice. Sorry I can not help you with the contact numbers as I'm in Australia.

Dole.... you will not be eligible for dole, but you will get income support. Dole is only paid out to people who have contributed by national insurance payments taken out of your British wages)

If you are in an abusive marriage.. surely you can leave him and find help in America. Or just go home to the UK now.. and get help, you can finish your education in the UK.. maybe part time which will be free to you if you do not have a job, or are on a low income.

I wish I could help you more, perhaps someone else on this forum can give you some contact numbers. Personally if it was me, my first step would be to contact the British embassy in America, either by phone or email... ask for their advice.

Hope this helps you a little bit
Good luck

Terry A.

"If you are in an abusive marriage.. surely you can leave him and find help in America. Or just go home to the UK now.. "

The problem is that I have no support and risk losing my daughter if I leave him and remain in the US.
Every time I have mentioned divorce, the first thing he does is go into my purse and take away my green card (although I've lived here for over 10 years, so don't need him to renew it !) my credit cards, checkbook and so forth.
Then he goes and takes my jewelry box, and calls his Mum.

In other words he's saying that he will take everything and leave me with nothing. And that he has a support group, his family/Mum, while I have none.

His next step would be to cut me off from any access to money. He would spend all our savings in a day, rather than let me get my hands on a penny, if we were divorcing.
No job, no income I would lose my daughter to him. Who has no interest in her anyway.My daughter has a learning disability, which is why I've stayed home and not worked.

I've also suffered greatly from severe depression for years. So much so that I wore the same clothes for two years, wore no make-up and rarely left the house. I washed the clothes every day, but just put them straight back on, it was that bad.
Never once did my husband comment on this, he was obviously content that I was so emotionally crippled.

My break came when we moved to the mainland USA (a year and a half ago)leaving my husband to finish out his Navy career (about 2 more years) in Hawaii.
That has bought me some time and allowed me to regain my confidence and some of my self esteem.
But time is running out, I must make my move before he retires or suspects ....

The last time I mentioned divorce he said that somebody would end up dead. I don't know if that would be me, or him threatening suicide (more emotional abuse) as I changed the subject.

I have no desire to stay in the US.

But I'm also afraid that I could be arrested in the UK if I take my daughter there?
Even though she's not a US citizen (neither am I), I'm sure it would be considered kidnaping as I would have taken her out of the country without her fathers permission.
And It would have to be done without his knowledge, or we go back to him taking her away from me and leaving me penniless.

This is a very nasty and vindictive man, he's incapable of thinking things through or coming to a compromise. Extreme physical abuse is not a stranger either.

Believe me I've thought this through over and over again.
I can't arrive back in the UK without a penny to my name.
And there is absolutely nothing for me in the US.I'm sure that I would not be allowed to leave the state, let alone the country should I stay here go through the divorce process and retain custody of our daughter.

My only hope is to continue saving money and then leaving without his knowledge.
If I wait until right before he retires from the Navy and is home for good, (meaning no escape). My daughter will be close to 15 and maybe kidnapping charges wouldn't be brought against me.

I have no idea........


If it wasn't for my daughter I would have left many years ago, penniless or not. But I will not risk losing her.
Nor can I risk being extradited back to the US from the UK on kidnapping charges, should I leave and bring her with me.......

LLinCT

Terry,
I am very sorry to hear your story and unfortunately know very little about the legalities of divorce/child custody. However, i do know that there is always a support system available especially if you can search online.

My first advice is to try find Brits in your neighbourhood through online chat sites etc who you could actually meet with. Sounds like you could do with some friendship and they could give you first hand insight into life in the UK. Also, when i worked in the military there were many groups for the wives of military men who you could meet with. The armed forces are very concerned with the high divorce rates amongst members and you may be able to get access to some confidential advice about your marriage by meeting with such a group, independent of your husband. Otherwise, your plan to work and save money while gaining skills and seeking legal about child custody sounds sensible. You say your husband will not compromise but how about trying a different approach- to say you have been depressed and realise you need 3rd party help to see if you can strengthen the marriage instead of threatening divorce and angering him. A therapist will often suggest to see you alone and then you can work out some of the issues as to why you have repeatedly found yourself in abusive situations and how to avoid it, when and if you start the new life without him. (my dad was abusive but we sorted it out- it can go either way). Can't say i am any expert and so who i am to offer advice but
Good luck!

LLinCT

PS. I totally agree with Ceri however that firstly, you need to talk to someone who can advice you in an official capacity (the embassy, british social services and free legal advisors) Also try sites such as the office of violence against women to find advice regarding child custody in abusive marriages:

website: http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/vawo/

Englishmum

I also sympathise with your problems, but it does seem that you are going to need expert legal advice before you take any drastic steps - I don't know if 'laypersons' on the internet can give you correct advice and you don't want to end up in jail!!! The good thing is that you're not planning to do anything rash and to take your time to collect information and plan your exit from your marriage.

I also have read in numerous magazines over the years that people who were abused as a child or witnessed violence within their families often themselves get involved in abusive relationships when they reach adulthood - as indeed you admit above. I should think that you ought to talk with a counsellor as to seek ways to adopt the best strategies to break the cycle of being drawn to abusive partners. I'm sure you wouldn't like your daughter to copy what she has learned at home when she is herself an adult? I agree with the above poster that perhaps you could get (free?) advice from the welfare units attached to the military?

It is a peculiar situation with your daughter not having US citizenship - obviously with an EU passport she can reside in the UK. However, I have a feeling that under the Hague Convention your daughter is 'habitually' resident in the US so the British courts would probably order her to be repatriated to the US if your husband chose to report her as being abducted by you. I'm not an expert, but you can get lots of information and advice here:

http://www.reunite.org (a UK website for info on abducted children from and to the UK) See the FAQs on taking a child *into* Britain from abroad.

I would also suggest that you have a talk with your daughter - does she even have any interest at all in going to live in the UK? She may hate to leave her friends behind and feel daunted about a different school system?

Other useful websites are:

http://www.shelternet.org.uk (housing issues)

http://www.bbc.co.uk/learning/adults (adult education). Many Colleges of Further Education have courses for adults who need to return to learning. You are obviously very intelligent as you have written your account very eloquently (on top of being resilient) so should sail through any classes you take! As quoted above, many classes are free or at a nominal charge for people on low incomes.

Finally, go to Yahoo.co.uk and look up the *UK sites only* and type in a search for "Legal Advice for Women" and/or "Citizens Advice Bureau"

There are regulations regarding people coming from overseas who wish to claim government benefits - and this also includes British expats who are returning to the UK. In addition, if you declare that you have savings you would be ineligible for Income Support until your savings have dropped below the 'threshold' (it used to be about 3,000 pounds). Another nice site with advice and message boards is http://www.femail.co.uk

I hope this is of some help to you and Good Luck!

Yorkieabroad

The other thing you would need to check out is how you would get your daughter out of the country without her father. Apparently a notarised letter of consent is required from the non-accompanying parent. I'm not sure if this would apply if your daughter would be leaving on her Spanish passport, but check it out before you get to the airport! Good luck.

bromleygirl

I've taken my daughter out of the country without consent from my husband and I was travelling on my British passport - this was before I obtained my US citizenship. I think it helps if you have return flight booked. If you only had one way tickets that would definitley raise concerns.

Have you thought about contacting divorce/child custody lawyers -some will give you a free consultaion which is very imformative!

Yorkieabroad

Its a new rule that just came in a couple of months ago, so beware. There is another thread on it somewhere on here (that I started to try to get more info on it), but I can't find it now. Only reason I knew about it was that I got the 3rd degree as to why I was re-entering the US with my son and no letter from my wife - how had I got out?!

Lion in Winter

Visit a local shelter/program for abused and battered women. They have all kinds of information about your rights in the U.S., access to counseling - none of which your husband needs to know about. They can probably also help you find the people to talk you about your emigration issues.

Terry A.

Thank you for the replies everyone.
Well, it seems that I can't take my daughter to the UK, or I'll end up losing her and going to jail, which wouldn't solve anything.
My original plan was to try and get some type of education/experience, land a job decent enough to support the two of us, and remain in this area and school district until my daughter finishes school. So as not to disrupt her too much, she is settled and has many friends.
I have discussed moving to England with her and she has said that she would very much like to go.
But she is basing her choice on what I have told her of England (who has not visited the country in many years), and watching BBC America!

When I divorce my husband she won't be staying here in Arizona, even if my husband got custody. He has no ties here at all, except for us and the house we own.
The house will be sold and proceeds split as part of the divorce settlement, according to Arizona law.

We managed to move here away from him, (he is still sationed in Hawaii ),on the pretence that he would retire here. We would buy the house and settle ourselves in the area preparing for his retirement. The money I save I have told him, is to be a nest egg. For even though he will retire from the military, he will still need to work.

We live in a small city in Arizona, it's 109 degrees outside as I type, I can't stand it here. Although it beats havng to live with my husband.Miles from anywhere and too hot to step outside. Which means that I am stuck in this house day in and day out........ if I must remain in the US until my daughter finishes school it won't be here!

There was no way we could have moved to a more populated area, that offered more opportunities. My husband would never have allowed that, (i tried) knowing perhaps that I would have taken every opportunity and managed to leave him completely.

Financial obligations, mortgage etc, now mean that I am stuck here. As much as I would just like to get up and leave, it would mean foreclosing on the house and possibly going bankrupt. As soon as I left, my husband would cut off any money to me and would blow what money he had just so I wouldn't ever see any of it.

Fine, if I didn't have my daughter to consider.

Counseling also won't help, I will NOT stay in this marriage when my husband retires and lives back at home. It's simply NOT an option, I'd rather kill myself, and more than likely would!
At the moment he is stationed in Hawaii and we only see him 2-3 times a year. Even when he calls I feel sick to my stomach, he called last night and today I am once again overcome by depression. It was my intention to drive up to the local community college today, but that's now on hold till tomorrow.
If I'm crippled like this just by a phone conversation with him, you can maybe imagine
what would happen should I still be here when he comes home for good.

I have sought counseling for my own problems, but it doesn't help. I don't feel at ease with American psychologists. You get one hour and leave with little more advise that come back next week. I don't feel that they have the expertise to understand what I went through in England.
You dish out hundreds of dollars, but leave feeling that it hasn't done an ounce of good. The money would be better spent on education, or saved for the day I am free of him.

I will not put myself in another abusive relationship once I'm free of this one.
I have learnt my lesson and learnt it well.

Military counseling is a joke.
Put simply, the military couldn't care less about any problems you may be having. As a spouce/dependant, you are invisible.
My husband beat me up when we lived in Spain, he also ripped up the soft furnishings such as sofas, arm chairs and curtains with a knife.
I managed to get out and make it to the base hospital, covered in injuries including a black eye and bite marks.

He was arrested, but released back home the next day. He received a slap on the wrist and the incident is NOT in his military records, it was swept under the carpet as though it never happened. It did not prevent him from being promoted or affect his career negatively in any way. I still have a scar from one of those bites .......
We were going through the adoption process (of our daughter) at the time, so I did not dare make a fuss, as we would have lost her.
She was asleep in her room as my husband beat me up......

Anyway.
I thank you all for your kind words. I believe I have two options at this time,
admit defeat and leave without my daughter.

Or stay and sweat it out here in Arizona for two more years. Take some courses, get a job and then file for a divorce before he retires and thinks he's coming here to ruin my life for good.
Hire a divorce attorney and protect the money that has been saved, so it may be split equally.
Take my share of the money and move to an area that has more to offer.

I am entitled to half his pension and child support, but can't depend on that ever happening.

Sounds like a good plan, but it's proving incredibly tough to actually achieve.
It means living a lie for two years, putting up with my husband when he visits and not allowing myself to fall back into a deep depression. I must lie to everyone, even to my daughter, and ask her to keep it a secret that we were planing on maybe moving to the UK.
I have told my daughter that I will be divorcing her Father. But that has meant that she must now keep it a secret from him.

As far as making friends, that would all be based on lies too. As I couldn't reveal my plans to anyone, in case they met my husband while he was visiting.

Once again, I've rambled on and on. Not even on topic anymore for this forum, as it's now obvious that I wont be returning to the UK.

Thanks for the links, at least I now know that escaping to the UK is not an option, and must change my plan accordingly.

As far as seeking help at a shelter for abused women.
You receive no help unless you are actively being abused. He's not here for most of the year and is now careful to avoid physical abuse. I'm sure he realizes that he could possibly receive far more than a slap on the wrist next time.
Also you can't for example go to the police and claim that your husband has threatened to kill you. Until he attempts to kill you, you will receive no help!

A chat with a good divorce attorney is definitely on the books now though. Since I may not leave the country, I must know exactly where I stand and what my options are. Stand firm, get myself into a better position and fight him tooth and nail legally.

Thanks everyone for allowing me to ramble on here.
Each and every one of you has helped me immensely...

jaytee

Why do you not like the US? The US is not a bad country and is, arguably, the best country. So, do you not think you are being a little harsh in your judgement? Isn't it more the association to your husband that you can't stand? It is likely you won't find as many opportunities as you will here. Perhaps, if you went back for a visit, it would set you more at ease. BTW, the US is a big country with many regional differences.. have you thought about moving somewhere else in the US.. perhaps down to Florida where there are many brits before you leave to England???

Also, you should get your child US citizenship since she is not sure if she'll like living outside of it. To strip her away from her legal life here would be cruel. Additionally, you did not really explain your immigration situation/status.

Terry A.

My immigration status.
I'm a resident alien on my 2nd, 10 year green card.
I'm free to file for US citizenship without my husband . Would continue to be so, even if we divorced, and have in fact been free to do so for the past 6 years or so.Although my husband tried to convince me otherwise and I have only *recently*
discovered that he can't have me deported if I try to divorce him , as he had repeatedly threatened.
Or I may renew my green card in 9 years (when the current one expires) should I choose not to become a citizen.
I'm free to live and work here as a resident alien, with a valid green card, should I divorce him tomorrow.
I was at several points recently considering applying for US citizenship, but decided against it.
As I was planing on returning to the UK, and that extra $500 would have helped. As every little does, in difficult financial circumstances.
Now that it seems I must stay, I will more than likely apply for my citizenship.

I can't apply for US citizenship for my daughter, as I'm not yet a US citizen myself.
I have however asked my husband on numerous occasions to apply for US citizenship for our daughter, he wont. Not me, him.

I am well aware that my daughter although she holds a Spanish passport, is more American than anything else.
I realize only too well that she may have been unhappy in the UK. And that her education may have suffered should she have switched over to the British system.
In some situations however you do what you have to do.

If I did not care about my daughter I would have left without her.
Left her to a Father who cares so little for her that his most recent remark regarding her, nearly drove me to pack up and take off (with her) right there and then.
The remark?
" When I come to Arizona, it's solely for me, for a vacation. Not to take our daughter anywhere, not to spoil her or try to win any Father of the year awards".

This was his reply when I begged him during a one moth visit to please take her anywhere. The park, the movies, anywhere to show that he cared about her a bit.
He golfed almost daily, but never once took her for an outing, anywhere.

As far as my reasons for maybe not choosing to live in the US, should I have a choice , they are numerous and not all linked to my husband.
They are though my own personal reasons, maybe even particular to me, and in reality nobody else's business. They are not up for debate on this forum where they don't belong.

I'm also however not so naive as to believe I have seen all the US has to offer. Neither however am I at the moment in a position to move elsewhere, within the states or otherwise. Which I undoubtedly will do when I'm finally divorced.
Neither can I vacation to other states to check them out, as I must save every penny I can. also vacationing without my husband would simply arouse suspicion and further problems.
So I will only be free to discover all the US has to offer, once I'm divorced..

And Florida may actually be an option in the future.
My sister who currently resides in the UK, also owns a home in Naples and hopes to move there permanently in a couple of years. Once her eldest leaves the nest and heads off to University in the UK.

Although not close to my sister and having had little contact with her over the years, we are working on that.

I hope that covers all your questions.

jaytee

At $310, US citizenship is well worth the cost for you and your daughter. If you leave the country for 6 months as a LPR, your status is up for review and will be abandoned at 12 months.

IF you become a US citizen, your daughter (who is under 21) will also become a citizen automatically.

As a citizen you are free to come and go at any time.

Terry A.

When the child is adopted things are just a little different, I believe.
She would not automatically become a US citizen, the laws seem to differ slightly for adopted children .
That $310 is actually over $500 (just for me), and when every penny counts that could be the difference between a plane ticket to freedom, or being stuck in a terrible situation.
Unless you have been in that situation, I can entirely understand your not comprehending how dire it can be.
Nobody is doubting that duel nationality wouldn't be advantageous, it would.

As far as me losing my status should I leave the US for more than six months, that's highly unlikely now, as it's obvious that I must remain here or give up custody of my daughter. So no worries there.

Now that I must remain in the US, I will be applying for US citizenship, when I can afford it, as that $500 + must somehow be accounted for to my husband. You see in some cases it's not as straight forward as applying and sending in your checks. If he knows that I've applied for citizenship he'll get suspicious that I'm planing to leave, that I'm up to something.So I must hoard extra money, which will take a few months, if I'm not to make it obvious.


Once I obtain my citizenship, I will then be free to apply for my daughter.