When 1 wants to and the other doesn,t
#61
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Joined: Jun 2010
Location: Florida
Posts: 378
Re: When 1 wants to and the other doesn,t
He and I both know the truth. For all the time the house was up for sale and I talked about what things we would do back home, never once did he contradict me or give me any reason not to think he wasn't fully on board with the idea.
#62
Re: When 1 wants to and the other doesn,t
I can't begin to imagine how you are feeling right now. I know he has gone about it all in the wrong way but do you think that he just may not have had the heart to tell you that it wasn't what he wanted? Sometimes it's easier to just say nothing than to let things out. I'm not sticking up for him at all just trying to work out why.
#63
Re: When 1 wants to and the other doesn,t
When my husband and I sold our house to come to NZ the proceeds of the sale went into the bank. We had quit our jobs, i.e. no income. Our savings and the proceeds of the house sale was all we had. Oh, we had credit cards with a near zero balance too.
How easy would it have been to go our separate ways ? Very easy. We could have agreed to a 50/50 split of our assets, got a quickie divorce and that would have been it.
I didn't raise the subject of divorce or even separation and neither did he. I just wanted to see how things went. I realised that I could have used our move to NZ as not much more than a 'ruse' to end our marriage.
I'm sorry that this is what might have happened to you.
Would he have agreed to separate or divorce if the house was not sold already ? I'm only asking as it's kind of convenient that he said nothing before the house was sold. I can't help but wonder for how long had he been planning not to come or to tell you that he wasn't coming ?
Last edited by Snap Shot; Aug 13th 2014 at 10:46 pm. Reason: how long
#64
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Re: When 1 wants to and the other doesn,t
I don't know the why's or the thinking behind his decision. I know that at some point crunch time will come and we'll either go home together or I'll be going on my own. I've spent 14 years trying to fit in, trying to see why he loves it so much, I just don't get it.
The week before we were due to close on the house, he packed all his stuff in his trailer and made plans to leave. He said he'd cut me a check for my share of the money which I could bank once the sale had gone through........... So yes, I do think he was prepared to separate/divorce. I'm not sure how I feel about that either, I'm still a bit shell shocked by the whole thing if truth be known.
The week before we were due to close on the house, he packed all his stuff in his trailer and made plans to leave. He said he'd cut me a check for my share of the money which I could bank once the sale had gone through........... So yes, I do think he was prepared to separate/divorce. I'm not sure how I feel about that either, I'm still a bit shell shocked by the whole thing if truth be known.
#65
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Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 7
Re: When 1 wants to and the other doesn,t
Good luck for the future.
I think one of the most uncomfortable separations I read about on here was one where the wife wanted to move back to Britain.
The husband was aware of this and moved out of the family home, leaving her with the majority of the childcare.
Knowing that he wouldn't give his permission for her to take the children out of the country she is now effectively hostage in a foreign country. In this case, America, taking care of the children, unable to leave to return to the UK until the children are adults. As he knows full well, she is unlikely to leave the country on her own without the children.
If you separate, I hope it can be amicable.
I think one of the most uncomfortable separations I read about on here was one where the wife wanted to move back to Britain.
The husband was aware of this and moved out of the family home, leaving her with the majority of the childcare.
Knowing that he wouldn't give his permission for her to take the children out of the country she is now effectively hostage in a foreign country. In this case, America, taking care of the children, unable to leave to return to the UK until the children are adults. As he knows full well, she is unlikely to leave the country on her own without the children.
If you separate, I hope it can be amicable.
Its almost the same as my current circumstances - my wife insists on staying I dont want to and my daughter has been used as some emotional bargaining tool - I have tried reason and logic that it would be better for everyone to move home to no avail with the marriage in tatters and an increasingly volatile situation so I am throwing in the towel though I am likely to get screwed over by divorce being here is ****ing me up mentally - I think that aspect is overlooked - you just know the place isnt right and there is nothing you or anyone else can do about it
#66
Re: When 1 wants to and the other doesn,t
I don't know the why's or the thinking behind his decision. I know that at some point crunch time will come and we'll either go home together or I'll be going on my own. I've spent 14 years trying to fit in, trying to see why he loves it so much, I just don't get it.
The week before we were due to close on the house, he packed all his stuff in his trailer and made plans to leave. He said he'd cut me a check for my share of the money which I could bank once the sale had gone through........... So yes, I do think he was prepared to separate/divorce. I'm not sure how I feel about that either, I'm still a bit shell shocked by the whole thing if truth be known.
The week before we were due to close on the house, he packed all his stuff in his trailer and made plans to leave. He said he'd cut me a check for my share of the money which I could bank once the sale had gone through........... So yes, I do think he was prepared to separate/divorce. I'm not sure how I feel about that either, I'm still a bit shell shocked by the whole thing if truth be known.
The fact that it's him that's writing the cheque to you is quite concerning. Well, it is for me at least. However, your banking a finance arrangements are not my business.
How come he gets to decide how much money you will get ? Just from the proceeds of the sale of the house. Any other finances that you need to divide ? Pensions ? Savings ? Insurance Policies ? Plus any other etceteras ?
Would a phone call to a lawyer or marriage guidance counsellor or dammit even a personal counsellor/womans refuge be at least useful to you now ?
That brings me back to you, 'feeling to shell shocked to think'.
So, has he left it up to you to pack ? You pack all your belongings and make decisions about what isn't coming. This is because he's packed all his property and thinks that's the end of the matter save for writing you a cheque ?
Sorry to say this but I wonder how long ago he decided he wasn't coming and was just paying lip service to your ideas of moving as he wanted the house sold before he dropped this on you.
#67
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Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 603
Re: When 1 wants to and the other doesn,t
beachgal21,
I'm so sorry, I can only imagine what a horrible shock this has been.
I really do echo Snapshot's suggestions of speaking to some professionals. I would speak with a lawyer just to understand exactly where you would stand should you divorce and perhaps even more importantly I would speak with a therapist. You need to be able to process the situation and a good therapist would really be able to help you over the shock and to assess what you want to do now. I know it might feel like an unnecessary expense, especially when you don't have Health Insurance but I think you would find it so helpful - just be sure you use a well qualified therapist.
That said I think the loss of trust in a relationship is devastating and that is what you have lost in your husband. Any chance of him agreeing to marriage therapy? I suspect not but it is worth asking.
He may just be a total b@@@@ard or it might be that he is struggling with his own feelings and at one point really did intend to move and then discovered that he just could not do it when things got real with selling the house etc. It maybe that he then felt like he could not admit that he had changed his mind (and in doing so devastated you) so rather than admit to that he has re written history and told himself and you that he never agreed to move. Whatever went on his mind you now have to figure out what you will do.
My gut tells me that since there was clearly either a huge mis communication OR deception between you I would not put any faith in the idea that you are now just waiting for favorable exchange rates! Apart from anything else living in a hotel will soon erode any savings you might make on waiting to exchange money and as has been discussed on another thread if we could all predict the exchange rates we'd be millionaires.
Speak to a lawyer, see a therapist before you rush to a decision but in the situation you have described I think it may be that this is your best chance to return to the UK and only your husband can decide if he is coming too.
So sorry you are going through this.
I'm so sorry, I can only imagine what a horrible shock this has been.
I really do echo Snapshot's suggestions of speaking to some professionals. I would speak with a lawyer just to understand exactly where you would stand should you divorce and perhaps even more importantly I would speak with a therapist. You need to be able to process the situation and a good therapist would really be able to help you over the shock and to assess what you want to do now. I know it might feel like an unnecessary expense, especially when you don't have Health Insurance but I think you would find it so helpful - just be sure you use a well qualified therapist.
That said I think the loss of trust in a relationship is devastating and that is what you have lost in your husband. Any chance of him agreeing to marriage therapy? I suspect not but it is worth asking.
He may just be a total b@@@@ard or it might be that he is struggling with his own feelings and at one point really did intend to move and then discovered that he just could not do it when things got real with selling the house etc. It maybe that he then felt like he could not admit that he had changed his mind (and in doing so devastated you) so rather than admit to that he has re written history and told himself and you that he never agreed to move. Whatever went on his mind you now have to figure out what you will do.
My gut tells me that since there was clearly either a huge mis communication OR deception between you I would not put any faith in the idea that you are now just waiting for favorable exchange rates! Apart from anything else living in a hotel will soon erode any savings you might make on waiting to exchange money and as has been discussed on another thread if we could all predict the exchange rates we'd be millionaires.
Speak to a lawyer, see a therapist before you rush to a decision but in the situation you have described I think it may be that this is your best chance to return to the UK and only your husband can decide if he is coming too.
So sorry you are going through this.
#68
Re: When 1 wants to and the other doesn,t
As others have said, there have been posters on here that have been through a nasty relationship failure (for want of a better term) and have been stuck in their adopted country for various reasons, some never being able to go home.
#69
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Joined: Jun 2010
Location: Florida
Posts: 378
Re: When 1 wants to and the other doesn,t
Thank you all for you kind words and helpful suggestions. Yes I definitely need to see an attorney to see where I stand financially and I probably do need to see a therapist too. Having had a couple of weeks now to reflect on what's happened, I realise now how manipulative and controlling my OH has become. It wasn't always like this, but over the years he's chipped away at my self confidence until I got to the point where I didn't think I could survive as a woman on my own. Gradually I allowed him to take responsibility for everything and with that handed over the freedom to be the person that I really am. My best friend in the UK once said to me that I was in an abusive relationship and I didn't understand what she meant, when I asked her she said "he's mentally abusive to you."
That said, this has all been a huge wake up call for me and I can now see things clearly for what they are. All of a sudden I'm back to being the confident, capable and assertive person that I was when he met me. We now have a joint account and all the proceeds from the sale of the house are in there, and I have laid down new ground rules. I've made it clear to him that this isn't a forever situation for me and it's not. I'm not afraid to walk away and be my own person if I have to anymore, I know I'm more than capable of managing on my own. I still love him and would very much like him to come home with me, but something was lost amongst all this hurt ..... trust I think.
That said, this has all been a huge wake up call for me and I can now see things clearly for what they are. All of a sudden I'm back to being the confident, capable and assertive person that I was when he met me. We now have a joint account and all the proceeds from the sale of the house are in there, and I have laid down new ground rules. I've made it clear to him that this isn't a forever situation for me and it's not. I'm not afraid to walk away and be my own person if I have to anymore, I know I'm more than capable of managing on my own. I still love him and would very much like him to come home with me, but something was lost amongst all this hurt ..... trust I think.
#70
Re: When 1 wants to and the other doesn,t
Thank you all for you kind words and helpful suggestions. Yes I definitely need to see an attorney to see where I stand financially and I probably do need to see a therapist too. Having had a couple of weeks now to reflect on what's happened, I realise now how manipulative and controlling my OH has become. It wasn't always like this, but over the years he's chipped away at my self confidence until I got to the point where I didn't think I could survive as a woman on my own. Gradually I allowed him to take responsibility for everything and with that handed over the freedom to be the person that I really am. My best friend in the UK once said to me that I was in an abusive relationship and I didn't understand what she meant, when I asked her she said "he's mentally abusive to you."
That said, this has all been a huge wake up call for me and I can now see things clearly for what they are. All of a sudden I'm back to being the confident, capable and assertive person that I was when he met me. We now have a joint account and all the proceeds from the sale of the house are in there, and I have laid down new ground rules. I've made it clear to him that this isn't a forever situation for me and it's not. I'm not afraid to walk away and be my own person if I have to anymore, I know I'm more than capable of managing on my own. I still love him and would very much like him to come home with me, but something was lost amongst all this hurt ..... trust I think.
That said, this has all been a huge wake up call for me and I can now see things clearly for what they are. All of a sudden I'm back to being the confident, capable and assertive person that I was when he met me. We now have a joint account and all the proceeds from the sale of the house are in there, and I have laid down new ground rules. I've made it clear to him that this isn't a forever situation for me and it's not. I'm not afraid to walk away and be my own person if I have to anymore, I know I'm more than capable of managing on my own. I still love him and would very much like him to come home with me, but something was lost amongst all this hurt ..... trust I think.
I see though that unlike her you realised that you may have to go it alone, by yourself and go back home if you need to. Cheers and good luck!
#71
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Joined: Aug 2014
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 58
Re: When 1 wants to and the other doesn,t
Having had a couple of weeks now to reflect on what's happened, I realise now how manipulative and controlling my OH has become. It wasn't always like this, but over the years he's chipped away at my self confidence until I got to the point where I didn't think I could survive as a woman on my own. Gradually I allowed him to take responsibility for everything and with that handed over the freedom to be the person that I really am. My best friend in the UK once said to me that I was in an abusive relationship and I didn't understand what she meant, when I asked her she said "he's mentally abusive to you."
I really hope that you find a solution that works for you. As you've said, you are most definitely strong enough to stand on your own two feet and go it alone if need be. Show him that you are strong, and he will have less power over you.
#72
Re: When 1 wants to and the other doesn,t
Reading this thread made me think
My situation is a bit different yet it still involves decision-making and someone you love and conflict of interests
My father is keen for me to go to UK uni but I’m just not sure if this is what I want -- I’m very grateful to even have this opportunity to study overseas, yet I’m just not sure if this is his dream…or mine(?)
When there are attempts to try and work things out and introduce some other university/environment, the response I’ve been given was “Make your decision and don’t consult me, sometimes you just have to think about yourself” – and while this is said in a loving tone, it always makes me more scared because it’s as if I have to pick between being completely independent person with no emotional support
I like the city where we live but it’s no place to get an education. Why is it so hard to reach a win-win situation sometimes with your loved ones? Do I pick something I would love to study and risk having a strained relationship with my father for 3 years – why can’t both people try and figure out a way to benefit? Why is it lose-lose or lose-win at times?
My situation is a bit different yet it still involves decision-making and someone you love and conflict of interests
My father is keen for me to go to UK uni but I’m just not sure if this is what I want -- I’m very grateful to even have this opportunity to study overseas, yet I’m just not sure if this is his dream…or mine(?)
When there are attempts to try and work things out and introduce some other university/environment, the response I’ve been given was “Make your decision and don’t consult me, sometimes you just have to think about yourself” – and while this is said in a loving tone, it always makes me more scared because it’s as if I have to pick between being completely independent person with no emotional support
I like the city where we live but it’s no place to get an education. Why is it so hard to reach a win-win situation sometimes with your loved ones? Do I pick something I would love to study and risk having a strained relationship with my father for 3 years – why can’t both people try and figure out a way to benefit? Why is it lose-lose or lose-win at times?
#73
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Joined: Jun 2010
Location: Florida
Posts: 378
Re: When 1 wants to and the other doesn,t
This part struck a chord with me. I was in a very similar sounding relationship many years ago (not with my current OH). I got to the point where I didn't even feel like a fully functioning person any more. He controlled every aspect of my life. It took a huge effort of will, and help from my family, to leave him. Once I left him, it felt fantastic to be responsible for myself, even simple things like paying the bills myself and choosing what food to buy gave me huge satisfaction and my self-esteem recovered quickly.
I really hope that you find a solution that works for you. As you've said, you are most definitely strong enough to stand on your own two feet and go it alone if need be. Show him that you are strong, and he will have less power over you.
I really hope that you find a solution that works for you. As you've said, you are most definitely strong enough to stand on your own two feet and go it alone if need be. Show him that you are strong, and he will have less power over you.
I'm happy for you that you're out of your bad situation. Having become aware of my own situation, I'm now part way out myself. I've got my self-esteem and my self confidence back and feel much more in control of my life now.
#74
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Joined: Jun 2010
Location: Florida
Posts: 378
Re: When 1 wants to and the other doesn,t
Reading this thread made me think
My situation is a bit different yet it still involves decision-making and someone you love and conflict of interests
My father is keen for me to go to UK uni but I’m just not sure if this is what I want -- I’m very grateful to even have this opportunity to study overseas, yet I’m just not sure if this is his dream…or mine(?)
When there are attempts to try and work things out and introduce some other university/environment, the response I’ve been given was “Make your decision and don’t consult me, sometimes you just have to think about yourself” – and while this is said in a loving tone, it always makes me more scared because it’s as if I have to pick between being completely independent person with no emotional support
I like the city where we live but it’s no place to get an education. Why is it so hard to reach a win-win situation sometimes with your loved ones? Do I pick something I would love to study and risk having a strained relationship with my father for 3 years – why can’t both people try and figure out a way to benefit? Why is it lose-lose or lose-win at times?
My situation is a bit different yet it still involves decision-making and someone you love and conflict of interests
My father is keen for me to go to UK uni but I’m just not sure if this is what I want -- I’m very grateful to even have this opportunity to study overseas, yet I’m just not sure if this is his dream…or mine(?)
When there are attempts to try and work things out and introduce some other university/environment, the response I’ve been given was “Make your decision and don’t consult me, sometimes you just have to think about yourself” – and while this is said in a loving tone, it always makes me more scared because it’s as if I have to pick between being completely independent person with no emotional support
I like the city where we live but it’s no place to get an education. Why is it so hard to reach a win-win situation sometimes with your loved ones? Do I pick something I would love to study and risk having a strained relationship with my father for 3 years – why can’t both people try and figure out a way to benefit? Why is it lose-lose or lose-win at times?