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When 1 wants to and the other doesn,t

When 1 wants to and the other doesn,t

Old Aug 4th 2014, 6:34 am
  #46  
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Default Re: When 1 wants to and the other doesn,t

Always a difficult one. i have been back 3 times in six years and i still long to go back for good. My wife is English and born in England too and she is adamat that she will never go back. The Country has changed but i would say for the better since i left in 2001.
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Old Aug 4th 2014, 7:52 am
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Default Re: When 1 wants to and the other doesn,t

Originally Posted by EnglishLass
This is a sad thread, but at the same time it’s a relief to find that others feel like I do.
My situation is that I was born in England and grew up there. I moved to Australia when I was 20, travelled around and had various jobs. I then met my husband in Perth, and we now have 2 children (11 and 13). We have a pretty good life here, though we are not financially well-off.
I have still always felt that England is my home, and have always thought at the back of my mind that I would someday return. Well what I mean is that I never thought I would grow old here, and die here, if that doesn’t sound too melodramatic. I feel more English than Australian. I have never felt a real connection with this country, even though I do like it. I have never been back for a visit, as we’ve never been able to afford it, - or take that amount of time off as we run our own small business. My husband has no interest in going to England at all, and is dead against spending that amount of money.
In the last 6-12 months, I have felt an incredibly strong longing to go back. The kids have started asking me about England and this exacerbates my feelings of homesickness.
I don’t know why I feel like this. I have a husband, kids, house, business, friends – basically an established life here. Why do I feel an overwhelming urge to just buy a plane ticket and go back?? Not that I would ever leave my kids, don’t get me wrong.
I’m not even missing family and friends over there – I have no family left in England and only keep in occasional touch with one friend over there now.
I mentioned to a fellow English expat friend how I’m feeling and she thinks I’m mad, totally crazy and why on earth would I want to go back.
I can’t tell my husband how I feel, as I KNOW it sounds crazy, and I can’t even really fully explain in words how I feel. Why do I just feel like walking away from my whole life here, to go back to a country that has no doubt changed enormously? Is it just some connection I feel because I was born there, or an I just being emotional, or nostalgic, or having a mid-life crisis??? Do I go against my husband, save up some money, and go back for a holiday by myself? But how could I possibly leave the kids? I couldn’t. And I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t let me take them for a holiday. He’d probably think I’d try and stay, and I don’t know if he’d be wrong.
So sorry for the rambling, but I had to get it off my chest.
You have to talk to him! Living in limbo is crap and as a family you need to come to some sense of compromise! Marriage counselling is a good vehicle for getting those feelings across.

In answer, however, no, you are not bonkers! I think that what you are feeling is quite normal - I felt like that for 32 years and it was only the compromise that I stayed but he funded my sanity hits back when and if I needed them that kept me in the country so long. Your head may well be telling you that Aus is "home" but your heart knows it isn't!

Unfortunately if he won't go he won't go and if he is the man you want to grow old with then you will have to suck it up, but he has to play his part in facilitating your mental and physical health. You have my sympathy, it's a horrid situation! (But don't give up hope - my once 110% intransigent DH is now very happily living in UK with me!)
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Old Aug 5th 2014, 2:39 am
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Default Re: When 1 wants to and the other doesn,t

The "quote" button isn't working for some reason?

Roy1, I'm sorry for your situation and I hope you can work it out and I really sympathize with you and hope that you get the outcome you desire.

Quoll, I know I have to talk to him. I know it sounds pathetic to be worried about talking to my own husband. We've had big problems in the past, but worked through things with a lot of effort, and I'm loath to bring up a massive issue like this when I know it's going to open up such a can of worms.

I spent the whole day yesterday thinking about it and have decided to man up and talk to him, when the kids are out. If he is still totally against the idea of a trip back, I reckon I'm entitled to go anyway. I only work parttime but will just have to save like mad. I'm really hoping that he agrees for all four of us to go for an extended holiday, so that I can figure out how I feel once and for all. I still don't really understand why I feel this way, but it's not just a spur of the moment thing, I've felt like this for a long time.
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Old Aug 11th 2014, 2:09 am
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Default Re: When 1 wants to and the other doesn,t

Originally Posted by quoll
You have to talk to him! Living in limbo is crap and as a family you need to come to some sense of compromise! Marriage counselling is a good vehicle for getting those feelings across.

In answer, however, no, you are not bonkers! I think that what you are feeling is quite normal - I felt like that for 32 years and it was only the compromise that I stayed but he funded my sanity hits back when and if I needed them that kept me in the country so long. Your head may well be telling you that Aus is "home" but your heart knows it isn't!

Unfortunately if he won't go he won't go and if he is the man you want to grow old with then you will have to suck it up, but he has to play his part in facilitating your mental and physical health. You have my sympathy, it's a horrid situation! (But don't give up hope - my once 110% intransigent DH is now very happily living in UK with me!)

Well I finally sat down and talked to my husband about how I really feel. He actually took it far better than I expected (probably due to the fact that I ended up blubbing like a baby). He said he can't see himself ever wanting to live anywhere other than Australia (he's very "Australian") but has agreed that we will look at refinancing our house so we can take an extended trip over with the kids.
I don't know what will happen in the future, but it's a big step in the right direction.
Thank you, quoll, for your comments. Your situation gives me hope that just maybe he will fall in love with England and change his mind.
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Old Aug 11th 2014, 2:21 am
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Good luck anyway. Still trying to find a comprimise with my wife which may suit us all, but struggling as all my compromises points to the UK and hers point to Australia, really difficult now
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Old Aug 11th 2014, 2:34 am
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Default Re: When 1 wants to and the other doesn,t

Originally Posted by Roy1
Good luck anyway. Still trying to find a comprimise with my wife which may suit us all, but struggling as all my compromises points to the UK and hers point to Australia, really difficult now
I know, there's not exactly a halfway point or compromise with this problem is there. It does really come down to England or Australia. Every other marital problem seems to have a compromise but I can't see what that would be in this situation. I'm not sure what I will do if it comes down to the cold hard fact of choosing my husband or England. I'm trying not to think like that and take it one step at a time.

Last edited by EnglishLass; Aug 11th 2014 at 2:37 am.
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Old Aug 11th 2014, 4:55 am
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Default Re: When 1 wants to and the other doesn,t

I really can sympathise you, Roy as I am exactly in the same situation as you.

I'm a Brit, been living in NZ for over 5 years now and I'm married to a kiwi (no kids). I came to NZ by myself on a working holiday and now I'm very homesick. I've been having discussions with my O/H about going over to the UK to live and he is bit reluctant to take that risk. We have been having therapy sessions for the last few months and I think we are making progress to get our marriage/happiness on track aswell as for the future. I was the one that feels so unhappy/miserable staying in NZ, tried it and it's not working out for me. I've come to conclusion that I want to go home. The therapist said to my hubby, why cannot he go over for 6 months and try it out?? That way, if he doesn't like it, he can hop back on the plane and at least he has tried it. I think he is coming round to the idea but the trial basis is the only way to test the waters.

I know it's so hard but I know I have to think of my health and happiness too. I just got to keep talking to him and compromise and take things one at a time, instead of making major plans for the future.
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Old Aug 11th 2014, 12:31 pm
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Default Re: When 1 wants to and the other doesn,t

Wow, so many people in the same sad situation.

Englishlass, it's great you talked to your OH about how you are feeling, and that he has agreed to refinance so you can have that trip back.....yes, a huge step in the right direction.

Gal, so good to have the counsellor suggesting this six month idea--while I am not sure six months is actually long enough for someone to know if they like it, it may be the most you can get yr oH to agree to, for now....you are right, a trial run is the only way to know....and you do have to think of your own help and happiness.

Roy, do hope some sort of compromise can be found...

For everyone, it does give hope to read quoll's saying her once intransigent OH is now happily living in UK...shows people can change their stance on this.

My own DH and I are now based in UK but he is grappling with retirement --which is lovely of course but a big change--as well as living there, all at the same time, and tho it's a town he knows and likes, he is still saying he is not sure he wants to stay....i am just praying for everything to fall into place there for us/him.
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Old Aug 11th 2014, 2:42 pm
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Default Re: When 1 wants to and the other doesn,t

I really do sympathise with anyone in this situation. We returned to the UK from NZ in May this year.

I was desperately unhappy in New Zealand. Even though things weren't working out for us there my hubby loved NZ and probably would have stayed. We have a 5 year old and so her seeing me constantly unhappy was not good so we decided to come home. Hubby said he was only doing it for me which put a huge amount of pressure on me. We argued lots and lots and there were times I thought we wouldn't make it as a couple.

As the time came nearer to leaving he started to come round to the idea. We returned and he has admitted that it was the right thing to do. He loves being back home and says it is lovely to feel like he belongs somewhere again. We are happy again.

I know every situation is different but keep communicating with each other no matter how difficult or delicate the subject may seem. 6 months may not be enough but it's a starting point. 6 months is better than 0 months at all.

I wish you the best of luck and that goes out to everyone else in that situation too. It's extremely hard whichever decision is made. I used to wish I had never got on the plane to NZ but now I see it as the experience that made me stronger. Good luck. Xx
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Old Aug 11th 2014, 3:07 pm
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Default Re: When 1 wants to and the other doesn,t

Sorry to read about everyones sad situations with OH's not wanting to budge! I was in the same situation 2 years ago when I found this forum. My OH was not happy leaving Canada. However over the years I reasoned with him, did the figures for our retirement and basically pointed out we would be better off financially in UK. We went over for a holiday in 2012 and stayed in the country in Essex/Suffolk and he loved it. That was the start of me trying to get him to move back. On returning here he took off his blinkers and started to realise just how unhappy I really was and now just wants my happiness which yes, puts great pressure on me! We went back for another holiday this year to confirm that moving back was what we both want. He is now quite happy to move back. I know it is only to make me happy because he told me if I died he would stay here! His happiness is built into mine as we do not have kids together. He keeps saying "happy wife happy life" Luckily we kept a house there and will move back into it when we have sold our house here and when he retires. He does not like change at all. I am terrified that something will go wrong and we will not like it there but try not to think about that! I have to make sure it works!
If your partners love you enough they will try and compromise to find a solution to fit everyone. Give it time.
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Old Aug 12th 2014, 2:37 am
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Default Re: When 1 wants to and the other doesn,t

I've read all your post and feel really sorry for you all its such an awful position to be in, there is no easy way out of the situation. I could relate my long sad story but I wont, all I will tell you is if you dont go home you will regret if for the rest of your life and could well be stuck in the country you are in now and not be able to do a thing about it. So talk about it let your OH know how you feel and then whether its in a couple of years or next year go home, if you wait too long circumstances can take over and you wont be able to go home, if you have children you will end up like lots split between two worlds.......Good luck to you all you have to be very brave to make the move....
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Old Aug 12th 2014, 6:27 pm
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Default Re: When 1 wants to and the other doesn,t

Hey everyone,

I am homesick and desperate to move back to Britain as soon as possible. My husband was totally set against it, but after five months of listening to me as I had a nervous breakdown finally made him agree that we would save up and live there for a year and return to Norway before making any more permanent decisions. Its not much of a compromise, but it is a compromise... I'm hoping that when we actually get there and he sees how much better I am there, and that he will forget all of the preconceptions and actually enjoy it and move us home.

Try putting the idea of a year or six months there on the table. If your partner is willing to see you suffer in the worst agony any human can go through just to stay where they want without trying to see if from your side... well, its a painful painful place to be... and I wholehearted feel your pain.
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Old Aug 13th 2014, 2:20 am
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Default Re: When 1 wants to and the other doesn,t

Originally Posted by feelbritish
If your partners love you enough they will try and compromise to find a solution to fit everyone. Give it time.
That's exactly right, feelbritish, no one should want to see their partner suffer so much.

I feel better now I've got it off my chest by talking to my OH. I know it's been a huge shock to him and he's been pretty quiet since I spilled it all out but at least he knows how I feel.
One step at a time.
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Old Aug 13th 2014, 5:02 am
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Default Re: When 1 wants to and the other doesn,t

On July 30th we closed on our house, sold it to a cash buyer who brought all the contents except for our personal items. After years of being miserable in the US and wanting to return home to Britain, I finally thought it was going to happen. Sadly my OH backed out of the deal, in fact he denied ever agreeing to moving back :'( I knew he didn't really want to move home, but after 20+ years in the US on a greencard, he got his citizenship so that coming and going from the US wouldn't be a big deal for him .... that was the agreement, that we would move home but that he could come back several times a year.

I don't know what to do now to be honest, I'm so confused, hurt and feel betrayed. The poor exchange rate was a huge sticking point for him and I agreed that it wasn't an ideal situation so said we should stay a while longer until we've either got more money together or until the exchange rate improves. He readily accepted this agreement and so now we are living in a hotel while we look for another house. I guess if I'm totally honest with myself I don't believe he'll ever leave America, it'll be one excuse after another. As for me, well I dread the thought of growing old here. We're both in our early 50's and have never been able to afford health insurance. Fortunately we've both been reasonably healthy, but as we get older, there's no saying that we will remain so. I've never really settled here, never felt like I belonged and as the years have gone by and I've seen the country for what it is, truthfully I don't want to belong. Half of me wants to give my OH the benefit of the doubt and wait it out a few more years, and the other half of me wants to call it quits and go home, make a new life for myself before anymore years slip by.
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Old Aug 13th 2014, 10:56 am
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Default Re: When 1 wants to and the other doesn,t

Originally Posted by beachgal21
On July 30th we closed on our house, sold it to a cash buyer who brought all the contents except for our personal items. After years of being miserable in the US and wanting to return home to Britain, I finally thought it was going to happen. Sadly my OH backed out of the deal, in fact he denied ever agreeing to moving back :'( I knew he didn't really want to move home, but after 20+ years in the US on a greencard, he got his citizenship so that coming and going from the US wouldn't be a big deal for him .... that was the agreement, that we would move home but that he could come back several times a year.

I don't know what to do now to be honest, I'm so confused, hurt and feel betrayed. The poor exchange rate was a huge sticking point for him and I agreed that it wasn't an ideal situation so said we should stay a while longer until we've either got more money together or until the exchange rate improves. He readily accepted this agreement and so now we are living in a hotel while we look for another house. I guess if I'm totally honest with myself I don't believe he'll ever leave America, it'll be one excuse after another. As for me, well I dread the thought of growing old here. We're both in our early 50's and have never been able to afford health insurance. Fortunately we've both been reasonably healthy, but as we get older, there's no saying that we will remain so. I've never really settled here, never felt like I belonged and as the years have gone by and I've seen the country for what it is, truthfully I don't want to belong. Half of me wants to give my OH the benefit of the doubt and wait it out a few more years, and the other half of me wants to call it quits and go home, make a new life for myself before anymore years slip by.
That's a dreadful situation for you to be in.

How can your OH deny there was an agreement to return home if you've sold your house and everything?
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