Tirytory

Hi all,

We moved to Canada in January this year, we always went with muddled expections of how long we were staying, we prepared for long term (sold our house) while keeping our jobs on sabbatical. To be honest, I didn't really want to take the risk with our comfortable lives but we had gone so far down the line, I though we'd always regret it if we didn't do it.

I had terrible homesickness to start with, got better, got worse again spring time, and then life got really good here. My husband enjoys his work, lifestyle is great here, we're far better off etc etc. On this positive note, needing to be out of our rental house and lack of suitable renting options, we bought a house (fools you cry and I would completely agree). So far so good...

Untill now, terrible homesickness strikes again. We have lovely friends, but I miss our old friends more. I miss my job (I was a nurse) and nowhere near conversion here, and there's no other jobs here. I miss the area I used to live in even though it's so urban compared to the beautiful place we live in now. I miss my annual holiday to Europe. Logically everything is right here, money, friends, things to do, etc etc. But I can't shake the feeling of missing the bones of my old life... If I think about it too much I feel suffocated. How can everything be so right here and feel so wrong?

I've expressed my feelings to my husband and although he loves it here, he misses home too and doesn't want me to be miserable. Understands how I feel about my job etc. Crazy- most people would love not to work. Even my 3 yr old seven months in still wants to go home. My son has struggled to find the right fit of friends, he loves the outside stuff though. To add to complication, we found out number three is on the way and instead of thinking about staying, it makes me want to go home even more.

We still have our jobs, just, my husband actually gave verbal notice to his partnership, although not written, and they'll probably be ecstatic if he changes his mind. My job is the nhs, but to go back to my dept, I need to get a wriggle on.

So we're actually contemplating going home for the start of a new year, we're heartsick at the complication of what to do with a house, a lovely amazing house, in an area which sells badly and realtors ask crazy fees, and also the costs of coming and going.

Are we being stupid? Should we ride this homesickness out? We can't wait til we sell the house as husband will breach his sabbatical agreement. We would have to send money back and keep our fingers crossed. Is this just a stupid idea and we should stay? We're here on a twp til oct 2016, we were going to start PR soon. I don't how to decide based on feelings that fluctuate so much but I know I won't regret going back to our lives.

I appreciate it if you're still reading and any advice would be gratefully received..

dbd33

If you're not enjoying life there in the Summer then, oh dear, it's not going to get better.

Gozit

Feel for you Tirytory, I was having a bad homesick day the other day. Like you I felt suffocated.... Seeing pictures of family meeting up back there didn't help at all obviously. I'm torn as to what to say because there are so many on here who have said "If only I knew, if only I listened to my feelings 5-6 months in, I would have gone home and been happy" ... Those people are still in the US/Canada almost 50 years after that due to family/work constraints / can't afford to go back. Its really disheartening to hear stories like that. That's what I want to tell you on one hand, but on the other hand I want to tell you to ride it out, see what happens come winter. But then you're in the tricky situation of lost sabbatical, no jobs to go home to, etc. You say the homesickness passed before... Here's what I say - give it till the end of August, and if you're still feeling suffocated every day, go home. That way nothing will be of issue re kids education, number three would be born in the UK so no issues of him being a British citizen by descent, basically no interruptions besides a 8 month "vacation" to Canada.

Gozit

I agree ...

iaink

You need to make a rational decision, or at least try to. Thats hard when there are good periods and bad periods.

Make lists, pros and cons, decide what is really important to you. Try and think how you might feel 5 years from now, once jobs etc have settled down if you stay or go.

I dont envy you. The danger is that the grass is always going to seem greener the other side whichever you choose, so once you have put a finger on what it is that is unsettling you and make a choice based on that you really have to commit to your choice.

At least there is a silver lining that your other half is on board, that will make whatever you decide easier to accomplish.

JRuss87

You're definitely not crazy, my mum initially immigrated to Canada in 1972, and since then she has moved back 4 times, she eventually came back to Canada for good but says that she regrets not going back a few years back permanently and simply feels that she's too old now to up sticks and move back to Scotland for good.

The point I'm getting to is do what makes you feel happy, you don't want to simply "settle" for Canada if you want to be home, go home, you can always come back if you change your mind. If you don't act on those feelings, down the road you may regret it in hindsight and if you already have a support system that is backing you up, even more the reason.

Good luck

dunroving

I'd always err on the side of giving yourself time. You have barely been there half a year.

Maybe also post something similar on the Canada board to get a balanced perspective. Many (most?) people on MBTTUK are here because they want to move back or have moved back so they may be more predisposed to the idea of returnng.

iaink

Not so easy as they dont have Cdn citizenship and have no time to get it if they want to return to their old jobs. The potential arrival of another child that would be neither Canadian PR or citizen if born in the UK would require some additional paperwork, with the usual long wait for canadian bureaucracy to slowly grind its wheels.

Realisitically if they dont return right now, how hard would it be to land jobs in the NHS a few years from now? Shouldnt be too hard I wouldnt think?

Also doing what makes you happy is fine if that doesn't change every three months, but that doesn't seem to be the case here so could be fraught with peril and some serious financial consequences.


My default position in all these "shall I stay or should I go" threads is that you have to give it at least a year to be fair to yourself. The fact that there are jobs expiring in the UK shouldn't change that, there will be other jobs out there in future if you want to return once you are past all the culture shock and adjustment and emotional upheaval that moving countries involves.

Sally Redux

I used to think that only rich people said house and money don't bring happiness.

It's true though, over a basic point.

Tirytory

I could post on the Canadian board, but they do seem to have followed here too

DBd...I don't dislike summer here, there's lots to do!

Ian.. My job will be held for three yrs but not necessarily in my dept, which I happen to love and can't imagine doing anything other than what I was doing. My husband, if we are to go home needs to go home next yr latest if he is keep his re-registration as a GP, after that he wouldn't be able to work for a little bit until paperwork/continuing education in UK was sorted. Makes it complicated. But essentially there will always be locum work for him, just not his partnership, and he did value his partners.

Financially, he has done well out here so far, so the financial hit going back wouldn't be awful. Other than having to send money back to Canada to cover the home until it sells.

But Iaink you're right, it's hard to make a decision based on feelings. Logically Ontario is the better place in most ways, other than it doesn't have any of my family and friends here! My son asked to go home for his birthday in August to see his friends, but I'm too scared too, I might not want to leave!

Tirytory

I think that's true too..... Money is appealing, but not more appealing than my old life. We have a far superior house here to the house we came from and the house or similar we would have to go back to. But I feel a bit lost here, all essentially we've bought is more floors and a hot tub to clean...

Tirytory

iaink

We started here with no family and friends, but that changes over time. Once kids are at school there is more opportunity to make friends, and we have been fortunate to make wonderful canadian friends through work or church who are defacto aunts uncles and honorary grandparents.

Obviously thats not the same as biological family, (which in my wifes case is a positive plus point) but it goes some way to making it more like home. Then again, my wife has recently reconciled with some of her family, and having cousins within driveable distances is a thrill for the kids.

Its a tough choice, but my instinct is always going to be that if you spend less than a year there will always be that nagging doubt about "what might have been". Jobs are jobs, its nice to be working with a great group, but there are always other alternatives and they may be just as good. Ultimately at 5pm you leave them and go spent time with the important people in your life.

I get the impression that if you were working here in Canada then you would probably be happier, more social contact, less rattling around in the big house? Try and picture yourself a few years from now back nursing, kids settled in school... Where would you rather that be happening?

Tirytory

Iaink..... You appear very perceptive! You're right, and the reason I've put my feelings about my job away is because presently I only worked 10 hrs. It seemed silly to jeopardise everyone else's life for my 10 hr job. It doesn't help that my husband is self employed, if he doesn't work, no money, and I can't help out in any way. I find it stressful!

But in truth I love my work, and I will be in no way able to replicate what I could do back home in this place, certainly not without moving to a big city, Toronto or London perhaps, but them that negates the whole beautiful place thing. So as usual I feel that it comes down do I give up part of me for everyone else? Or do I take us home where I know our lives will go back to being the way they were (which I loved incidentally)?

We recently had family (brother in law and family) over too....and everyone was really upset when they had to go. It makes us wonder what we're giving up, plus the news that his dad's health has deteriorated suddenly doesn't help.

iaink

Family and ageing parents... there probably isnt a poster here who either hasnt gone through that, or is going through it, or will go through it at some point

So it comes back to rationalizing why should you stay vs why should you go back.


What was the draw of Canada in the first place? How much of that have or can you achieve? What things about the UK are going to drive you nuts after a couple of months that you have forgotten about since leaving?

Like I said, I dont envy you. If it were not for the jobs in the UK running out of time would you leave now, or wait it out longer?