scrubbedexpat097

You and your wife obviously have a history of ups and downs and yet you are still together. Maybe there is more to your marriage than you realise? Have you tried any type of counselling?

However much you say the kids are what keeps you together it may be that neither of you are ready to let go either...you have been together a long time now and before you give up maybe some professional help will determine the closure you need or feel you need.

Just a suggestion, good luck to you and I hope you find some kind of peace and happiness in your life

Sally Redux

Yes that struck me as well.

RoadWarriorFromLP

From what he said, it seems that he stays (a) for the sake of the kids (although this sort of underlying tension isn't good for kids) and (b) he doesn't want to be alone, particularly in the US.

It's hard to determine what the problem is here. He may be one of those sorts who would be unhappy anywhere, or he may genuinely be a fish out of a water who would be happier in an English ocean. It's hard to say based upon a few posts on the internet.

I do know this -- the relationship doesn't make the OP happy, and that's not something to feel guilty about. He resents -- doesn't hate, but resents -- his wife for having an affair and can't move past it. There were already issues before that, which probably contributed to both the affair and his reaction to it. I would assume that he can't quite forgive her because he doesn't see enough value in the relationship to bother trying, which is fair enough but doesn't make things easy under the same roof.

(I haven't figured out from this what's so magical about the 10 year mark. The youngest kid will be 18 in five years. Is the 10 year timeframe related to a mortgage?)

Anonimity

Many thanks for the words; we have tried counselling before. We have kept it together because there was no other option. Without the support of hers or my family, we did it all on our own. I think when the time comes, if she wants her independence here in the US, then that is fine with me and it may well be for the best for her. Meanwhile it isn't a battlefield at home so you are probably correct that there is something valuable in longevity.

Cheers, but I'm over the whole affair thing that happened. In a way I deserved it. Its history now anyway.
As for the "miserable git anywhere", hopefully you are wrong. That is a level of self-analysis which I just don't want to examine.
Suffice to say there is nothing like having a good grumble to feel better.

RoadWarriorFromLP

Based upon what you've said, I don't believe that you're over it. I'm sure that you sincerely would like to believe it, but all of your reactions say otherwise.

At some point, you will need to gain some sense of closure for this relationship that, at best, keeps you in limbo. But achieving closure requires you to (a) acknowledge your feelings, rather than try to ignore them and (b) not feel guilty for having them.

You don't trust her. Rather than fight it, you should accept this as a given. Once you've recognized that lack of trust as a reality, then the next question is whether it's worth going to trouble of trying to (re)gain that trust. I'm certain that you already know the answer to that second question.

Uncle_Bob

I have no suggestions on what to do with all your problems. But i noticed all your obsessive thinking in your post. There’s plenty of self-destructive thinking and a mindset wanting more.

You sound like you are constantly thinking about and blaming things that happened in the past. your honeymoon, the affair, your relationship with the children. That must be pretty self-defeating thinking to be carrying around.

You take chemical drugs to mask your overactive mind and resulting depressive thinking. Buts its only a temporary and incomplete relief.

Moving onto all your forward thinking. At the same time you have convinced your ego that all your problems are absolutely bound to go away 10 years in the future when you move back to England. The house paid off, the kids adults, the wife may join me etc etc. There will be "not one lasting friendship in the US" "I tell myself I will not miss it". Your ego has you convinced of what will be.

Once you get rid of thinking as a priority and replace it with awareness. Thinking then actually becomes more effective and less destructive. Allowing what is, which is now, to be as it is, because it is. Is something i learned from this book amongst others from the same author. Changing yourself can change your life, is my point.


http://www.amazon.com/The-Power-Now-...s=power+of+now

Good luck.

Pulaski

I agree with the OP. It is tough moving teenagers between schools, never mind between countries, and it is tough enough being a teenager, without throwing life altering choices into the mix. I'd sooner cut off my left arm than relocate my daughter during her teenage years.

Uncle_Bob

Or it could teach them a valuable life lesson in dealing with change?
No need to wrap them up in a cotton ball.

Besides I remember when i was at school a boy from America started school as he had just moved over. He was surrounded and had massive interest from all the girls, that kid must have had some real problems adjusting, he was probably getting laid like a champ.

paranoidandroid

+1 I can see the point of waiting until the kids are finished School though, rather than just buggering off. If that was what was holding me back, I'd be gone as soon as they were finished it.

WEBlue

Agree totally. Avoid uprooting teenagers needlessly at all costs. Dangers in the teenage years are magnified many times by an international move, and the consequences of these dangers can be life-long. These years are a small part of any adult's life, but they are vital to each kid going through them.

It's one thing if the family HAS to make the move. You bite the bullet and get through it as best you can. But if there's any choice in the matter (and especially if the teenager knows there's an adult who can freely choose) and also especially if there's divorce/separation involved, avoid it!