Opinions please

Old Jun 24th 2013, 5:08 pm
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Hello,

It'll be difficult to keep this from being a long ramble as the reason for my post spans more than 25 years of trouble. This isn't a flame and every word is true; all I am hoping for is opinions and maybe even a suggestion. The reason I am posting at this website is that expats can have the insight to judge my story / situation.

I emigrated to California in 1987 with my immediate family (Father/Sister)
Met my wife a year later and married 4 years after that.
We both became aware that the marriage wasn't ideal during the honeymoon.
She had a young daughter from a few years earlier (wasn't married) and I became her stepfather.
I had trouble living in the US pretty much from day one, but my family was here so what else was there? My Mother had died years before and her family was estranged from us due to my Father remarrying soon after.

We continued to have a difficult marriage and I was not prepared to be a Father at all (in retrospect). We were both 25 at the time.
I moved us to the other side of the US thinking that it would make me happier here and my Wife went along with it.
Unemployment followed and I saw the poor and crappy side of America. We decided that I needed to get a degree and that's what I did. It took 10 years of part time classes and now we are both ok jobwise (she's always been a Nurse). During this time, we had two children of our own, our marriage went up and down, I adopted my step-child and my unhappiness at living in the US continued. I did not go back home for 14 years.
My relationship with my now-Daughter became very difficult as she entered her late-teens and with two very young children of our own, we moved again to the South.
Again thinking by moving, things would be better for us (me - selfish).
After a few years in the South, my Wife had an affair at work, my Daughter moved out and I went into regular bouts of depression. Our fighting became more frequent and I was even considering suicide as a way out of my being trapped in America.
I love my children and they are the whole world to me; so I did not do it.

I took them all back home for the first time since we married and then the whole of life began to change for me.

Everything I had forgotten that I missed, I now realised I still needed. I reconnected with my Mother's family and a few old friends. My Wife did not really enjoy the trip, though our children did. It ran on the heels of her affair and my own misery/anger and there was a lot of poison still between us.

Since then, it has been 6 years; during which time I have been regularly taking anti-depressants which have allowed the 'scales to fall off" and now I see my/our life for what it is. Not what I imagine it.

My spirals of depression and anger are less and less these days, but in my heart, I know that the damage done to my marriage is permanent and irrevocable. We play our parts in raising our now teenage children and try to be a happy family for their sakes.

I do not hate my Wife.

I love her as she is the mother of my children (remember I lost my own). I do not think I love her as my partner anymore though. This saddens me as she is still rather confused and gets affectionate at times - I feel cold inside towards her when she becomes "lovey". Usually when she has drank a bottle of wine (another nasty result of the last 6 years is her inability to put down a glass once started).

After all that, what do I do to get through?

I have a dream and it will happen; I will return to England in 10 years.
The house will be paid off.
Our kids will be adults (they and I are both dual nat's, by the way)
My Wife has expressed mild interest at joining me, but I'd rather she did not most of the time (makes me feel rather guilty).

Then I will be 55 and can finally be home and around what is left (by then) of my family and friends.
I will leave not one lasting friendship in the US and other than the fact that my 3 children are here, I tell myself I will not miss it.

How do I get through the next 10 years?
How do I not waste it by dreaming of being home again?

Thanks for reading.
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Old Jun 24th 2013, 5:19 pm
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Wow. I feel for you. I think that you've already gone through so many years while so unhappy is really testament to your love for your children. I'm not sure I could have.

I'm not really able to offer any advice, except to say that we only get one life, and you should spend it how you want too.

Best of luck

CS
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Old Jun 24th 2013, 5:32 pm
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Originally Posted by civilservant
Wow. I feel for you. I think that you've already gone through so many years while so unhappy is really testament to your love for your children. I'm not sure I could have.

I'm not really able to offer any advice, except to say that we only get one life, and you should spend it how you want too.

Best of luck

CS
Thanks.

I did not write all that to receive pats on the back for being "noble".
Though thanks for the words.

The reason for my post is that there is no therapist or shrink who could understand the pain of homesickness. They have training and good it is, but only a friend or another in my shoes can understand and offer useful advise.

Also, don't think I am an angel. I have been a right bastard to my Wife at times and deserve divorce for things said and done. Things I am sure I would have known were wrong had I some friends in the US and therefore a way to understand how people should behave.

Ignorance isn't an excuse though and now I see clearly. I will carry much guilt to my grave for the things I have done in my marriage.

I only now care about two things; my children and my return home. I wish no ill on my Wife; she is a good person and there is an innocence in her despite all the misery we have inflicted on each other.

How do I get though and make the most of the next decade?
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Old Jun 24th 2013, 6:12 pm
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Default Re: Opinions please

Your kids are now teenagers, as you say. Why can you not move back to the UK sooner than 10 years? Teenagers can be pretty independent...they can still come visit you in the UK as teenagers, as they would do as adults later.

I'm not sure I see the logic behind waiting 10 years for something you basically want ASAP.

Rene
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Old Jun 24th 2013, 6:39 pm
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I think the first thing you need to do is try to find some friends in which to confide and talk things through. Start by giving your town or at least area and see if anyone here lives near you and will arrange to get together (same sex or couples recommended - no need to risk antagonizing the situation!). Bring your wife along if possible so nothing is conceived as being 'behind her back'.

At least you realize that it 'takes two to tango' and that the blame is on both sides. Counseling may help, but a good chat with a good friend is probably more effective and certainly cheaper!
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Old Jun 24th 2013, 6:44 pm
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I wouldn't be waiting (another) ten years to do something I was already certain i was going to do. You only get one life.
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Old Jun 24th 2013, 6:55 pm
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Originally Posted by Noorah101
Your kids are now teenagers, as you say. Why can you not move back to the UK sooner than 10 years? Teenagers can be pretty independent...they can still come visit you in the UK as teenagers, as they would do as adults later.
I'm not sure I see the logic behind waiting 10 years for something you basically want ASAP.
Rene
The logic is very simple.
They are my own flesh and blood and the reason I continue living in America
I make that choice every day to be their Father here.

Originally Posted by Guindalf
I think the first thing you need to do is try to find some friends in which to confide and talk things through. Start by giving your town or at least area and see if anyone here lives near you and will arrange to get together (same sex or couples recommended - no need to risk antagonizing the situation!). Bring your wife along if possible so nothing is conceived as being 'behind her back'.

At least you realize that it 'takes two to tango' and that the blame is on both sides. Counseling may help, but a good chat with a good friend is probably more effective and certainly cheaper!
My Wife is not really sociable, which has been one of the many problems we have. I prefer to socialise, but find it very, very hard to connect with American men.
If I was going to make at least one strong friendship here, I think it would have happened over the last 25 years.
Haven't given up though - I am in a couple of common interest clubs and mix a bit. You cannot discuss these things with most American men though.

Originally Posted by Nutek
I wouldn't be waiting (another) ten years to do something I was already certain i was going to do. You only get one life.
Oh, I am well aware of that thought.
But they come before me at the moment.
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Old Jun 24th 2013, 7:01 pm
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Originally Posted by Noorah101
Your kids are now teenagers, as you say. Why can you not move back to the UK sooner than 10 years? Teenagers can be pretty independent...they can still come visit you in the UK as teenagers, as they would do as adults later.

I'm not sure I see the logic behind waiting 10 years for something you basically want ASAP.

Rene
+1

Can't phathom why you are think you need to wait 10 years to pursue your dream. Give the teenagers the choice of where they wish to live, the US or the UK. They have the right to live in either country.

You apparently wish to finance their college educations but if they went to "uni" in the UK, won't it be much cheaper for you for them to do just that?

Regardless who is at fault, and it appears to be joint, at the breakdown of your marriage, staying in a relationship without love and companionship only makes a home filled with resentment and dislike. Do for yourself first, and your happiness will eventually transmit itself to your children. Good luck.
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Old Jun 24th 2013, 7:07 pm
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Originally Posted by Anonimity
~


My Wife is not really sociable, which has been one of the many problems we have. I prefer to socialise, but find it very, very hard to connect with American men.
If I was going to make at least one strong friendship here, I think it would have happened over the last 25 years.
Haven't given up though - I am in a couple of common interest clubs and mix a bit. You cannot discuss these things with most American men though.

~
I think you missed the part where I said 'start by giving your town or at least area of the country (and maybe your home town in the UK, too).

The reason for that is maybe, just maybe, there are some ex-pats here that would get together with you, so you would at least have a fellow Brit to talk to (of course, unless they're a Geordie!!! )
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Old Jun 24th 2013, 7:18 pm
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Originally Posted by Rete
+1

Can't phathom why you are think you need to wait 10 years to pursue your dream. Give the teenagers the choice of where they wish to live, the US or the UK. They have the right to live in either country.

You apparently wish to finance their college educations but if they went to "uni" in the UK, won't it be much cheaper for you for them to do just that?

Regardless who is at fault, and it appears to be joint, at the breakdown of your marriage, staying in a relationship without love and companionship only makes a home filled with resentment and dislike. Do for yourself first, and your happiness will eventually transmit itself to your children. Good luck.
They are 15 and 13.
I'm not thinking of college for them - I went through it under my own steam and will help out at first, but mostly it'll be up to them.

I don't care about fault anymore. My home isn't full of arguments anymore, we have the odd squabble, but nothing like their friends' experiences.

Look - I'd go tomorrow if I felt like I could leave them.

For a while my Wife and I considered divorce very seriously. the reason I did not leave is where would I go? Only to England.
Living in the US without being under the same roof would be hell.

I appreciate that "you only live once", but frankly, it does not apply in this case. At least I chose to not let it apply, anyway.
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Old Jun 24th 2013, 7:24 pm
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Originally Posted by Guindalf
I think you missed the part where I said 'start by giving your town or at least area of the country (and maybe your home town in the UK, too).

The reason for that is maybe, just maybe, there are some ex-pats here that would get together with you, so you would at least have a fellow Brit to talk to (of course, unless they're a Geordie!!! )
Such as "meetup.com"?
Tried it.
Might try it again.

There are a lot of Scottish women around here - which is a bit worrying.

Met a Taffy recently who commented that its difficult to find friends on his level here. You could read several things into that but he seemed a decent enough bloke. Tried to contact him - perhaps try again, then.

Cheers "man".
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Old Jun 24th 2013, 7:28 pm
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Just point taffy at the sheep and he'll be happy.

So, you still missed out telling us where you're from and where you're living now (generalization, not addresses!).
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Old Jun 24th 2013, 7:45 pm
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Originally Posted by Anonimity
The logic is very simple.
They are my own flesh and blood and the reason I continue living in America
I make that choice every day to be their Father here.
In that case, it will be this very thought and conviction that gets you through the next 10 years, if you choose to stay in the USA 10 more years.

However, they will still be your flesh and blood even as adults, you will still be their father. I can see if you have a 13-year old, you might want to stick around to be a good father figure for his formative years. But once they get to be 17 or 18, it would be OK to consider them "adult", and you can then leave. You say they are currently teenagers, so at the very low end, they are 13 and 14 years old. Which means you only have another 5 years or so in the USA until te 13 year old is an adult (not 10 as you wrote).

Rene
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Old Jun 24th 2013, 7:51 pm
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Originally Posted by Guindalf
Just point taffy at the sheep and he'll be happy.

So, you still missed out telling us where you're from and where you're living now (generalization, not addresses!).
My family are all from Bristol.
We live in Virginia.

Originally Posted by Noorah101
In that case, it will be this very thought and conviction that gets you through the next 10 years, if you choose to stay in the USA 10 more years.

However, they will still be your flesh and blood even as adults, you will still be their father. I can see if you have a 13-year old, you might want to stick around to be a good father figure for his formative years. But once they get to be 17 or 18, it would be OK to consider them "adult", and you can then leave. You say they are currently teenagers, so at the very low end, they are 13 and 14 years old. Which means you only have another 5 years or so in the USA until te 13 year old is an adult (not 10 as you wrote).

Rene
Oh yes, I have thought of this as well.
Time will tell how things are in another 5 years.
10 years will stand me in good stead to not ever have to work again.
A simple gypsy existence will be just fine, thanks.

I appreciate all your comments and some plain "this is just life" statements will not offend. Nor will criticisms.
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Old Jun 24th 2013, 8:20 pm
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Often when people get to the stage of asking for advice like this they have already worked out what it is that they really need/want to do and are asking for reassurance and/or permission to do it.

I am not sure whether or not that is true in your case.

You have already discovered that just moving somewhere else doesn't help - problems have a way of following you.

Ultimately you need to decide what you need to do and then just do it. I wasted far too many years of my life in a relationship that wasn't working and I now wish that I had gotten out of it about 10 years sooner than I actually did.

While I understand that you want to be there for your kids while they are growing up it may not be the best thing for them to be living with a dad who is depressed and resentful of the relationship that he is in ...

No easy answers here - good luck!
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