Beccarose

So on par with so many other threads about losing one's mind, or going troppo, etc, I also feel like I am absolutely losing it all. My mind, my patience, my ability to still see the good in people, my light hearted nature- it's all disappearing right before my very eyes.

It's now May 18th, which means it's just a month and 2 days until school is out, which if going by the plan it also means we only have just over a month left until we leave.

Here's where everything seems to be going to poop. I've been faced with a horrible time with bureaucracy in a matter that absolutely has to be handled before we leave. It's a matter of obtaining a simple Medallion Signature Guarantee on a form- should be easy right? Well, no one wants to do it. The two banks I bank with have consulted legal and have tasked me with doing the impossible before they will even consider it, it would be easier to just chop off my own leg and hand it to them.

Not a single thing is set for the move. Nothing. We have a house full of stuff, all needing to have something done with it.
No jobs have been situated.
The animals are not yet situated.
I've contacted so many letting agents I could write a book about it and am hitting bricks walls left and right, no one seems to want to deal with us.
I've found out that renting out our house here will not cover our mortgage payment.
I waited too long to get us all into the dentist and have now found out that 3 of the 6 of us need extensive work- which yes, I realize can also be done once we move, but we have dental insurance now, we won't once we move. Not that dental insurance covers much of anything, with insurance the work I need comes out to 3k- and that is literally all fillings (7 total- 2 or 3 being on single teeth) and none of them being too major. Please please tell me dentists in the UK does not charge the insane fees we are faced with in the US?
I can't even breath anymore there is so much to think about, sort out and handle. And I am faced with doing it all. I know I should be able to ask bits and pieces of my kids but the griping I get in return makes it kind of easier to just do it myself. My husband- isn't doing a single thing. He claims to be excited about this move and all for it, but when it comes to actually doing anything to make it happen- he's entirely unhelpful. I know I should just take a deep breath and start listing off duties for all of us, it would make things so much easier, but I don't want to be the drill sergeant. I don't want to have to dictate who does what- I realize it will probably come down to that though. I'm just having a major vent about my husband, he has built himself an RC plane and so that takes up all of his free time now and yes, I know he should be able to relax too and enjoy his time off, but I am drowning here.
I can't even get anything straight enough in my own head to be able to know where to begin.
Before you say something along the lines of "you should have figured this out long ago" or "maybe you should consider postponing the move", please don't, it doesn't really help anything.

Almo

Hi Beccarose,

Wow, it sounds like things are stressful for you right now! Realistically, can you make the move happen in the time you have left? I'm not sure how firm your times are, I guess you're governed by wanting the kids in school by September?

Can the move work with the rent for your house not covering the mortgage? If yes, and if you can make the move happen in time how about writing out a list here. I think you will need to enlist kids and hubby, unfortunately, it sounds like there is simply far too much to do otherwise. I'm sure people here can help with organising your list, giving tips on getting things done and reminding you of thing you may forget.

Right now, it sounds like a bath and a good book might be in order, or you're going to go insane!

dunroving

Could you default on the mortgage? Or would you potentially make money if you eventually sell it?

Re: dentists, I don't know why you would bother with getting it done before you leave, insurance or not. The co-pay is probably more than you would be billed, total, by a UK dentist. Making yourself go to the dentist for major work in your last month seems almost masochistic.

Perth

Agree with dunroving. Scrap the dentist! Get that done there. That alone would stress me out.

Next, stop tip-toeing around your family. You are not the only one leaving so you should not be the only one doing all the work. Delegate!

Hang in there love. It will all work itself out. But you need the support of your family, and you need to tell them that.

SanDiegogirl

Sorry, but I am going to be unhelpful.

You have been posting about this move since November 2011. You have asked numerous questions about where to move to in the UK, and have received numerous answers.

You have not sorted out where to live in the UK, have no accommodation to go to, no jobs from what I understand, have done nothing with your furniture and cannot cover your current mortgage with rent. In one of your previous postings you said your husband and children don't want to move anyway. It's you that have this urge to live in the UK - or anywhere else apart from where you are now by the sounds of it.

You are not getting the help you want nor the support because your family don't want to move!

You are in no way ready to move to the UK, nor have the necessary facilities when you arrive there. It would be a disaster.

Beccarose

I think you're very right, thank you for your kind works and support.
Realistically, I think the move could happen in the time we have, it's just finding a way to do it. Finding a way to do all that needs to be done.
I think a list is a good idea, thanks for that. And yes, enlisting the help is mandatory.

Dunroving and perthhomeschool, thanks for the thoughts on the dentist. It makes perfect sense, and I have enough experience to know for sure that many dentists (here at least) are after the big bucks, trying to shove work in that is not even necessary. Infuriating.

perthhomeschool, thanks for the support, I appreciate it and just some calm words will work wonders. You're right, I need to let my family know what's going on for me.

I'm going to start on a list and get some thoughts out, thanks so much for the ideas.

larrabee

Beccarose, I've been thinking a lot about your predicament and I must say that SanDiegogirl's post did give me a different perspective.

Making this huge move and all that is involved is bloody hard work, there are no two ways about it.
The only reason that I got down to the business of getting what had to be done, done was the fact that I was so extremely highly motivated to get my husband, cats and myself home so that I could get back to caring for my elderly father.
Is the fact that you have so few of the essential components in place so late in the game because there is just the slimmest of possibilities that actually, you don't want to move as much as you think that you do?

Unless your motivation to move can overcome your inertia then it seems that the move won't happen. After all, as I tell myself every time there is a task in front of me that I don't particularly want to face, "well (insert dreaded chore here) won't do itself."

With that said, what can be done to help you with getting the ball rolling?
It's not a question of just making a list, the things that need to be done have to be prioritized.
There is some degree of overlap but there is a natural order that things fall into.

First- do you have your EU permits yet? Do you have a place to live?
Without either of those things in place then you can't move so you should start there. The move in date will also give you a reference point. Without this you can't choose a date to book your travel.
Have you had the dogs chipped and vaccinated yet? This just takes one quick visit to the vet- boom done!
Next- your belongings- call a few shippers, get a few quotes, pick one.
Cars- I'm assuming you have one or two to sell? Give that job to your husband.
House- We rented so I'm not well informed in that department but it seems like the better option would be to sell rather than taking a loss each month anyway. Maybe husband could take the lead on this too?
Book flights (assuming you have a place to stay by this time) for people and animals.
Confirm date with shippers.
Make final vet appt. Allow time for trip to USDA for certification of paperwork.
Submit change of address forms to post office, call utility companies etc.
Dentist- If fillings are all you need then get it done in the UK. I think the most I've paid here was 20gbp. If you need a crown then it would be cheaper in the US. Also, as has been mentioned, this is pretty much at the bottom of your list of priorities although you don't want anyone to end up with toothache so don't put it off too long.

I'm not going to touch on the job situation as I see you have been active in the thread to which I was going to refer you.

Now, don't just dwell on the list making. If you really do want to move, get on with the doing.

Almo

Actually, larrabee makes a very good point about the animals - there will come a point where you simply can't move by your planned date because of those timescales.

Pistolpete2

As I recall, OP was looking to stay in the UK for an initial period of one year.

IF, the ultimate choice of location - Torquay, proves or is now anticipated to be more than satisfactory, does this open things up so that the OP can look longer term. If so, does this then allow for the sale of the US property and a buy in the UK as opposed to renting. This latter situation might make things much easier, particularly as renting properties which will accommodate pets can be very limiting in terms of supply, in urban areas. On the face of it, on a short-term basis, it might be better to be a little outside Torquay in the country, until properly settled, for the sake of doggy-friendly-lettings.

Note that the UK economy is just starting to show signs of very moderate improvement and financing initiatives and buy-to-letters are helping the property market move to the positive so buying in areas perceived quality is looking like a better deal. Of course the US property market is now looking robust enough in many areas to be showing signs of the familiar froth, so it doesn't seem such a bad time to consider selling either.

Dollar / pound exchange rates are very hard to predict at this point though the dollar has generally strengthened in recent days as US economic stats have turned more favourable than anybody else's.

aries

Beccarose, I think you should involve your husband more, playing with his remote control plane at this stage of events and not taking his share of the responsibility of moving is unfair. Does he not want to move?

Beccarose

Animals are going to stay behind with my son until 1) we have a home rented and 2) heat restrictions are lifted and they are permitted to fly. So while yes, generally the animals would be priority number one due to time restrictions, in our case we have that figured out.

House here will be rented out, we are already well on our way to making that happen.

No house has been established to move to because the plan is to stay in holiday lodging until we have looked around ourselves and found what will suit us.

Aries, you're right, my husband does need to be more involved. He is all in for the move but like it is for all of us- it is scary and to answer larrabees' question about maybe there being a slim possibility that I don't actually want to move as much as I am telling myself- yes, I think so, again, it's extremely scary and just like any huge move/change in a person's life it's frightening and always so much easier to just take the easy way out, to just not do it. I am sure my husband and our kids would prefer the path known to the path unknown. I am also scared. Remember none of us have ever lived in the UK.

Pistolpete2, you're right, what we are doing is not a full blown move, it's a trial basis. I would never throw us under the bus so to speak and just uproot the whole family without having given it a good shot first. We are leaving behind most of our possessions and only taking essentials.

My post, like most of my others, are a result of my brain running rampant. My letting my thoughts go out of control and worrying way too much.
And hoping for some support, someone to say "breath, it will all work out", because I know it will, I just sometimes focus on the stress of it all way too much.

larrabee, I liked your reply, thank you for that, seeing it all in list form helps so much to see and realise that 'hey, this isn't so bad' and not just a huge jumbled mess inside of my head.

pfromuk

Hi Beccarose, it sounds like you have a lot of issues to deal with.

One of, if not the most important one is finding somewhere to live in the UK.
I can understand letting agents being reluctant to deal with you as you have no jobs or credit history.
Some suggestions (speaking as someone who has rented many properties in 3 different countries)
Try to obtain written character references of any sort from any sources. Did you pay your mortgage on time in the US? If so try and get a refererence from your bank saying so. Have you ever rented property? If so try and get a retrospective reference from that letting agency to say you were good tenants. Have you used an accountant to do your tax returns? Get a letter from them saying you are financially sound and prudent. Are you going to be letting or selling your house through an agent? If so make giving them the business conditional on them giving you a reference letter that states they have met with you at your house on several occassions and it has always been neat, tidy, well looked after etc and that they can vouch you would make a good tenant.
Can you afford to pay a bigger deposit than the UK agencies are looking for or even pay several months rent up front in good faith?

Failing all this I think you need to have a good, honest, straight talk to the managers of a few letting agencies to get their suggestions on what else you can to to improve your chances of getting a property.

With all the transient European and other immigrants the UK is having to deal with at the moment I'm sure it will be possible to persuade someone to give a decent family a chance at letting a property one way or another.

Hopes this helps a bit.

penguinsix

I've made four or five international moves in the last dozen years and making a list has been the only way we've stayed sane. It's just too hard to juggle all of this in your head. You've got to make a list of the today, this week, next month, last week, and last day "things to do". It's gotta be spelled out and put on the fridge, updated every week with new things and whatnot.

We actually have a WIKI on things to put on the list. Some will apply, some won't, but it's a good place to start.

http://britishexpats.com/wiki/List_o...n_about_Moving

You can't muddle through this. Well you can but it will take twice as long and you might lose your sanity. Be the drill instructor for the next few weeks and take a vacation as a reward when you get back home.

Good luck.

Beccarose

Actually both of those replies were amazing, thank you both so much!!!

pfromuk- really good suggestions, thanks! I never would have thought of getting references, definitely will do this. We also plan on putting more down as a deposit or paying more months up front.

penguinsix- thanks for that, you're right, lists are important and I have been working hard on doing that as well as achieving goals from those lists. Thanks for linking the wiki, I did not know about that. Extremely helpful!