American born "British" baby
Oct 19th 2010, 4:04 pm
#31
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Re: American born "British" baby
So sorry about all this stress Samba. Your daughter and soon to be grandchild are well loved already, keep your chin up! 
Let us know how the legal consultation goes.
Let us know how the legal consultation goes.
Oct 19th 2010, 4:12 pm
#32
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Re: American born "British" baby
Do you know that for a stone-cold fact? Something tells me that may not be enough protection.
Samba, please, please, pleeeease get a real family law consultation or even two.
About the boy 'stepping up'... have any of you tried telling him; 'Supply X$ weekly toward the baby fund.' or something else specific? You may be asking him to imagine what stepping up looks like to you, without giving him sufficient direction.
Samba, please, please, pleeeease get a real family law consultation or even two.
About the boy 'stepping up'... have any of you tried telling him; 'Supply X$ weekly toward the baby fund.' or something else specific? You may be asking him to imagine what stepping up looks like to you, without giving him sufficient direction.
Oct 19th 2010, 4:25 pm
#33
He/him
Joined: Dec 2006
Location: WA
Posts: 18,856
Re: American born "British" baby
Point of clarification, for Washington state, at least. To be included on the birth certificate, it is an Affidavit of Parenthood, that an unmarried father signs.
Oct 19th 2010, 4:35 pm
#34
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Re: American born "British" baby
Do you know that for a stone-cold fact? Something tells me that may not be enough protection.
Samba, please, please, pleeeease get a real family law consultation or even two.
About the boy 'stepping up'... have any of you tried telling him; 'Supply X$ weekly toward the baby fund.' or something else specific? You may be asking him to imagine what stepping up looks like to you, without giving him sufficient direction.
Samba, please, please, pleeeease get a real family law consultation or even two.
About the boy 'stepping up'... have any of you tried telling him; 'Supply X$ weekly toward the baby fund.' or something else specific? You may be asking him to imagine what stepping up looks like to you, without giving him sufficient direction.
We advised our daughter to ask him for a specific dollar amount to be paid into her account - that hasn't as yet materialized. I do feel there is a sense of being overwhelmed on his behalf but I can not get past the fact that not once has he come to myself or my Husband and said look this is the situation, this is what I can afford at the moment. He seems unable to support himself, says he doesn't come over to our Daughter because he can't afford the gas and yet tells everyone they are getting an apartment in Newport Beach. Another reason he can't come over to see her as much is because he is working so hard and such long hours.. well which is it?
We literally told him months ago that we would open our home to him. Help them both on a path to financial independance. My Husband offered him advice about everything from starting a company to dealing with unions to budgeting - whatever they needed we would help them and support them. My Daughter has got up every single morning and gone to her course, worked very hard right up until last friday when she finished - she hasn't had a penny to call her own throughout the pregnancy, unable to go and buy her child a single item - she has sacrificed for the long term benefits. He hasn't - he hasn't had to change a single thing about his life.
Oct 19th 2010, 4:39 pm
#35
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Re: American born "British" baby
You make a really good point - and I had thought a lot about that. When we all had a conversation a few weeks back my Husband asked him what he earns and his outgoings and what he felt he could contribute - no matter how small. He talks in rhyme - I can't explain it in any other way. He skirts around it.
We advised our daughter to ask him for a specific dollar amount to be paid into her account - that hasn't as yet materialized. I do feel there is a sense of being overwhelmed on his behalf but I can not get past the fact that not once has he come to myself or my Husband and said look this is the situation, this is what I can afford at the moment. He seems unable to support himself, says he doesn't come over to our Daughter because he can't afford the gas and yet tells everyone they are getting an apartment in Newport Beach. Another reason he can't come over to see her as much is because he is working so hard and such long hours.. well which is it?
We literally told him months ago that we would open our home to him. Help them both on a path to financial independance. My Husband offered him advice about everything from starting a company to dealing with unions to budgeting - whatever they needed we would help them and support them. My Daughter has got up every single morning and gone to her course, worked very hard right up until last friday when she finished - she hasn't had a penny to call her own throughout the pregnancy, unable to go and buy her child a single item - she has sacrificed for the long term benefits. He hasn't - he hasn't had to change a single thing about his life.
We advised our daughter to ask him for a specific dollar amount to be paid into her account - that hasn't as yet materialized. I do feel there is a sense of being overwhelmed on his behalf but I can not get past the fact that not once has he come to myself or my Husband and said look this is the situation, this is what I can afford at the moment. He seems unable to support himself, says he doesn't come over to our Daughter because he can't afford the gas and yet tells everyone they are getting an apartment in Newport Beach. Another reason he can't come over to see her as much is because he is working so hard and such long hours.. well which is it?
We literally told him months ago that we would open our home to him. Help them both on a path to financial independance. My Husband offered him advice about everything from starting a company to dealing with unions to budgeting - whatever they needed we would help them and support them. My Daughter has got up every single morning and gone to her course, worked very hard right up until last friday when she finished - she hasn't had a penny to call her own throughout the pregnancy, unable to go and buy her child a single item - she has sacrificed for the long term benefits. He hasn't - he hasn't had to change a single thing about his life.
Where are his parents in all this?
Oct 19th 2010, 4:42 pm
#36
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Re: American born "British" baby
You make a really good point - and I had thought a lot about that. When we all had a conversation a few weeks back my Husband asked him what he earns and his outgoings and what he felt he could contribute - no matter how small. He talks in rhyme - I can't explain it in any other way. He skirts around it.
We advised our daughter to ask him for a specific dollar amount to be paid into her account - that hasn't as yet materialized. I do feel there is a sense of being overwhelmed on his behalf but I can not get past the fact that not once has he come to myself or my Husband and said look this is the situation, this is what I can afford at the moment. He seems unable to support himself, says he doesn't come over to our Daughter because he can't afford the gas and yet tells everyone they are getting an apartment in Newport Beach. Another reason he can't come over to see her as much is because he is working so hard and such long hours.. well which is it?
We literally told him months ago that we would open our home to him. Help them both on a path to financial independance. My Husband offered him advice about everything from starting a company to dealing with unions to budgeting - whatever they needed we would help them and support them. My Daughter has got up every single morning and gone to her course, worked very hard right up until last friday when she finished - she hasn't had a penny to call her own throughout the pregnancy, unable to go and buy her child a single item - she has sacrificed for the long term benefits. He hasn't - he hasn't had to change a single thing about his life.
We advised our daughter to ask him for a specific dollar amount to be paid into her account - that hasn't as yet materialized. I do feel there is a sense of being overwhelmed on his behalf but I can not get past the fact that not once has he come to myself or my Husband and said look this is the situation, this is what I can afford at the moment. He seems unable to support himself, says he doesn't come over to our Daughter because he can't afford the gas and yet tells everyone they are getting an apartment in Newport Beach. Another reason he can't come over to see her as much is because he is working so hard and such long hours.. well which is it?
We literally told him months ago that we would open our home to him. Help them both on a path to financial independance. My Husband offered him advice about everything from starting a company to dealing with unions to budgeting - whatever they needed we would help them and support them. My Daughter has got up every single morning and gone to her course, worked very hard right up until last friday when she finished - she hasn't had a penny to call her own throughout the pregnancy, unable to go and buy her child a single item - she has sacrificed for the long term benefits. He hasn't - he hasn't had to change a single thing about his life.
As a mum my heart goes out to you.
Oct 19th 2010, 4:50 pm
#37
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Re: American born "British" baby
His Brother has 3 Daughters - all of whom have been adopted. I know this will sound harsh but we've all got our sob stories - but at some point you have to pull up your sleeves and crack on.
Oct 19th 2010, 4:57 pm
#38
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Re: American born "British" baby
Samba, I have to join the queue and add my 2 cents. The young man is exhibiting all the classic symptoms of being bi-polar/manic-depressive. They are exactly the same signs that my first husband exhibited when we were first married. I can see no joy coming from this relationship for either your family, your daughter or your grandchild.
This young man has a medical and possibly an emotional problem that is going to cause problems with his attaining adult and becoming a contributing member of society, let alone a husband or father.
There is another grandparent(s) involved here and they should also have contacted you to see what role they can play in their future grandchild's life. If it were your son who inpregnanted a young girl, you would already be buying clothes, baby furniture, offering to assist in any way possible to make this time in their lives easier. I can't see that his family has done anything to ease the burden from yours or your daughter's shoulders.
Your daughter is about to become a mother. She needs to be firm in demanding respect from the baby's father, monetary and emotional support. If they are not forthcoming, then she needs to close the door to this relationship. It will be hurtful for her but her future decisions have to center around the child.
This young man has a medical and possibly an emotional problem that is going to cause problems with his attaining adult and becoming a contributing member of society, let alone a husband or father.
There is another grandparent(s) involved here and they should also have contacted you to see what role they can play in their future grandchild's life. If it were your son who inpregnanted a young girl, you would already be buying clothes, baby furniture, offering to assist in any way possible to make this time in their lives easier. I can't see that his family has done anything to ease the burden from yours or your daughter's shoulders.
Your daughter is about to become a mother. She needs to be firm in demanding respect from the baby's father, monetary and emotional support. If they are not forthcoming, then she needs to close the door to this relationship. It will be hurtful for her but her future decisions have to center around the child.
Oct 19th 2010, 5:00 pm
#39
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Re: American born "British" baby
That's not quite true. If he doesn't pay child support, he still has the right to see the child. You cannot deprive the child from seeing their parent, even if he is a loser.
If he doesn't pay child support, then she can apply to be supported by the state, i.e. welfare check, WIC, subsidised housing, tuitition money for college, free books, Medicaid/MediCal, food stamps, free formula, etc. In order to get all of this help she would have to be unmarried, and he would have to undergo a paternity test (so that the state can know who to go after for repayment of CS - or jail). I believe the mother can still live at home and receive most of that help (not housing help of course). It has nothing to do with how much her parents make (it's not their child). It's all about what assets the mother has. Your daughter would have the choice of having the baby paid for by Medicaid/MediCal, or on your husband's insurance.
I have a friend whose daughter was in same position. Friend and her hubby have well paid jobs, and the girl lived at home. I can't remember all the details, and this is in a different state, but just relaying a little info that I heard her rant on about.
To leave California, he would have to agree to it, and sign his rights away.
If he doesn't pay child support, then she can apply to be supported by the state, i.e. welfare check, WIC, subsidised housing, tuitition money for college, free books, Medicaid/MediCal, food stamps, free formula, etc. In order to get all of this help she would have to be unmarried, and he would have to undergo a paternity test (so that the state can know who to go after for repayment of CS - or jail). I believe the mother can still live at home and receive most of that help (not housing help of course). It has nothing to do with how much her parents make (it's not their child). It's all about what assets the mother has. Your daughter would have the choice of having the baby paid for by Medicaid/MediCal, or on your husband's insurance.
I have a friend whose daughter was in same position. Friend and her hubby have well paid jobs, and the girl lived at home. I can't remember all the details, and this is in a different state, but just relaying a little info that I heard her rant on about.
To leave California, he would have to agree to it, and sign his rights away.
Where would we even go to find out about these things - Social Security office?
Oct 19th 2010, 5:05 pm
#40
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Re: American born "British" baby
Samba, I have to join the queue and add my 2 cents. The young man is exhibiting all the classic symptoms of being bi-polar/manic-depressive. They are exactly the same signs that my first husband exhibited when we were first married. I can see no joy coming from this relationship for either your family, your daughter or your grandchild.
Oct 19th 2010, 5:11 pm
#41
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Re: American born "British" baby
I can't get started on his family. Well we've never met them. Mum left him and his 2 brothers when they were young teenagers I think. He has had a tough upbringing by what he says. One of the first things he told me was that he has never really had a family - I told him that he had a family in us as long as he did right by our Daughter.. His Brother has 3 Daughters - all of whom have been adopted.
I know this will sound harsh but we've all got our sob stories - but at some point you have to pull up your sleeves and crack on.
His Brother has 3 Daughters - all of whom have been adopted. I know this will sound harsh but we've all got our sob stories - but at some point you have to pull up your sleeves and crack on.
and tell the winging plonker to "suck it up and pay up"..
Oct 19th 2010, 5:18 pm
#42
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Re: American born "British" baby
Samba, I have to join the queue and add my 2 cents. The young man is exhibiting all the classic symptoms of being bi-polar/manic-depressive. They are exactly the same signs that my first husband exhibited when we were first married. I can see no joy coming from this relationship for either your family, your daughter or your grandchild.
This young man has a medical and possibly an emotional problem that is going to cause problems with his attaining adult and becoming a contributing member of society, let alone a husband or father.
There is another grandparent(s) involved here and they should also have contacted you to see what role they can play in their future grandchild's life. If it were your son who inpregnanted a young girl, you would already be buying clothes, baby furniture, offering to assist in any way possible to make this time in their lives easier. I can't see that his family has done anything to ease the burden from yours or your daughter's shoulders.
Your daughter is about to become a mother. She needs to be firm in demanding respect from the baby's father, monetary and emotional support. If they are not forthcoming, then she needs to close the door to this relationship. It will be hurtful for her but her future decisions have to center around the child.
This young man has a medical and possibly an emotional problem that is going to cause problems with his attaining adult and becoming a contributing member of society, let alone a husband or father.
There is another grandparent(s) involved here and they should also have contacted you to see what role they can play in their future grandchild's life. If it were your son who inpregnanted a young girl, you would already be buying clothes, baby furniture, offering to assist in any way possible to make this time in their lives easier. I can't see that his family has done anything to ease the burden from yours or your daughter's shoulders.
Your daughter is about to become a mother. She needs to be firm in demanding respect from the baby's father, monetary and emotional support. If they are not forthcoming, then she needs to close the door to this relationship. It will be hurtful for her but her future decisions have to center around the child.
Thanks Rete. My Daughter did end her relationship with him last night and told him he now has to show that he can step up in every sense of the word or there would be no chance of reconcilling. Of course they would communicate about the baby. Seeing her doing something that was so against what was in her heart was devastating, but I am incredibly proud of her.
They had dinner with his Dad and step mom this past weekend and my Daughter explained our position. They very kindly said they understood where we were coming from. Thanks
. This is the same Father that apperantely has caused my Daughters boyfriend nothing but stress in the past few months because he kept letting him down on work and wages etc.On the point if it were my son - we would have kicked him up and down the street until he realised his responsibilties. My Husband said to the boyfriend, if you were my son I would give you a swift kick up the ar$e!
Oct 19th 2010, 5:26 pm
#43
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Re: American born "British" baby
I can't get started on his family. Well we've never met them. Mum left him and his 2 brothers when they were young teenagers I think. He has had a tough upbringing by what he says. One of the first things he told me was that he has never really had a family - I told him that he had a family in us as long as he did right by our Daughter.. His Brother has 3 Daughters - all of whom have been adopted.
I know this will sound harsh but we've all got our sob stories - but at some point you have to pull up your sleeves and crack on.
His Brother has 3 Daughters - all of whom have been adopted. I know this will sound harsh but we've all got our sob stories - but at some point you have to pull up your sleeves and crack on.
Oct 19th 2010, 5:26 pm
#44
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Re: American born "British" baby
On a slightly different front - I have just called our health insurance company and found out the baby will not even be covered for the first 30 days after being born. My Daughter is going down to find out about Medical now. I spoke briefly on the phone to someone who said that she had to be earning to qualify for this. They said even if we gave her a 'gift letter' stating that we paid her a certain amount per week/fortnight/month then they would consider that an income. I have no idea whether it's beneficial to say a big amount or small? We completely support her anyway, but I guess this is something different. If she doesn't qualify then I guess we just take out an individual plan. Lovely.
Oct 19th 2010, 5:40 pm
#45
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Re: American born "British" baby
Your daughter is about to become a mother. She needs to be firm in demanding respect from the baby's father, monetary and emotional support. If they are not forthcoming, then she needs to close the door to this relationship. It will be hurtful for her but her future decisions have to center around the child.
I also don't think that you can diagnose a mental illness from the information we have been given, maybe he is just young and stupid and isn't really facing reality - JMO!
Samba - I think what you and your husband are doing is wonderful, your daughter and future Grandchild are so lucky to have you as a family
