When did your relationship with UK friends and family start to fade
#16
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Joined: Jan 2006
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Re: When did your relationship with UK friends and family start to fade
Friends, about 3-4 years after I left, now maybe a random facebook comment once or twice per year.
Family, I talk to my mom by email a few times a month, and my dad a few times a year, and visit every 3-5 years on average.
Nobody has come to see me since 2005.
Siblings and other family, rarely talk to, sister a couple times a year, step siblings rarely, and other family, well haven't seen or spoken to the rest in a decade or more.
I suppose when one moves to another country it becomes out of sight out of mind type thing.
Family, I talk to my mom by email a few times a month, and my dad a few times a year, and visit every 3-5 years on average.
Nobody has come to see me since 2005.
Siblings and other family, rarely talk to, sister a couple times a year, step siblings rarely, and other family, well haven't seen or spoken to the rest in a decade or more.
I suppose when one moves to another country it becomes out of sight out of mind type thing.
#17
Re: When did your relationship with UK friends and family start to fade
Nobody has visited me here in 7 years.
However, I stay in touch with friends and in 2015 saw a lot of them. They made a big effort to meet up with us and it was fantastic.
Family - I have had a far better relationship with parents since emigrating, a speak to them more often.
However, I stay in touch with friends and in 2015 saw a lot of them. They made a big effort to meet up with us and it was fantastic.
Family - I have had a far better relationship with parents since emigrating, a speak to them more often.
My mum has the good grace to stay at hotel when she comes to town but this mainly because the conference or whatever she's here for, pays for it. If she could pocket the cash and bother us instead, I wouldn't put it past her
#18
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Joined: Feb 2013
Location: BC, Canada
Posts: 3,873
Re: When did your relationship with UK friends and family start to fade
Very quickly!
We left the UK for the US in 1967 10 days after our wedding, and arrived in Canada in 1968.
My dad visited us once in 1969, but died very suddenly in 1971. Our first visit back was a brief one (3 days for OH, 2 weeks for me) to attend his funeral and to sort out "stuff" with my brother. Mum had died in 1961 ....... so that left me with just my brother.
One niece came to visit the year she turned 21, met a man, married him and moved over here in 1976. We were in Australia when she married and couldn't get back for the wedding.
Brother and wife came to visit in about 1981, just the once, and spent time with us and with their daughter.
OH's sister moved over here in ca 1970, met and married a man, and stayed in a northern BC town. OH's parents came over for the wedding, and then tried to come every 2 years after that, splitting their time between the two houses.
Father-i-l died in 1984, M-i-l came to visit soon after, only later admitting she had come with the intent of investigating immigrating herself. She did that twice more, and each time had to realise that it was all but impossible ......
....... she had major health issues, and back in the 1980s family over here had to cover ALL existing health costs permanently. A financial advisor estimated that her medical expenses would be $15,000-20,000 a year, without any hospital stays.
But the major problem was that she wanted to stay with her daughter up north, who was by then a widow with 3 children under the age of 14 ........ we were never on m-i-l's radar for long stays.
Cousins came a couple of times
Friends a couple of times .....................
......... but I also have to admit that most of our closest friends had already left the UK themselves, for Canada, the US, and Australia. We had relatively few joint friends as we were only a couple for 6 months before marrying, and OH was in the US for 4 of those.
We went back to the UK about every 5 or 6 years, maximum ............ visited family, and a few friends. But we gradually found that we had moved on from friends, or they had moved on from us. That also applied to certain family members ............
.... both sides had developed different interests, and there were people who would see us IF we went to them, but they wouldn't make the effort to travel even 20 miles to see us.
We still have contact with many friends, who will probably never visit here now .............. once a year at Christmas when we all send out letters. But most of those friends were met in Texas or here, ie after we left the UK
I think emigrating to another country does change you, all the different experiences gradually affect you, and it can be difficult sometimes to know how to talk to people who have not had those experiences.
We left the UK for the US in 1967 10 days after our wedding, and arrived in Canada in 1968.
My dad visited us once in 1969, but died very suddenly in 1971. Our first visit back was a brief one (3 days for OH, 2 weeks for me) to attend his funeral and to sort out "stuff" with my brother. Mum had died in 1961 ....... so that left me with just my brother.
One niece came to visit the year she turned 21, met a man, married him and moved over here in 1976. We were in Australia when she married and couldn't get back for the wedding.
Brother and wife came to visit in about 1981, just the once, and spent time with us and with their daughter.
OH's sister moved over here in ca 1970, met and married a man, and stayed in a northern BC town. OH's parents came over for the wedding, and then tried to come every 2 years after that, splitting their time between the two houses.
Father-i-l died in 1984, M-i-l came to visit soon after, only later admitting she had come with the intent of investigating immigrating herself. She did that twice more, and each time had to realise that it was all but impossible ......
....... she had major health issues, and back in the 1980s family over here had to cover ALL existing health costs permanently. A financial advisor estimated that her medical expenses would be $15,000-20,000 a year, without any hospital stays.
But the major problem was that she wanted to stay with her daughter up north, who was by then a widow with 3 children under the age of 14 ........ we were never on m-i-l's radar for long stays.
Cousins came a couple of times
Friends a couple of times .....................
......... but I also have to admit that most of our closest friends had already left the UK themselves, for Canada, the US, and Australia. We had relatively few joint friends as we were only a couple for 6 months before marrying, and OH was in the US for 4 of those.
We went back to the UK about every 5 or 6 years, maximum ............ visited family, and a few friends. But we gradually found that we had moved on from friends, or they had moved on from us. That also applied to certain family members ............
.... both sides had developed different interests, and there were people who would see us IF we went to them, but they wouldn't make the effort to travel even 20 miles to see us.
We still have contact with many friends, who will probably never visit here now .............. once a year at Christmas when we all send out letters. But most of those friends were met in Texas or here, ie after we left the UK
I think emigrating to another country does change you, all the different experiences gradually affect you, and it can be difficult sometimes to know how to talk to people who have not had those experiences.
#19
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Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 0
Re: When did your relationship with UK friends and family start to fade
I think emigrating to another country does change you, all the different experiences gradually affect you, and it can be difficult sometimes to know how to talk to people who have not had those experiences.
#20
Re: When did your relationship with UK friends and family start to fade
Definitely seen a tailing off of contact with friends from the UK. Never had very much to do with family anyway. Immediate family all lives in a different country to each other. Seems to work pretty well. Obligatory Skype at Christmas. Fairly good contact with my Mum, Dad not so much. But that's fine. We only irritate each other when we spend too much time together. Friends seem to ebb and flow. Not heard much from some of them for quite a while. I think when we first moved here I had a rather naive notion friends would be interested in our progress. But when I realised this was our adventure not theirs and that their interest was at best polite indifference, I got out of the habit of including them in our news (which wasn't very noteworthy other than we were doing it a long way away).
#21
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Joined: Apr 2009
Location: SW Ontario
Posts: 19,879
Re: When did your relationship with UK friends and family start to fade
My sister has been over twice - 10 years apart - but we talk on messenger / skype or phone a couple of times a week. I have a couple of nieces who keep in touch via FB messenger, more so since my brother died. I have one friend who I have known for 30 years, who I call my 'foul weather friend' who contacts me whenever life is not treating her well.
Apart from that, I have no contact with anyone in the UK now.. none of my other friends have really kept in touch and having not been back to the UK in years there is little incentive to do so. I do use FB to see what's going on with other relatives, but don't bother to message them.
I think I cut myself off from everyone except 1 friend and my sister and brother (and other family members) when I left, as I knew there would be no going back, there seemed little point.
Apart from that, I have no contact with anyone in the UK now.. none of my other friends have really kept in touch and having not been back to the UK in years there is little incentive to do so. I do use FB to see what's going on with other relatives, but don't bother to message them.
I think I cut myself off from everyone except 1 friend and my sister and brother (and other family members) when I left, as I knew there would be no going back, there seemed little point.
Last edited by Siouxie; May 1st 2017 at 9:00 pm.
#22
Back in US & happy!
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 505
Re: When did your relationship with UK friends and family start to fade
I have been here on and off since 2012 and really here for good since my Mum died in 2014 and it does seem that I am the one making the effort with phone calls. Get more in the way of emails, but even though I have a UK number that phones my US number, so that it is easy and cheap for friends and family to phone me, I still end up being the one that phones.
But no-one has visited here. I don't expect it from some of my friends and family, either they don't have the money or they are too old. But the ones that have no problems going on holiday to places like Japan and Australia - well they haven't visited either!!
Maybe it's where I live... Although I had the same problem when I moved from London to Shropshire for awhile, the same people that don't visit me here in USA didn't visit me in UK. So I think for some people they are friends when it's easy
I have been back to UK every year since 2014 and will be going back this year too. I try to see family, especially my Mum's sister as she is in her 90s. But I will probably be more selective about who I see as spending all the time driving from one person to the other is exhausting.
But no-one has visited here. I don't expect it from some of my friends and family, either they don't have the money or they are too old. But the ones that have no problems going on holiday to places like Japan and Australia - well they haven't visited either!!
Maybe it's where I live... Although I had the same problem when I moved from London to Shropshire for awhile, the same people that don't visit me here in USA didn't visit me in UK. So I think for some people they are friends when it's easy
I have been back to UK every year since 2014 and will be going back this year too. I try to see family, especially my Mum's sister as she is in her 90s. But I will probably be more selective about who I see as spending all the time driving from one person to the other is exhausting.
#23
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Joined: Feb 2013
Location: BC, Canada
Posts: 3,873
Re: When did your relationship with UK friends and family start to fade
we had our first true holiday in the UK in June/July 1995 ........... and by that, I mean 3 weeks in which we did what we wanted to do, and saw who we wanted to see.
Mother-in-law had died in late 1993 and my brother in 1992, so that pressure was off. Brother's wife was living singly, and getting old before her time.
There was one added feature .......
we booked the trip in late March / early April, but did not tell anyone.
In late April I was diagnosed with breast cancer, ended up having a mastectomy in late May, just 3 weeks before we were due to leave.
Surgeon told us to leave things as they were until the 2 week exam when she'd tell me if I could travel or not.
OK was given, we let my sister-i-l know, and arranged to visit her for 1 day. We arranged to spend time with OH's best friend, and to visit my niece in a small village in the lowlands of Scotland. The rest of the time, we visited parts of Britain that were new or loved ............
We went via Hadrian's Wall, I'd never been there
We spent 3 days in Scarborough, a place my parents loved and where I'd spent many childhood holidays.
We drove around that part of Yorkshire.
We stayed near London with another couple of old friends.
We had an absolute ball ....... even though I was doped up most of the time on Tylenol 3's!
Mother-in-law had died in late 1993 and my brother in 1992, so that pressure was off. Brother's wife was living singly, and getting old before her time.
There was one added feature .......
we booked the trip in late March / early April, but did not tell anyone.
In late April I was diagnosed with breast cancer, ended up having a mastectomy in late May, just 3 weeks before we were due to leave.
Surgeon told us to leave things as they were until the 2 week exam when she'd tell me if I could travel or not.
OK was given, we let my sister-i-l know, and arranged to visit her for 1 day. We arranged to spend time with OH's best friend, and to visit my niece in a small village in the lowlands of Scotland. The rest of the time, we visited parts of Britain that were new or loved ............
We went via Hadrian's Wall, I'd never been there
We spent 3 days in Scarborough, a place my parents loved and where I'd spent many childhood holidays.
We drove around that part of Yorkshire.
We stayed near London with another couple of old friends.
We had an absolute ball ....... even though I was doped up most of the time on Tylenol 3's!
#24
Re: When did your relationship with UK friends and family start to fade
Interesting to hear other people's experiences. Many quite similar.
I think the difference for me is that I came here on my own, and have spent most of my time as a single person (except a handful of 12-18month relationships) havent had the best of luck with choosing a long term girlfriend. i think if id have had a relationship that had gone the distance, i would be less inclined to care what my family old friends were up to in the UK.
When i left the UK, i was sure someone would visit within the first couple of years, my sister was talking of coming over on her own for a few days, then she fell pregnant with her second child, and its never been mentioned since, I think she would come, but my brother in law doesnt seem keen, so i dont think it will happen at all now.
The hardest thing ive found about having no family visit and no friends with a lot of history, is the living the two lives. I find i have my old UK life and my new Canadian life, and those lives have never crossed, you would be surprised how much you can find out about someone from their friends/family! and i mean that in a fun way (i have no skeletons in the cupboard just a lot of good times) id like to share those with both sides.
However like some of you have said.....life moves on so do friends, people come into your life and leave it, i guess ive never looked at it that way, ive tried very hard to keep the line of contact open, but its gets exhausting after a while.
As for family it was always drummed into my sister and i by our parents that blood is thicker than water and to always be there for each other. Ive sensed that doesnt seem relevant now she has her own family, and I think that notion seemed to die along with our parents, (which was one of the main reasons for emigrating) maybe its just taken me a while to see it.
I think the difference for me is that I came here on my own, and have spent most of my time as a single person (except a handful of 12-18month relationships) havent had the best of luck with choosing a long term girlfriend. i think if id have had a relationship that had gone the distance, i would be less inclined to care what my family old friends were up to in the UK.
When i left the UK, i was sure someone would visit within the first couple of years, my sister was talking of coming over on her own for a few days, then she fell pregnant with her second child, and its never been mentioned since, I think she would come, but my brother in law doesnt seem keen, so i dont think it will happen at all now.
The hardest thing ive found about having no family visit and no friends with a lot of history, is the living the two lives. I find i have my old UK life and my new Canadian life, and those lives have never crossed, you would be surprised how much you can find out about someone from their friends/family! and i mean that in a fun way (i have no skeletons in the cupboard just a lot of good times) id like to share those with both sides.
However like some of you have said.....life moves on so do friends, people come into your life and leave it, i guess ive never looked at it that way, ive tried very hard to keep the line of contact open, but its gets exhausting after a while.
As for family it was always drummed into my sister and i by our parents that blood is thicker than water and to always be there for each other. Ive sensed that doesnt seem relevant now she has her own family, and I think that notion seemed to die along with our parents, (which was one of the main reasons for emigrating) maybe its just taken me a while to see it.
#25
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Joined: Feb 2013
Location: BC, Canada
Posts: 3,873
Re: When did your relationship with UK friends and family start to fade
Paul .............
re family.
My brother was over 10 years older than I was. He left school at the age of 14, trained as a draughtsman which meant going to night school to get the various "pieces of paper". He married at 22, had their first child within the year ....... I was just about to turn 13 when that child was born.
He was still coming back to the home town to get his courses at night school finished, cycling about 20 miles return trip once or twice a week..
We never had childhood holidays together, although he and his then girlfriend did come away with us the summer before they married.
In other words, we had very little family life together and few joint memories.
Then my father died in 1971.
OH and I went back to the UK for a 6 week visit in 1973, stayed with brother and his wife ................ and suddenly realised he was regarding me as his eldest daughter, giving us orders as to what we were to do or when we were going to go somewhere.
Example ........... I arranged that OH and I would visit my best friend's mother (friend had emigrated to Australia years before), and that we would have evening meal with her. Brother on being told this promptly said "But that is the only night S and F [nieces] can meet up with us for dinner. I'll book a table for 8 pm."
His intent was to stop us visiting Mrs G because he didn't like her, never met her but never mind!!
We ended up eating 2 dinners that night.
But the crunch came years later when S (niece) told me that she and her sister had been told that was the only night that WE could be there, and had been commanded to attend!
Boy, was that ever a difficult week!
Luckily OH is very calm and easy-going!
Also luckily, something changed after that visit, and brother never repeated the "I'm your Dad" routine.
The strange thing is that my Dad never ordered me to do anything, he was very easy-going!
And, we did develop a close relationship later in life ....... he phoned me almost every Sunday for the last 3 or 4 years before he died.
But it is true that things change as people get into a stable relationship and have children ..... their closest affinity comes to be with their new family
re family.
My brother was over 10 years older than I was. He left school at the age of 14, trained as a draughtsman which meant going to night school to get the various "pieces of paper". He married at 22, had their first child within the year ....... I was just about to turn 13 when that child was born.
He was still coming back to the home town to get his courses at night school finished, cycling about 20 miles return trip once or twice a week..
We never had childhood holidays together, although he and his then girlfriend did come away with us the summer before they married.
In other words, we had very little family life together and few joint memories.
Then my father died in 1971.
OH and I went back to the UK for a 6 week visit in 1973, stayed with brother and his wife ................ and suddenly realised he was regarding me as his eldest daughter, giving us orders as to what we were to do or when we were going to go somewhere.
Example ........... I arranged that OH and I would visit my best friend's mother (friend had emigrated to Australia years before), and that we would have evening meal with her. Brother on being told this promptly said "But that is the only night S and F [nieces] can meet up with us for dinner. I'll book a table for 8 pm."
His intent was to stop us visiting Mrs G because he didn't like her, never met her but never mind!!
We ended up eating 2 dinners that night.
But the crunch came years later when S (niece) told me that she and her sister had been told that was the only night that WE could be there, and had been commanded to attend!
Boy, was that ever a difficult week!
Luckily OH is very calm and easy-going!
Also luckily, something changed after that visit, and brother never repeated the "I'm your Dad" routine.
The strange thing is that my Dad never ordered me to do anything, he was very easy-going!
And, we did develop a close relationship later in life ....... he phoned me almost every Sunday for the last 3 or 4 years before he died.
But it is true that things change as people get into a stable relationship and have children ..... their closest affinity comes to be with their new family
#26
Re: When did your relationship with UK friends and family start to fade
I have one sister and one best friend...both live in the U.K. We don't keep in touch too often...but when we meet up it's as if the last time we were together was yesterday. Does anyone else have this type of relationship with family or friends.
We try to meet up with my sister and BIL once a year for a holiday.
We try to meet up with my sister and BIL once a year for a holiday.
#27
Back in US & happy!
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 505
Re: When did your relationship with UK friends and family start to fade
That whole blood is thicker than water was drummed into me too by my parents, but since my parents have died, for all sorts of reasons, I now will never be in contact with my siblings. I think it meant a lot more to my parents, but then they never really moved very far from their parents and siblings, and cousins etc, so easier to stay in touch.
I think I will always make the effort for my older relatives, but I would imagine they won't be around in 5 or so years time. By then I believe most of my friends will have gone by the wayside, if they don't make an effort to stay in touch. But I think that happens anyway, even if I had stayed in UK, some friends expect you to do all the running around and phoning. I do know I need to make more friends here, hopefully moving to a less remote area will help with that
I think I will always make the effort for my older relatives, but I would imagine they won't be around in 5 or so years time. By then I believe most of my friends will have gone by the wayside, if they don't make an effort to stay in touch. But I think that happens anyway, even if I had stayed in UK, some friends expect you to do all the running around and phoning. I do know I need to make more friends here, hopefully moving to a less remote area will help with that
#28
Re: When did your relationship with UK friends and family start to fade
OH fell out with his family years ago. My parents are both gone and I have nothing in common with my siblings. So there's no family to speak of in England.
Our best friends have visited three times since we arrived in 2011, they even got PR but the pressure it put her under seems to have led to them splitting up. They're not really communicating with us at the moment but bottom line is they're not coming now.
I feel like I left a lot more people behind when I moved from NS to ON than from England to NS but maybe over time things will change there...
Life goes on, with or without you...
Our best friends have visited three times since we arrived in 2011, they even got PR but the pressure it put her under seems to have led to them splitting up. They're not really communicating with us at the moment but bottom line is they're not coming now.
I feel like I left a lot more people behind when I moved from NS to ON than from England to NS but maybe over time things will change there...
Life goes on, with or without you...
#29
Back in US & happy!
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 505
Re: When did your relationship with UK friends and family start to fade
I have one sister and one best friend...both live in the U.K. We don't keep in touch too often...but when we meet up it's as if the last time we were together was yesterday. Does anyone else have this type of relationship with family or friends.
We try to meet up with my sister and BIL once a year for a holiday.
We try to meet up with my sister and BIL once a year for a holiday.
Now my sister, haven't talked to her since she refused to go to my Mum's funeral, but we weren't close before that. Actually I can't stand her. I always said that if we weren't related and I bumped into her at a social event, I wouldn't like her and wouldn't become friends. Unlikely to bump into her at any social event, she never goes anywhere!!
#30
Re: When did your relationship with UK friends and family start to fade
Still would have been nice for them to come for a holiday though meet my new friends, and see some of real Canada not the tourist stuff, i know we would have had a truly unforgetable time, I know how to plan a holiday.
Ive been told by my Canadian friends that i know how to entertain my guests when they visit - well 2 of them....(on separate occasions) funny thing is these two friends that have visited were not that close to me when i left, they were relatively new friends and now they are the only two im in regular contact with.