DandNHill

I understand. Hard to find a balance. But what a difference you are both making to those peoples lives ❤️

dave_j

We all make decisions in life, some to act and others not to act. I don't think anyone who emigrates should whip themselves for being so far away, it's a personal decision made and consequences accepted and after all the effort to keep in touch shouldn't be one sided.

My daughter emigrated to Canada and she is an only child. We could have stayed comfortably in the UK with friends and relatives and she would no doubt have encountered some of the difficult issues described by many on our deaths or even simply during bad times.. but we asked her to sponsor us and we decided to follow her and when we go we'll have made it just a little easier for her and in the meantime we will have made it easier for ourselves too.

DandNHill

How lovely. I think I would have the same thing if my only child had tried to leave me behind! I'm very fortunate that all my boys are here within 60km.

scilly

My father died very suddenly 3 years after we left England, he had managed to make a trip out here the previous year. My brother, who thought the world of me, wrote a letter to let us know ...... he wanted to stop us spending the money to go back. However, Dad had been found dead by a neighbour, so a PM had to be done, and OH and I got seats on a plane and went back, myself for 2 weeks OH for 3 days.

It worked out well, I spent some time sorting out things I really wanted from the house, brother and I had some long talks .... he was over 10 years older than me so there were things about each of our younger years that the other did not know. Mum had died about 9 years before Dad, and I left brother to do all the clearing of the house, sorting out the "estate" (Dad's will consisted of a letter addressed to brother telling him what Dad thought should be done.)

I understood what brother had tried to do, but wished he had phoned!

It took us a long time to pay off the credit card bill for the plane trip though.

Brother died suddenly 20 years less a day after my father. sis-in-law phoned, and I decided to go back for 2 weeks ....... a good job because it took 10 days to get a death certificate, even though brother had been under treatment for a heart condition and was to go into hospital 3 weeks later to be assessed for one of 3 potential operations. OH did not go with me.

OH's father died of cancer, and he went back alone. His sister was already on holiday over there, and they both spent 2 weeks helping his mother before returning to Canada.

His mother died of old age, heart trouble and (probably) some dementia about 8 years later, and again he and his sister went over, while I and bro-i-l stayed here.


I was lucky in getting leave to go both times .............. the university had a policy of 3 days off for funeral, possible extensions to 5 days if you needed to travel. However, individual heads of departments had a bit of leeway in that they could grant you leave, if they were nice "guys", and I had a very good boss who told me to take off as much time as I needed, with pay.


You have to do what is necessary, and what feels right for you ............. but, in hindsight, I wish I could have gone back before either my brother or my father had died, rather than just talking to them on the phone. I would rather have done that than go to their funerals.

Howefamily

I am of the school that believes in going back of you can and want to, whilst they are alive. If it's for them they won't notice when it's their funeral.
This is one of the blessings of this forum. Support and advice from people who "get it"

Atlantic Xpat

It's not something I've had to cope with yet - and still, it's inevitable so it's interesting to read of peoples experiences and perspectives. My folks are (touches wood) in reasonable health and in their late 70's/early 80's. We speak a couple of times a week through FaceTime. I've been here long enough for them to get over (or at partly over) their son moving across the Atlantic & we have a good relationship & they are as engaged as they can be remotely with their grandkids here. I've two sisters & while we don't talk every week, we're reasonably close. One lives nearby my folks and sees them most days - they babysit her daughter - and the other is an hour or so away.

The burden of coping with immediate events will inevitably fall upon my sisters & there is nothing I can practicably do about that. I am fortunate in that I'm likely to be able to travel to the UK on short notice & if necessary stay for a while without work being a problem. ( I work remotely from Newfoundland & Norfolk is rather less remote! ). Of course my family is now my wife and kids here & being away from them for an extended period is not feasible. So balancing commitment to family back in UK and family here is a line I'll have to walk.

Mrs AX lost her father suddenly at a youngish age just after our eldest was born and we had to deal with that, and the various consequences. As some may know, I travel to the UK half a dozen times a year and a year or two back the Mrs asked me whether I was going to see my folks on a particular trip. "Nah" I replied, "I saw them last trip, I'm going to see friends this time". She pointed out that I might regret not spending as much time with my folks as I could have, given the opportunities I have to do so. It was a point well made & that's what I do with my weekends when over.

Zoe Bell

MY Dad has cancer and my mom is probably now in worse health than him. Luckily they are still at a point where they can travel and visit. Although I suspect that the next visit may well be their last

It really screwed my mental health up for a long long time, dealing with the distance and the unknown and yes at time i feel incredibly selfish for the choices I've made. especially as Mom and don't get along well if we are in the same location!

eventually ( and in time for their last visit) I realised that there are things I have control over , and things that i don't.

I have zero control over their health or what happens in that regard. I do have control over my actions and responses when they are here.

So last time they visited, I swallowed down all the annoyances and concentrated on just giving them the best time that I could. Even with their limited mobility etc.

That way if anything does happen and I never see them again. I have nothing to feel guilty about , at all.


It's tough though, yes.

BEVS

Do the best that you can for the living.

llysmabley

Did you know that Air Canada has a bereavement fare rebate for people going to funerals and it can be claimed before or after the flight.
We went to my sister's funeral in the UK but managed to get cheaper flights elsewhere, but it is worth knowing.
it also applies to in Canada flights.

MillieF

I was told by an Air Canada agent that that had stopped a couple of years back...I hope it has been reinstated?

My Brother in law died unexpectedly last year in Calgary and we just went to the airport and paid an eye watering price to get two tickets, I had to go too as my husband was in shock. We came back home and six weeks later his mother died there also. Air Canada were nice regarding the seating though, we were on last minute fully booked flights, but they found us room and ensured we sat together, which helped lots.

Former Lancastrian

Well according to Air Canada's website they still do them with certain restrictions
https://www.aircanada.com/ca/en/aco/...ent-fares.html