firsttims

I got a facebook message from my Mum this morning explaining that my Gran had fainted outside, she has a bruise the size of a cricket ball, was found in a pool of blood and she'd managed to rip her leg open by about 6 inches long and 2 inches across.

She's in the hospital and being treated which is a relief (though it's not the first time shes fainted) but it feels like crap being out here and not being able to go home and comfort my family/go visit her.

Another relative was diagnosed with terminal cancer, he's my dads cousin so its not a close relative and everyone keeps saying they don't expect me to come home for the funeral but it feels like crap that A. I can't afford it B. taking the time off would be.

I hate feeling like I have to pick and choose which relatives I make the trip to see in an emergency.

Like right now I don't have a fund big enough to cover two trips to the UK, both my grandparents are in ill health and whilst were hopeful they have a few more years at this but we dont know.

Pulaski

I am sorry to hear of the illness and injury in your family.

What you are facing is oft referred to here on BE as "the curse of the expat".

The conclusion, whenever this comes up, is "go back if you can, but don't feel bad if you can't", and usually "go back to see them alive, and worry less about the funeral". Funerals aren't really about the deceased, they are about showing support for the family, and honestly, that can wait for another time.

Piff Poff

I'm sorry you are going through this. It is crap, it's awful and it plays havoc with your mental state, there is no easy way around it I'm afraid, you just have to make the right decision for you and nobody else.

Paul_Shepherd

This is a tough unenviable scenario ....and its something all of us expats face at one point or another. I think you have to look at it logically....thats how I have done it so far. although this is different for everyone, but you cant be there for everyone all of the time.

This may sound harsh...but I look at my personal relationship with the deceased their age and their relationship they had with me. My parents died young (before I came to Canada) and I soon found out who was and was not there for me, so it made it a little easier.

If all else fails you have to do what is important to you, not anyone else, yes that tough.....but family/friends in the UK will never understand what its like living in another country, so dont even try and apease them.

I went back for my cousin's funeral and had a dispute with my boss about doing so....which went unresloved to this day, but I did it because it was very important to me personally....then I found some family members (who lived in the UK) didn't even show up!... So really funerals are all about the individual and their personal relationship with the deceased....also and importantly funerals are for the living NOT for the dead contrary to belief.........so really think about it, and again do it for you, not what you think is expected of you.

cheeky_monkey

My mum passed away at the end of June..i knew she was ill and had been taken into a Hospice for respite care..i had made plans to return to the UK to see her etc but she passed rather quickly and quite unexpectedly..because i was in Canada and things moved too fast i never got the chance to say good bye..so that was more upsetting than Mum passing away itself..i guess its just one of the downfalls of living so far away...you cant just jump in a car and be there in 10 mins anymore.

Pulaski

My father died, rather unexpectedly (he was 77 and had a heart condition, so it wasn't a total shock) two days after his birthday. That was, under the circumstances, fortunate, as he didn't like talking on the phone and so we only spoke three time a year - my birthday, his birthday, and Christmas, and so I was able to talk to him very close to his death.

Oakvillian

This is an interesting discussion. I seem to have a contrary view to most - I'm very glad it was impractical for me to make the effort to visit my father in the weeks before he died. He would be unlikely to have known who I was, and there was nothing practical I could have done to help: he suffered from Parkinsonian (Lewy body) dementia and went downhill very rapidly at the end.

Instead, I was able to get back to the UK a couple of days after he died, and could help my mum and my sisters (on whom the enormous burden of caring for him in his last weeks had largely fallen) to deal with all of the administrivia that comes with a death - visiting the registrar, dealing with the funeral home, caterers, vicar, organist, parish offices (they were a bit churchy, my folks...) and the hordes of former colleagues and old friends who wanted to pass on their best wishes to my mum. I felt I'd been much more use, and was able to say farewell to the old man in a way that did him proud, rather than try to say goodbye to the confused, gibbering, incontinent wreck of a man he was in his final days.

Being somewhat of a bigwig in the army, his old regiment then put on a memorial service for him a few months later, which I was also able to attend, this time with the rest of my family in tow. That was properly moving - held in Winchester Cathedral, with his three eldest grandchildren processing up the aisle at the beginning carrying his medals and No. 1 Dress hat.

During that visit I also spent time with some of his former comrades collating information to prepare a Wikipedia article that I wrote on him. That was subsequently published and, as much as anything in cyberspace is permanent, serves as my memorial to my dad.

bats

It's a suck it up Buttercup situation. Your here now and you can't go back every time something bad happens. Some can't manage the trip at anytime.

We made several last.minute trips back to see MIL and bless her each time she rallied. She died in her sleep and no-one was there.

We went for the funeral and to visit with family.

I didn't go when my mother was in hospital, nor when she was run over. My presence would have changed anything apart from to make Mum worry about how we could afford it and get time off work.

Basically. You've moved here, deal with it.

BristolUK

I wanted to say something a bit different too and that opens it up nicely.
I wouldn't put it quite so bluntly but yes. Chances are you have other people back there who can be supportive - if not, well that's different. I have three brothers and their spouses and their adult kids back there to help my mum after her third hip replacement (three legs, would you believe ) and it's their turn. I've more than done my share almost single handedly before.

But you have loved ones here too, remember.

Back in the UK, to an extent they've already learned to live without you actually being there. Your loved ones here have not. You may lose one here.

DandNHill

3 years after we moved to Canada my Mum passed away.
My sister who I had fallen out with had taken over her care from me (she was not amused).
When my Mum died it took my sister 5 days to tell me. Supposedly she didn't know how to contact me! Strange how she had known exactly how to contact me when sending vitriolic emails to me.
So regardless of the original reasons for us falling out I will never forgive her for not telling me!

BEVS

Are you my husband's sibling?

Exactly the same for my bloke even down to the vitriol except his sister & other members of the family had all his contact details. Some having been guests in my house here !

I learned my MIL had died via a third party post to Facebook . Had to tell him this & so he phone his uncle that lived with her to find out she had been ailing for a good week .

It was made clear he would be unwelcome to his own Mum's funeral & even asking for a copy of the order of service etc was blocked.

As you all know we're in New Zealand. That is two long haul flights and a few days away. Flights are expensive yet we got him back most every year to spend some weeks with his Mum and to give respite to his uncle that lived with her. That meant unpaid leave and no hols for us but hey our choice to move so far away .

Oooo. I gotta stop . This post could turn into one long ranty.

Piff Poff

Just a few months after we moved my Mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer, she held on for 7 years and even made a trip over. Over the years I did the quality time visit, we all did the last Christmas visit and then I did the funeral visit.

3 years into our immigration my MIL was killed in a car accident, 6 months later my FIL died unexpectedly of Pneumonia. My husband is a only child, we had to go back both times for (organising) funerals, there was no last goodbye chance there, it took my husband years to deal with his grief, he has now adopted two old folk who are on their last legs, one is in a home the other one should be. I think this is his way of 'being there' if that makes any sense, at least these ones are in Canada.

I just have my Dad, Stepdad and Grandad left on the old codger side, I may go back for my Dad when the time comes, we are not close as he has a newer family, but he is still my Dad and there are unresolved feelings there.

As I said in my previous post, it's not easy and you can only do what is right for YOU and not what anyone thinks you should do.

DandNHill

I know how your hubby feels. As a result I think I had less than 24 hrs to decide to fly back and get on the plane. I couldn't do it. Knowing what I would have to deal with, on my own. Sister had spread so many rumors about me. So I decided that because my Mum was already gone there was no point. I could just as easily say good bye to her from Canada.
To this day I don't know what she died of. I was her world before moving to Canada. I suspect she died of a broken heart.
I've slowly reconnected with a couple of family members. I will never speak to my so called sister again. But it's nice to have some contact with my oldest sister and a cousin...

DandNHill

I get your hubbys need to adopt some older people.
I have a surrogate Mum in NS. I should really go see her... Strange how people come in to your life the way they do. We connected on a totally different level to regular friendships!

Piff Poff

Sometimes I am resentful of the time, effort and money it takes looking after the oldies, then I feel selfish for feeling that way. Sometimes there is so little left for me and us as some weeks are exhausting - like this one where it has involved OH being with the oldies everyday this week, I have popped up 3 times so far too, they live 40 mins away. We do have lots of fun with them though.