Shard

Not wanting to hijack TinyTory's recent thread on relocation, I thought I'd get some opinions on a related topic, speaking to the kids on big issues such as relocation, schooling, housing, finances, etc.. Obviously the age of the children and their temperaments come into play, but how open are you with information and how participative are you? I'm of the Iaink school on this, that parents know best (!) at least until mid-teens, but I wonder whether it is better to be more open. Opinions from parents, non-parents, and even 'the kid' are welcome!

iaink

My views are naturally clouded by the fact that I moved substantial distances due to my fathers career when I was 6 or 7, and then again when I was 16.

Both times I seemed to survive, First time I dont think I really skipped a beat, but the second was far more of an upheaval as a teen with some close friendships that didnt really survive the move in an age without Facebook etc to keep in touch with...

HGerchikov

For the most part I think I am with Iaink on this one too, at least as far as the decision is concerned. For the really big stuff though, we have discussed it with the kids to gauge their reaction before making the final decision. In particular when the opportunity to move over here came up, we told our eldest son (9 at the time) before we committed ourselves to coming. If he had had a strongly negative response we would, most definitely, have factored that into the decision. As for the 5 year old, my husband told him while they were in the car on the way to do the weekly shop. He promptly burst into tears and said he didn't want to go to Canada, he wanted to go to Tesco. So that was the end of that conversation.

As they have got older, we have included them more and more in discussions, I think its a useful learning tool for them to see and understand the decision making process.

Tirytory

I told my son when discussing it that the decision was ours, and that it was up to us as parents to weigh the responsibility of staying or going. That I just wanted to get his feelings on some of the issues involved principally the school issue. He is 9... I think the way that he responded to the issues involved showed that he is mature enough to think it through and come to a reasonable response.

But he isn't the decision maker. I suppose I wanted to know that whatever we decide we can talk it through with him and explain why we think it's best and that he will understand. Actually on a positive note, he displayed such maturity that I think whichever way we go, he will be fine. Now if only his mother was so sensible

I mentioned the dual work issues to him as back home he was conscious that his dad used to work a lot. They've both had me around full time, this will change back home and and again I just wanted to gauge his reaction although I didn't phrase it in a way to make him worry. Honestly if we go home we will cut our cloth so to speak...

HG...your 5yr old and Tesco's made me laugh. They're so fickle at that age.

Shard

That's a great way of framing and presenting it.

Simon Legree

Indeed !

Tirytory

Ha ha for a moment there I thought you were going to contribute something sensible to the thread. But no just a dig at me

Shard

I LOL'd at HG's Tesco comment too. So typical!

Jingsamichty

When we made the decision to move to Canada we were living in Korea, and had previously lived in the United Arab Emirates - basically the kids had lived in funny foreign places all their lives.

The conversation went something like:

- Hey kids, we're going to move to Canada.
- What language do they speak there?
- Well, the part we're going to... English.
- What, everyone speaks English?
- Yes.

They have a think about this, look at each other, and ask...

- Are the cartoons in English?
- Yup.
- YAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!

ann m

Ours were 7 and 9 when we moved here. We kept them informed but never let them think they could make the decision.

What I do regret is letting them see just how unsettled we were during the first few years - but it was hard to hide on some days. And at one point we were all mentally ready to make the move back..... and then just never did. A few things started to click into place and we are still here.

If I was moving with them now - 14 and 16 - it would be a bloody nightmare I think!

scrubbedexpat091

Not sure I would want to immigrate with kids, it was enough work just with me.....

I'd probably have concerns with older kids in high school who have more social lives and would be closer to college age, and all that, not sure I'd want to do that to them. I know I'd have been not happy if my parents up and moved me in high school across town, let alone to a new country.

If we ever have kids they can decide on their own if they want to live elsewhere, we will stay put in Canada, but they will have the option to live in the US if they so choose through me. Not sure how my GF's UK stuff works with kids, but maybe even there..lol.. But we don't have plans to have kids, so will likely not arise.

Danny B

Mine were 3 & 11, the perfect age. One just about to start reception, and the other one, secondary school.

At that age they had no idea what moving to Canada involved, they thought they were on a long vacation until School started in September.

My then 11yr old Son is now 18 and blames me for taking him to this 'boring' place. He wants to move back to the UK where things are more exciting. I blame my parents for this as he has just come back from 4 weeks staying with them in the UK and Spain.

Sally Redux

12 was a bit late to move my son and there has been a certain amount of resentment over the years. Partly depends on their personality though.

It's great if you all take to the new country in the same way, if not it's all a bit of a nightmare. But the parents have to make that decision with the information available at the time.

My view on the original question , mid-teens is late to steamroller them.

prairiechicken

Our son was 10 when we told him we were moving to Canada. He didn't have a say in the final decision, but he was a big part of the decision. We spent a month over here last year, during which time we sort of presented the basic concept of living here/spending more time here. And we watched carefully how he reacted to things, and gave him lots of chances to try things out (like sports - we got him training with the local american football team while we were here). And so the fact that he seemed so comfortable here did play a big part in our decision.

But the final decision was ours.

We have talked to him a lot though, and he got to have a say in the house we bought (luckily we all agreed on which was the nicest house!) but when we were viewing houses we always asked him what he thought about each one and involved him in all the discussions.

We've also been mindful of keeping the more stressful discussions out of his earshot. There have been days when the stress of moving has spilled over, but we have always talked about it afterwards and explained that moving is stressful, and given him plenty of chances to talk about his stresses too - he has been great about the whole thing, but it's been hard on him too, and he is missing friends back in Scotland.

Oink

"Hey kids, I’m really bored with the mundanity of existence and I really want to put some excitement back into my life. And although I’m a bit too thick and selfish to fully understand the ramifications and consequences for you, coupled with the fact I can’t be arsed to learn a new language, guess what kids, we’re moving to Canada."