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Old Mar 28th 2007, 11:09 pm   #76
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Smile Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Quote:
Originally Posted by IntuitiveNipple View Post
chrisw you're dangerous - I've just brought the house down here re-telling those two jokes
Glad you enjoyed them IntuitiveNipple, It makes a hard day a little brighter don't it? Have to say, there have been some excellent jokes posted on the thread, and I have enjoyed them as much as everyone else! Keep watching and posting! Lol!
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Old Mar 28th 2007, 11:10 pm   #77
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Smile Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Quote:
Originally Posted by crispygirl View Post
just realised I need the loo....
Lol! Hope you made it Crispygirl!
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Old Mar 28th 2007, 11:46 pm   #78
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

I've logged off once to go to bed but checked my e-mails and a friend has sent me this.

A man is driving along a highway
and see a hare jump out across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately
the hare jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as being an animal lover,
pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the hare.
Much to his dismay the hare is dead.

The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway
sees a man crying on the side of the road and she pulls over.

She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

I feel terrible he explains, I accidentally hit this hare and killed it.
The blonde says, don't worry. She runs to her car and
pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead hare
bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.

The hare jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them
and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away the hare stops, turns around and waves again.
He hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops
another 10 feet, turns and waves, he repeats this again
and again and again until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished.

He runs over to the women and demands
What is in that can?
What did you spray on that hare?

The woman turns the can around so the man can read
the label. It says...............................

are you ready for this, this is the blonde joke of all blonde jokes





It says


"HAIR SPRAY - RESTORES LIFE TO DEAD HAIR
ADD PERMANENT WAVE".

Nite nite, really off to bed this time.
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Old Mar 28th 2007, 11:50 pm   #79
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Talking Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Quote:
Originally Posted by crispygirl View Post
I've logged off once to go to bed but checked my e-mails and a friend has sent me this.

.....

The woman turns the can around so the man can read
the label. It says...............................

are you ready for this, this is the blonde joke of all blonde jokes

It says


"HAIR SPRAY - RESTORES LIFE TO DEAD HAIR
ADD PERMANENT WAVE".

Nite nite, really off to bed this time.
Lol! Nice one Crispygirl! Night Night! Sleep tight!
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Old Mar 29th 2007, 12:12 am   #80
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Talking Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years.

The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.

The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.

Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.

The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. "Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.

To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"
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Old Mar 29th 2007, 10:57 pm   #81
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Talking Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant.

"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
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Old Mar 31st 2007, 10:20 am   #82
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Talking Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company.
One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.
The dog thinks, "Ok blast, I'm in deep s**t now."....Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Jesus, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?".
Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard.
So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine." Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks," What the hell am I going to do now?"
But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet. And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that blasted monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!!"
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Old Mar 31st 2007, 7:38 pm   #83
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!



Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's
minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in
a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the
attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to
myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors
will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the
weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two
men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They
enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that
it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski
weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that
good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north
about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." said Bob

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the
house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I
have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm
afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... now keep that
smile for the rest of the day.)


:-)
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Old Mar 31st 2007, 7:44 pm   #84
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

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Old Mar 31st 2007, 9:02 pm   #85
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bigbhudda69 View Post
BB69, can I call you that.....It has taken me ages to read this, I had to give in and get my glasses in the end.......
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Old Mar 31st 2007, 9:04 pm   #86
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Old Mar 31st 2007, 9:10 pm   #87
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Real signs from around the world:

Over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

On a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."

On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "We can help you pick your nose!"

On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

In a non-smoking area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."

At an optometrist's office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
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Old Mar 31st 2007, 9:16 pm   #88
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Another plumbers one, it used to be on his van near us.

Dont sleep with a drip tonight,,,,,,, phone 123456789
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Old Mar 31st 2007, 10:03 pm   #89
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Quote:
Originally Posted by MnM View Post
Real signs from around the world:

Over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

On a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."

On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "We can help you pick your nose!"

On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

In a non-smoking area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."

At an optometrist's office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
Absolutely brilliant. More of the same please.

Bad week so had a few wines tonight, they did not work but the jokes did. Thank you

Rosemary
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Old Mar 31st 2007, 10:09 pm   #90
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a
very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very
little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a
ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She
thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to
hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house
than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot
about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing
very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You
have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into
town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One
o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired hand.
He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the
rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for
him. She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it
off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra."

Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the
floor.

"Now," she said, "take off my panties."

By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town
again, you're fired."
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