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Old Mar 28th 2007, 12:21 am   #61
chrisw Female
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Talking Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

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Originally Posted by MnM View Post
Jack's will provided €30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend, Jody. "Well, I'm sure Jack would be pleased," she said.

"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"

"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty-thousand."

"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but €30,000!"

Helen answered, "Well, the funeral was €6,500. I donated €500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another €500. The rest went for the memorial stone."

Jody computed quickly. "€22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it!"

"Two and a half carats," she smiled.
Hi Martha! Two and a half carats! Lol


A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor.

"No, from skipping," replied the blonde.
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Old Mar 28th 2007, 9:32 pm   #62
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

A blind mans wanders into an all-girls biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter,
"hey you wanna hear a blond joke?"
The bar falls absolutely silent, in a very deep,
husky voice, the women next to him says,
"before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair,
given that you are blind, that you should know five things.

1. The bartender is a blond girl with a baseball bat

2. The bouncer is a very burly blond girl

3. I myself am a 6 foot tall, 175lb blond women with
a black belt in karate

4. The women sitting on the other side of me is blond
and a professional weightlifter

5. The lady to your right is blond and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, stud. Do you still wanna tell the joke?".

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
"No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times".



Now I have been known to be very blond in my time but I got this one straight away.
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Old Mar 28th 2007, 9:37 pm   #63
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

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3. I myself am a 6 foot tall, 175lb blond women with
a black belt in karate
*lol*

One of the Marbella belles perhaps?
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Old Mar 28th 2007, 9:43 pm   #64
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

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*lol*

One of the Marbella belles perhaps?


I have never watch Marbella babes cos I'm to busy on here
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Old Mar 28th 2007, 9:50 pm   #65
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

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I have never watch Marbella babes cos I'm to busy on here
My curiosity got the best of me and I took a break from BE and watched yesterday. There were so many posts on this forum, I wanted to decide for myself

Verdict is, everything they have said here is true *lol*
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Old Mar 28th 2007, 10:05 pm   #66
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

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My curiosity got the best of me and I took a break from BE and watched yesterday. There were so many posts on this forum, I wanted to decide for myself

Verdict is, everything they have said here is true *lol*

Oh dear I feel another glass of vino coming my way I'll have have to read through what's been said and maybe watch next week.
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Old Mar 28th 2007, 10:33 pm   #67
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

This is more humorous than a joke, but it made me chuckle.

Take a look at the Irwin Mitchell Solicitors Marbella web-page and look at the location map at the foot of the page.
Brings a whole new meaning to the phrase "off-shore legal advice"
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Old Mar 28th 2007, 10:35 pm   #68
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Talking Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

A keen Texas lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. The store was the biggest in the world and sold everything under the sun.
"Have you ever been a salesman before?" the boss asked during his interview.
"Yes, I was a salesman in Texas," the lad answered.
The boss took an immediate liking to him and told him he could start the next day. "I'll come and see how you made out after we close up," the boss said.
The day was long and hard for the young man, but finally it was 5 o'clock. The boss closed up the store and found the lad sitting, slumped and exhausted, in a chair. "How many sales did you make today?" the boss asked.
"One," said the lad.
"One?" said the boss, obviously displeased. "Most of the sales people on my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"
"Exactly $101,334.53," said the young man.
"How did you manage that?" asked the boss, flabbergasted.
"Well," said the lad, "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one, and huge one. I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said he was going down the coast. I said he'd probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that fancy 22-foot Chris Craft with twin engines. Then he said his Honda Civic probably wouldn't be able to handle the load, so I took him to the vehicle department and sold him a new GMC 1-ton pickup truck."
"You sold all that to guy who came in for a fish hook?" the boss asked in astonishment.
"He didn't come in to buy a fish hook," the Texas boy explained. "He came in to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot. You might as well go fishing.'"
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Old Mar 28th 2007, 10:40 pm   #69
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Quote:
Originally Posted by IntuitiveNipple View Post
This is more humorous than a joke, but it made me chuckle.

Take a look at the Irwin Mitchell Solicitors Marbella web-page and look at the location map at the foot of the page.
Brings a whole new meaning to the phrase "off-shore legal advice"
That is so strange!

I was looking at some hotels the other day (thought I'd surprise my husband on his birthday with a weekend in Marbella!) and one of the hotels on the search was at that exact same spot....in the sea. *lol*

Do they have floating offices and hotels in Marbella?
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Old Mar 28th 2007, 10:43 pm   #70
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Quote:
Originally Posted by chrisw View Post
A keen Texas lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. The store was the biggest in the world and sold everything under the sun.
"Have you ever been a salesman before?" the boss asked during his interview.
"Yes, I was a salesman in Texas," the lad answered.
The boss took an immediate liking to him and told him he could start the next day. "I'll come and see how you made out after we close up," the boss said.
The day was long and hard for the young man, but finally it was 5 o'clock. The boss closed up the store and found the lad sitting, slumped and exhausted, in a chair. "How many sales did you make today?" the boss asked.
"One," said the lad.
"One?" said the boss, obviously displeased. "Most of the sales people on my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"
"Exactly $101,334.53," said the young man.
"How did you manage that?" asked the boss, flabbergasted.
"Well," said the lad, "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one, and huge one. I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said he was going down the coast. I said he'd probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that fancy 22-foot Chris Craft with twin engines. Then he said his Honda Civic probably wouldn't be able to handle the load, so I took him to the vehicle department and sold him a new GMC 1-ton pickup truck."
"You sold all that to guy who came in for a fish hook?" the boss asked in astonishment.
"He didn't come in to buy a fish hook," the Texas boy explained. "He came in to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot. You might as well go fishing.'"
Oh dear Chris!

I remember that one from long ago. It was a joke amongst men whenever they said they were going fishing!

Thanks so much for posting it!
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Old Mar 28th 2007, 10:44 pm   #71
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Smile Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

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Originally Posted by chrisw View Post
You might as well go fishing.
That is so bad its good
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Old Mar 28th 2007, 10:48 pm   #72
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

...k....here's one, it's called:

Sexual Consent

I'd personally rate it PG (for language) and it's a bit long, but may be what the future holds for our children!

I hope it's not too inappropriate....
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Old Mar 28th 2007, 10:50 pm   #73
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Talking Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Thank you guys, one tries (my husband will vouch for that!)

Just found this one thought is was brill!

One day this blonde calls her friend and says, "Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle and I can't even figure out how to start it." Her friend asks, "What is it a puzzle of?"
The blonde says, "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Well, the friend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She lets him in and shows him to where she has the pieces spread all over the table.
He studies them for a moment, then studies the box.
He turns to her and says, "Well, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger."
She asks, "Oh, how come?"

He says, "Look, never mind, let's just relax, have a cup of coffee and we'll put all these cornflakes back in the box."

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Old Mar 28th 2007, 10:54 pm   #74
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

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Originally Posted by chrisw View Post
Thank you guys, one tries (my husband will vouch for that!)

Just found this one thought is was brill!

One day this blonde calls her friend and says, "Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle and I can't even figure out how to start it." Her friend asks, "What is it a puzzle of?"
The blonde says, "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Well, the friend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She lets him in and shows him to where she has the pieces spread all over the table.
He studies them for a moment, then studies the box.
He turns to her and says, "Well, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger."
She asks, "Oh, how come?"

He says, "Look, never mind, let's just relax, have a cup of coffee and we'll put all these cornflakes back in the box."




just realised I need the loo....
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Old Mar 28th 2007, 11:00 pm   #75
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

chrisw you're dangerous - I've just brought the house down here re-telling those two jokes
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