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Old Mar 24th 2007, 11:03 pm   #46
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Talking Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Just been out for a meal with our friends and came home armed with another joke!

A man won £6 million pounds on the lottery! Amazed, he telephoned to double confirm that he checked his numbers correctly. Which they duly confirmed as being correct.
They advised him, however, that they found themselves in a rather imbarrassing possition as they didn't quite have all the money to hand, , and asked:
They asked: "Would it be alright if we paid you £3 million pounds today and the other £3 million tomorrow?"
To which he replied : "Oh, if you're going to mess me about, just give me me pound back!"
Arghhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! Love it! Innit silly?
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Old Mar 25th 2007, 12:01 am   #47
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Funny jokes


Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church.

The pastor says, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."

The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor goes to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replies, "No problem at all, Pastor." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

The pastor goes to the middle aged couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the pastor.

The pastor then goes to the newlywed couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "Well Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied. "What happened?" inquired the pastor. "My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there." "You understand of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"That's OK," said the young man, "We're not welcome at Stop & Shop anymore either."


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Old Mar 25th 2007, 1:36 am   #48
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Heres another one

A couple made a deal that whoever died first, they would come back and inform the other of the after life. Her biggest fear was there was no heaven. After a long life the husband was the first to go and true to his word he made contact.

Mary... Mary....

Is that you Fred?

Yes, I have come back like we agreed.

What is it like?

Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, I have sex, I bath in the sun, then I have sex-twice, I have lunch, then sex pretty much all afternoon-supper-then sex till late at night, sleep then start all over again.

Oh Fred you surely must be in heaven.

Hell no, I'm a rabbit in Kansas.
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Old Mar 25th 2007, 2:01 am   #49
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

And another one

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodka."

The barman says "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

"Yeah, my wife..."
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Old Mar 25th 2007, 9:21 am   #50
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Talking Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Quote:
Originally Posted by jandy44 View Post
And another one

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodka."

The barman says "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

"Yeah, my wife..."
Lol!
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Old Mar 25th 2007, 6:36 pm   #51
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?"

Adam said, "Lord, I don't have anyone to talk to."

God said, "Then I will give you a companion, and she will be called a 'woman'. This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give 'love' and compassion whenever needed. She will never question your behaviour or the company you keep. She will support you and understand that you have important decisions to make throughout your life and don't have time for nonsense..."

Adam asked God, "What will this woman cost?"

God said, "An arm and a leg..."

Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?"
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Old Mar 25th 2007, 6:43 pm   #52
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Talking Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Quote:
Originally Posted by MnM View Post
Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?"

Adam said, "Lord, I don't have anyone to talk to."

God said, "Then I will give you a companion, and she will be called a 'woman'. This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give 'love' and compassion whenever needed. She will never question your behaviour or the company you keep. She will support you and understand that you have important decisions to make throughout your life and don't have time for nonsense..."

Adam asked God, "What will this woman cost?"

God said, "An arm and a leg..."

Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?"
Lol!!!!!! You see!! I knew everying was there fault Lol Ha Ha!
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Old Mar 25th 2007, 7:18 pm   #53
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Talking Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of OAPs when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks her: "Why don`t you eat the peanuts yourself?"

"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.

"We just love the chocolate around them."
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Old Mar 25th 2007, 7:26 pm   #54
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Quote:
Originally Posted by chrisw View Post
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of OAPs when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks her: "Why don`t you eat the peanuts yourself?"

"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.

"We just love the chocolate around them."
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Old Mar 26th 2007, 8:46 pm   #55
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Talking Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

THE DENTIST
They meet in a bar and get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again. The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist." The guy, surprised, says "Yes....how did you figure that out?" "Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands." One thing led to another and they make love. After they have done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist." The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, how did you figure that out?"

"Didn't feel a thing!"
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Old Mar 26th 2007, 8:51 pm   #56
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Quote:
Originally Posted by chrisw View Post
THE DENTIST
They meet in a bar and get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again. The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist." The guy, surprised, says "Yes....how did you figure that out?" "Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands." One thing led to another and they make love. After they have done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist." The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, how did you figure that out?"

"Didn't feel a thing!"
lol
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Old Mar 26th 2007, 11:47 pm   #57
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Smile Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

THE NUN
A French soldier comes running onto a crossroads. Once there he sees a nun waiting at a bus stop.
"Please, sister, please let me hide under your robes. I'll explain everything later..." "All right, young man" she says enthusiastically.
A few moments after the soldier has crawled under her robes some Gendarmes come racing onto the crossroads. "Have you seen a soldier running by here?" They ask. After the nun has pointed them in the wrong direction the soldier emerges from under her robes.
"You see" he says, "I don't want to be sent to Afghanistan." "And, please don't consider me rude, but you have the nicest pair of legs I have ever seen!"
"Well" The nun answers "If you'd have looked a bit closer, you also would have seen the nicest b***s in the world too... I don't want to be sent to Afghanistan either!"
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Old Mar 27th 2007, 3:55 pm   #58
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates.

She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her "Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into
Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.

While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

"Czechoslovakia."

Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry... There will be Hell to pay later!
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Old Mar 27th 2007, 4:48 pm   #59
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Here are some incredibly useful phrases you can use when in the workplace...or on a BE forum


If you don’t know what it is, call it an ‘issue’

If you don’t know how it works, call it a ‘process’

If you don’t know whether its worth doing, call it an ‘option’

If you don’t know how it could possibly be done call it a ‘challenge’ or an ‘exciting opportunity’

If you want to confuse people, ask them about ‘customers’

If you don’t know how to do something, ‘empower’ someone else to do it for you…

If you can’t take decisions, ‘create space’ for others to operate…

If you need a decision, call a ‘workshop’ to ‘network’ and ‘ground

the issue’, followed by an ‘awayday’ to ‘position the elephant in the room’ and achieve ‘buy-in’

Never criticize or boast, call it ‘information sharing’

Never call something a failure or mistake, its a ‘positive learning experience’

Never argue, have an ‘adult conversation’
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Old Mar 27th 2007, 4:52 pm   #60
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Jack's will provided €30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend, Jody. "Well, I'm sure Jack would be pleased," she said.

"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"

"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty-thousand."

"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but €30,000!"

Helen answered, "Well, the funeral was €6,500. I donated €500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another €500. The rest went for the memorial stone."

Jody computed quickly. "€22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it!"

"Two and a half carats," she smiled.
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