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Old Mar 24th 2007, 12:24 am   #31
chrisw Female
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Smile Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

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Originally Posted by martin36-1 View Post
that was a simple one to understand. Did chrisw get it this time????????????????
Yes thank you Martin36! recieved and understood, over!
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Old Mar 24th 2007, 10:18 am   #32
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

...
A normal guy, 40 something, having split from his latest girlfriend,

decided to take a holiday.

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of

his life, that is, until the ship sank. He found himself on an island with

no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.


After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most

gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In

disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"


She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here

when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he said. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw

material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree

branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides and stern

came from a Eucalyptus tree."


"But, where did you get the tools?"


"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the

island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I

found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into

ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the

hardware."

The guy is stunned.


"Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she

docks the boat at a small wharf.


As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a

stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and

white.


While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the

man can only stare ahead, dumb struck.

As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much but I call

it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?"


"No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop

of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you

like a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts and they sit down

on her couch to talk.

After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going

to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower

and shave? There is a razor in the bathroom cabinet."


No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in

the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two

shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a

swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"


When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines,

strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She

beckons for him to sit down next to her.


"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been

out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure

you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?"

She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing.

"You mean...", and he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his

eyes.........



"Don't tell me you've got Sky Sports?!"........



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Old Mar 24th 2007, 10:30 am   #33
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Talking Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

LOL! Great joke Bughudda169, just sent you some karma for that one!
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Old Mar 24th 2007, 10:34 am   #34
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Oh Chrisw...
Thank you ..thank you..what does that mean.....??..are you talking white lights...same as lord Bhudda...I thought it was good...refreshingly modest...
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Old Mar 24th 2007, 10:45 am   #35
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Prince Charles slams on his brakes in front of the palace a fraction too late.... sadly one splattered corgi....
Distraught he stands supporting himself on the stone balustrade by the steps supporting a lantern, going " Oh dear oh dear, however am I going to tell mummy "
Bang !!!!! Out pops a genie...."Your highness, you have realised me from the lantern..your wish is my command"
"Oh am I pleased to see you, please, please, could you possibly bring mummy's corgi back to life?"
"Alas your highness, many things I can do, but bringing dead animals back to life is not one of them.. is there anyhting else I can do for you ?"

Charles scratches his head and ponders, then "Well, there is is yes. Do you think you could possibly make my darling Camilla as beautiful, as popular, as much loved as was Diana?"

The genie scratches his head in return " Do you think we could take another look at the corgi ???"
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Old Mar 24th 2007, 10:49 am   #36
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Oh Yes..
WE like that one..yes we do.....
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Old Mar 24th 2007, 10:56 am   #37
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

One for the Laydees..

Don't step on the Ducks!!


Three women die together in an accident
and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on . very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.



St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
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Old Mar 24th 2007, 11:03 am   #38
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Talking Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Not as good as Bighudda69's joke, but it reminded me of this one.
A magician managed to secure himself a very lucrative contract to work on a luxury cruise ship. He could not believe his luck. He had worked hard since he was a boy to attain to become the "best" magician in the world, and this was his lucky break.
The magician was indeed, excellent and put on stunning performances which were greatly appreciated by his "captive" audiences, with the exception of one, a parrot! After every trick or illusion he performed, the parrot would exclaim, "it's up his sleeve, it's up his sleeve."
The magician consolled himself by coming up with various ways in which he would, given the opportunity rid himself of his irritating heckler.
One evening, during his performance, there was an massive explosion on board and within 5 minutes the ship had sunk.
He fought to stay afloat in the water as he was not a good swimmer. However he eventually managed to pull his weary body up onto a piece of wreckage. He discovered to his dismay, that he and the parrot who was already on the wreckage, were the only surivors.
He stared at the parrot with venom running through his viens, feeling he had been his "Jonah".
He glared at the parrot, the parrot stared back. For 3 days their gaze was uninterupted, until finally the parrot said:
"Alright, I give up, where'd you put the ship?"
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Old Mar 24th 2007, 11:04 am   #39
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Its for youhooo...



Once upon a time there lived a king.
The king had a beautiful daughter,
the PRINCESS.


But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.


No matter what;

metal,

wood,

stone,

anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.


The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?

He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king,

"If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."

The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.


The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel.


But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted.


The prince went away sadly.


The second prince brought diamonds.


He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt.
But alas,
once the princess touched them, they melted.


He too was sent away disappointed.

:-[


The third prince approached. He told the princess,
"Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there."

The princess did as she was told, though she turned red.


She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.


And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.


And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was in the prince's pants?
(Scroll down for the answer)



V



V




M&M's of course.


They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.



What were you thinking?.......a..a..a......!








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Old Mar 24th 2007, 11:21 am   #40
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Smile Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bigbhudda69 View Post
Oh Chrisw...
Thank you ..thank you..what does that mean.....??..are you talking white lights...same as lord Bhudda...I thought it was good...refreshingly modest...
Hi Bighudda69! I have sent you a PM which you can access by clicking on your messages button on top right hand of page.
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Old Mar 24th 2007, 11:30 am   #41
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Just read the three pages of jokes....keep them coming guys
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Old Mar 24th 2007, 11:33 am   #42
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Quote:
Originally Posted by mrsjdr View Post
Just read the three pages of jokes....keep them coming guys
Yes please, more of the same as they are great.

Rosemary

ps Karma sent (First time of doing that so hope I got it right)
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Old Mar 24th 2007, 12:15 pm   #43
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

A man walks into a bar accompanied by an ostrich and a cat.

All three sit down at the bar. Yes ? asks the barman.

The cat says I'll have a double scotch...but I'm not paying. Ostrich says I will have a G and T. Man orders a pint of Guiness. The barman asks for £6.70, the man reaches into his pocket and brings out exactly £6.70. Barman is amazed, but puts it in the till.

Half an hour later the man says ....Another round ??
The cat says yes, but make it a single malt... and I am not paying.
The ostrich says can I have a double and the man has a cognac.

The barmans asks for £8.30, the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact money again, the barman banks it. However his curiousity gets the better of him. He leans over and says...Forgive me for being nosey, but you walk in with this cat and ostrich, and whenever you pay you just have exactly the right money .. what's it all about ??

Ah well says the man, it's a long story. I was driving on the outskirts of Dublin and slammed on my brakes, just in time to avoid hitting a leprechaun that was crossing the road on a dark night. He was so thankful that he granted me two wishes, anything I desired. Well, I was going to ask for 10 million, but then thought, well I could spend it all, then where would I be ?? So instead I asked if wherever I went, whenever I needed money I could just put my hand in my pocket and I would always have the exact amount. £8.30 or £200 or £100,000.

Brilliant says the barman........and what was the second wish....

Ah well sighs the man... that's where I went wrong.......I asked if everywhere I went I could be accompanied by a tall bird with a tight pussy.....
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Old Mar 24th 2007, 5:40 pm   #44
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

A man, getting along in years, finds that he is unable to perform sexually
He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to
work. Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African Medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder into a flame, and there is a Flash with billowing blue smoke.
Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The man then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies, "When your partner can take no more sex and is completely raddled, all she has to say is '1234', and it will then go down. But be warned, the pork sword will not rise again for another year." The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers. That night he showers, shaves and smothers himself in aftershave. He slides into bed, cuddles up to his wife, says "123" and suddenly he has the most gigantic stiffie ever, just as the medicine man promised. His wife turns over and asks, "What did you say '123' for?"
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Old Mar 24th 2007, 6:03 pm   #45
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Reading his local paper one evening a man sees an advert asking for new members to join their debating forum. that sounds enjoyable he thinks and goes along to the next meeting.
When he returns home his wife asks how the evening had been.
"It was great" he said, " a member stood and gave a talk on a subject then afterwards we all debated it."
Weeks went by and then one evening, after the debate the, the organiser asked him to do the next weeks subject. "What subject would you like to pick," he asked.
"Sex" said the man.
He went home excitedly and told his wife the news but when it came to the subject he was a little embarressed so he told her yachting.
The week went by he spent hours on the computer studying all aspects of sex then went to his meeting.
The next day his wife was out shopping and happened to meet another member of the debating forum.
"Your Fred gave one of the best talks on a subject we have had, the debate was fabulous."
Puzzled his wife replied, " I don't understand it he has only done it twice, once he was sick and the other time his hat blew off."
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