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Old Oct 4th 2017, 3:27 pm   #4051
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

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Originally Posted by Expatrick View Post
And the supermarkets that allow able bodied women & children to park by the entrance while old men have to walk half a mile!
It's good for them... unless they are disabled..then they get to park right next to the women and babies
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Old Oct 4th 2017, 3:31 pm   #4052
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

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Originally Posted by BristolUK View Post
Perhaps they thaw it coming.
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Old Oct 5th 2017, 5:56 am   #4053
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

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Old Oct 5th 2017, 6:22 am   #4054
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

A man in a hurry taking his 8-year old son to school made a turn at a red light where it was prohibited.

-“Uh-oh, I just made an illegal turn!” the man says.

-“Aw, dad, it’s okay,” the son replies. “The police car behind us just did the same thing too!”
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Old Oct 6th 2017, 4:47 am   #4055
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."
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Old Oct 7th 2017, 6:02 am   #4056
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

On a beautiful Summer’s day, a father and his eight-year-old son were lying on the grass by the river bank, looking up at the sky and watching the wisps of cloud float gently overhead.

After a few minutes of silence, the boy turned to the father and said: “Dad, why are we here”?

-“That’s a good question, son. I think we’re here to enjoy days such as this, to experience nature in all its glory, the vastness of the sky, the beauty of the trees, the song of the birds, the rippling flow of the water. We’re here to help make the world a better place, to pass on our wisdom to future generations who will hopefully profit from our achievements and learn from our mistakes.

We’re here to savor the small triumphs of life – passing your school exams, the birth of a new member of the family, promotion at work, a win for the home team. And we’re here to comfort those dearest to us in times of distress, to provide kindness and compassion, support and strength, to let them know that, no matter how bad a situation may seem, they are not alone.

Does that answer your question, son”?

-“Not really, Dad”.

-“No”?

-“No, what I meant was, why are we here when Mom said to pick her up over an hour ago”?
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Old Oct 8th 2017, 8:53 am   #4057
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

A group of Minnesota friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

-“Where’s Henry”? the others asked.

-“Henry had a stroke of some kind. He’s a couple of miles back up the trail”, the successful hunter replied.

-“You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back”? they inquired.

-“A tough call”, nodded the hunter. “But I figure no one’s going to steal Henry”!
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Old Oct 9th 2017, 8:00 am   #4058
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

As I was wrestled to the ground by three police officers, one leaned over and shouted in my ear ''Do you have anything on your person that you shouldn't have?''
I said ''Yes. a big fat policeman.''
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Old Oct 10th 2017, 7:24 am   #4059
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

In a train compartment, there are three men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in the conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic. Then, the young girl proposes, “If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs.” The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet.

And then the girl pulls us her dress a bit to show her legs. Then she says, “If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I’ll show you my thighs,” and men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full.

The conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats.

Then the young girl says, “If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis.”

All three fork over the money. The girl then turns to the window and points outside at a building they’re passing. “See there in the distance. That’s the hospital where I had it done!”
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Old Oct 11th 2017, 7:01 am   #4060
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

A three-year-old had been told several times to get ready for bed. The last time his mom told him, she was every insistent. His response was, “Yes, Sir!” Since he was talking to his mother (and she is a woman), it was not expected of him to call her “Sir”.

-“You would say, ‘yes sir,’ to a man, I am a lady, and you would say, ‘Yes Ma’am,’ to a lady,” Mom said.
To quiz him on this lesson; she then asked him,

-“What would you say to Daddy?”

-“Yes, Sir!” was the reply.

-“Then what would you say to Mama?”

-“Yes, Ma’am!” he proudly answered.

-“Good boy! Now, what would you say to Grandma?”

He lit up and said, “Can I have a cookie?”
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Old Oct 12th 2017, 6:28 am   #4061
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

A woman whose fondness for the good life had taken its toll in added pounds – and girth – was being shown a Jeep by a salesman at an auto dealership.

When the salesman’s pitch had run its course, he sought to close with the typical line, “Now what would it take to get you into one of these?”

Looking at the Jeep’s high front seat, the woman replied, “Probably a crowbar.”
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Old Oct 13th 2017, 3:09 am   #4062
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

An elderly married couple was celebrating their 35th anniversary. During their party, a fairy appeared to congratulate them and grant them each one a wish.

The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and poof — the wife had tickets in her hand for a world cruise.

Next, the fairy asked the husband what he wanted.

He said, “I wish I had a wife 30 years younger than me.”

So the fairy picked up her wand and poof — the husband was 90.
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Old Oct 14th 2017, 5:54 am   #4063
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

12 TYPES OF PEOPLE ON FACEBOOK:
1) The "Rooster" – Feels that it is their job to tell Facebook "Good
Morning" every day.
2) The "Lurker" – Never posts or comments on your post, but reads everything, and might make reference to your status if they see you in public.
3) The "Hyena" – Doesn't ever really say anything, just LOLs and
LMAOs at everything.
4) "Mr/Ms Popular" – Has 4,367 friends for NO reason
5) The "Gamer" – Plays Words With Friends, Mafia Wars, Bakes
virtual cakes and stuff, etc., ALL DAY.)
6) The "Cynic" – Hates their life, and everything in it, as evidenced by the somber tone in ALL of their status updates.
7) The "Collector" – Never posts anything either, but joins every
group and becomes fans of the most random stuff.
8) The "Promoter" – Always sends event invitations to things that
you ultimately delete or ignore.
9) The "Liker" – Never actually says anything, but always clicks the
"like" button
10) "Drama Queen/ King" – This person always posts stuff like "I
can't believe this!", or "They gonna make me snap today!", in the
hopes that you will ask what happened, or what's wrong...but then
they never finish telling the story.
11) The "News" – Always updates you on what they are doing and
who they are doing it with, no matter how arbitrary.
12) The "Thief" – Steals status updates... and will probably steal this one...
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Old Oct 15th 2017, 8:33 am   #4064
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

It was the wise custom at the retirement home to pair the old couples, and then send them out for dinner and a movie, or other entertainment. This one night, John who was 84, was paired with Jill who was 86.

A few hours later, Jill returned to the Home and was she angry.

-“What happened that you should be so upset, Jill?” the attendant asked her.

-“Coming back with that silly old man John, I had to slap him three times while we were riding back in the cab.”

-“Oh, that’s terrible…and at his age too. John ought to be ashamed of himself making passes at you.”

-“Passes?” Jill said, “He didn’t make passes. I had to slap him three times to see if he was asleep or dead.”
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Old Oct 15th 2017, 8:35 am   #4065
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

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