Go Back   British Expats / General / The Lounge

Reply
 
Thread Tools
Old Mar 17th 2007, 5:40 am   #1
chrisw Female
Livin' in Spain at last!
 
Joined: Aug 2006
Location: La Hortichuela Almeria
Posts: 862
chrisw has a reputation beyond reputechrisw has a reputation beyond reputechrisw has a reputation beyond reputechrisw has a reputation beyond reputechrisw has a reputation beyond reputechrisw has a reputation beyond reputechrisw has a reputation beyond reputechrisw has a reputation beyond reputechrisw has a reputation beyond reputechrisw has a reputation beyond reputechrisw has a reputation beyond repute
Smile Jokes: A little light distraction!

Hi all!
Just thought I would start this thread as a temporary distraction and to add a little light relief to all those who are stressed out, and burdened by the process of moving to, trying to move to Spain, and once there trying to iron out the difficulties in settling! Hope you guys can keep it going!
Although this is not strictly a joke, this newspaper article entitled "shed rage" made me laugh, as it seems to typify modern society and how we have adapted to in order to "stay in the game."

Shed rage
Going to bed the other night, I noticed people in my shed stealing things. I phoned the Police but was told no one was in the area to help. They said they would send someone over as soon as possible.
I hung up. A minute later I rang again. “Hello’ I said, ‘I called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed, you don’t have to worry now, because I’ve shot them.”
Within minutes there were half a dozen Police cars in the area, plus helicopters and an armed response unit. They caught the burglars red handed.
One of the officers said: ‘I thought you said you’d shot them.’ To which I replied: ‘I thought you said there was no one available.’
chrisw is offline   Reply With Quote
Old Mar 17th 2007, 10:11 am   #2
BE Forum Addict
 
Miss Naughty's Avatar
 
Joined: Oct 2006
Location: lincoln
Posts: 1,871
Miss Naughty has a reputation beyond reputeMiss Naughty has a reputation beyond reputeMiss Naughty has a reputation beyond reputeMiss Naughty has a reputation beyond reputeMiss Naughty has a reputation beyond reputeMiss Naughty has a reputation beyond reputeMiss Naughty has a reputation beyond reputeMiss Naughty has a reputation beyond reputeMiss Naughty has a reputation beyond reputeMiss Naughty has a reputation beyond reputeMiss Naughty has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Quote:
Originally Posted by chrisw View Post
Hi all!
Just thought I would start this thread as a temporary distraction and to add a little light relief to all those who are stressed out, and burdened by the process of moving to, trying to move to Spain, and once there trying to iron out the difficulties in settling! Hope you guys can keep it going!
Although this is not strictly a joke, this newspaper article entitled "shed rage" made me laugh, as it seems to typify modern society and how we have adapted to in order to "stay in the game."

Shed rage
Going to bed the other night, I noticed people in my shed stealing things. I phoned the Police but was told no one was in the area to help. They said they would send someone over as soon as possible.
I hung up. A minute later I rang again. “Hello’ I said, ‘I called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed, you don’t have to worry now, because I’ve shot them.”
Within minutes there were half a dozen Police cars in the area, plus helicopters and an armed response unit. They caught the burglars red handed.
One of the officers said: ‘I thought you said you’d shot them.’ To which I replied: ‘I thought you said there was no one available.’
lol xxx
__________________
Miss Naughty
Miss Naughty is offline   Reply With Quote
Old Mar 17th 2007, 10:16 am   #3
Lionda Female
Popping in for a chat
 
Lionda's Avatar
 
Joined: Jun 2006
Location: Back home
Posts: 4,572
Lionda has a reputation beyond reputeLionda has a reputation beyond reputeLionda has a reputation beyond reputeLionda has a reputation beyond reputeLionda has a reputation beyond reputeLionda has a reputation beyond reputeLionda has a reputation beyond reputeLionda has a reputation beyond reputeLionda has a reputation beyond reputeLionda has a reputation beyond reputeLionda has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Lionda is offline   Reply With Quote
Old Mar 17th 2007, 12:00 pm   #4
weemac Male
Just Joined
 
Joined: Sep 2006
Location: Scotland/Chiclana, Spain
Posts: 26
weemac is an unknown quantity at this point
Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Here is another!

Paddy's pregnant sister is involved in a terrible car accident and ends up in a coma.



After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes and discovers she is no longer pregnant. So she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies " Ma'am you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine now but they were very poorly at birth and had to christen them immediately - your brother named them."

The woman says " Suffering Jesus no, not me brother, he's ******* clueless!"

So expecting the worse she asks the doctor what are their names



the doctor says " Well your daughter is Denise" the woman says " Denise, that's a fine name, I guess I was wrong about me brother."

" What's the boy's name?" she asks

To which the doctor replies

" DENEPHEW!"
weemac is offline   Reply With Quote
Old Mar 17th 2007, 12:22 pm   #5
chrisw Female
Livin' in Spain at last!
 
Joined: Aug 2006
Location: La Hortichuela Almeria
Posts: 862
chrisw has a reputation beyond reputechrisw has a reputation beyond reputechrisw has a reputation beyond reputechrisw has a reputation beyond reputechrisw has a reputation beyond reputechrisw has a reputation beyond reputechrisw has a reputation beyond reputechrisw has a reputation beyond reputechrisw has a reputation beyond reputechrisw has a reputation beyond reputechrisw has a reputation beyond repute
Talking Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Quote:
Originally Posted by weemac View Post
Here is another!

Paddy's pregnant sister is involved in a terrible car accident and ends up in a coma.



After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes and discovers she is no longer pregnant. So she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies " Ma'am you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine now but they were very poorly at birth and had to christen them immediately - your brother named them."

The woman says " Suffering Jesus no, not me brother, he's ******* clueless!"

So expecting the worse she asks the doctor what are their names



the doctor says " Well your daughter is Denise" the woman says " Denise, that's a fine name, I guess I was wrong about me brother."

" What's the boy's name?" she asks

To which the doctor replies

" DENEPHEW!"
LOLOLOL !
chrisw is offline   Reply With Quote
Old Mar 17th 2007, 12:33 pm   #6
chrisw Female
Livin' in Spain at last!
 
Joined: Aug 2006
Location: La Hortichuela Almeria
Posts: 862
chrisw has a reputation beyond reputechrisw has a reputation beyond reputechrisw has a reputation beyond reputechrisw has a reputation beyond reputechrisw has a reputation beyond reputechrisw has a reputation beyond reputechrisw has a reputation beyond reputechrisw has a reputation beyond reputechrisw has a reputation beyond reputechrisw has a reputation beyond reputechrisw has a reputation beyond repute
Talking Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Just to continue the theme, an no offence to any irish folk, and also wishing you a happy St Patricks day!
Paddy went into a pub and ordered 3 pints of the black stuff. The barmen served him and waited for his mates to come in an collect their drinks. No one else came in, and Paddy stood at the bar and over the next half hour downed all 3 pints.
The next day the same happened. The following day the barman asked Paddy "why don't you order your drinks one at a time, they will taste much better". To which Paddy replied "No thanks, it's just that my 2 brother and me promised that when we unable to be together we would share a drink with each other's health.
The barman said "that is a really nice gesture" and left him in peace to finish his drinks.
The next day, Paddy as usual, came into the bar, but only ordered 2 pints. The barman being quite concerned asked "I hope nothing has happened to one of your brothers, to which Paddy replied:
" O no dere fion but oye have the infection and am on anti biotics so can't have one myself!"
chrisw is offline   Reply With Quote
Old Mar 17th 2007, 3:25 pm   #7
MnM Female
luna~sea..its a lifestyle
 
MnM's Avatar
 
Joined: Feb 2007
Location: Getting In Touch With My Dysfunctional Side...
Posts: 1,926
MnM has a reputation beyond reputeMnM has a reputation beyond reputeMnM has a reputation beyond reputeMnM has a reputation beyond reputeMnM has a reputation beyond reputeMnM has a reputation beyond reputeMnM has a reputation beyond reputeMnM has a reputation beyond reputeMnM has a reputation beyond reputeMnM has a reputation beyond reputeMnM has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

This is my 3 minute management course

Lesson One:

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered: "Sure, why not" So, the rabbit sat on the ground
below the eagle and rested.

All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

____________________________________

Lesson Two:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the
bull. They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the
top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Management Lesson:
Bull sh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

_____________________________________

Lesson Three:

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold; the
bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out!

He laid there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management Lesson:

(1) Not everyone who sh*ts on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep sh*t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!


This ends the three minute management course!!!!!!
__________________
www.customfx.eu
MnM is offline   Reply With Quote
Old Mar 17th 2007, 8:45 pm   #8
jonsol Male
BE Enthusiast
 
Joined: Jul 2006
Location: warwickshire.
Posts: 339
jonsol is just really nicejonsol is just really nicejonsol is just really nicejonsol is just really nicejonsol is just really nicejonsol is just really nicejonsol is just really nicejonsol is just really nicejonsol is just really nicejonsol is just really nice
Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Quote:
Originally Posted by chrisw View Post
Hi all!
Just thought I would start this thread as a temporary distraction and to add a little light relief to all those who are stressed out, and burdened by the process of moving to, trying to move to Spain, and once there trying to iron out the difficulties in settling! Hope you guys can keep it going!
Although this is not strictly a joke, this newspaper article entitled "shed rage" made me laugh, as it seems to typify modern society and how we have adapted to in order to "stay in the game."

Shed rage
Going to bed the other night, I noticed people in my shed stealing things. I phoned the Police but was told no one was in the area to help. They said they would send someone over as soon as possible.
I hung up. A minute later I rang again. “Hello’ I said, ‘I called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed, you don’t have to worry now, because I’ve shot them.”
Within minutes there were half a dozen Police cars in the area, plus helicopters and an armed response unit. They caught the burglars red handed.
One of the officers said: ‘I thought you said you’d shot them.’ To which I replied: ‘I thought you said there was no one available.’
Again, not a joke, but you might find it amusing;
A fellow "Galley Slave (s) " family were all farmers, and so lived out in the countryside. The local publican, evidently, took the car keys from regulars when they arrived and if he thought they were unfit to drive at the end of the evening they didn`t get their keys back , One time this happened to my friend, and the local copper who happened to be there at the time asked my friend if he would like a lift back home, (late night/early morning ), so my friend gladly took up the offer.....everything was fine until they started driving up the long drive to the farm house , at which point the policeman turned on his siren .....! ! ! :curse:
jonsol is offline   Reply With Quote
Old Mar 17th 2007, 10:01 pm   #9
BE Enthusiast
 
derek500's Avatar
 
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 300
derek500 has a spectacular aura aboutderek500 has a spectacular aura aboutderek500 has a spectacular aura about
Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Shopping at Tesco.


One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him "My
elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!"

"Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery," Mike replies. "There's
a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample and the
computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid.....a lot quicker and better
than a doctor and you get Club card points". So Jack collects a urine
sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.

He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine
sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the
computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow.

Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in
Two weeks".

That evening while thinking how amazing this new Technology was, Jack began
wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool
sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and
"pleasured himself" into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen.

He deposited five pounds, poured in his concoction, and awaited the
results.

The computer printed the following:

1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4) Your wife is pregnant with Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your Elbow will never get
better....

Thank you for shopping at Tesco.
derek500 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old Mar 17th 2007, 10:59 pm   #10
chrisw Female
Livin' in Spain at last!
 
Joined: Aug 2006
Location: La Hortichuela Almeria
Posts: 862
chrisw has a reputation beyond reputechrisw has a reputation beyond reputechrisw has a reputation beyond reputechrisw has a reputation beyond reputechrisw has a reputation beyond reputechrisw has a reputation beyond reputechrisw has a reputation beyond reputechrisw has a reputation beyond reputechrisw has a reputation beyond reputechrisw has a reputation beyond reputechrisw has a reputation beyond repute
Talking Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

LOL to all!

Two women talking after death

1st woman : Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman : Hi! I'm Kelly. How'd you die?

1st woman : I Froze to Death.

2nd woman : How Horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I
began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about
you?

2nd woman : I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my
husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But
instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and
searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere,
and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still
be alive!
chrisw is offline   Reply With Quote
Old Mar 18th 2007, 8:18 pm   #11
chrisw Female
Livin' in Spain at last!
 
Joined: Aug 2006
Location: La Hortichuela Almeria
Posts: 862
chrisw has a reputation beyond reputechrisw has a reputation beyond reputechrisw has a reputation beyond reputechrisw has a reputation beyond reputechrisw has a reputation beyond reputechrisw has a reputation beyond reputechrisw has a reputation beyond reputechrisw has a reputation beyond reputechrisw has a reputation beyond reputechrisw has a reputation beyond reputechrisw has a reputation beyond repute
Talking Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

A beautiful young blonde woman went into the hairdressers for a trim. She was wearing wearing earphones plugged into an mp3 player. She advised the hairdresser that she wanted a trim, but under no circumstances was the hairdresser to remove rthe earplugs.
The haidresser advised it would be quicker and better to remove them. The young lady refused.
The hairdressert now felt it a bit of a challenge so agreed to cut her hair on her terms. He got about halfway through, and thought to himself ! "How stupid am I to agree to 'humour' the young lady in such a manner as to make my job so difficult". He thought, "blow this" and took one of the earphones out, when she suddenly let out a blood curdling screem and ran out tof the shop.
There was nothing he could do, so went about his business and forgot all about it.
Several days later, the blonde beauty came back into the salon with the same request. He made the same protests, she insisted on the same conditions, that he was not to remove the headphones.
As before, he started cutting, got fed up with the awkwardness of trying to cut her hair with the headphones on. Without warning, he whipped them off in one fell swoop.
The blonde beauty fell to the floor. Dead as a Dodo. The hairdresser looked on in horror and disbelief. He glanced at the headphones and slowly picked them up.
As he they got closer to his ear, he heard:
" Breath in, breath out, breath in, breath out.... !
chrisw is offline   Reply With Quote
Old Mar 18th 2007, 8:25 pm   #12
chrisw Female
Livin' in Spain at last!
 
Joined: Aug 2006
Location: La Hortichuela Almeria
Posts: 862
chrisw has a reputation beyond reputechrisw has a reputation beyond reputechrisw has a reputation beyond reputechrisw has a reputation beyond reputechrisw has a reputation beyond reputechrisw has a reputation beyond reputechrisw has a reputation beyond reputechrisw has a reputation beyond reputechrisw has a reputation beyond reputechrisw has a reputation beyond reputechrisw has a reputation beyond repute
Smile Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Quote:
Originally Posted by jonsol View Post
Again, not a joke, but you might find it amusing;
A fellow "Galley Slave (s) " family were all farmers, and so lived out in the countryside. The local publican, evidently, took the car keys from regulars when they arrived and if he thought they were unfit to drive at the end of the evening they didn`t get their keys back , One time this happened to my friend, and the local copper who happened to be there at the time asked my friend if he would like a lift back home, (late night/early morning ), so my friend gladly took up the offer.....everything was fine until they started driving up the long drive to the farm house , at which point the policeman turned on his siren .....! ! ! :curse:
Lol Bet everyone thought the cockrell had a new ring tone!
chrisw is offline   Reply With Quote
Old Mar 18th 2007, 10:50 pm   #13
has got a huge member
 
keithwalters's Avatar
 
Joined: Apr 2006
Location: Jerez de la Frontera
Posts: 1,656
keithwalters has a reputation beyond reputekeithwalters has a reputation beyond reputekeithwalters has a reputation beyond reputekeithwalters has a reputation beyond reputekeithwalters has a reputation beyond reputekeithwalters has a reputation beyond reputekeithwalters has a reputation beyond reputekeithwalters has a reputation beyond reputekeithwalters has a reputation beyond reputekeithwalters has a reputation beyond reputekeithwalters has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

A woman walks up to an old man sitting in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long, happy life?" "I smoke three packs a day, drink a case of beer, eat fatty foods, and never, ever exercise," he replied. "Wow, that's amazing," she said, "How old are you?" "Twenty-six."
keithwalters is offline   Reply With Quote
Old Mar 18th 2007, 11:02 pm   #14
has got a huge member
 
keithwalters's Avatar
 
Joined: Apr 2006
Location: Jerez de la Frontera
Posts: 1,656
keithwalters has a reputation beyond reputekeithwalters has a reputation beyond reputekeithwalters has a reputation beyond reputekeithwalters has a reputation beyond reputekeithwalters has a reputation beyond reputekeithwalters has a reputation beyond reputekeithwalters has a reputation beyond reputekeithwalters has a reputation beyond reputekeithwalters has a reputation beyond reputekeithwalters has a reputation beyond reputekeithwalters has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"
keithwalters is offline   Reply With Quote
Old Mar 18th 2007, 11:08 pm   #15
has got a huge member
 
keithwalters's Avatar
 
Joined: Apr 2006
Location: Jerez de la Frontera
Posts: 1,656
keithwalters has a reputation beyond reputekeithwalters has a reputation beyond reputekeithwalters has a reputation beyond reputekeithwalters has a reputation beyond reputekeithwalters has a reputation beyond reputekeithwalters has a reputation beyond reputekeithwalters has a reputation beyond reputekeithwalters has a reputation beyond reputekeithwalters has a reputation beyond reputekeithwalters has a reputation beyond reputekeithwalters has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

One day a housewife is alone at home and the doorbell rings.

She opens it to a friend of her husband who says, "Hi, is Tony home?"

The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."

So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred quid just to see one."

Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred quid! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred quid on the table. They sit there a while longer and guy then says "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 pounds if I could just see the both of them together."

Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look.

A while later Tony arrives back home from the shops. The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend Chris came over."

Tony thinks about it for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 quid he owes me?"
keithwalters is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Go Back   British Expats / General / The Lounge


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off



All times are GMT. The time now is 7:47 am.


Powered by vBulletin: ©2000 - 2017, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
© 1999-2010 BritishExpats.com